I recently got engaged to a man who has lives with and has cared for his grandfather for the past 10 years. Is it wrong of me to suggest putting him in a nursing home so my fiancée and I can focus on our marriage and buying a house?

Ok I have now read all the postings since the original.

stl - whatever your primary language is, translate this and make it your mantra:
"this man is out to control me, I need to get out and away"

This whole internet/visa is set up for enslavement and entrapment. He has you totally beholden to him, once you get married you will be legally bound to him.
From his perspective this is a win-win, he get's a young, pretty, educated sex buddy who can work her butt off for him & grandpa and since he's the "sponsor" he has total control. IMHO this is never good. Even we are all wrong and he is the Archangel Michael - he'd always have you cleaning another part of his wings.

Go and see the consul for your country to see what your options are. You can do some of this on-line. Do you have your passport or does he have it? Have you had any of the ICE meetings regarding your visa? ICE has a whole division that deals with these sort of issues.

Also is there anyway you can have family visit? That was a great idea, Like for a month. So that it establishes that in the future your family will be doing this - that you have people and they will be there eventually.

Wow big age difference between you and your fiancee, that alone can be a challenge. I would have to refer to what Ed said about in short, 'how much do you love this man'. If you are ready to be his wife and make a life and a home with him...well grandpa kinda comes with the package...cause there is nothing deeper than family in this world. I would put all the cards out on the table now since you are soooo young and think about the goals you have in life. If they are just having a home and family with your husband..then hang on to the man you have if you love him to bits. Grandpa will not live forever, you just never know how long you have with him. I forgot to mention in a previous post, perhaps there is someone else who can help caregive. I know you are of limited means but maybe sometimes you need just someone else with a fresh prespective to make the house more manageable. Perhaps you can get a part time job...but I don't know if that is in any violation for Visa's. Is there any other family that can possibly come or a neighbor to come and sit with him, or help clean up. The older folks tend to get wierd and messy..it just comes with the territory with the deterioration of the brain..they just don't know any better. If you peruse through Aging Care there are a lot of gross stories...a lot! So acess your situation and see if this is what you want for your life...do you love him enough to endure what comes. Sometimes grass seems greener on the other side and then you find it is not.

Wow, so much advice! But I feel compelled to add a few things:
0. It is true that kindness is the most beautiful thing in the world and should drive our actions, but it can be cruel to be kind.
1. the dog: that is animal abuse and need to stop immediately. Take the dog out of there and bring it to a no-kill animal shelter or placement agency for this very purpose. Council on aging can probably advise.
2. power of attorney? does your fiancee have power of attorney? if not, he needs it so he can stop letting someone with a child's mentality run your lives. If he had poa he could get the house fixed with grandpa's money.
3. Would you let a 5 year old decide for themselves and worse, for you, how to live life? He may be an adult physically but he isn't one mentally.
4.5. If you have kids with this man, will they be allowed to do, eat and mess what they want at all times? Somebody has to be the grown up.
5. Take the emotion out of it and let reality and logic rule for one hour. During that hour sit down and write down what advice you'd give to a friend in your situation.
6. Igloo' has a point, don't become a statistic.

What kinda dog does granpa have? Is it a small or large dog and how old? Is it hard to take care of?

Get out while the gettin' is good, woman. I cannot believe that you would consider a life that already sounds like a horror. Get your own place and seek therapy. When the air is clear, and your fiance 'ever decides that he would like a clean home without all the drama, maybe you can try again.

Please forgive me for laughing, but your story has made me laugh because grandfather reminds me of my dad who was 84 when he died 2 1/2 years ago. My dad was an old mountain man and quite contrary though very sweet, too. It is a difficult combination to deal with because most folks on the outside knew my dad as being a good hearted, hardworking man who would do anything he could for them, but his family had to take his contrariness and dirtiness, especially my mom. She had so much dirt to clean up over the years, poor thing. And scrubbing the work clothes on a washboard because of the dirt, even though she did have a washer and dryer. It was only when I was caring for her when she was terminal and a cousin was paid to look after dad and the house, that my cousin said "Poor, ____, she had to deal with this all these 56 years?" I smiled and said, "yes." Finally, someone understood the dirt that seemed to appear from no where and the stubbornness.

I do not know what I would do in your circumstances, because he is not your family unless you choose to be apart of it. He is from a generation where they had to be frugal because of the Great Depression and the rationing of World War II and that mind frame never left them. Actually, I think it would do our own generation a bit of good if they could learn this lesson a little bit. Sometimes it can be a bit frustrating, though. Also men of his generation were more likely to be waited on by the women of the family or in this case the younger family members. I have no idea if grandpa is like he is because of the life long experience or if now that grandma is gone and not calling the shots that he is taking advantage of a good thing. If anything this is good experience for you as a social worker to not always judge a book by its cover. That even with the best care, it can be a challenge for a caregiver to keep a person clean, fed, and home in shape. As for going to the doctor, it is the grandfather's decision as long as he is deemed sane enough to make his own decisions.

You need to think long and hard about what you are willing to do and have a good long talk with your finance. Good Luck.

STL: Say bye-bye to your fiancee and his grandfather. You don't belong in this picture. You come across as selfish and distorted. Give these people a chance to find another soul who cares about THEM and everyone will be happier. Bye.

The comments keep coming and the story continues....lol. I am quite close with my fiancee's younger sister. She is the one I am able to really vent, too and go to for advice. Since she has been in this family all her life, she knows how things became to be this hell of a mess I am stepping into now. According to her, the grandparents we're the main caregivers to my fiancee and his 3 siblings. As I said before, the mother was pretty brutal to them. A young, single mother who was desperate to find a man and even pushed her kids aside to do so. As time went on, her kids grew up knowing their grandparents to be the providers and caregivers. When they became adults, the oldest sibling, my fiancee's half sister, got involved with an addict who would rather support his habit than pay their bills so she would rely on her grandfather to "loan" them money for bills, food and school clothes for their kids. My fiancee's brother was the type to impregnate, marry, divorce a woman and skip out of town when he was forced to pay child support. He would always find a way to get money from his grandfather. My fiancee was out on his own at this time and was supporting himself. His younger sister got married and has two wonderful kids and a great job. So the grandfather was pretty much the family ATM for the two siblings and on occasion his own daughter (my fiancee's mom). When he told them there would be no more "loans" - they all vanished.

As for some of the posters comments about my fiancee's living conditions - men are messy by nature. My mother cleans up after my father. My sister cleans up after her boyfriend and his company. My little brother's room has no floor only piles up dirty laundry and video game controllers and dishes. My point is, the grandfatgher had someone to clean up after him for 41 years! I bet he never lifted a single finger or washed a dish in all his married days...so why would he start now when he has a grandson and his fiancee to do it for him? My fiancee is a very clean guy. His room, now our room, is always spot-less. In fact, I am barely out of the bed before he starts making it! The grandfather is the one causing the mess. Everyday there is at least a full garbage to go out in the afternoon, and one more before bed. He urinates all over the bathroom floor, the toilet seat and lid. He throws dirty tissue and paper towels into the bath tub and shuts the curtain. Water is constantly splashed all over the sink counter. Believe me, we both clean the bathroom alone, 5 or so times a day! The kitchen counter and floor are cleaned everyday, garbage is changed around the clock. Newspapers are being collected and tossed away. It is not like my fiancee is rolling around in the garbage or adding to it. He even splurges on expensive home and industrial cleaners to kill germs and eliminate bad smells from the urine and garbage.

My fiancee once made the first attempt at a home repair by calling a plumber to fix and replace the toilet. To our surprise, the grandfather has flushed food, paper towels, rags and even dry cement into the toilet. The plumber also found cardboard (empty toilet paper rolls ripped and flushed) and an old house key. He told us he was surprised the toilet worked at all and didn't flood everytime it was used. Within a few months, we we're having problems again and now our basement ceiling leaks everytime the toilet is flushed.

When we asked the grandfather about making any repairs he said he was fine with the house the way it was and that he didn't feel repairs we're necessary. More recently, during a trip to Lowe's, he bought a couple 0.98 cent a piece tiles and cut them up and nailed them to certain parts of the kitchen floor where he felt there were cracks. I mean..THIS is the stuff we are dealing with. Any normal person would look into replacing the WHOLE floor, not one little corner.

My fiancee and I have access to showers both at work and at our gym. We are able to keep our part of the house clean and tidy no problem. It would be nice to wake up and shower or shower before bed at HOME, but for now it works. We have both put money into the house as far as buying new dishes, a new toilet and getting new furniture for his grandfather since he refuses to spend any money whatsoever on that sort of stuff. My thought is, this is NOT our home. My fiancee has no interest in living here or repairing it to live here once his grandfather is gone. So he won't put money into the home. Plus as I said, he is covering the expenses on his grandfather's home, our gym memberships, travelling expenses, our food and other activities that require money. He is also paying half my student loans with me. I am not able to get a work visa. I have applied for a different visa and the work visa is included but won't be issued for 1-3 months. We are in the very beginning stages of our visa journey.

Outside the home, my fiancee and I are so much alike. I love the man he is and I want to marry him. I don't want to marry his grandfather. And although he tells me how much he appreciates me helping him out and tolerating the situation, I still feel at times he takes advantage of our relationship and expects me to do the things I do for his grandfather. Because my fiancee works afternoons, I am home for 8 hours a day mon-fri alone with his grandfather. The things you can hear an 84 year old man say when he thinks nobody else is around.

As for the questions, what kind of woman would I be if I hadn't snooped? He told me about an ex he was with for 5 years. Apparently, their relationship was too rocky for marriage and the girl had her own issues. His sister told me my ex was a womanizer in his past and was never serious for long but she has seen a new man since I was introduced to her last year.

Although my fiancee's family is torn and he is enabling his grandfather to live an unhealthy, untidy lifestyle, he means very well. He still attempts to take his grandfather to the DR (although we are denied everytime). Instead we have been going to my fiancee`s DR and asking questions about how to keep his grandfather healthy and etc. My fiancee has told me several times he never knew it would be like this and all he wanted to do was make his grandma happy and he can`t wait until we live in our own house and have our own family...I just feel his grandpa will never let it happen. My fiancee once told me the whole reason he actually moved in was his grandfather would call him and make up stories that teenagers would hang out in the park by his home and bang on his doors and windows...of, course...it wasn`t true but that is how the grandpa is. He would rather lie than just ask for company or help.


I don`t WANT his grandfather to go into a nursing home. I want my fiancee to finally move out into a house of our own to give himself and yes, me, a break. I just feel a nursing home would be more suitable as I don`t believe the grandfather would be able to live alone.

Oh, I just saw a couple other questions. Of, course we don`t have company over! There is nowhere to have company as the grandfather occupies the living room and his dogs constant barking occupy the whole house.

I don`t tell my parents or friends. All they know is his grandfather `gets sick` and that he likes to make up stories and that he can be cheap....which is a huuuuge understatement. I don`t tell them because they would all tell me to run as well.

I don`t want to leave my fiancee because he has done nothing wrong except to care for someone and enable them to live however they like. And who am I to come into his grandfather`s home and tell the old man it`s time to change? One thing I am comforted by is that my fiancee calls it ``gramps house`` whenever he refers to being there or going there. Which let`s me know he doesn`t feel at home there either...and that would also help him move more easily.

Poor N1K2R3, it is that kind of judgement God himself frowns upon. Thank you, though, for your concern and kind comments.

All in all, I love the old man a lot. He is sweet and pretty funny, too. And Kitty you were spot on! I think about those things all the time! I just feel my fiancee could use a break. I have been in the home a year and a half and I aready need a break so I could imagine 10 years of the same thing everyday. I also think not living in that home would help me get closer to the grandfather and I`d enjoy his burnt biscuits a lot more if I didn`t have to scrub the oven afterwards...lol. Thanks for all the support and comments.

How about caregivers pay, the father owns a house. Your fiance should be getting compensated for caregiving. This said, hire a housecleaner during the day and come home to a half descent home. This is a great group here , so many ideas!

You're walking in a mine field, girl.
If you are not certifiable, get out of that relationship, otherwise you WILL be be
insane (or feel like you are) in a matter of months after the wedding!
If you insist upon marriage, don't put the house in his & your names & don't mix your assets.
In fact, a lawyer might be the best next stop on your path to ruin, to get advice on drawing up a pre-nup.
And what makes you think grandpa or sonny will agree to a nursing home!?

Grandpa need medication-there are ways to "trick" him into going to a Dr. & you my dear may someday become like him (demented) have heart & stop thinking so much about yourself-gramps isn't going to live forever!

It is hard for a 22 year old to grasp the concepts of a long lifetime of some of us have already gone through plus caregiving. Stl...think long and hard - it's your choice in the end. It seems that if you and your finacee work hard enough at it, you can make the house livable...there will be a time when granpa cannot walk and then you will miss him at least doing that. Take care and good Luck in whatever you decide...p.s....please take care of the doggie as well!

I am not thinking only of myself. I am thinking of the three of us. And ANYONE here would be lying if they said for a minute they would not have a single doubt about their future if their husband or wife to be was caring for a parent or grandparent and expected their soon to be spouse to move in and help with said caring. It is not that I don't care for the grandpa or that I don't feel I should be doing it. It's the way it happened. The fact I was not told or prepared for the conditions of what has become MY home or that I was able to make the decision to agree to care for his grandpa. I was just thrown in the mix but do I do it? YES! In fact, I am the ONLY person beside his grandson who care enough about him to not only keep his house as tidy as possible or food in the fridge, I spend time with the old man talking about his past, his wife, his favorite t.v shows. I have a heart and I use it fully. I am aware I could one day be in his position that isn't my point. The point is I want my fiancee to realize WE don't have to live with his grandpa to care for him properly. If he is of sound mind to make the decision not to see a doctor, then he can live on his own. I was explaining my opinion was a nursing home might be safest for him as he still attempts to do things he can no longer do i.e cooking in the oven. So I am actually trying to look out for him...not abandon him and take his caregiver with me. I am not married yet I have the full right to leave without another thought or word, but I haven't so please don't act as though I am a bratty child. I am merely a young woman with an older fiancee who wants to enjoy the married life with the man of my dreams.

Caregivers first have to take care of themselves. Related or not..you are tired of the bad behavior. Your fiance seems to have been rewarding bad behavior for 10 yrs now. As Dr Phil would say, "How's that workin out for ya?" Grandpa is displaying childish behavior as the elderly often do and you expect him to act like an adult. He can't or won't, but you two can. You gotta be the grown ups here and make grown up decisions. It can be done compasionately. Don't feel guilty about it. If it were a child you wouldn't think twice about making the hard decisions. I'm not saying put him in a nursing home, but something needs to change. This is not healthy for Grandpa or the two of you. It's best to make these decisions before you tie the knot. It will be harder later. Hope it all works out for you.

Lots of good advice here. It may be time to share all your concerns and ideas with you fiance....that is where it will have the most impact. It is okay to vent here...but actions speak louder than words.
good luck

stl: God bless you, dear child. Take it from this 83 year old, happily married for 57 years, grandma, both your finance and you are in need of some counseling. DO NOT CONSIDER MARRIAGE UNTIL YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH THIS SITUATION. Don't just talk it over with your finance, get outside counseling.
I advised my children not to consider marriage until they were at least age 26 - it takes a while to mature, even your physical brain is still growing and maturing until that age. My two kids who married before that age are both divorced.
Your finance has a ten year relationship with his grandfather. That means part of your relationship with him is tied up with grandfather, whether you welcome it or not. A not too silly comparison is a boy who has had a beloved dog for ten years and will not part with it, but it sheds and has medical problems and his fiancee wants him to put it to sleep - this is a common problem with engaged people.
You marry for better or worse, in sickness and health. Believe me, neither my husband or I never considered that I would end up being his caregiver when he got Alzheimer's. I care for him out of love and respect for my vows. With love, Piver

In your first paragraph you say, "...but I love the old man." Then your recent post says you almost feel like you never want to see him again. It sounds like you have some very ambivalent feelings about the old guy. He may be a pain in the butt, however, I'm betting he has some good sides to his personality that have snagged his grandson in to stay....and possibly yourself, as well. It's a tough call to make. I'd tread into the area of leaving the Grandpa with great delicacy. From the way you describe it, his grandson really cares about him. You don't want the grandson to point the finger of blame at you if he has guilt about it later down the road. It would be best if you can make it be HIS idea, after gentle suggestions along the way from YOU.
Best of luck to you on this one. Grandpa sounds like a challenge.

I strongly concur with Piver!

You started living with this man when you were 20. That is too young to decide upon who you want to live with the rest of your life. You are not done growing into who you are. Give yourself some time. Maybe this is your one true love. If so, taking some time won't change that. (I married the first time at 20. Big mistake.) You sound very mature. But 20 is too young and 22 is too young.

The man you love is twice your age. That can work out. I would never tell someone not to marry an older person (I did it). But I know that it adds special circumstances. For example, even if you start having children soon (NOT my recoomendation at your age!) Daddy will be nearing retirement by the time they are in high school. When he is ready to retire you will be just hitting the peak of your career. Being out of sync in your progression through life is not fatal to a relationship, but it is something to consider.

He has been married before. So have most people his age. No reason a second marriage can't work better than the first one, especially if he learned from it. If he blames it all on his ex-wife, that might be a red flag. Why didn't they have children? Are you sure he wants children? That is something else to work out. No hurry. TAKE YOUR TIME.

As I advised my grandchildren and now my grandchildren, LIVE ON YOUR OWN FIRST. Get a room. Get your own studio apartment. Share with a roommate you are not on intimate terms with. See what is like to pay your own bills and keep house for yourself and figure out what to do when the toilet overflows or smoke is coming out of the toaster.

Marry him, or not. Learn to live with Grandfather or not. But first. step back and GIVE YOURSELF SOME TIME. You deserve it. You have a fine head on your shoulders. Use it on your own behalf.

I being a caregiver my self for the last 5 years to an Alz husband, think you should let the grandson do what he wants to do. Sounds like he feels the need to care for this grandfather, good Lord the man is 84. I think I would get on with my own life and if its meant for you two to be together then it will happen, facts are facts the grandfather cant live forever. take a longer deeper look at the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I agree with Jeane and Piver. No hurry getting married. Be on your own for a while. If you've already done that, Bravo! But still wait to get married. And be sure all these questions are settled in your mind. Marriage is tough and always a work in progress. Fiance sounds like a very compassionate guy and understanding. Talk, talk, talk. And then talk some more. You gotta communicate. Your feelings are just as important as his. If you two really love each other, waiting until these problems are sorted out shouldn't make too much difference. Besides, dating is fun. I wish I could just go back to dating my hubby. Enjoy it a while longer.

My grandmother was a lot like the old man. She was very ornery and didn't like anybody. She cussed like a sailor and her house was filthy. Mold growing on dishes, kitchen table covered with half eaten stinking food and newspapers stacked up for a month. My mom and I would go over once a month and give the house a good cleaning, take her to the store or whatever she needed, listen to her complain about everything and then kiss her good bye and not worry about it til the next month. We called every week and sometimes every day to make sure she was ok, but did not NOT live with her or bring her into our homes. She was toxic. Can something like that be worked out with Grandpa? Could you disconnect his oven and get a microwave for safety sake? No hot plate either. Nothing that could burn down the house. If you bought the diapers would he use them instead of his homemade ones. Does he have an income of his own? could you talk him into giving you two a monthly stiphend to cover those expenses? If he gets lonely could you pay someone to go play cards or something with him? His money should cover that too. So many things you and your man should discuss before you commit to marriage.

Piver....you are one remarkable 83 yr old spring chicken! I wish I could teach my mom to use the computer. And my husband for that matter. Nothing elderly and childish about you. What I meant to say was those with dementia etc can be very childish. You are firing on all cylinders. You and your family are blessed. Taking care of your husband seems to be second nature to you. Bless you for that.

That's what marriage is all about. Take note. Your fiance my be just like his granddad one day and you will be responsible for his care. Learn to be compassionate but firm now. Do what's best for Grandpa, he will be your family too when you're married. It may be living with him or making it safe for him to live alone. There are options. You sound like a smart girl, you'll figure it out.

STL: First of all I am not "poor" in any sense of the word.....literally or figuratively. It's been my philosophy to be brutally honest....not as honest as Dr.Laura, but plain ole honest. Call me in about five years. I guarantee that this situtation will not work out. If this couple tries to "make it work:", it will end up in heartache for all involved. My advice ( and no one asked me) is to leave now. Let him find another partner..another girl who will empathize with the situation with the grandfather, who won't be around forever, I might add. Nowhere is it written that one must be married. Marriage, as it states in the spoken vows, should be entered into freely, unconditionally and without reservation. Should I say Amen?

AMEM!!! marriage is hard enough when there are just the everyday problems, now to add this to it is just stupid!!

Please post the first draft of your novel on this website! We're all enthralled.

The first thing I would do is call the social services office and see about talking to a geriatric counselor about the situation. If the grandfather is on Medicaid, you could get a home health worker. The social worker could make a visit and see the condition of the home.
You are not going to like to hear this, but take it from someone with personal experience. There is the possibility that your boyfriend may choose family over you. You need to discuss this with HIM first. Doesn't matter what anyone on here suggest because it's HIS relative and you need to find out where you stand.

i wouldnt get married at all . go live with them for a lit while and see if you become thier slavery , then you ll know for sure what you want to do .
good luck .. sounds like a hassel to me and a headache ....

stl, you are 22 while your fiancee is 45. I just want to share one biological fact for you to consider since you desire to have children. Older fathers over 40 have twice the rate of Down syndrome births.

Well here it is:
I had so many people contribute great advice, and many great ideas. So I decided to take the leap! I took my honey for a picnic and everything I've been waiting to say started flowing naturally.
I told him that I loved him very much; and that I was sure I want to marry him, I just don't want to marry him right now. I told him I wanted to do more exploring as a young woman and not as a young bride. I also told him it would give him time to really think about what becoming my husband would mean.
I told him I admire everything he does for his grandpa and that I think he fulfilled his promise to his grandmother very well. I also told him I was proud of him. When he told me how long and hard his journey had been I started to feel bad for wanting out after only a short time (year and 1/2) involved. My fiancee told me how happy he was that he met me and that I was as wonderful to his grandpa as he hoped his other relatives and any ex- gf's would be but failed to be in the past. He also told me his grandpa talks non stop and asks about me when I am not there. Pretty heavy stuff! I was pretty stuck for words right then, but my fiancee continued. He told me that even though it was the hardest, most tiring and frustrating thing he's ever done, he wouldn't have missed such an opportunity to spend that kind of time with someone he loves so much. Isn't he the greatest?
Then I got that lump in my throat. He asked me what was on my mind...and I had to stay strong. I was not going to let all the good advice go to waste. I repeated how much I admired what he was doing but I told him things didn't look so healthy from a different standing point.
I told him that his grandfather might have the common problems that come with old age, or that it could even be something only medicine could help. I told him that although his grandpa was able to get around on his own, it was up to us to make things easier and safer for him to get to. I asked him if he felt comfortable with the idea of cutting back on giving in to his grandfather's 'wants' and focusing more on his needs. We also agreed that if his grandfather chose to eat t.v dinners, we would try to buy the healthiest dinners we could find for him. My fiancee threw in that he would buy twice as much water and hide a few pepsi cans in the back of the fridge so his grandfather would have to take in several healthy bottles of water a day before he could down the pop. I thought that was pretty funny. Creative...maybe a little cruel, but funny. My fiancee and I are going to give it another shot asking his grandpa to allow repairs in the home. We also are going to start 'relief day'. It is our own system to relieve each other for a whole day once a week of any duties involving his grandpa or the home. A WHOLE DAY :) I told my fiancee he could take the first few days for both of us as he truly needs them. Now...for the big finale!

I told my fiancee my goals are to finish my schooling, find a great job, travel, marry, and have kids. I also told him I want to take my nieces an nephews to see the ocean within the next 5 - 10 years. When I asked him what he saw for himself in the future, he told me he saw me as his wife, a baby or two, a nice clean home, and maybe a dog. I asked him how far off in the future that might be and he told me he already thought up a plan.

The plan is to let his grandpa know he will be moving out and into his own house. Then help prepare the home and his grandpa for the move, create a schedule for check cashing, bill payments and grocery shopping with his grandpa. We will both take turns once or twice a week to stop by and check on the house. My fiancee will continue to cut the grass and shovel snow and take out the garbage. He is going to ask his grandfather if he would like someone to come in and do the cleaning. As for the nursing home, he said putting his grandma into one was the hardest thing he had to do until he realized how much she loved it. At home she sat around watching t.v all day and waiting for company to stop in. At the nursing home she played cards and bingo, she made friends and had a number of activities to do. He said if living alone doesn't work out after awhile, he will approach his grandpa with the idea.
I know talk is cheap, things change, and it's easier said than done. But this is a great start. The smaller changes are going to happen first, then the bigger ones will follow. I trust my fiancee means well for all of us and I am going to stick by him and help him any way I can. One thing I told him I won't do is stop living for myself. I reminded him that I am only 22 and just starting out. Some people will say that is selfish, others will tell me it was a smart move. All I know is I accepted one ring from one man and like it or not I got two. Although it has been a mess, it is my mess and I am going to help fix the things I can and work harder to accept the things I won't be able to. And on occassion I will vent and I may extend my Relief Day to several days, but I am going to follow my fiancee's example and stand by someone I love for better or worse. I am not running to the altar anymore but I am going to enjoy the walk.
I appreciate all the comments and well wishes and the great ideas. Hopefully the plans we have so far will pan out and if not we can revise or start fresh. Fingers crossed!

Thoughts on the new breakthrough? Is it a breakthrough? A promise to be left empty? Something that can't be fixed?

In case this is for real, and not a trial-run for a new soap opera plot (and actually even if it is for script or a book) I'd like to suggest that you try to do something for that poor dog, and that focusing on what Grandfather needs includes a medical evaluation. Even if he refuses to follow a treatment plan, at least all parties will know what they are dealing with. And who knows, if it turns out he has CHF and there are some ways he could regain more energy, maybe he'd think that was a good trade off. Or maybe not. The option would at least be there.

Best of luck to you, stl, in your future marriage (or in your writing career)/