After taking care of my 94-year-old mother who passed on in March for the last year and helping her for over 10 years, driving, errands, shopping, money, etc. I feel quite lost. I retired over a year ago and I feel that my job was taking care of her. Now I have no purpose in life at this point since she passed on. I feel sad about it all. I have been talking to a therapist, but it takes a long time to get over everything, I guess. What do I do for the rest of my life? I want to move out of the area, leave the state, as everything reminds me of my mom and what she went through. I thought I would go back to where I grew up, but I am not sure about doing that. It would be nice to be living in a new environment. So I am just not sure what to do for the rest of my life. Thanks.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
Let me assure you, you WILL feel better. It is going to take time. My mom has been gone for a little over 8 months, and it's just now that I'm coming out of the "fog" and feeling like I can move forward in my life.
My suggestion is to get involved with a grief support group or a therapist to help you work through your grief. It's the hardest thing we humans have to deal with - grief - and it does really strange things to our thinking and emotions. Also, as mentioned above, volunteering can really help - because you are helping others, as you helped your mom - it will help you feel useful. If you like animals, contact your local animal shelter or rescue and see if you can socialize cats, walk dogs or something similar.
I think you should try something completely new. Go to your community college and take a class. Ceramics for Tea Drinkers? Italian Renaissance Cooking? Astronomy for Knitters? You don't know what you want so you have the luxury of exploring the plethora of options at your community college.
Another good way to start exploring is to go to your library, pick a new section every week, and pick one book to browse through. Perhaps you will find yourself pulled toward one section of the library.
Get out of the house! Take a walk. Get into the healthy habit of daily exercise. Start slow. Build up strength both physical and emotional. I know what it's like to feel lost. Do not give up on yourself because feelings are just feelings and you have control over them!!
On my first assignment as a volunteer, my route took me past the day surgery ward. I really didn't want to walk down that corridor. The whole episode had been strange - she shouldn't have been there, for one thing, but they didn't have any beds in orthopaedics; and I shouldn't have been there because strictly speaking visitors weren't allowed (no time, quick in-and-out it's supposed to be) but seeing as mother was old and deaf and demented they'd let me in to interpret; plus the last time I'd seen her had been at about twenty to one in the morning as they wheeled her off to have her open fracture set under local anaesthetic...
So one way and another it was all a bit emotional, that ward. Not as bad as the stroke ward might have been...
I digress, again. Anyway, my first volunteering assignment was a bit over a year ago. And I am happier to report that I now only glance at the Day Surgery Unit door as I go past it.
You don't forget. You don't "get over it". You do slowly get better at handling it.
The upside of where you are is that you don't have to do anything right now, this week. The downside is that, when you could go anywhere and do anything, it's the devil's own job to decide what you want.
So don't make any irrevocable decisions until the time has come.
Meanwhile, make as many revocable decisions as you can fit in. Say yes to invitations (you can always change your mind). When you see posters and flyers take down the number and get more information - you're not committed to anything. In small ways, though, do commit to *something* - even if it's only going to the library and helping with a children's literacy project or something (rather you than me, I have to admit - don't know why I thought of that example); otherwise you might find yourself welded to the armchair and unable even to make the phone call that every prisoner has a right to. Use your diary and set yourself dates and times to do things even if they don't involve other people; and try to make yourself do them (don't get too ambitious) but don't either beat yourself up if you can't.
You're looking after yourself, now. Imagine you're your mother, only more compliant and quite a bit younger. What would you want you to do?
My circumstances are similar. I lost my mother in January and although she was in a nursing home, I still took care of her. I visited her every day, shopped for her, took her out to eat quite a bit, we played Scrabble, and we spent a great deal of time together. So, like you, now that she's not here and my full-time job is gone, I spend a lot of time ruminating about her. So I now just talk to her :) openly and it helps me. I also went to counseling every other week and that helped. I am also looking to change where I live. Initially I was consumed with de-cluttering the house. This takes a lot of time and will keep you busy; pictures especially. So, now that the house is in good shape, I explore other places to live, in and out of state. I meet friends for lunch or dinner and I hope to work part-time a few days a week. In summary, I don't want to make any commitments of any kind right now for others as this time is about what we need. I'm sure your life, like mine, was on hold as your mother was a priority. I have no regrets and would do it again. It's time for you now. One of my favorite things is my knitting group because we share our personal stories. I would recommend a group activity. I wish you all the best and your mom was fortunate to have you.
Donna
His decision was to look for companionship. I am it :)
If you're not in the market for a companion - perhaps joining some senior activity groups would help to fill your days?
That's wonderful and how did you meet him? I'm not comfortable with online dating. I would welcome a companion/life partner.
Donna
You're still in a very tender time and may need several months to start feeling better. As has been previously stated, don't make any big decisions so early on.
You've been a generous son (your profile says male) whose identity related to caretaking your mom. You're obviously someone who derives pleasure from caretaking, so when you're feeling better perhaps volunteering at a care home would be rewarding for you.
Definitely seek the help of a therapist or grief group.
Your mom has completed the cycle of life and would not want you to suffer on her behalf.
The best thing you can do in her memory is to live the life you've been given as a person who gave selflessly for 10 years and has nothing to feel guilty about.
Since caretaking comes naturally to you, perhaps think about fostering animals from a rescue facility. They'll provide you with needed companionship and purpose until you can find your way.
Good luck!
I can relate to your feeling lost. When all my kids finally grew up and left home I found myself feeling like I had nothing to give since my serving as a mother seemed to be at an end. Then I started enjoying my grandkids.
For 4 years I homeschooled 2 of my grandkids, one from not knowing what a letter is to reading like a champ and showing an exceptional aptitude to math. Then we decided to put them into public school. Again I had that lost, having no worth feeling.
Now I am living with my parents, both of which are on hospice, both have dementia. Dad has kidney trouble and mom has breast cancer that is travelling over her whole body. Now I have worth again. But I know that one day they will both die and again I will find myself with nothing to do. But this time I am keeping other things lined up and just placing some things on hold until my folks are gone and I am again looking for something to do.
This time will pass. I know it does not seem like it now (I clearly remember that from when my 8 year old son died), but it really will become easier to deal with. It will never completely go away, but you will learn to cope and your life will have meaning again. Just hang in there. And keep coming back here to this site. That will help you too. Socializing is essential to healing.
Everyone is right in the sense that the first steps are the scariest and hardest to take. But in the long run worth it. Volunteering and doing things that will re-enter you into the friendships and activities that you enjoy and have lost or not been able to grow in the recent past due to caregiving.
I now work for a in-home caregiving company and have expressed desire to help displaced caregivers because of this very thing. Feeling lost and confused is so normal and we all need some direction.
Good luck and the reason that I still post here and read others posts is because its a great website that supported me as a caregiver and now as been a good support during my after care journey.
Let us know if any of our advice helps.