My Mother moved in three months ago. I am pretty sure I read in the admitting paperwork that it was not allowed. Since she has been there, the ongoing problem with incontinence has continued, along with her refusal to acknowledge that there is a problem. Or to wear depends. Just a week ago, we finally took away all her underwear. OT is coming in now to work with her on multiple things, including showering, putting on a depends brief, etc. While this has been helpful, she goes to bed with just her nightgown. Because of all the issues, we have pads on the bed. So she thinks she doesn't need to wear anything, and says she isn't having any problem. And that if she did, there are pads on the bed.

When she stands, there is a big wet spot of the carpet with urine.

I am truly ready to pull my hair out! My mother's short term memory is gone! So when I call and ask, did they come in last night and make sure you have your briefs on, she doesn't remember. Does not remember if she had one on when she woke up.

I feel like the only way I can find out anything is to constantly call the nurses station. Which I am asking about what happened the evening before with a different shift.

Honestly, I am frustrated about a lot of things with AL. My life has gotten much harder since she went. I guess I will just stick with this one issue for now. I live 40 minutes away, so I just go down twice a week for now. Not worried about abuse, but it would just help me know what was going on.

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Its not reasonable to expect caregivers to insist your mother wear Depends to bed, and ensure that she is. AL is for reasonably independent seniors with mild dementia who are cognizant enough to realize they need incontinence briefs 24/7 and who are willing to wear them.

Your mother, at 95, needs memory care for a higher level of care and attention from staff who will help her toilet every 2 hours and also ensure she's wearing Depends 24/7. Just bc she's talkative doesn't mean she's not in need of more care. Why do people think elders have to be drooling and bedridden to "belong" in Memory Care? She may not WANT to move there, but she needs that level of care. In her AL or a different one if her current ALF can't see the need for her to segue into that level of care.

My mother could chew the ear off a goat and lived in Memory Care Assisted Living for nearly 3 years. She was not drooling or bedridden or stupid in any way. Just riddled with dementia and in need of more care than regular AL could accommodate and not ENOUGH care to warrant Skilled Nursing.

You're frustrated with AL bc you are expecting them to care for your mother as if she were in Memory Care but she's not. What's going on is mom needs a higher level of care which she won't get in AL. In reality, you don't have to manage her care....once the staff realizes she requires more care than they can give her, then you'll be called to make a decision about where to move her next. And if this AL claims she "doesnt need mc" then ask them what their CARE PLAN is for mother to ensure she's toileted every 2 hrs and dressed in clean Depends 24/7? Put it back on them to figure this out, one way or another.

Good luck to you
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to lealonnie1

It's made your life harder because she belongs in memory care, not AL.

The camera won't solve your problems, but moving her to the proper level of care will.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to MJ1929

My mom went into a large assisted living and I asked only one favor: leave the radio we provided be kept tuned to local public radio station so she could listen to the opera. Soon it was apparent that staff were changing it to a rock station. When asked how to deal with this I was told that due to multiple levels of supervision fixing this was impossible. The next day we moved her to an AL where this problem was easily fixed. Luckily we live in a metro area with lots of choices. But, when possible move on and place in a trustworthy setting. Mom remained there 12 years before passing and no problems. Silly? Maybe. But we took this refusal to deal with a small problem indicative of larger ones.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to bkoropchak123

Have your mother reassessed for placement level needs. It sounds like she has declined from ALF appropriateness and, she needs more skilled care and/ or memory care placement.

As for video, you should revisit the facility guidelines and/ or speak with administration at the facility.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to janicemeyer18

I did! I didn’t ask anyones permission either. I just stuck one up in the corner of her room. Don’t ask just do it.
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Reply to Crystals9369
freqflyer Nov 17, 2022
Crystal, if you placed a camera in a room without the facility permission, violating the Contract to live there, then the facility could either ask you to remove that camera or ask your Mother to find a new facility to live.

Please note, there are hackers out there who can hack into these cameras and place what they find on the Internet. I know I wouldn't want strangers watching my mother dress or any other personal care.
We had similar issues with my mom when she was in AL; she went in one week before COVID lockdown!!

The facility had wifi, so we bought an iPad and wall mount and had maintenance install it next to her bed where we could see her in bed or on her couch. I mentioned this before on the forum; it was a GODSEND! You can program the iPad to auto answer and leave it plugged in.

I usually called mom 3 times a day, my brother called 1 time a day, and my daughter called every night. Mom loved it, and we loved it. We could check on everything, and we were always chatty with the aides if they were in the room. We would tell her to urinate before bed every night and put on her depends. We stayed right on the screen until we knew she was all set and tucked in. Truly, I have no idea how we would have made it thru COVID without that.

Some places will allow you to pay an extra fee to put her on a toileting schedule. I think at my mom’s place it was an extra 1200$ per month. We didn’t need to do that thanks to the iPad.

You may also want to have her checked for a UTI. My mom wasn’t really incontinent until she started having UTI’s. Her main problem was stress incontinence; she would wet from the force of getting out of bed with a full bladder.

The aides don’t have it easy. In NY, regs allow one aide for every 18 residents. Eventually, when she did go to MC, it was one aide for every 8 residents. Big difference. But the aides at MC LOVED my mom, because she was pleasant and talkative.

Good luck!
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to caroljnorris

If the facility prohibits it then you can not put a camera in the room. If there is nothing about it then you have to follow the States rules. Some prohibit audio, some states you need 2 party consent. You can not place a camera in an area where a person should expect privacy. So none in the bathroom.
It is possible that you mom might need more assistance than AL provides and MC might be a better option
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Grandma1954

I installed a wireless cam in Mom room at memory care. I notified the facility, but did not ask permission. They did put a sign on her door that said "camera in use". You may find as I did that watching hours and hours of the video that it is more depressing than helpful, but in your situation, its worth a try.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to scrabblequeen

It sounds like your mother needs a higher level of care than AL. Assisted Living is not Care Taking.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to RedVanAnnie

my mom was in AL and it was a lot of work for me because she didn’t know/remember what she had done or not done. I prayed and then one day, I asked the receptionist if there were private caregivers in this place. She said yes and mom’s private caregiver began immediately. It was initially 3 days a week and then when her client passed, she became 5 days a week and another lady for 2 days. I chose 1-5 p.m. but I initially had 2-6 p.m. there was a 4 hour minimum but some caregivers are good about 2 hour minimums. I am so grateful for the wonderful people God put in my mom’s and my life. Mom spends a lot of time in bed-she is always tire-wearing out. But the 4 hours of care gets her out of bed, showered, lotioned, hair done, walking and engaged. She is mobile but fearful so the caregiver is wonderful to get her to events-even though she only watches-she enjoys. Mom was in AL and had cameras and a sign outside the door that said Surveillance inside. Her new place does not allow and it was hard to adjust. It has created more dependence on God for me and that is always a good thing.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Tandemfun4us

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