Would you help an in-law who has verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused you for years?

I would not help her any more than you have. Get her into hospice. I think you’ve done enough.

It's difficult to say this, as I am not in your shoes, but as a Christian, I believe I'd do what I felt I could w/o jeopardizing my sanity and my marriage. HOWEVER, I would put what I planned to do in writing, give her and your spouse copies, and keep extras for when she "loses" hers. Let her know in no uncertain terms that this is the extent of your help and that her son can step up for anything else. When she passes, you will have peace of mind, and your will have helped someone who almost no one would even consider helping. God bless you for even thinking about it.

NO absolutely not. You reap what you sow and if she's been vile then she does not deserve help from you.

ABSOLUTELY NOT !!

I am a true believer in karma. It comes around and goes around on a regular basis. So you shouldn't feel bad if you decide not to care for her. It's really not you responsibility. But if you do care for her, you'll get some karma points added to your account. But no reason to feel guilty either way you decide. She wants your help because she probably realizes you're the only one that would help. What I would do, if she has the funds, or if you do and are willing is get home health care for her if she doesn't have it already and decide how much time you're willing to spend/help her. And when she gets abusive, as she will, towards you, tell her you're leaving her in good hands with the health care workers. Be compassionate, but not to the extent you end up resenting her more. Then see if there's anything good in her to like and work towards bringing out that side of her.

NO

Because she is the woman who raised the man I love and chose to spend my life with, yes I would help but not necessarily the way it sounds your MIL wants. You are already doing a lot and obviously caring for her needs more than anyone else and while that is certainly more than enough I would probably be willing to set up the type of caregivers she is expecting to need. But I would be very cautious to stay that step away from “hands on” and give yourself the ability to do that only when moved to not because there is no one else. The things you do to make sure she has what she needs is for the people we love and in this case maybe that’s for her son more than it is for her. Support each of them as best you can without sacrificing more of yourself than you can spare. This is the way I think I would approach it if I were in your place but can’t say for sure since my DH mom passed before I came along.

No, a thousand times no. Do not do it. Caregiving is hard enough when you love the person.

It's the classic "mother of son versus any other female" power play. Now, the mother is a sick woman at the end of her life, knowing she is soon facing her mortality. What is to be gained at this point by harboring old bitterness over her past slights? Your husband (her son) needs to step up and assume more of his responsibility so you can handle the (personal) care. Alternately, continue as is and hire someone to handle her hygiene, etc. She is a vulnerable senior, likely regretting her past behavior towards you. No, it's not always fair, but you will have a clear conscience with an angel's blessing for your compassion.

Hello,
So this is a little hypocritical. My mother was hard & critical with her mouth. She told me she knew my 2 brothers would be the ones taking care of her. Well, my baby brother suddenly died in front of us in 2019 & my older brother vowed to never care for her. At 57 my mom was diagnosed with Dementia my brothers death made her decline badly. Since caring for her she has punched me in the face, and fought me while driving. Despite all of that it is my honor to care for my mom. I can't explain it to you but it is. Well my MIL see how I take care of my mom and she said I know you would care for me too. ABSOLUTELY NOT! First of all, she is narcissistic. None of her grandchildren or nephews have invited her to a wedding or graduation because of her episodes. Secondly, she has always been so ugly toward me, My husband can literally curse her out (I would never do that to my mom or MIL) and she MIL will blame me. She asked me to have a gathering for her family at my house. I said no because I wasn't feeling well. Her family came anyway then an hour later she arrives. She has never had any respect and I unapologetic will not care for her. I didn't tell her that....I figure I will let her perfect son break it to her when its time. To the Moon Alice....I meant MIL!
However, sometimes God will humble the person that has to depend on your care. I don't know if that's your case. I wouldn't care about the past only the present. If my MIL changes (but she cant she is a narcissist) I would definitely take care of her despite past problems. I cared for her early in my marriage but its a no for me now.
However, it is more important for you to be mentally well. No one can tell another person what they can handle. I used to think it was cruel to put your family in a home. I have still chosen not to put my mom in a home though she can get violent but I understand now another persons reality.
Take care of 2 things: your spirit and your mind and then the decision should come easier.

You have no obligation to do this. I would say that if she has become more pleasant, you might do it since it may not be for long. However, if she is still really abusive, don't do it. It is very damaging emotionally and psychology to be continually abused, especially without cause, for a long period of time. Maybe you can hire someone who come in for part of the day to take care of the things you are not currently doing for her? This is not financially an option, but it is a thought. However, I will tell you that if she treats caregivers the way she treats you, they probably will not stay long. In any case, if her own children will not take on this responsibility, why should you. It is a terrible shame when someone's lifelong behavior puts them in this position, but you certainly do not have to suffer because of it

No

Hello I was in the same situation with my father 5 years ago. But as his health and mind deteriorated he looked to me to help him. I did care for him till he died and through the time we spent together I was able to truly forgive. By me showing him love, compassion and by the grace of God he became less mean and abusive. I hope this advice helps some.

When all this has transitioned to the end, how do you want to feel about what you did? Listen to your heart, not your critical inner voice or the feelings of guilt. Wishing you the best.

It is perfecty acceptable to draw the line at what you will do and what you won't do. This is true whether or not the person doing the care was abusive or not.
I think when it becomes clear that a family member is going to need real nursing care, that the loved one and the family tries to avoid that by getting a family member to step in.
That's okay, but YOU are not the solution for this problem. She and they have the ability and responsibility to figure it out.

I've suffered verbal abuse with my mother, then took care of her into her old age until she had to go into an ALF. I would not help anyone else who abuses others.

Absolutely not. Nope, nope, nope. Do. Not. Cave. In.

No, I wouldn't.

Nope

You have to decide what you feel comfortable with it’s a personal decision.

you seem to do enough, if she is end of life best to get a skilled nurse to assist.

You already do her shopping, cleaning, cooking, and laundry when you can. So you're already helping her. That's your 'mizvah'. Or Christian 'charity'. Or whatever you want to call it. Make sure your helping remains on your terms and not hers.
You're asking if any of us would become her primary caregiver when there is a history of verbal, mental, and emotional abuse?
I can only speak for myself and my answer to that question is a hard 'NO'. I would not allow myself to become enslaved to caregiving for a person who does not respect me and who doesn't even like me. I already did that with my mother. I won't do it again.
I would not die on Caregiver Hill for that person. No way. I truly hope you don't either.
You've ever heard the passage, 'You reap what you sow'? It's true. Your MIL planted the seeds of resentment, disrespect, and nastiness when her son first brought you on the scene. Well, now her harvest has come in and too bad for her.
Don't help her anymore than what you're already doing for her. The cooking, cleaning, laundry, and shopping is more than she deserves from you. If she decides to behave abusively to you, then stop even doing that.
As for her son your husband not being able to care for her in the ways she needs, here's my advice for him. One word.

LEARN.

Yes, learn. If he can wipe his own a$$ he can wipe someone else's. If he can take a shower and wash himself up, he can do it for mother too. Learn.

Or hire caregivers to take care of his mother.

Sunflower...Is she on Hospice?
If so Hospice can provide some help.
You would have a Nurse that would come in each week, more often if necessary.
A CNA that would be there at least 2 times a week to give MIL a bath, shower or at least a bed bath if the shower or bath is unsafe.
AND you would have a Social Worker assigned that might be able to help you to get more help (did that sound right, sounds convoluted...)
AND one of the advantages of Hospice is they can find a Volunteer that can come in and either sit with her while you run out for a few hours or they can do some light housework or even run the errands for you.
AND...this is a good one...Medicare, Medicaid and most insurance will COVER respite care for a person on Hospice. It is almost 1 week of respite care each year. That amount of time can be a life saver.
Another advantage is if MIL is uncomfortable, gets agitated is in pain or symptoms are unmanageable at home the Hospice can have her transferred to the Hospice Inpatient Unit for symptom or pain management.
So if she is on Hospice talk to the Nurse or Social Worker about what option you might have.

No.

And I would stop cooking, cleaning & everything else too. This week.

Not to be spiteful, revengeful. But for common sense.

If MIL needs all this done for her, she needs to move into a care setting.

I do get the 'put others first, forgive, take the higher ground' etc. But..

I LOVE the book & film Jane Eyre. Jane is summoned to attend her dying aunt Mrs Reed. Her very abusive aunt that made Jane's childhood hell & withdrew any opportunity that could have helped her. Jane does go because she thought she should take the moral higher ground. Although she finds she has forgiven her Aunt, the Aunt still hates her with a passion. There will be no deathbed apology. I always was so angry for Jane. That she deserved one & was cheated.
But it was not given. The aunt died bitter till the end.

lt taught me this.

Go help if you want - for your OWN reasons.

Do not ever go to help as an empty cup, awaiting apologies, praise or gratitude to be poured in. This is a false hope & will leave you emptier than before. Still empty + cheated.

Not saying leave to MIL to stave in her home. I would wash the teacups. I'll explain.. I would help by *friendly visiting* only. Bring biscuits & have a cuppa. Advise her to seek help, home help, NH or hospice services via her doctor. Wash the cups & leave. There are those when you wash a cup, say thank you. Then there are those who you wash a cup & you get, dry it like that, put it there, now clean all that up, take out my rubbish, sweep, shop, drive, pay, on & on with no end.

No, thank you.

Yes

Yeah, no. That's the short answer.

My ex MIL treated me like a piece of dirt under her shoes. For the entire 22 years I was married to her son, who SHE treated like garbage b/c he wasn't the girl she always wanted.

Thru the years she gave us a bunch of things. Antiques, silver, paintings, etc. She gave me personally some items too. Jewelry, a bathrobe, a few other things, nothing much really. What she gave me, more than anything else, was heartburn, a lack of acceptance for who I was as a human being, and lots of judgement. What she should have given me was a gold medal for putting up with her AND her son for 22 years.

When I finally filed for divorce, she sent a letter to me. Demanding all that crap she'd 'given' me over the years BACK! The antiques, the silver, the paintings, etc. Not the personal items, just the 'family heirlooms' that meant so much to the woman who had a heart of coal.

I loaded everything up into the foyer of my house. ALL of it; the silver, the paintings, the antiques AND all the personal items I could find that she'd given me over the years. I called her son. I told him he had exactly 24 hours to come pick up ALL the crap and haul it out of my foyer, or else I'd donate the lot of it to Goodwill.

He made a federal case about it, but by golly, he brought his skinny azz over and hauled it all away with time left over.

There was ONE item I held back: a dress the old crone had made when her first husband died and she was 'celebrating.' It cost her TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS in 1947!!! It was French lace, hand made, in black. With a built in bra to hoist the gigantic girls she had on her chest. I wrapped it up and donated IT to Goodwill. So somebody had a reallllly good day shopping at Goodwill that day, huh? :)

Oh, and here is the piece de resistance: she wound up SELLING all those 'family heirlooms' that were so very important to her at a Sotheby's auction in New York!!!!!!!!! She allowed perfect strangers to pay her for all that stuff that I wasn't allowed to keep! Nice, huh?

I would not help this woman in any way, nor would I hurt her. While I believe in "Christian" Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist and all other types of kindness, I also do not believe in being a doormat for anyone at any time.

Good luck to you.

You want my short answer? NO!!

My long answer?

Why would you? I believe in Christian kindness. I don't believe we should only be kind to people who are easy to love. But.........and this is a big but. When being around someone who is impossible to get along with makes you ill, emotionally or physically? No, I don't think you can. I don't think you should.

Case in point. My M I L. From day one I knew she and I were going to have a problem. Her expectations of me as her sons partner were something I could not live up to. When she realized I would not be malleable she became judgemental and critical. Whenever I've tried to meet her halfway she becomes demanding. You give her an inch, she wants a mile.

She doesn't try, does nothing but complain and whine and say she wants to die. She was like this when I first met her over thirty years ago and she is even worse now. I feel physically ill when I'm around her due to the tension that fills my body.

I don't know how you can feel good when you are around such negativity. Is it worth it to you to help out an old lady who has been nothing but unpleasant her whole life and only now when she sees time is running out wants to use you for her own selfish comfort? It's up to you but, and it makes me sad to say this because I do consider myself a kind person, but no, I would not do it.

I would nope out of that in a heartbeat. She's lucky you are doing anything for her. Don't get suckered into wishful thinking that she will be dead by 2023.

These old mean seniors with multiple health issues that should have put them in the grave a long time ago just seem to keep on living and making people's lives miserable.

Sounds like you’re doing what you’re comfortable with, and it’s already much more than many would do, so do that and nothing more. Things done with resentment and misplaced guilt never go well. If you met my MIL you’d certainly find her to be a nice lady, I can have a pleasant conversation with her. But she’s never been interested or involved with me or our children, we have little relationship and I’ll not be involved in her caregiving. That’s what feels right to me. Remember, protecting yourself is always wise

I try very hard to never say I will never do something. I know putting a hard no on most things usually doesn't turn out well. But I have told my husband I have a hard line in the sand on becoming FIL's primary caregiver (not that DH is asking or has any intention himself, he doesn't want to either).

Right now -that distinct honor (sarcasm font) belongs to his daughter - who is essentially trapped for lack of a better word. And we offer respite and help where we can logistically. And that alone taxes every last nerve that I have. My FIL believes that if SIL and BIL were to somehow get up the gumption to move out that WE (DH and I) would move our entire family into his home to care for him.

.....

Sorry... I had to take a moment to catch my breath....just the thought is enough to make my heart race...That is his plan. That is what he believes would happen. That is not that plan. That is not what would happen.

He is an abusive, narcissistic man who believes that the sun and moon were hung just for him. And that if he needs something you'd better darn well get it for him. He is only just now beginning to understand that we are actually directing the word no...at him!

I know my limits. I have quite a bit of patience. But I do not have the patience for that. And I do not have any intention of putting my marriage through that. ESPECIALLY when there are other - much better options available that he just doesn't like.

So that's a hard no. I have helped him within reason for years and I will continue to do so to the best of my ability. But primary caregiver....no.

You’re doing enough. More than enough. She’s not your mother. If MIL treated you with love and gratitude, maybe.

There will be no deathbed “thank you” or any appreciation from her.

If she wants you to care for her in ways your husband cannot, I assume it’s for bathing, incontinence, or toileting help. Do you really want to do that? I sure as hell wouldn’t! She may not be needing that help yet, but it’s likely to happen near the end.