Younger sister made decision for 95-yr-old mother to move in with her & husband when she finally lost her sight. Pam and her husband are 12 yrs. younger than us, have always lived closer, and always jumped in to help and make decisions about her care without consulting us. Although we weren't able to be there physically, we often offered monetary help and did what we could from a distance. They act like they are saints and we're the goof-offs and yet they also indicate that they don't trust my husband to be capable of handling any decisions about his mother. If they had asked, we would have said she should be in a nursing home the year before she went completely blind, but nobody asked our opinion. So, they moved her in with them and it is a tension-filled situation now because in Pam's husband's words, "I would have never agreed to let that bXXX move in if I'd known she was going to live this long." So, they call us asking us to keep her for 3 weeks about every 6 months so they can have a vacation. My husband loves his mom, but hasn't enjoyed her company for many years before she was elderly. He has his own limitations due to age and a mild stroke, so all of the care taking (which is pretty equal to taking care of a toddler) of his mother falls on me. I feel bad to think negatively about it, but I'm no spring chicken and this is pretty taxing for me both physically and mentally, and I just keep coming back to the fact that they wouldn't need a vacation if they had placed her in a nursing home. Both of them talk about her being in their home as if they hate it, so their decision confuses me. All I can figure is that they want to be credited with being the martyrs who took her in. I feel like we can't refuse to keep her because we "haven't done our part enough all these years" and it's been "all on them", but also feel like if they'd asked our opinion they wouldn't need our help now. So. Here we are. I'm taking care of a husband who depends me to handle all the responsibilities of our household and also doing the care taking for their mother. Am I just being a selfish wench?
I would suggest you help sister find a respite place. Maybe get a short list of places near where "sister" lives or get a name of a contact who can help them find respite or a permanent care home.
They have her full time, but act like they don't enjoy her being there? Are they getting her social security check or funds? Just food for thought.
I wouldn't bother with any talks with your SIL because she sounds like she has it all planned out to dump this burden on you. Since she is playing the part of the martyr, she can find an agency to fill in as a live-in when she takes a vacation.
I am in your sister-in-law's position and my now 97-year old mother moved in with me 2 years ago after a stint in rehab following a hip fracture. This was in 2021 during covid so assisted living places and nursing homes were not so easy to get in to and I even wondered if it was the right thing to do at that time under those circumstances. I asked my sister to check into places with me and she wasn't receptive to helping with that at the time and it was hurtful. I've since found out she was dealing with something herself I didn't know about. And I am the daughter who had mom living next door in a what I call a "detatched in-law house" since 2009 while my sister lives over 2 hours away. She always visited though, at least once a month and often twice. She also has a son with autism so I know it's not easy.
After one full year of sole caregiving (I am a widow) I told my sister I didn't know how much longer I could do this and she brainstormed with me and she now comes to stay over night every 2-3 months for 1-3 nights, whatever she can do. It feels so good to feel some kind of support, whatever it is. And the little get-aways I have had have helped IMMENSELY. The best part was, it was her idea and I didn't have to ask. I don't know what's coming and I worry about it but at least I do not feel so alone in this anymore.
Hugs to you and Pam.
Due to age and a stroke husband has limitations so he can't physically take care of a 95 yr old mother. OP has enough caring for her husband, let alone a MIL who seems to be hard to care for. Note too there is a 12 yr difference between siblings. I would say OP is in her 70s more likely. I will tell u right now, if I was in this position my MIL would have been placed if my husband had health problems and I was caring for him.
My Mom was in both an AL and later a NH. She was very well cared for. I never went into that NH where Mom smelled or anyone around her. She was always clean. The place was clean. The staff easy to get along with. OPs in-laws have a choice. They had a choice when they took her in.
I am 73 and I will not be caring for anyone but my DH. I have been there and done that with no help from siblings. I found I was not a Caregiver so placed Mom in an AL 5 min from me.
So your half-sister is from your father's first marriage? (You write that you are your mother's only child.) I don't find it particularly surprising that a stepdaughter is not stepping up to help her stepmother. Do you?
What would happen to your mother if you were unable to take care of her?
Caring for a loved one ,especially parents, is not easy and regardless of who made the care arrangements, you do have a responsibility to help.
Solution: Seek out a care facility near you that will take someone for 30 days.
This will give your sibling a much needed break and you'll the opportunity to spend time with her.
You will be able to visit daily, take her on outings, or even have her spend the night with you.
Caring for a loved one ,especially parents, is not easy and regardless of who made the care arrangements, you do have a responsibility to help.
Solution: Seek out a care facility near you that will take someone for 30 days.
This will give your sibling a much needed break and you'll the opportunity to spend time with her.
You will be able to visit daily, take her on outings, or even have her spend the night with you.
But in my opinion it would not be unreasonable to give your sister a couple weeks rest a couple times a year in the short term while working on a better long term solution.
A. Change what she is doing:
From asking if you can but not hearing your reply - to asking if you can, listening & ACCEPTING your answer. You say yes or no as you need. If no, she moves on to other options: NON-family helpers (in her home or respite care).
B. Or Stay the Same..
Keep asking, not listening, not accepting, getting frustrated & resentful. Not getting respite care for Mother, not getting her holiday. Feeling then'victim'.
I'll add C. Await a Crisis.
A crisis will FORCE change upon her. Just as it does to stubborn elders who refuse help. Same.
Is there a DPOA in place ? Who’s name is on it ? Is there a living will ? What is mom’s financial situation ? Does she have insurance ? Is she safe and comfortable . . Does she have others medical problems ? How about the will ? If you have has no input into any of the decisions and realistically are already overwhelmed by your husband, I see no reason to open your doors. I wish you some type of connection with your sister. Things would be easier for both of you with open conversation. There is help out there ..You just have to look for it . There are agencies and caregivers meetings . There is Hospice for your mom. There is Medicaid to help if you have to place her. There is therapy to help you and your sister. Both you and your sister would benefit if outside help was brought in . I am sure you both want MOM to be safe and
comfortable. None of us thought be would be where we are today, but it is what it is and it must be dealt with . You each have to do the best you can with what you have to work with . That is the most anyone on the outside should expect. There is NO shame and placing MOM where she will be safe .
If your sister was unfathomably stupid enough to take in your mother, that’s her problem. She should be in a nursing home.
There is NO because and YES, you can refuse them.
If you believe or feel you are 'being a selfish wench?' you will feel this way.
Examine your belief system. Beliefs can be changed as one decides to do so.
Gena / Touch Matters
Your sister & her husband want 6 weeks support while they take on the remaining 46. They carry the burden so yes, you lack compassion and show little understanding about the role of daughter/son-in-law-caregiver when the parent lives longer than the caregivers’ expectation. Your sister and BIL are making sacrifices to give your mother a lifestyle she wants. So yeah, they get to feel like a saint and martyr and everything in between.
It doesn’t sound like you wanted your sister to consider your opinion; it sounds like you wanted your way and resent the fact that they didn’t take it and want help. Your sister is saving your mother the cost of being in a facility. If there’s an inheritance left because of this, do you expect to inherit? And if your mother doesn’t have the money for a full-time facility, are you offering to pay for it?
If you can’t handle three weeks, ask for 3 two week periods and hire help for your mother and husband. Or pay for your mom and/or husband to go to a respite caregiver facility (places designed to give caregivers a break).
PS. if your sister hadn’t taken in your mother, would she have spent Covid years in assisted living lockdown?
The issue now is that the mother needs care. Why should OP pay for the mother’s care ? She’s not obligated to spend her money on the mother , especially when she may need it for her husband’s care .
Do you think OP should pay because the sister is saving the mother money and possibly inheritance as you mentioned ? Retirement savings should be used to take care of the person in retirement . That’s what it is for. I can’t stand when people say that their inheritance is being wasted on a nursing home. There is no such thing as inheritance until the person dies .
The mother’s own money should be used to pay for her care whether it be help coming in or a respite facility.
I took care of both my parents without the help of my 4 siblings, nor did I ask for help . I did not feel like I had the right to act like a saint or a martyr .
You can’t force caregiving on someone else . If the sister needs a break she makes other arrangements if OP can’t help . It’s that simple . If OP wants , she can help find a respite facility and visit the mother . The guilt trip you put on is ridiculous .
Try making a group appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist and an Elder Law Attorney who can mediate the issues.
He is mad at ME b/c I have no relationship with his mother and so I was adamant that would not do one single thing to help with her care (hands on, is what I mean, I will do a lot behind the scenes).
MIL is in this situation b/c YS promised her she'd never put her in a home.
It's killing us. I am having heart issues b/c of the stress DH brings home with him after 24 hrs with his mother.
If your family want to be martyrs, let them be. And look into respite care for the 3 weeks they want to be away.
They have options, respite care, in home carers or moving their mother to a facility that can provide the higher level of care she needs.
OP, you aren't selfish, and I think you should continue to advocate for yourself and find a better solution for your mother.
Another thing you can do before writing any of this down, is to ask your mother what she really wants. Her decision should be an informed decision. An informed decision involves looking at all living options. In your mothers case, she would probably need to go in assisted-living, which is significantly better than going to a nursing home. If you don’t know the difference between the two, please look up on this website the differences. Depending on which state your mother is living in, there are smaller facilities that house 5 to 6 people, typically in a single family home,. In some states they are classified as adult foster homes. If you call the local area agency on aging where your sister lives, you’ll be able to get some additional help and have an idea of what options are available. You will also make a better impression on your sister knowing what’s out there. Make sure you don’t sound like you’re pushing for mom to move into a place. A lot of kids take their parents in out of guilt and are horrified at the idea of their parents living in a community environment. Many studies done at the University level have shown that older adults tend to do better living in a community environment then at home with their children. They feel more independent and not a burden to their families. Depending on how you present this to your sister, she may understand that she has other options.
Finally, many care facilities offer a service known as respite. This is to give families breaks from caregiving. Your sister’s area agency on aging should be able to give you information on this. You need a break, too, so this could be helpful for you as well.
Give them the break! If you can not do it hire someone who can and let them have their vacation. Despite any relationship issues with the mother she still is a human being who needs help and that help should be from all involved.
While each of you have valid feelings, try to do what is best for the mother at this point. Keep her interest and care needs at heart, and while recognizing the family differences, do the right thing for the mother/ the most vulnerable and in need member of the family at this time. If you honestly cannot see yourselves being involved anymore in any way now, please graciously decline and, allow the other part of the family to go forward with decisions. Also hopefully there are POA documents in place as to who has been designated by the mother to make decisions on her behalf. If not, the family may need to confer.
There should be guidance offered to all by her PCP as to her " level of care needs" and an assigned case manager usually a licensed social worker who can help families navigate choices, options for care.
The family may also benefit from conferring with an Elder Law Attorney.