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I am 35 years old, will be 36 next month. Last September my aunt (84 years old) who takes care of my mother (65) was hospitalized. Her children were concerned for her health. My mom has been completely disabled since 1995 and has 2 daughters. Prior to coming back to help, I was just starting to get back into life on my own. My former fiancé suddenly passed last year in January. We were together for 10 years. I packed up the home we shared and moved to Pensacola. My aunt’s daughter called me in Sept of last year and informed me of the situation. She stated that no one would be able to stay with my mom while her mom was in the hospital. My younger sister just turned 35, has 2 kids and said no when my mom wanted her to help her. That's when I received the phone call. I literally dropped everything job, apartment, etc. Had just lost my vehicle in April due to transmission issues, so I was catching Lyfts everywhere along with the of fiancé family. My cousin and her mom called me while I was in the hospital and said that she will sign over POA. My mom will get me a vehicle when I come down. So, I literally left from working a double shift hopped on a flight just to be here. This has been going on a year in October and it's as if nobody remembers anything that was promised to me. I lost my job that I had transferred here, my mom gives me less than I was making and I have no transportation. I still have to get Lyfts and taxis when I need to go places. Granted she paid for my cataract surgery in Jan this year. I never asked her to do anything, just what was promised to me. I want to have a life of my own however my mom can't do anything herself. Am I wrong for wanting for myself? I go all in for everyone else. I clean my mom and all. My other sister does absolutely nothing! Only time she comes over is for $$. I am getting overwhelmed. I need a break too.

Help1989, first of all I am so sorry about everything that has happened to you in your life.

Secondly you are only 35 you deserve a life, I am very sorry about your mom, but is there a NH that she can be put into, so everyone can have there life. It certainly sounds like your aunt can't do it any longer.
It may be time to start thinking of another solution for moms care. You need to get back on your feet.

Thirdly , I feel like a car while taking care of your mom is a nassesity, but as they say, never loan money to anyone if going to need it. I think this falls in that category. You probably shouldn't of expected it, would of made your life easier anyways.

Fourth, don't expect any one like your sister to help it is usually dumped on one person.

You could tell your family that your done in 30 days and no matter what leave. If your worried you could call APS, after you leave.
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Help1989 Aug 3, 2024
My aunt is POA she said I'd get it I'm the oldest just come and everything will fine. However, it's not
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Wow, what a stressful, overwhelming situation. Can you describe how your mother is disabled? This might help with recommendations and advice.

Whatever the nature of your mom’s disabilities, asking one person (like yourself or your aunt) to give up their lives and future to caregive, at the expense of health, jobs, personal relationships, etc. isn’t fair or sustainable. Something has to change, such as your mother going into care.
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Anxietynacy Aug 3, 2024
Also who is POA, would be helpful in answering this
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The fact is that legal contracts exist so that ‘promises’ can be enforced. You are not ‘wrong’ to expect what was promised, but you can’t enforce it. Look at your situation right now, and decide what is best for you to do. Don’t swallow any more ‘promises’. Get the benefits right now, or see a lawyer if things are 'promised' for the future. If they won't sign, you know right now how much faith to have.
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If your mother cannot do things for herself she will have to go into care.
As you can see, it was a mistake to drop everything in your own life and make this move.
You need to allow your Mom to have her own life and you need to have your own life, and the two should be separate.

These things just didn't "happen to you". They were choices you made. You did not have things in writing and there is no care contract done by an attorney delineating care duties you would do and what your compensation would be. If it isn't in writing it doesn't exist.

It is time to have an honest discussion now with your mother. You will need to help her seek appropriate care for herself while you get back to or on with your own life.
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Help1989 Aug 3, 2024
My mom can't talk or walk. So yeah she has her own life..At the time it seem like the right thing as a daughter. If I'm in another city how was it possible to get anything in writing??
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$500 a week and that only started at the end of May..keep in mind that I still have bills in another city that I have to pay as well.. my mom had 2 people coming in one of them being her other sister ..she quit in March she was fed up and left my mom on her bed pan..so now it is the regular person who come in only 4 hrs if that 9-1 she is always late and leaves early majority of the time..and myself. I feel like I was lied to just to come back and get stuck.. My aunt is doing better but her children tells her not to do anything for her sister because that's what I'm for.. but she tries her best and I take care of her sometimes as well she has helped my mom for 20 + years so far because my mom wanted her to. My aunt doesn't want me to work for strangers basically go out getting an actual job she rather me be here 24/7 . I'm a phlebotomist and before the accident so was my mother well she was a medical assistant, phlebotomist and cna. Other than that I'm with her constantly day in and day out.. I have a partner who just so happens to understand my situation and he is still hanging around. I don't ever hardly get time with him because of my situation. My aunt and her children tell me be patient etc.. but how much more do I have to take?
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Beatty Aug 3, 2024
This 'job' is not working out.

If this was just a job, you would seriously consider giving notice to quit, right?

But this 'job' is what? Harder to define..
A. Short term. Based on perceived obligations. An offer to help in a crises. (With income thrown in for fairness). Or
B. An ongoing no-end-date arrangement?

I think it is both reasonable & responsible to re-evaluate.

If A. Maybe your gift of time & help is up (or nearly up).
If B. New conditions will need to be arranged. A plan that works for you as well.
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You say “I feel like I was lied to just to come back and get stuck”. Perhaps that’s right. Perhaps it seemed the easiest way to handle the situation for the people who already were there and stuck. Assume it’s true, and work out what’s the best option for you now.

You are mid-30s and Mother has been paying you - just not what you were promised. If M has money, is in her 60s, and is capable, she is responsible to herself for organising her own care options. Can you just go home, and leave her to find another solution? Give her the phone numbers for care agencies that can meet her needs, it isn't 'abandonment'.
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Help1989 Aug 4, 2024
Mom can't do anything for herself someone has to speak for her. My aunt feels because mom has 2 daughters to basically step up , so I feel like yes I did the right thing because no one wanted to do it, neither do I however it has to be done. My younger sister isn't stepping up in no way possible and she has 2 kids mom asked her to come and she told her no. So I came with honestly good intentions. I'm always helping everyone else ..I'd like a break sometimes though
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Is disabled mom on Medicaid? If so, ask for placement, now. Walk away from this. Get a job, any job and reclaim your life.
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Help1989 Aug 4, 2024
Mom has a private nurse that comes in only 4 hours a day 5 days a week.. me and my aunt do the best that we can.
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In this situation I'd say you do not want POA. What you say you want is to have your own life, so go get it back. Make a plan, give notice, and leave. There doesn't seem to be any way that this is going to work out for you, car or no car. You didn't have a car anyway, so you are in that way back where you started. You just don't have the job you want. It was a mistake to leave your other job. But we all make mistakes, no judgement. It seems you have enough professional experience to get another job, so you see, you are not stuck. As for your mom, if there is no one to care for her and if she can't afford to pay for home care, then she will need to go into a facility. It seems a nursing home would be best, but her doctor, social workers, and the aunt who is POA can get that figured out.
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Anxietynacy Aug 4, 2024
Yes my brother has POA, mom won't even put me on her emergency call list. I realized that this was huge gift to me , and helped me step back physical and emotionally. They did me the best favor they could do by expecting everything out of me and giving me nothing in return.
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I am gathering that your mother paid for your cataract surgery because you didn't have insurance because you weren't working at a regular job with benefits? I think you have been treated very poorly, but I imagine that cost was over $15,000 if it was paid out of pocket. Since you are 35, it sounds as if you may have a serious problem if you already have cataracts? Otherwise, waiting until you had a job again and could pay for the surgery through your insurance would have made more sense. Normally cataract surgery is not urgent, and if yours wasn't urgent, perhaps it would have worked better to ask for more pay rather than to have your mother pay for the surgery, I know, hindsight is always better than foresight!

I have a question about your mother, if you don't mind, You've indicated she can't talk. Is that a direct physical result of the accident, as opposed to a lack of comprehension (caused by brain damage also caused by the accident)? How do you understand her wants and needs? This sounds like a very, very difficult situation. I'm so sorry all of you-- especially you and your mother--are having to deal with it with no good end in sight.
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Help1989 Aug 4, 2024
I had insurance I was working in a hospital . I had everything scheduled in the city that I was previously in however, due to the circumstances of my mother I came to see about her and her well being. She said she would pay for my cataract surgery. Yes due to her accident in 1995 my mother is no longer able to talk or even walk. She can do limited things on her own such as write, and eat however, all things are done with her right hand. Her left side she cannot use as she had a stroke during her accident. We communicate by her typing on her computer and or she will do her best to write it down.
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An 84 yr old woman should not be doing this type of caring. So I would not even ask that she helps. She also cannot "sign over" her POA to you. Mom needs to be of sound mind and have a lawyer draw up a POA assigning you POA and revoking her sister.
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Help1989 Aug 4, 2024
It's her sister so she feels obligated to take care of her no matter what. I do help as much as possible. Mom is aware of certain things so she understands sometimes however this was years ago now her health is up in the air.. getting arthritis.. etc.. however, thank God my mother is on absolutely no medications whatsoever! She is quite healthy. She just can't talk , walk or do much for herself..only somethings such as feed herself and write with her right hand.
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Let me recap...
Mom has substantial care needs.
Her Sister (your Aunt) has been providing this since 1995. 30 years. Wow!

Aunt is now 84 & a new plan is needed.

THANK this Aunt for her LONG years of care & dedication.

But explain that a NEW plan has to be made now. Aunt's help will be so valuable in setting up the new direction.

Aunt asked you to step in. You did.
That's a BIG step for her I guess.. to start the process of letting go of being Caregiver #1.

I would start the process of having very honest discussions.
1. Clarify what Aunt wants.
2. Clarify Mom's care needs.
3. Clarify what you can do.

I have had to do this. What was wanted by relatives... what the care needs were differed ENORMOUSLY from what I could do in an ONGOING & LONGTERM way.

I had stepped IN. But I was not given to the power to step UP & lead things into a new ddirection. Therefore, my remaining option was to step OUT.

In, Up or Out.
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