Would you help an in-law who has verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused you for years?

May I ask why is your husband not capable to care for his mother, especially knowing how she treated you, is he agreeing to that?

No I would not help her.

I do nothing (read : NOTHING) for my MIL.

She shot herself in the foot by being negative about DH's and my marriage long before we got married. I was warned by family and friends alike that she had a 'mean streak' and once she'd determined you were not acceptable company, she let you know.

I was all of 20 years old when I married in to the family.

True to all dire warnings, she made my life miserable. I gamely tried to be a good DIL, taking the abuse and just crying all the way home...for YEARS.

After MIL and FIL divorced, I 'took' FIL's side. He needed care, as he had leukemia, and I focused my CG energies on him. He was loving and kind, from the day I met him to the day he died. My MIL was beyond FURIOUS that I would take care of him and not her.

My MIL became more and more bitter and nasty as the years went on. She chose me as the primary target, stating that she hadn't had a happy day since my wedding. Of course this is ridiculous and everyone sees it.

You do plenty. Don't beat yourself up over not doing more.

Some people fight back against happiness in such a way you cannot believe they'd cling to small slights for 40-50 years. But they can, and do.

You are far kinder than I could be. I'd be happy to find my MIL an ALF to live in, but she will stay in her home forever. Her call, I truly do not care.

I think trying to be a hands-on caregiver to anyone who has been abusive to you in the past is a recipe for disaster.

My own experience with my mom - who wasn't the least bit abusive at any point to me in my life- was that the more enmeshed I became in caregiving, the more she became house-bound, and me along with her because she couldn't be left alone, the more the resentment built, until every little slight I experienced at her hands growing up became as magnified as if I were viewing it through the Hubble Telescope. I can't even imagine how I would have done if my mom HAD been abusive. Being exhausted on top of it all didn't help matters.

I'm very sorry you have to go through this. While it is likely in your best interests to limit your care to non-hands-on things, I am sure emotionally it is very, very difficult to follow through on that, especially as you witness her care needs growing. I can only imagine how torn you must feel at times. I hope you can find some other resources for her, if for no other reason than to make things easier on you and your husband.

Sunflower, perhaps calling everyone that was gifted and tell them time to step up or payback would get her the care she needs. Even if it was to actual charitable organizations, call them and find out how she can benefit from her generosity to their cause.

I am so relieved to hear you say you aren't going to do it. Now she's broke and has no options she decides to ask you, after years of abuse, wow, you really have to give the old gal credit for having nerve.

Well done for helping how you can.

You are already helping her and I give you huge credit for that. Your attitude is absolutely exemplary; few would manage that as you do and with as much honesty. I applaud you.
That's for starters. The second thing for me is that you should continue to be honest. There is no reason to explain to MIL all the reasons you feel as you do. There is only to say "MIL, I am so sorry but I am already doing all I can do, and all I intend to do, and to be frank I may be preventing you from moving in the direction you should by enabling you. Things are going to get worse. I will help you THIS ONE WAY MORE, and that is to help you explore and find the best place you can afford with your assets to move into and through the last years of your life. I will help you to move there, and I will visit you when you are there. Let's do this last thing together."
There should be NO TALK about your own home. It's off limits and if you need to know that read the post about the poster today pleading they don't know what to do about Mom. They moved their Mom in and it's now an end stage nightmare. IF she brings up coming to live with you tell her that is out of the question. You would never allow that, and don't wish to speak about it again.
You are tough enough to do this, to continue to be kinder and better than anyone has any right to, and to continue to help, and to PROTECT yourself which to me is your prime imperative.
I hope you'll keep hold of that password and update us!
I wish you the very best.

If you shop, cook, clean, and do laundry, you are already helping her despite her previous abuse. So you can pat yourself on the back for that. You HAVE already stepped up to the plate. I don't think your decision not to extend that care to a more intensive personal level is untoward. Perhaps she can have an outside caregiver come in for as many hours as possible under her current coverage and then, unfortunately, fare as well as she can alone or have her son put in some hours with her daily or see if she can be admitted to a nursing facility. There are levels of assistance and you're certainly not abandoning her if you offer some, but not all, the help she asks for.

Thank you all for your responses.

She has an aid, but limited income and can only pay for a certain amount of hours a week.

She has been needing a NH for years but has refused to go. No one can convince her so we stopped trying.

She had the money at one point but has blown through it. She is dead broke now.

She does not qualify for Medicaid at this time. We tried but she makes too much a month with her pension and SS. No big deal, we set up a QIT. It then came out when reviewing her bank statements she gifted too much money within 5 years and there is a huge penalty for when Medicaid would kick in because of this.

The day has come and we’re in crisis mode now.

I am 63. I have one child from my first marriage and am expecting a grand baby in September of this year. My hubby and I have no kids and he has no kids prior to our marriage.

I have decided that I will not help with any hands on caregiving. Does anyone know of any options at all if is not Medicaid eligible and also has no money? Can the state take over and handle it? We live in VA.

" What are your thoughts on caring for MIL who has been nothing but nasty and berating to you your entire marriage if you didn’t play puppet in her little games?...
I do her for shopping, cleaning, cooking and laundry when I can....She wants me to be her primary caregiver as her son cannot care for her in the way she needs. I understand that."

My thoughts are NO WAY. Why can't your H care for her in the way she needs?

IF you agreed to do this (which I don't think you should), I hope you get paid as much as any outside caregiver would get. And do NOT quit a job to do this.

I agree with Grandma1954 that after the first sentance that the clear answer, on its face, is no.

If she is "very sick, end of life" is she a candidate for hospice care? Or is this just your opinion. An accurate assessment would be very important. Does she qualify for LTC at this point? Medicaid would pay for that if she qualifies financially as well. You may think she won't last into 2023 but you can very easily be very wrong.

Does she have all her legal ducks in a row? (Is hubby DPoA, does she have an Advance Healthcare Directive, did she make a Will, etc).

Personally I would not consider for a second helping her without you or hubby being her PoA. I would also contact her doctor to see if meds for her anxiety/mood would help her with a transition in care.

If he is PoA, hubby can certainly manage and coordinate your mom's care without him or you doing anything hands-on. It doesn't matter what she wants...the caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver, and in your case it doesn't work for you. Period.

She is probably of the generation that remembers terrible old NHs but she may be pleasantly surprised at how nice many of the newer ones are. Plus the variety of social exposure will be much better for her that you and hubby being her only distraction/entertainment. She will eventually need more care than you can give, so better it get set up now than in a crisis.

You politely tell her (and your hubby) that you providing her care isn't an option at all, but that you two will help her every step of the way to get her situated so that she's taken care of in an appropriate way.

Finally, if you/hubby are going to manage her care, please get a password keeper app so that you don't lose track of user names and logins, etc. YOU yourself will need this badly as your own memory becomes "less sharp"!

I am going to make believe that you did not write the first 10 paragraphs.
"Would you help an in law who has verbally, mentally and emotionally abused you for years?"
Simple answer is he11 no!

Now I am going to ask a few questions.
**Where would this caregiving take place? Her home or yours?
**Is she willing, in addition to PAYING you to care for her would she also hire other caregivers? (If she is not willing to pay you and if she is not willing to hire other caregivers I would not do it. One person can not be a caregiver 24/7/365 and do the job well.)
**Is she willing to have Hospice come in and help out also? (If you choose to do this Hospice would provide all the supplies and equipment that you and other caregivers would need to safely care for her.)
**If you decide to do this and if you find that you can not care for her safely and in the best manner would she consider a Skilled Nursing facility where the staff is trained to care for someone and there is staff there 24/7?
**What else in your life would you be giving up to become her caregiver? Are you willing to do that for 6 months, 12 months, 2 years?
**And if you are thinking about doing this give yourself an "out". Tell her "we can try this for 3 months, if it does not work out then we will have to find another solution either full time caregivers or finding a Skilled Nursing facility or Assisted Living that would meet the level of care that you need." Keep in mind generally the longer she lives the more care she will need and you need to be a step ahead of what is needed.

Adding one more comment.
To care for someone does not mean you have to physically care for them. you can manage their care, make sure that they have what is needed and help the caregivers that are there to physically care for someone. You can help someone get the care they need, you can help them find the resources that will help them get the help they need.
You do not need to do more than what you are comfortable with.

I would only do what I feel I could emotionally handle. That means doing nothing or helping a little. No obligational help.