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I am new to this site and new to caring for the elderly all together. I feel lost and I need help from anyone who can spare it. I recently got engaged to a man I met on the internet 2 years ago. Although I knew he cared for his grandfather when I met him, I didn't know the details.
His grandfather is an 84 year old widow. I would hate to call him stubborn, but it is one of the best words to describe him. If I was having a bad day I would go as far to say he is lazy, care less and selfish! But I love the old man. My fiancee has been living with, and caring for his grandfather the past 10 years! They are from a broken family so I feel his grandfather relies on him more than usual for that reason alone. My troubles come into play as I am recently graduated college and now have plans to marry and buy a house with my fiancee. But I need to know if I should suggest putting his grandfather into a nursing home. I don't want to come off as the selfish and care less one, or make my fiancee feel like he has to choose between us, but ultimately, I feel he should focus his energy on our relationship and his own interests rather then worrying about his grandpa.
My fiance pays the bills, and then the two of us share the housework, grocery shopping and any and all repairs in his grandpa's home. His grandfathers home is falling apart because he refuses to spend any money for repairs. There is no working shower, running water in the kitchen or working washer or dryer. Luckily there is heat and air conditioning because my fiancee was once a heating and cooling installer and did it himself. Aside from the poor conditions of the home, his grandfather is a real piece of work. He is constantly making a mess; not in one room, but all rooms. Dirty dishes, empty food wrappers, food and drinks spilled and smeared all over the place. Newspapers piled up on tables and furniture. Yarn and tape that he uses for god knows what!
My fiancee also believes his grandfather has stolen personal belongings from him in the past. There is a collection of garbage, stolen junk and cardboard in his room.
His grandfather has poor vision and hearing. He is unable to walk for long periods of time without shortness of breath and pain in his legs and feet due to the fact he spends the entire day just sitting in his chair watching t.v while refusing to see a doctor even when we make the appointments for him. He doesn't even have a family doctor nor will he even hear about us finding him a new one. He believes alka seltzer is the cure for anything. This results in us getting sick from his constant spread of germs as he doesn't practice good hygiene. In fact, he doesn't even use soap. He merely soaks his hands in water whenever he uses the washroom.
Late last year, we had to rush him to the hospital as he had a hernia for so long it became tangled with his intestines. He fought with us about bringing him to the emergency room and refused to allow the hospital staff to come into his home to check on him and help him get back on his feet. He was out of commission for awhile and relied on diapers that we bought and found hidden in his closet. He would make home made diapers out of plastic bags and rags he would find to save money. He refuses to spend a dime on essentials. Tooth brushes, tooth paste, deoderant etc.

Another thing is, he is constantly making up stories about his past, things he sees on t.v and loves to gossip about his family including my fiancee who is his caregiver!!!
Although he is able to remember appointments like the time and day to be ready for grocery shopping, names of his family members, names of television shows and the days and times they run on, I feel if he lived alone his neighbors would complain of an unkept home, loud tv, and mice (from the constant garbage pile up and food being dropped on the floor and such). He cannot make popcorn without burning it, yet he still attempts to cook biscuits and such in his oven. His diet only consists of t.v dinners and pepsi. Again he is 84 and isn't on any medication or diet. I also think he would be in trouble for not paying his bills as I already stated, my fiance has been paying all the bills for the last 10 years. Of, course, we would still take him grocery shopping anc maintain his yard, but we would no longer be doing his housework or helping him care for his dog.
I guess my big fear is my fiancee and I getting in trouble as some people may see his current lifestyle being a result of neglect. The social worker from the hospital questioned his home made diapers and the untidy home that the paramedics reported to be "gross". We try our hardest to clean EVERYDAY. To put food in the house that can be cooked, and he refuses to eat with us. He will not see a doctor and we are told we cannot force him even when it affects our health. I am also worried my fiancee will feel to guilty to move out and start his own life with me and let his grandpa finish his life the way he chooses..

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Wow! What a story! It is noble of your fiancee to want to care for his grandfather, who apparently can't quite care for himself. Looking at it from the outside without knowing any of the people, I wonder if his noble intentions are doing more harm or good? Could his support be enabling some very unhealthy behavior? It is hard to say whether Grampa would do better if there wasn't someone there to make sure his bills are paid on time and the trash doesn't accumulate too deep. The fact that your fiancee was willing to live in a "gross" house for 10 years without running water in the kitchen and without a shower raises some questions in my mind.

I don't think you can make decisions for or about grandfather. But you certainly need to make decisions about how you want to live your own life. You need to make those decisions clear to your guy. Not as a threat or an ultimatum. Just as a matter of being fair and upfront with him.

I think there are some hard choices ahead. I truly hope you can resolve this in a way satisfactory to all concerned. Best wishes!
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When it comes to relationships, there is one rule that does not change: what bugs you a little now, will bug you a lot more as time goes on. So evaluate what bugs now and multiply it by 10. If you think you can handle it - marry the guy. If not take a nice loooong break and see if distance can help you iron out some of these issues. I guarantee you that if the fiance does not put your first now, he never will.
I am a little confused by the "sponsor" thing. I am wondering if there isn't a secondary consideration here. Did he think that, in addition to a fiance, he was getting help with gramps? Were you thinking that, in addition to a wonderful guy, you were getting an opportunity to work here in your field? So much going on here. I think you are both a little disappointed that things aren't quite going as planned.
Regardless, your fiance cannot be held to a promise made years ago when he did not know how much gramps woud be demanding of him. I can tell you sitting around in his own filth and doing nothing to help himself is creating an unreasonable demand on your boyfriend.
There are MANY ways to help someone. Putting your life on hold, and being a slave to a slob is not one of them.
Gather some information about assisted living and nursing homes. Sit down with your fiance and go over all the options. You sound both knowledgable and compassionate. Also, being in social work will help. Come up with a time line for changes and stick to it. This will help his grandfather get used to the idea of change.
If your fiance refuses, you have bigger problems that the grungy grandpa.
Good luck...this is one of the most complex scenarios I have seen in the forum.
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am I wrong to offer up the Reader's digest version?
Probably, but here it is anyway....

omg! run!!!

lovbob
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Yes, you are getting into trouble as someone who just graduated from college with evidently the money to buy your own house with a noble, but possibly enabling, fiancee who does not seem to get it that your relationship must take president at this point, even though yes it is not your job to say how grandpa gets cared for, but it is reasonable to expect his grandson to be so emotionally enmeshed with his grandfather, broken home or not. Doesn't grandpa have any living children? I think if a social worker or a home health nurse came into that house today, they would declare it an unsafe environment and possibly a building code inspector would say that house is not up to code and thus not a safe building to be in.
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About that "broken home" rationalization. It is pretty hard today to find someone who doesn't have a "broken home" somewhere in the picture. Their own marriage dissolved, or their parents divorced, or their kids never married but split up and share custody of the grandchildren. It is very very sad and it can be very hard on the people involved. Sometimes people need counselling to heal. But we all have to take responsibility for what we do today. You don't want your own home to be broken before it even gets started. Take your time in moving forward in your relationship. Be sure you are on solid footing.
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My best advice to you STL is to wait. Don't rush into getting married until you've got yourself established. I see trouble on the horizon for you in thinking that your fiancee will even consider moving his grandpa into asst living or a nursing home. The fact that you haven't discussed it with him yet, tells me you're worried too. Get out on your own, do your social work, get yourself going by yourself and see what happens. I think it's wonderful that your fiancee has stepped up to help his grandfather, so don't expect things to change just because you're coming into the picture, related or not.
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It is sad to read of one more caught in a situation like your future husband in fear of guilt over an obligation promised years ago. As an adult, he is free to change his mind in light of the current situation now with his grandfather vs back then as well as his being single then and now preparing to get married. However, it is not up to you to fix this, but the more I read,(thanks for telling us more) the more I think you would be within your rights to say let us get some counseling before we get married and maybe an objective third person could help sort these things out without you having to get triangulated between him and his grandfather.
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Ah, more details come out.

You want children and a clean, well functioning home? Ain't gonna happen here, honey. Get yourself disentangled from this disfunctioning household if you want to meet your goals.

You are afraid that if you marry you will be taking care of Grandfather and then, because of the difference in your ages, be taking care of your husband? Yup. That is a highly likely scenario.

You resent them now a little bit? That is nothing to how the resentment will build if you let yourself be trapped in this situation.

Your fiancee withheld significant information from you when you first met (online)? Ask yourself if that is a characteristic you want in the father of your children.

This man cannot afford to live rent-free, pay only utilities and food, and cannot maintain a house in livable condition? He is sponsoring you financially now -- what did he use that money for before he met you? Not fixing the plumbing, that's clear. So how will he suddenly be able to afford to pay mortgage payments on his own home, pay taxes, pay utilities, buy food, and support you and children? Even when you work, is that going to make enough difference? Do you love him enough to be willing to live in poverty? You see what his current standard of living is like.

There is not escaping -- unless you choose to escape.

I don't know much about the conditions on Visas. You are here under someone's financial sponsorship. Can you get a work Visa? Can you apply for citizenship (and do you want to)? Is going home and starting life there with your education a viable option for you?

You sound like a very logical, intelligent, observant person. You can surely make your own way in life. Maybe there are technicalities that will be hurdles for you to start with, but you have youth, vitality, and intelligence on your side. You'll make it.

Now that I know how old you are, I am going to give you the same advice I give all my grandchildren: Do not marry (or live with someone) until you have supported yourself for at least a year. Learn to be independent before you become interdependent.

You are very wise to be questioning your future in this situation. Best of luck to you as you sort this out.
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Ok I have now read all the postings since the original.

stl - whatever your primary language is, translate this and make it your mantra:
"this man is out to control me, I need to get out and away"

This whole internet/visa is set up for enslavement and entrapment. He has you totally beholden to him, once you get married you will be legally bound to him.
From his perspective this is a win-win, he get's a young, pretty, educated sex buddy who can work her butt off for him & grandpa and since he's the "sponsor" he has total control. IMHO this is never good. Even we are all wrong and he is the Archangel Michael - he'd always have you cleaning another part of his wings.

Go and see the consul for your country to see what your options are. You can do some of this on-line. Do you have your passport or does he have it? Have you had any of the ICE meetings regarding your visa? ICE has a whole division that deals with these sort of issues.

Also is there anyway you can have family visit? That was a great idea, Like for a month. So that it establishes that in the future your family will be doing this - that you have people and they will be there eventually.
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stl...Caregiving is a very hard hard hard road. I applaud your b/f immensely to being sweet enough to take care of his grandfather. Bravo to him for doing so. I just lost my mom recently and when I started the venture 2 years ago thought I was going to go insane...but trudged through the thick and the thin and at the very end was with her on Family Leave for the past 3 months and GLAD I DID IT. My mother never wanted to go to a nursing home..and when I did check out long term care found it HIDEOUS..at least the ones around me..in a middle class neighboorhood at that... My suggestion..and only a suggestion mind you is to keep at it...since you know Social work already you should know a lot of what lies ahead. The poor old man you must know may not know what he is doing, and putting the foot down does not always help. You think they know what they are doing but sometimes really not...the mind does deteriorate with age. He may not know what he is doing but thinks he does. I would wait until after perhaps grandpa is no longer living with you before you get married and carry forward....this might make your relationship stronger - the two of you working together with the same goals..it's part of life. Think of grandpa and his life he has lead and just to be thrown out after all this at an old age....we all get old...and we don't want to be tossed away. I would glean the best of what you read here....hang on to yer britches and go for the long haul...it will make you a better person in the end...I really think so. Remember we all get old and will be in the same boat one day.

Hey bobbie I said boat...lol!
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