I am an only child..In 2015 my father passed away at the age of 88. Immediately I packed up my life and moved back home to assist my mom as she cannot live alone. I now know why my poor pops never made it out alive. Currently she has somewhat managed CHF, COPD,, melanoma x2, invasive breast cancer, which she did chemo and radiation for. It came back and in 2017 I nursed her back from a double mastectomy… emptying drains every 2 hrs and changing dressings. She wouldn’t allow a nurse in the house. She thinks everyone wants to steal from her. She has to ingest 24 pills every day to stay alive and has oxygen at home that is also used daily. She’s had it all. Yet she continues to steam roll through life, purposefully trying to hurt me as often as she can. She looks at me with absolute hate in her eyes. She twists things to relatives and paints me as a horrible daughter who I remind her of constantly of my “grifting, deceased father”. Her words, not mine. She wakes up ready with an argument and anger on 100. Granted she was always a fire cracker. Always a narcissist. I'm sorry I’m here complaining but I am just broken. Beyond broken. All of the childhood abuse has come back to me full circle. Aside from the hitting, pinching and pulling my nose, my hair…..That all ended with high school….somehow she learned to put the brakes to the physical abuse The damage was already done though. I think she knows I won’t take it. I’m in my 40s now so maybe that’s why. Anyhow I appreciate this forum. There are days I cry my eyes out feeling so alone And then I find myself daydreaming of the day she is gone….but the guilt of such a sinful thought takes me right back to reality. Year 6 y’all. I’ve actually read posts from people who have lost their mother and wish it were me. I have to ask God every night to forgive my sinful thoughts. Hoping for peace and maybe some love eventually. Both long term relationships I’ve had ended because they were abusive ( go figure ) so now I choose to be alone. I don’t trust my “desperation for love” decisions so I’m much safer alone. Aside from that because of her wealth anyone I would bring home will be fully investigated. She threatens to remove me from a full inheritance as her nieces and nephews would be much more deserving and appreciative. Again her words. I feel as though she is resentful of me and my good health. Imagine your own mother constantly telling you….you MUST have cancer, you PROBABLY have high blood pressure, THAT has to be a blood clot etc. And the thing is I am a health nut. I don’t eat certain foods and have weighed the same weight since high school. Probably too sad to even want to eat most days…don’t drink alcohol and am in bed every night by 10:30pm. I feel she would love for me to be sick. Isn’t that crazy? Ahhh what a life. Relatives and others are hateful towards me because of her money. I just cannot win. People looking in think I am so fortunate because of all that she has amassed but little do they know her daughter’s struggle is very, very real….
I know you say you feel guilty and you think wanting her to die is sinful. Who wouldn't, given what you've said. You are enmeshed in a situation that has robbed you of your self-esteem. You think you have no self worth. Well who would in a situation such as you described.
Are you staying because of the money? You say she's promised it to others anyway. So what's in this for you? Some misguided sense of duty and obligations to someone from what you've said never deserved it in the first place?
Please make arrangements to leave. Then go get yourself some counselling to discover why you've allowed your mother and others to mistreat you for so long. You're only in your forties. It's not too late to start over.
She threatens with the inheritance.
I wish I had more concrete solutions to offer you but stay tuned on this site cause there are many on here who will probably have better answers for you.
Don't give up!
A shelter would be a better place than living with her.
Do you stay because she has money and you are afraid to be without it some day? I hope and pray that isn't the reason. I'd rather live in a homeless shelter, than put up with the crap you put up with.
You are not responsible for your mom and her care. You are only responsible for yourself, and your happiness, and it doesn't sound like you've been doing a very good job of taking care of you. You can start by moving out and getting a place by yourself. Your mom has enough money to hire some outside help to come in to care for her, or even for her to move into an assisted living facility.
You really need to seek out a good therapist who can help you better understand why you continue to put up with the abuse from your mom and others, so you can once and for all break this dysfunctional hold that seems to be over your life. You are worth it, so I hope you will get the help you so desperately need. God bless you.
My mother is very much like yours. She had and has legitimate illnesses and does not have dementia.
Out of her children I was the one who was her whipping post, the one she hated, and the one she used as an excuse to complain and lament to anyone who would listen. I am also the person who got saddled with the burden of being her caregiver.
You don't say whether or not she has dementia, so I'm assuming that she's physically dependent on you but still has her wits about her. That can be an advantage to you in the meantime. Do what I do. I just told "mom" the other day that she can't make a sandwich on her own so either shut the hell up or go hungry. She rarely starts up and instigates with me anymore, but sometimes she just can't help herself. Of course I'm not doing it for free. I get her house when she passes.
Try this same approach with your mother. Tell her to shut the hell up and if she has a problem with something can do it herself. Tell her that it isn't her choice to "allow" homecare services to come in because you're not going to be enslaved anymore. Then go ahead and arrange some.
She treats you this way because it's how she maintains control of the situation and keeps in going on her terms. That needs to be reversed and fast. Caregiving only works if it's done on the caregiver's terms and not the needy care recipient.
Stand up for yourself and set some boundaries. Then stick to them. If you have to get a little mean and nasty to establish those boundaries, then do what you have to do. When you start giving some of it back to her, she'll start laying off you.
I will try the more ‘firm’ route. She loves to argue though.
Thank u so so much for your wonderful advice. It made my heart happy to hear I’m not alone I’m sorry for ur circumstances as well. Sending u a hug 🤗
You need to keep telling yourself that Mom needs you more than you needs her. Stop looking for love and acceptance, Mom is not able to give it. She doesn't know how. Don't allow her to hang the inheritance over her head. Act like it doesn't matter.
Bet you have regretted giving up your life. Can you not move in with your daughter until you can get on your feet. Give Mom time to find someone who can coordinate her care. Maybe time for an AL with her health problems.
An abused child should never care for the abuser.
Ask yourself, what happens if she should pass before you? Then what. You're responsible for the decisions you make in your life. Is one of them going to be taking care of her for the rest of hers?
I can’t help but wonder if she even has you in her will. How do you know that she is leaving her money to you?
Money isn’t everything! I realize that you say that you are trapped with her. I wish you hadn’t quit your job. Can you ask her to pay a caregiver salary for your help? Some children and parents have a caregiver contact and the children receive compensation for their services.
I stay because I am very close to God and I feel He would set a different path before me if that is what He wants. And I always have the “honour your mother and father and thy days will be long” playing over in the back of my head.
My mother would literally be alone in this house. She cannot even do simple things like fill her humidifier bottle of her oxygen tank. Grocery shop. Take out the trash. Getting the mail outside is a chore for her that takes her a good 20 minutes….and the mailbox is not that far. Her meds…all 24 of them…I help administer to her. If I leave chances are she won’t take what she is suppose to. I never want to feel responsible for her death. Not trying to argue your points at all. I appreciate all of the kind words Went to bed last night with a heavy heart because over time I believe abused people end up thinking it’s all very normal. Just making the issues here visible. Thank u so much for everything
Second comment is that you say that she has stopped the physical abuse she handed out to you as a child, because ‘I think she knows I won’t take it’. You don’t have to take any of the abuse. You stopped some of it, why not stop ‘taking’ the rest of it. Shout back at her and tell her what you REALLY think of her. What have you got to lose?
If you're seeing the strange behaviors like walking around naked and eating food out of the cartons like you're saying, that sounds like dementia. True your mom did have chemo and that screws with a person's brain as well, but given your mother's age with it.
Can you talk to her primary care doctor without her present and tell him about the behaviors? He can advice you on what to do next.
I totally understand what it's like to live with a person who loves arguing and wants to fight all the time. Do not argue or fight with her for any reason. This is for your sake not hers. Completely ignore her. She wants attention. Instigating and fight picking is how she goes about getting it from you. Don't play into it.
Please get some professional help for yourself. You are not only suffering from burn out but also from depression. Find a psychiatrist who will see you right away. If you can't get an appointment right away, consider a self-admit through the ER since you need rest, counselling, and maybe some medications to help while you reset your life.
You are not alone in your desperation. My mother did some of the same things—was resentful of my success, convinced other people I was the mentally ill one when I’ve never had any health issues of any sort, even wrote a letter to my employer to get me fired. I used to beg God to take her. It took 8 yrs. 8 yrs of torture. At the end I got up and walked out. She died a year later (“of a broken heart” 🤣). Narcissism like theirs is a congenital brain disorder—my mother started in on her older sister in grammar school. Your mother will never change. She will never give you any credit. She will never be ‘normal.’ She will only continue to enjoy torturing you. If I were you, I would plot to get her into an institution, secure your inheritance (get her diagnosed w dementia) and walk away. Do not let your faith be used as a cudgel against you. Do not feel one ounce of guilt. Say goodbye, give her over to God and don’t look back (except in therapy!). Change your name if you have to so she can’t track you down.
As horrible as it sounds I speak from my heart…I know I would feel relief and freedom It all seems thousands of miles away for me at this point. Instead of waiting around and wishing death upon anyone I am learning that I probably should try to mend my broken spirit with some therapy.
Thank u so much for your kind words I am happy for u …. that you are finally living a beautiful free and peaceful life.
take good care,
Daisy. ♥️
Thank you for your response to my earlier posting. I respect and appreciate your faith in God. You are entitled to your beliefs. I feel that you have misguided compassion. Honoring your mother does not mean accepting abuse from her.
Also, God gave you a mind to reason with. It is reasonable in this situation to leave, even if that means relying on charity, such as a shelter. No one wants to live in a shelter as their first choice, but I have a couple of friends that made the decision to do so, due to abusive husbands. They not only survived living in a shelter, they were extremely grateful to have a safe place to live. They protected themselves and their children from further abuse.
I was happy to volunteer with these women after they got back on their feet. We participated in fundraising for this shelter. We raised enough money to make gift baskets for the residents of the women’s shelter for abused women. We also bought books and toys for the children.
My friends used the shelter as a stepping stone. They are Christian women, who used reasoning instead of being submissive to their husbands, as the Bible says to do. The pastor at my church has said on many occasions that God doesn’t expect a woman to stay in an abusive marriage. These scriptures aren’t meant to be taken so literally. You have an abusive mother. Abuse is abuse, whether it is emotional or physical.
You said that you don’t ever want to be responsible for your mom’s death because she relies on you. You will not be responsible for her death if you leave. She is responsible for her own needs. She can choose to enter a facility. How is it your fault if she doesn’t make good decisions regarding her well being? That is on her.
Don’t you feel worthy of living a good life? Do you really feel that God would want you to live a life of misery with your mom?
I realize that you have a big heart and wish to do good in this world. I admire that. There are lots of worthwhile causes that would be happy to have your help. Allow others to deal with your mom. You won’t be neglecting her. You will simply be delegating the responsibility to others that are better suited to handle her needs.
Seek out others who have walked in similar shoes, and made the wise choice to leave. Walk away and don’t look back. If you feel that you must remain in her life, do so as an advocate for her care, instead of doing the enormous ‘hands on’ tasks that you are doing now.
I wish you peace as you navigate your way through this difficult time in your life. Take care.
I believe I have all of this buried very deep into my heart and have ignored it all and that is how I get through each day. Putting it all out there and asking for advice has brought so much to a forefront that I’m almost afraid. Isn’t that just weird?? Thank u so much NeedHelp♥️
Thank u all ♥️
* You 'win' by setting boundaries and putting yourself first, for survival.
* You 'win' by focusing on YOUR mental, spiritual, mental, and physical health.
* You 'win' by deciding to leave the care of your mom to caregivers.
* It isn't really winning once you remove yourself from her narcissistic behavior; it is survival and respecting that you deserve a quality life.
* You likely need to be in therapy yesterday.
To say: I'm sorry I’m here complaining but I am just broken. Beyond broken."
* Saying this AND continuing the cycle shows how wounded you are.
* Allow your mother to make her own decisions.
- She can legally if she is not diagnosed otherwise.
- You may need psychological counseling to remove yourself for the pattern of this relationship with your mother which likely has gone for decades, if not from birth.
- Allowing your mother to make her own decisions will be very difficult for you.
* You want a mother who hasn't been there for you - perhaps never - because she couldn't / doesn't know how.
* You have been so beaten up that your self esteem and self respect has been buried deep inside you (it is there . . . to come out!) to create a healthy life-style learning who you are inside.
I am not being judgmental; I'm responding to how you express yourself and your behavior / the dynamics you are involved in with your mom - and the CHOICES you have [and continue to] make
* Learn to love yourself as if you are your own mother. I had to learn this - because my mother didn't have the skills or experience to do so; she never learned to love herself so how could she love your child/ren? and teach them to have self-esteem and self-respect?
I am sure that it is not unusual for wounded women to have children; we, the child, need to learn we have to do for our self --- do the inner work --- that our mother didn't have the tools / inner resources to do / healthy mothering.
God bless you and Namaste,
Gena / Touch Matters
Thank u all so so much for taking the time to offer me advice. I cannot promise I will make any of u proud by walking out of here just yet. But I will keep updating. Thanks again.
My mother was not abusive to me growing up & we stayed together & went on vacations , Macy’s…just about everywhere. We were both sad after my Father passed away…so we probably should have sold house back then…but I guess we had too much stuff to deal with it…& I went back to college that was a block away….
There are meds for your mother’s disease..if you take her to neurologist or he or she can come to house. Probably she will need brain MRI .
Look into getting her into a facility sooner than later.
Hugs 🤗
So sorry you've been in this horrible situation for six long years.
Thank u all so so much for taking the time to offer me advice. I cannot promise I will make any of u proud by walking out of here just yet. But I will keep updating. Thanks again."
What kind of "wealth" do you mean? Did you quit a job? Is any amount of wealth worth this abuse?
What kind of caregiving does she get from you? I take it you and your D live with her in her house?
It sounds like you are not ready to change your circumstances just yet. Why not tell us the very first step you will take, and let us cheer you on to take that step sooner rather than later?
My D lives 6.5 hours north, she has her own life.
Your right, I am currently unable to leave but am looking to find some coping methods. Sometimes something as simple as those who have similar circumstances who could relate and understand truly help as well. At least I know I’m not alone.
Thank u for taking the time to respond to my situation. Take care
I sympathise with you totally and wanted to let you know you’re not alone facing this terrible situation
She and my dad moved to town three years ago and then daddy's health quickly declined. I was happy to be able to help care for him, going to lots of doctor appointments and spending hours upon hours at the hospital and rehab. He was such a different person. It was a gift to spend that time with him. How he endured my mom is beyond me.
You deserve your life, you are valued and worthy! Please hire some caregivers for her and make your plans to either leave or have her placed. In the meantime set some boundaries for free time for yourself. Your health is very important. No one can keep up with this. When she starts her tirades walk away or get in the car and leave.
So sorry for your pain. Please make a plan.
i’m sending huge empathetic hugs!! :) :)
poor you.
and those are truly terrible words your mother says.
by the way, great you take such good care of your body!! :) :) same weight as in high school :).
unfortunately,
some mothers are very mean towards their daughters:
they’re jealous.
you wrote:
“All of the childhood abuse has come back to me full circle.”
as someone on this website wrote: you’ve been forced back into the abusive relationship.
you can abandon her: but of course you won’t do that because you’re a nice person.
you can care for her: a little contact or a lot; either way you’ll be abused.
i wish you to protect yourself. make sure you live your life too!! now’s the time to fall in love, maybe have children (apparently when we meet the right man, we naturally feel like having children).
big empathetic hugs to you!!!
as for falling for the wrong guy...
it helps, i think, for you + him to be happy people, before you meet for the 1st time. a secretly angry/frustrated-with-life man will eventually try to drag you down.
unhappy wants to drag happy down.
in other words, unhappy people can be sometimes dangerous.
don’t marry/get together with an angry man.
at first sign, leave.
hugs!!
unfortunately your mother won’t change, i think.
i hope you can protect yourself.
hire helpers who come to house, even if she doesn’t want it.
save your life.
help her. her yourself too.
hug!!
bundle :)
Your mother has well exceeded any familial requirement for you to care for her and from the fact you say people think you do things for what she has amassed she can afford to go into a facility of her choice for care.
You are an adult who deserves to be treated by an adult, not walked over and treated as some form of slave to her ego.
Get out and let those hateful relatives take over if they think it a good idea - go and make your own life and leave a person who is toxic to you to their own. Good luck, and have no guilt, you have done as much as a mother deserves and more than an abuser, which is what she is, should even be considered as being deserving of.
Its my mother too, everything you mentioned right down to my own health and she has already removed all her kids from her trust and left it to a group of homeless drug addicted “caregivers” that are also her flying monkeys
There is a You Tube channel called The Crappy Childhood Fairy, she talks about people like us and why we tend to isolate.
Please don’t spend another 6 years doing this, sometimes we are born into certain families to grow in spirit. In our situation in may mean to learn to say No.
Even if it takes our whole life.
And thanks for the YouTube suggestion. Going there now.
Take care
Next time she starts in with nasty remarks to you - ask her why she has spent so much her life saying and doing things to hurt you? If she holds the carrot in front to keep you trying to catch the 'orange inheritance', ask her who she would like to give her wealth to so you can call them to come manage her care as well. You might also ask her if she has a particular facility in mind so that she can live happily in another place and you can get out of her way. Don't turn any of this into a yelling match. No matter how loud she gets or nasty she gets - keep your cool and respond in a very quiet voice.
Has her cognition been assessed recently?
You have a right to a healthy life full of joy and not full of poison. Do not feel guilt for the wish your mother would die. I understand this feeling - there are times I feel my husband would be better off dead as he never seems to be able to find peace or joy in this life (maybe his next life he could find what he can't find here) - and I admit at this moment he is making my life absolutely miserable. However, I refuse to let him keep me down. Yes, I too ask God for forgiveness for my unkind thoughts. However, you need to give yourself grace and forgive yourself.
This is the hardest, forgive your mother for all the awful things she has done and said to you in the past and the ongoing abuse. You don't even have to tell her you forgive her (chances are she wouldn't care or understand). Forgiveness is for your benefit. FORGIVING her DOES NOT mean that what she did was in any way OK - it wasn't - WHAT it does mean is that by forgiving you release the poison in your system. It allows you to move forward to a better life. Forgiving doesn't happen quickly, its a process - as I like to say forgive early and forgive often; as often as you need to to feel the toxins flow from your body.
Get your ducks in a row and resume your life once you have your mother squared away. Get counseling for yourself as needed.
Honoring your parents doesn't mean you have to put up with her abuse or do hands on caregiving - you can honor your mother and caregive with some distance between the two of you.
I pray that you are filled with grace, peace, love and yes even joy.
I am so sorry for the pain you hold close too. I’m praying you get peace and freedom soon.
No she has not been assessed yet.
So many layers come with our lives…there never seems to be one easy answer. I’m trying to focus on staying a good hearted kind girl and am so thankful I never picked up any of her poisonous ways. I raised my daughter with so so much love and gentleness in every regard.
Sending you the notion that someone is here and gets it. And hugs
Thats how I handled a narcissist mother lashing out with her hate.
I used grocery store delivery (Pea Pod @ Stop & Shop) and I’d “meet her” at doctors appointments, as she needed a van with her wheelchair and oxygen.
Minimal contact, as I let HER attorney, tell her about transitioning into assisted living.
I show up for legal matters as a POA narcissist abuse survivor.
She appointed me trying to further torture me, but I handled it my way.
Do not allow her to further manipulate you.