Would you help an in-law who has verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused you for years?

I would only do what I feel I could emotionally handle. That means doing nothing or helping a little. No obligational help.

I am going to make believe that you did not write the first 10 paragraphs.
"Would you help an in law who has verbally, mentally and emotionally abused you for years?"
Simple answer is he11 no!

Now I am going to ask a few questions.
**Where would this caregiving take place? Her home or yours?
**Is she willing, in addition to PAYING you to care for her would she also hire other caregivers? (If she is not willing to pay you and if she is not willing to hire other caregivers I would not do it. One person can not be a caregiver 24/7/365 and do the job well.)
**Is she willing to have Hospice come in and help out also? (If you choose to do this Hospice would provide all the supplies and equipment that you and other caregivers would need to safely care for her.)
**If you decide to do this and if you find that you can not care for her safely and in the best manner would she consider a Skilled Nursing facility where the staff is trained to care for someone and there is staff there 24/7?
**What else in your life would you be giving up to become her caregiver? Are you willing to do that for 6 months, 12 months, 2 years?
**And if you are thinking about doing this give yourself an "out". Tell her "we can try this for 3 months, if it does not work out then we will have to find another solution either full time caregivers or finding a Skilled Nursing facility or Assisted Living that would meet the level of care that you need." Keep in mind generally the longer she lives the more care she will need and you need to be a step ahead of what is needed.

Adding one more comment.
To care for someone does not mean you have to physically care for them. you can manage their care, make sure that they have what is needed and help the caregivers that are there to physically care for someone. You can help someone get the care they need, you can help them find the resources that will help them get the help they need.
You do not need to do more than what you are comfortable with.

I agree with Grandma1954 that after the first sentance that the clear answer, on its face, is no.

If she is "very sick, end of life" is she a candidate for hospice care? Or is this just your opinion. An accurate assessment would be very important. Does she qualify for LTC at this point? Medicaid would pay for that if she qualifies financially as well. You may think she won't last into 2023 but you can very easily be very wrong.

Does she have all her legal ducks in a row? (Is hubby DPoA, does she have an Advance Healthcare Directive, did she make a Will, etc).

Personally I would not consider for a second helping her without you or hubby being her PoA. I would also contact her doctor to see if meds for her anxiety/mood would help her with a transition in care.

If he is PoA, hubby can certainly manage and coordinate your mom's care without him or you doing anything hands-on. It doesn't matter what she wants...the caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver, and in your case it doesn't work for you. Period.

She is probably of the generation that remembers terrible old NHs but she may be pleasantly surprised at how nice many of the newer ones are. Plus the variety of social exposure will be much better for her that you and hubby being her only distraction/entertainment. She will eventually need more care than you can give, so better it get set up now than in a crisis.

You politely tell her (and your hubby) that you providing her care isn't an option at all, but that you two will help her every step of the way to get her situated so that she's taken care of in an appropriate way.

Finally, if you/hubby are going to manage her care, please get a password keeper app so that you don't lose track of user names and logins, etc. YOU yourself will need this badly as your own memory becomes "less sharp"!

" What are your thoughts on caring for MIL who has been nothing but nasty and berating to you your entire marriage if you didn’t play puppet in her little games?...
I do her for shopping, cleaning, cooking and laundry when I can....She wants me to be her primary caregiver as her son cannot care for her in the way she needs. I understand that."

My thoughts are NO WAY. Why can't your H care for her in the way she needs?

IF you agreed to do this (which I don't think you should), I hope you get paid as much as any outside caregiver would get. And do NOT quit a job to do this.

Thank you all for your responses.

She has an aid, but limited income and can only pay for a certain amount of hours a week.

She has been needing a NH for years but has refused to go. No one can convince her so we stopped trying.

She had the money at one point but has blown through it. She is dead broke now.

She does not qualify for Medicaid at this time. We tried but she makes too much a month with her pension and SS. No big deal, we set up a QIT. It then came out when reviewing her bank statements she gifted too much money within 5 years and there is a huge penalty for when Medicaid would kick in because of this.

The day has come and we’re in crisis mode now.

I am 63. I have one child from my first marriage and am expecting a grand baby in September of this year. My hubby and I have no kids and he has no kids prior to our marriage.

I have decided that I will not help with any hands on caregiving. Does anyone know of any options at all if is not Medicaid eligible and also has no money? Can the state take over and handle it? We live in VA.

If you shop, cook, clean, and do laundry, you are already helping her despite her previous abuse. So you can pat yourself on the back for that. You HAVE already stepped up to the plate. I don't think your decision not to extend that care to a more intensive personal level is untoward. Perhaps she can have an outside caregiver come in for as many hours as possible under her current coverage and then, unfortunately, fare as well as she can alone or have her son put in some hours with her daily or see if she can be admitted to a nursing facility. There are levels of assistance and you're certainly not abandoning her if you offer some, but not all, the help she asks for.

You are already helping her and I give you huge credit for that. Your attitude is absolutely exemplary; few would manage that as you do and with as much honesty. I applaud you.
That's for starters. The second thing for me is that you should continue to be honest. There is no reason to explain to MIL all the reasons you feel as you do. There is only to say "MIL, I am so sorry but I am already doing all I can do, and all I intend to do, and to be frank I may be preventing you from moving in the direction you should by enabling you. Things are going to get worse. I will help you THIS ONE WAY MORE, and that is to help you explore and find the best place you can afford with your assets to move into and through the last years of your life. I will help you to move there, and I will visit you when you are there. Let's do this last thing together."
There should be NO TALK about your own home. It's off limits and if you need to know that read the post about the poster today pleading they don't know what to do about Mom. They moved their Mom in and it's now an end stage nightmare. IF she brings up coming to live with you tell her that is out of the question. You would never allow that, and don't wish to speak about it again.
You are tough enough to do this, to continue to be kinder and better than anyone has any right to, and to continue to help, and to PROTECT yourself which to me is your prime imperative.
I hope you'll keep hold of that password and update us!
I wish you the very best.

Sunflower, perhaps calling everyone that was gifted and tell them time to step up or payback would get her the care she needs. Even if it was to actual charitable organizations, call them and find out how she can benefit from her generosity to their cause.

I am so relieved to hear you say you aren't going to do it. Now she's broke and has no options she decides to ask you, after years of abuse, wow, you really have to give the old gal credit for having nerve.

Well done for helping how you can.

I think trying to be a hands-on caregiver to anyone who has been abusive to you in the past is a recipe for disaster.

My own experience with my mom - who wasn't the least bit abusive at any point to me in my life- was that the more enmeshed I became in caregiving, the more she became house-bound, and me along with her because she couldn't be left alone, the more the resentment built, until every little slight I experienced at her hands growing up became as magnified as if I were viewing it through the Hubble Telescope. I can't even imagine how I would have done if my mom HAD been abusive. Being exhausted on top of it all didn't help matters.

I'm very sorry you have to go through this. While it is likely in your best interests to limit your care to non-hands-on things, I am sure emotionally it is very, very difficult to follow through on that, especially as you witness her care needs growing. I can only imagine how torn you must feel at times. I hope you can find some other resources for her, if for no other reason than to make things easier on you and your husband.

I do nothing (read : NOTHING) for my MIL.

She shot herself in the foot by being negative about DH's and my marriage long before we got married. I was warned by family and friends alike that she had a 'mean streak' and once she'd determined you were not acceptable company, she let you know.

I was all of 20 years old when I married in to the family.

True to all dire warnings, she made my life miserable. I gamely tried to be a good DIL, taking the abuse and just crying all the way home...for YEARS.

After MIL and FIL divorced, I 'took' FIL's side. He needed care, as he had leukemia, and I focused my CG energies on him. He was loving and kind, from the day I met him to the day he died. My MIL was beyond FURIOUS that I would take care of him and not her.

My MIL became more and more bitter and nasty as the years went on. She chose me as the primary target, stating that she hadn't had a happy day since my wedding. Of course this is ridiculous and everyone sees it.

You do plenty. Don't beat yourself up over not doing more.

Some people fight back against happiness in such a way you cannot believe they'd cling to small slights for 40-50 years. But they can, and do.

You are far kinder than I could be. I'd be happy to find my MIL an ALF to live in, but she will stay in her home forever. Her call, I truly do not care.

No I would not help her.

May I ask why is your husband not capable to care for his mother, especially knowing how she treated you, is he agreeing to that?

You’re doing enough. More than enough. She’s not your mother. If MIL treated you with love and gratitude, maybe.

There will be no deathbed “thank you” or any appreciation from her.

If she wants you to care for her in ways your husband cannot, I assume it’s for bathing, incontinence, or toileting help. Do you really want to do that? I sure as hell wouldn’t! She may not be needing that help yet, but it’s likely to happen near the end.

I try very hard to never say I will never do something. I know putting a hard no on most things usually doesn't turn out well. But I have told my husband I have a hard line in the sand on becoming FIL's primary caregiver (not that DH is asking or has any intention himself, he doesn't want to either).

Right now -that distinct honor (sarcasm font) belongs to his daughter - who is essentially trapped for lack of a better word. And we offer respite and help where we can logistically. And that alone taxes every last nerve that I have. My FIL believes that if SIL and BIL were to somehow get up the gumption to move out that WE (DH and I) would move our entire family into his home to care for him.

.....

Sorry... I had to take a moment to catch my breath....just the thought is enough to make my heart race...That is his plan. That is what he believes would happen. That is not that plan. That is not what would happen.

He is an abusive, narcissistic man who believes that the sun and moon were hung just for him. And that if he needs something you'd better darn well get it for him. He is only just now beginning to understand that we are actually directing the word no...at him!

I know my limits. I have quite a bit of patience. But I do not have the patience for that. And I do not have any intention of putting my marriage through that. ESPECIALLY when there are other - much better options available that he just doesn't like.

So that's a hard no. I have helped him within reason for years and I will continue to do so to the best of my ability. But primary caregiver....no.

Sounds like you’re doing what you’re comfortable with, and it’s already much more than many would do, so do that and nothing more. Things done with resentment and misplaced guilt never go well. If you met my MIL you’d certainly find her to be a nice lady, I can have a pleasant conversation with her. But she’s never been interested or involved with me or our children, we have little relationship and I’ll not be involved in her caregiving. That’s what feels right to me. Remember, protecting yourself is always wise

I would nope out of that in a heartbeat. She's lucky you are doing anything for her. Don't get suckered into wishful thinking that she will be dead by 2023.

These old mean seniors with multiple health issues that should have put them in the grave a long time ago just seem to keep on living and making people's lives miserable.

You want my short answer? NO!!

My long answer?

Why would you? I believe in Christian kindness. I don't believe we should only be kind to people who are easy to love. But.........and this is a big but. When being around someone who is impossible to get along with makes you ill, emotionally or physically? No, I don't think you can. I don't think you should.

Case in point. My M I L. From day one I knew she and I were going to have a problem. Her expectations of me as her sons partner were something I could not live up to. When she realized I would not be malleable she became judgemental and critical. Whenever I've tried to meet her halfway she becomes demanding. You give her an inch, she wants a mile.

She doesn't try, does nothing but complain and whine and say she wants to die. She was like this when I first met her over thirty years ago and she is even worse now. I feel physically ill when I'm around her due to the tension that fills my body.

I don't know how you can feel good when you are around such negativity. Is it worth it to you to help out an old lady who has been nothing but unpleasant her whole life and only now when she sees time is running out wants to use you for her own selfish comfort? It's up to you but, and it makes me sad to say this because I do consider myself a kind person, but no, I would not do it.

Yeah, no. That's the short answer.

My ex MIL treated me like a piece of dirt under her shoes. For the entire 22 years I was married to her son, who SHE treated like garbage b/c he wasn't the girl she always wanted.

Thru the years she gave us a bunch of things. Antiques, silver, paintings, etc. She gave me personally some items too. Jewelry, a bathrobe, a few other things, nothing much really. What she gave me, more than anything else, was heartburn, a lack of acceptance for who I was as a human being, and lots of judgement. What she should have given me was a gold medal for putting up with her AND her son for 22 years.

When I finally filed for divorce, she sent a letter to me. Demanding all that crap she'd 'given' me over the years BACK! The antiques, the silver, the paintings, etc. Not the personal items, just the 'family heirlooms' that meant so much to the woman who had a heart of coal.

I loaded everything up into the foyer of my house. ALL of it; the silver, the paintings, the antiques AND all the personal items I could find that she'd given me over the years. I called her son. I told him he had exactly 24 hours to come pick up ALL the crap and haul it out of my foyer, or else I'd donate the lot of it to Goodwill.

He made a federal case about it, but by golly, he brought his skinny azz over and hauled it all away with time left over.

There was ONE item I held back: a dress the old crone had made when her first husband died and she was 'celebrating.' It cost her TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS in 1947!!! It was French lace, hand made, in black. With a built in bra to hoist the gigantic girls she had on her chest. I wrapped it up and donated IT to Goodwill. So somebody had a reallllly good day shopping at Goodwill that day, huh? :)

Oh, and here is the piece de resistance: she wound up SELLING all those 'family heirlooms' that were so very important to her at a Sotheby's auction in New York!!!!!!!!! She allowed perfect strangers to pay her for all that stuff that I wasn't allowed to keep! Nice, huh?

I would not help this woman in any way, nor would I hurt her. While I believe in "Christian" Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist and all other types of kindness, I also do not believe in being a doormat for anyone at any time.

Good luck to you.

Yes

No.

And I would stop cooking, cleaning & everything else too. This week.

Not to be spiteful, revengeful. But for common sense.

If MIL needs all this done for her, she needs to move into a care setting.

I do get the 'put others first, forgive, take the higher ground' etc. But..

I LOVE the book & film Jane Eyre. Jane is summoned to attend her dying aunt Mrs Reed. Her very abusive aunt that made Jane's childhood hell & withdrew any opportunity that could have helped her. Jane does go because she thought she should take the moral higher ground. Although she finds she has forgiven her Aunt, the Aunt still hates her with a passion. There will be no deathbed apology. I always was so angry for Jane. That she deserved one & was cheated.
But it was not given. The aunt died bitter till the end.

lt taught me this.

Go help if you want - for your OWN reasons.

Do not ever go to help as an empty cup, awaiting apologies, praise or gratitude to be poured in. This is a false hope & will leave you emptier than before. Still empty + cheated.

Not saying leave to MIL to stave in her home. I would wash the teacups. I'll explain.. I would help by *friendly visiting* only. Bring biscuits & have a cuppa. Advise her to seek help, home help, NH or hospice services via her doctor. Wash the cups & leave. There are those when you wash a cup, say thank you. Then there are those who you wash a cup & you get, dry it like that, put it there, now clean all that up, take out my rubbish, sweep, shop, drive, pay, on & on with no end.

No, thank you.

Sunflower...Is she on Hospice?
If so Hospice can provide some help.
You would have a Nurse that would come in each week, more often if necessary.
A CNA that would be there at least 2 times a week to give MIL a bath, shower or at least a bed bath if the shower or bath is unsafe.
AND you would have a Social Worker assigned that might be able to help you to get more help (did that sound right, sounds convoluted...)
AND one of the advantages of Hospice is they can find a Volunteer that can come in and either sit with her while you run out for a few hours or they can do some light housework or even run the errands for you.
AND...this is a good one...Medicare, Medicaid and most insurance will COVER respite care for a person on Hospice. It is almost 1 week of respite care each year. That amount of time can be a life saver.
Another advantage is if MIL is uncomfortable, gets agitated is in pain or symptoms are unmanageable at home the Hospice can have her transferred to the Hospice Inpatient Unit for symptom or pain management.
So if she is on Hospice talk to the Nurse or Social Worker about what option you might have.

You already do her shopping, cleaning, cooking, and laundry when you can. So you're already helping her. That's your 'mizvah'. Or Christian 'charity'. Or whatever you want to call it. Make sure your helping remains on your terms and not hers.
You're asking if any of us would become her primary caregiver when there is a history of verbal, mental, and emotional abuse?
I can only speak for myself and my answer to that question is a hard 'NO'. I would not allow myself to become enslaved to caregiving for a person who does not respect me and who doesn't even like me. I already did that with my mother. I won't do it again.
I would not die on Caregiver Hill for that person. No way. I truly hope you don't either.
You've ever heard the passage, 'You reap what you sow'? It's true. Your MIL planted the seeds of resentment, disrespect, and nastiness when her son first brought you on the scene. Well, now her harvest has come in and too bad for her.
Don't help her anymore than what you're already doing for her. The cooking, cleaning, laundry, and shopping is more than she deserves from you. If she decides to behave abusively to you, then stop even doing that.
As for her son your husband not being able to care for her in the ways she needs, here's my advice for him. One word.

LEARN.

Yes, learn. If he can wipe his own a$$ he can wipe someone else's. If he can take a shower and wash himself up, he can do it for mother too. Learn.

Or hire caregivers to take care of his mother.

You have to decide what you feel comfortable with it’s a personal decision.

you seem to do enough, if she is end of life best to get a skilled nurse to assist.

Nope

No, I wouldn't.

Absolutely not. Nope, nope, nope. Do. Not. Cave. In.

I've suffered verbal abuse with my mother, then took care of her into her old age until she had to go into an ALF. I would not help anyone else who abuses others.

It is perfecty acceptable to draw the line at what you will do and what you won't do. This is true whether or not the person doing the care was abusive or not.
I think when it becomes clear that a family member is going to need real nursing care, that the loved one and the family tries to avoid that by getting a family member to step in.
That's okay, but YOU are not the solution for this problem. She and they have the ability and responsibility to figure it out.

When all this has transitioned to the end, how do you want to feel about what you did? Listen to your heart, not your critical inner voice or the feelings of guilt. Wishing you the best.

Hello I was in the same situation with my father 5 years ago. But as his health and mind deteriorated he looked to me to help him. I did care for him till he died and through the time we spent together I was able to truly forgive. By me showing him love, compassion and by the grace of God he became less mean and abusive. I hope this advice helps some.