My father is a danger to himself and others. He repeatedly threatens suicide, has several guns. I worry for mother's safety as well as his.

I would start with a call to 988, the suicide hotline to report what you said to us exactly and ask for advice. I would tell them that my next call is going to be to my local APS and I would make that call as well. I would then get family together and go to local police and sheriff office unless the former two advise against this.

It is, yes, entirely possible that your father will kill first his wife and then himself. And I would make it clear to ALL authorities that you speak to, that the removal of the guns from the home or their unthought out interventions could well result in the death of your mother, your father and themselves. The Forum has had this question before, unfortunately. I am certain we will again.

This isn't do-it-yourself. Your father should be ambulanced to a psyc unit and your mother removed from his care and to a safehouse.

Do know that when action is taken by family is when ALL OF YOU are in the most danger of losing your lives.
I am terribly sorry for you family being hostage to this madness.
Not every question has a good answer; I am afraid this is one of them.

How awful. So sorry your family is dealing with such a horrible situation.

I hope others with personal experience or knowledge will chime in but my first thought is has your father had any dealings with law enforcement previously? Has anyone called 911 about his suicide threats when he makes them? Has anyone called APS or requested the police do a welfare check?

I think you need to document everything carefully, too, as you try to defuse this powder keg.

Hoping for the best for you and your mom.

OP, you keep preying on my mind. Perhaps this situation is more ‘normal’ in the USA with its particular gun laws, but in Australia where I am this would indicate a seriously disturbed man and a serious danger to anyone else involved. Please get advice before you rock any boats. Please leave intervention to the people trained to do it. Please make sure that if anyone is shot, it isn’t you.

What do you do? You put in a call to the local police or the ATF and tell them that he has mental illness, demenita, and a history of violence and will not allow anyone access to your mother with dementia who needs care and help.

Let them know that you fear he will harm her and himsef because he has threatened to in the past.

They will respond.

If he threatens you or anyone else and you are witness to it YOU call 911 and say that you are afraid for your safety and for the safety of others. Explain the situation.
If he threatens suicide you call 911 and that he is threatening to commit suicide.

It honestly sounds like your dad is not competent either.
If you know where the guns are in the house and you can safely get to them and remove them from the house or lock them up so that he does not have access to them please do so.

Does he have a Primary Care Physician that he has seen recently? Is there a way to get him in to be evaluated? If not the ER will have to do.
IF and when he gets to the ER you must talk to a Social Worker and say that mom is not safe with him in the house.
The ideal situation would be to remove m om from this volatile environment.

This is how elderly people end up being murdered by police! It's always well meaning do-gooders who go to the worse people for help the police who have no training for this sort of thing seen it happen many times. He says one wrong thing or makes a quick move and police will shoot your father 20 to 30 times! Do something in family is best bet move your mother to a family members home or facility on your own. Never ever get police involved most old timers are all talk.

The only think you can do is report him to the police and/or APS. You will need to warn them that he has firearms in the house, that he's suicidal and your Mom has dementia (in case they question her and she defends your Dad). Call now.

If they remove one of your parents from the home, what plan do you have in place to care for your Mom? If no one is her PoA then social workers will probably refer her to a judge for a court-assigned legal guardian.

My first step would probably be to make an appointment to talk to the Police or a Domestic Violence program about the situation. You will need to give them clearer information about the suicide threats and the ‘verbal and physical abuse’. They can usefully give you more detail about what needs to happen to trigger intervention, what evidence you need (if any), and what sort of intervention is possible. It is often hard to take action before a tragedy happens, even if you think it is foreseeable. Getting on their radar is worthwhile in itself, and they need to know that he has multiple guns.

If you want more from us, please give more details. Otherwise all we can offer is sympathy, which I can see you deserve. Best wishes, Margaret

OP, please remember that your mother has chosen to stay with F for many years, tolerating or forgiving his behavior. If the worst happens – particularly if it is prompted by any intervention you bring about - it is a result of her repeated choices about what she has wanted. That does not make it your fault. There are no possible winners in this situation.

I would try getting mom out by telling the parents there’s a new Medicare requirement that women need to be screened for breast or uterine cancer or some female problem. Take her to the er and ask plainly for a social admit as she has dementia and is being screamed at by dad with guns.

After that, I would proceed to the police department to secure a tro for your mother so that your dad doesn’t know where she is or where she’ll be going to.