I am 35 years old, will be 36 next month. Last September my aunt (84 years old) who takes care of my mother (65) was hospitalized. Her children were concerned for her health. My mom has been completely disabled since 1995 and has 2 daughters. Prior to coming back to help, I was just starting to get back into life on my own. My former fiancé suddenly passed last year in January. We were together for 10 years. I packed up the home we shared and moved to Pensacola. My aunt’s daughter called me in Sept of last year and informed me of the situation. She stated that no one would be able to stay with my mom while her mom was in the hospital. My younger sister just turned 35, has 2 kids and said no when my mom wanted her to help her. That's when I received the phone call. I literally dropped everything job, apartment, etc. Had just lost my vehicle in April due to transmission issues, so I was catching Lyfts everywhere along with the of fiancé family. My cousin and her mom called me while I was in the hospital and said that she will sign over POA. My mom will get me a vehicle when I come down. So, I literally left from working a double shift hopped on a flight just to be here. This has been going on a year in October and it's as if nobody remembers anything that was promised to me. I lost my job that I had transferred here, my mom gives me less than I was making and I have no transportation. I still have to get Lyfts and taxis when I need to go places. Granted she paid for my cataract surgery in Jan this year. I never asked her to do anything, just what was promised to me. I want to have a life of my own however my mom can't do anything herself. Am I wrong for wanting for myself? I go all in for everyone else. I clean my mom and all. My other sister does absolutely nothing! Only time she comes over is for $$. I am getting overwhelmed. I need a break too.
Mom has substantial care needs.
Her Sister (your Aunt) has been providing this since 1995. 30 years. Wow!
Aunt is now 84 & a new plan is needed.
THANK this Aunt for her LONG years of care & dedication.
But explain that a NEW plan has to be made now. Aunt's help will be so valuable in setting up the new direction.
Aunt asked you to step in. You did.
That's a BIG step for her I guess.. to start the process of letting go of being Caregiver #1.
I would start the process of having very honest discussions.
1. Clarify what Aunt wants.
2. Clarify Mom's care needs.
3. Clarify what you can do.
I have had to do this. What was wanted by relatives... what the care needs were differed ENORMOUSLY from what I could do in an ONGOING & LONGTERM way.
I had stepped IN. But I was not given to the power to step UP & lead things into a new ddirection. Therefore, my remaining option was to step OUT.
In, Up or Out.
I have a question about your mother, if you don't mind, You've indicated she can't talk. Is that a direct physical result of the accident, as opposed to a lack of comprehension (caused by brain damage also caused by the accident)? How do you understand her wants and needs? This sounds like a very, very difficult situation. I'm so sorry all of you-- especially you and your mother--are having to deal with it with no good end in sight.
You are mid-30s and Mother has been paying you - just not what you were promised. If M has money, is in her 60s, and is capable, she is responsible to herself for organising her own care options. Can you just go home, and leave her to find another solution? Give her the phone numbers for care agencies that can meet her needs, it isn't 'abandonment'.
If this was just a job, you would seriously consider giving notice to quit, right?
But this 'job' is what? Harder to define..
A. Short term. Based on perceived obligations. An offer to help in a crises. (With income thrown in for fairness). Or
B. An ongoing no-end-date arrangement?
I think it is both reasonable & responsible to re-evaluate.
If A. Maybe your gift of time & help is up (or nearly up).
If B. New conditions will need to be arranged. A plan that works for you as well.
As you can see, it was a mistake to drop everything in your own life and make this move.
You need to allow your Mom to have her own life and you need to have your own life, and the two should be separate.
These things just didn't "happen to you". They were choices you made. You did not have things in writing and there is no care contract done by an attorney delineating care duties you would do and what your compensation would be. If it isn't in writing it doesn't exist.
It is time to have an honest discussion now with your mother. You will need to help her seek appropriate care for herself while you get back to or on with your own life.
Whatever the nature of your mom’s disabilities, asking one person (like yourself or your aunt) to give up their lives and future to caregive, at the expense of health, jobs, personal relationships, etc. isn’t fair or sustainable. Something has to change, such as your mother going into care.
Secondly you are only 35 you deserve a life, I am very sorry about your mom, but is there a NH that she can be put into, so everyone can have there life. It certainly sounds like your aunt can't do it any longer.
It may be time to start thinking of another solution for moms care. You need to get back on your feet.
Thirdly , I feel like a car while taking care of your mom is a nassesity, but as they say, never loan money to anyone if going to need it. I think this falls in that category. You probably shouldn't of expected it, would of made your life easier anyways.
Fourth, don't expect any one like your sister to help it is usually dumped on one person.
You could tell your family that your done in 30 days and no matter what leave. If your worried you could call APS, after you leave.