Follow
Share

After taking care of my 94-year-old mother who passed on in March for the last year and helping her for over 10 years, driving, errands, shopping, money, etc. I feel quite lost. I retired over a year ago and I feel that my job was taking care of her. Now I have no purpose in life at this point since she passed on. I feel sad about it all. I have been talking to a therapist, but it takes a long time to get over everything, I guess. What do I do for the rest of my life? I want to move out of the area, leave the state, as everything reminds me of my mom and what she went through. I thought I would go back to where I grew up, but I am not sure about doing that. It would be nice to be living in a new environment. So I am just not sure what to do for the rest of my life. Thanks.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

24 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You've been through so much. It's natural to feel lost. I believe the feeling of "feeling lost" is part of the prepwork, the foundation, required to begin the grieving process; your mind and body are trying to reconnect, trying to find it's balance again after years of these parts being there for your mother - but not for yourself. To me, this is what the "feeling of lost" feels like. I'm a big believer in letting ourselves feel whatever it is we need to feel before we can move forward, otherwise those stunted feelings will build-up into negative energy and no one wants this. Yes, feeling lost is okay but don't let it dominate you. I think it's fine to take your time in being with yourself while working with your therapist. However, humans are born to socialize; we're not programmed to remain isolated from society. I think you should take baby steps into just getting out there...discovering all the possiblities that life has to offer, even if it's just reading a book while enjoying a cup of tea at Starbucks; you don't have to talk to anyone; just enjoy the company of being in the moment - and surrounded by the living. :-) Everytime you take this baby step into reconnecting with society, your punching holes in that cloud of feeling lost. Your life's purpose will find you, so don't focus too much on finding it. It'll come in time. Like others have stated, your mother would have wanted you to take steps in moving forward with your life.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Volunteer (on here) which you're already doing, join support groups, read, take up a hobby, et al.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I know how you feel. Your whole routine disappears...whether it be picking up a book of stamps when you're out, to bring to her, or when you see the favorite thing, such as lifesaver mints, that she always asked for.....even after a few months, you are still programmed to pick up these things, because they were a part of your life. You no longer see the people you used to say "hi" to in her apartment building, you no longer keep the clothes next to your bed so you can get up quickly and head out in the middle of the night, when you get those 2 a.m. calls from a neighbor, or rescue personnel, etc....after awhile, you realize that you are actually free now. You have devoted so much time to her care and her needs, so since you are now free, please listen to the suggestions from others on here: You could do some volunteering, now that you're retired, or even try some painting classes, anything at all that interests you. Give yourself permission to choose anything at all to spend your time on.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I asked this question just about 4 years ago. I had cared for my mom for 6 years and the last couple were hard because dementia had already taken her once and then she passed away and I was lost without my best friend as well as my job. My job was caring for her....who was I? I didn't have ties to the outside world because you pretty much become a home bound person while caregiving and unless people have been through it they do not get the seclusion that you find yourself in. I was also not a spring chick taking on the world with a career....I was in my 50's and trying to find my way again.

Everyone is right in the sense that the first steps are the scariest and hardest to take. But in the long run worth it. Volunteering and doing things that will re-enter you into the friendships and activities that you enjoy and have lost or not been able to grow in the recent past due to caregiving.

I now work for a in-home caregiving company and have expressed desire to help displaced caregivers because of this very thing. Feeling lost and confused is so normal and we all need some direction.

Good luck and the reason that I still post here and read others posts is because its a great website that supported me as a caregiver and now as been a good support during my after care journey.

Let us know if any of our advice helps.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Grieving takes time and everyone is different. Some get over things quickly and some need more time. Grieve as you feel like doing it. But you are going to need some time to grieve your loss.

I can relate to your feeling lost. When all my kids finally grew up and left home I found myself feeling like I had nothing to give since my serving as a mother seemed to be at an end. Then I started enjoying my grandkids.

For 4 years I homeschooled 2 of my grandkids, one from not knowing what a letter is to reading like a champ and showing an exceptional aptitude to math. Then we decided to put them into public school. Again I had that lost, having no worth feeling.

Now I am living with my parents, both of which are on hospice, both have dementia. Dad has kidney trouble and mom has breast cancer that is travelling over her whole body. Now I have worth again. But I know that one day they will both die and again I will find myself with nothing to do. But this time I am keeping other things lined up and just placing some things on hold until my folks are gone and I am again looking for something to do.

This time will pass. I know it does not seem like it now (I clearly remember that from when my 8 year old son died), but it really will become easier to deal with. It will never completely go away, but you will learn to cope and your life will have meaning again. Just hang in there. And keep coming back here to this site. That will help you too. Socializing is essential to healing.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
This question is so hard to answer when u haven't really experienced the same thing. If I had put my life on hold as long as you did, I would take a nice vacation. Find a friend to go with you. There are travel groups too. Make new friends. Me, I live 2hrs from the NJ beaches. I could spend a few days there by myself just enjoying the boardwalk and beach. Volunteering would not be my first choice. You are then taking care of something or someone. Take a break from that having to do all the time. Feeling that you are the only one that can do. Make a list of things you would have liked to do but couldn't. Read. Learn a craft. You worked? So it was work and then Mom. Stand back from it all. Take a deep breath and know that you did good. It's your time now. Visit where u grew up. Stay long enough to feel the place out and see if that is what u want.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
@Peaceoftime - I left you a message but we met at a local church having a "singles potluck" and we've been together 32 years and counting.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I agree with everyone here. Grief is not linear, it's a continuum where some days will be easier than others. It's only been a few weeks, so don't expect too much of yourself now. When I lost my baby sister to a ten year struggle with breast cancer, I tried to do healthy things that nurtured me, such as swimming. Three months after she died I took a 1500 mile road trip to Seattle where I had lots of time to think, listen to music and wail in the car as I drove at night. Crying in the car can be very therapeutic! Don't let grief fester in your body, try to physically move as much as possible.
You're still in a very tender time and may need several months to start feeling better. As has been previously stated, don't make any big decisions so early on.
You've been a generous son (your profile says male) whose identity related to caretaking your mom. You're obviously someone who derives pleasure from caretaking, so when you're feeling better perhaps volunteering at a care home would be rewarding for you.
Definitely seek the help of a therapist or grief group.
Your mom has completed the cycle of life and would not want you to suffer on her behalf.
The best thing you can do in her memory is to live the life you've been given as a person who gave selflessly for 10 years and has nothing to feel guilty about.
Since caretaking comes naturally to you, perhaps think about fostering animals from a rescue facility. They'll provide you with needed companionship and purpose until you can find your way.
Good luck!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
I agree with many of the thoughts here. The first thing I think of is that you should give yourself the time and space to heal. I, too, retired early and cared for mom for 7 years. When she did pass, I felt stunned and unsure what to do with myself. For me, I did not want anything to do with caregiving of any kind. It's been a little over a year and I still haven't "found myself". But I have opened myself up more to options. Be kind to yourself and don't try to rush it. Keep the therapy for someone to sort your thoughts and emotions.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
You said you left work a year ago - could you go back? even part time? - otherwise can you get a new position? - use your talents somehow - have you ever thought of teaching a class on a subject you know - baking, crafting etc
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
RayLin,
That's wonderful and how did you meet him? I'm not comfortable with online dating. I would welcome a companion/life partner.
Donna
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I met my husband 6 months after he became widowed.

His decision was to look for companionship. I am it :)

If you're not in the market for a companion - perhaps joining some senior activity groups would help to fill your days?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Hi Bloom,
My circumstances are similar. I lost my mother in January and although she was in a nursing home, I still took care of her. I visited her every day, shopped for her, took her out to eat quite a bit, we played Scrabble, and we spent a great deal of time together. So, like you, now that she's not here and my full-time job is gone, I spend a lot of time ruminating about her. So I now just talk to her :) openly and it helps me. I also went to counseling every other week and that helped. I am also looking to change where I live. Initially I was consumed with de-cluttering the house. This takes a lot of time and will keep you busy; pictures especially. So, now that the house is in good shape, I explore other places to live, in and out of state. I meet friends for lunch or dinner and I hope to work part-time a few days a week. In summary, I don't want to make any commitments of any kind right now for others as this time is about what we need. I'm sure your life, like mine, was on hold as your mother was a priority. I have no regrets and would do it again. It's time for you now. One of my favorite things is my knitting group because we share our personal stories. I would recommend a group activity. I wish you all the best and your mom was fortunate to have you.
Donna
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Volunteer with animals who will give so much back to you and a reason to go on. My rescued dog, Sadie says to Think about what you CAN do and not what you CAN'T do, just like me. Sadie doesn't walk like a normal dog, but she can do high tens over her head! Bloom, you can do it! The first step is the most difficult. Let us all know how you are doing! Good luck to you!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
I know how you feel. I lost both my parents in the same apartment complex I live in. I have decided to go to Independent and Assisted Living. The Assisted Living is because of my husband but I needed to get out of this community. All I see is death. I am an only child so it is just so hard for me to do anything. Take your time, if you decide to move it can be a different place in another part of your town. That is why I chose what I did because mom and I never went downtown together but once. I am so ready for the change. It cannot come fast enough.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
After I lost my mother when she was age 74.... I was so lost. She was too young (had a massive coronary) and I was living with her at the time. I did not know what to do... Cried all the time. I then decided I was going to try to keep my parent's memory alive. I started doing genealogy. Mom always said she was a "mongrel" when I asked her - I have since found out she was a pedigree - a direct descendant of the Mayflower passengers. It is a wonderful hobby and such a great way to honor your ancestors. I now have over 5,000 names on my family tree. I had no idea what I was doing in the beginning but knew someone had to do it so they wouldn't be forgotten. I know scrapbooking is becoming a thing of the past - but even that would be a great memory keeper - along with photo books. Do a memoir - only you can remember all those great times that you had with your parents as a child. I worked in a nursing home for 17 years and now I do doll shows for the elderly - so if you have a reborn doll that looks like a real baby - you would be a hit! You can't imagine the attention given to the doll!! They love to hold them. I have over 200 dolls that I bring with me..... There are many things you can do. Difficult at first - but you can do it.... Also, I agree with 4teatime - take a little trip somewhere by yourself... even a bus tour.... get out and do something for yourself.... Mom wouldn't want to see you depressed. Best wishes....
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Bloomschool: Our experiences are almost exactly alike, except that I retired 7.5 years ago to care for my Mom and Mom was two months away from her 94th birthday when she passed on March 30 of this year. I completely agree with the answers above. The difference is that I was able to celebrate Mom's life with some of her nieces and nephews who are still in the area (within 500 miles) at her wake, funeral, and repast. There was a lot of "We have to do this again" comments at the repast. I think that approach to celebrating the completion of a loving and giving life, and keeping crazy-busy with my several volunteer activities since has buoyed me. Push yourself out. Go to a rally, connect with a knitting group, join an amateur choir, volunteer with the library or a horse, dog, or cat rescue group. The Girl Scouts need volunteer drivers and chaperones for their overnight activities. Take a First Aid/CPR/AED course -- you will be the one the GS call for all of the overnight events. You will find a wider family in your community, and I find that only the best people volunteer. That is where you will find them.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
I agree with the suggestions to continue grief counseling and a grief support group. It is okay to change therapists to find one that is most helpful to you. And although you will likely be a great volunteer somewhere, I like the suggestion that you do something other than caregiving first, just for yourself, and maybe a change of scenery! If you have the resources and desire to travel, perhaps a trip/tour group would be good. Pamper yourself! You deserve it!!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Bloom, as you can imagine mother and I were frequent flyers at our local hospital. Ah, so many happy memories...

On my first assignment as a volunteer, my route took me past the day surgery ward. I really didn't want to walk down that corridor. The whole episode had been strange - she shouldn't have been there, for one thing, but they didn't have any beds in orthopaedics; and I shouldn't have been there because strictly speaking visitors weren't allowed (no time, quick in-and-out it's supposed to be) but seeing as mother was old and deaf and demented they'd let me in to interpret; plus the last time I'd seen her had been at about twenty to one in the morning as they wheeled her off to have her open fracture set under local anaesthetic...

So one way and another it was all a bit emotional, that ward. Not as bad as the stroke ward might have been...

I digress, again. Anyway, my first volunteering assignment was a bit over a year ago. And I am happier to report that I now only glance at the Day Surgery Unit door as I go past it.

You don't forget. You don't "get over it". You do slowly get better at handling it.

The upside of where you are is that you don't have to do anything right now, this week. The downside is that, when you could go anywhere and do anything, it's the devil's own job to decide what you want.

So don't make any irrevocable decisions until the time has come.

Meanwhile, make as many revocable decisions as you can fit in. Say yes to invitations (you can always change your mind). When you see posters and flyers take down the number and get more information - you're not committed to anything. In small ways, though, do commit to *something* - even if it's only going to the library and helping with a children's literacy project or something (rather you than me, I have to admit - don't know why I thought of that example); otherwise you might find yourself welded to the armchair and unable even to make the phone call that every prisoner has a right to. Use your diary and set yourself dates and times to do things even if they don't involve other people; and try to make yourself do them (don't get too ambitious) but don't either beat yourself up if you can't.

You're looking after yourself, now. Imagine you're your mother, only more compliant and quite a bit younger. What would you want you to do?
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Moving on from grief is healthy. Grieving forever is unhealthy. Volunteering is a great idea for the future when you have moved beyond the grief. To me you do not sound ready to volunteer.

I think you should try something completely new. Go to your community college and take a class. Ceramics for Tea Drinkers? Italian Renaissance Cooking? Astronomy for Knitters? You don't know what you want so you have the luxury of exploring the plethora of options at your community college.

Another good way to start exploring is to go to your library, pick a new section every week, and pick one book to browse through. Perhaps you will find yourself pulled toward one section of the library.

Get out of the house! Take a walk. Get into the healthy habit of daily exercise. Start slow. Build up strength both physical and emotional. I know what it's like to feel lost. Do not give up on yourself because feelings are just feelings and you have control over them!!
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
Bloom -

Let me assure you, you WILL feel better. It is going to take time. My mom has been gone for a little over 8 months, and it's just now that I'm coming out of the "fog" and feeling like I can move forward in my life.

My suggestion is to get involved with a grief support group or a therapist to help you work through your grief. It's the hardest thing we humans have to deal with - grief - and it does really strange things to our thinking and emotions. Also, as mentioned above, volunteering can really help - because you are helping others, as you helped your mom - it will help you feel useful. If you like animals, contact your local animal shelter or rescue and see if you can socialize cats, walk dogs or something similar.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
I don't know what I am looking but generally feeling crushed and bruised by her death. And abandoned by my family, who are all dead, except for dear old sister who didn't care if my mother died or me. I can't imagine I will feel better. The memory is so fresh in my mind.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Volunteering is a great idea! What do you feel passionately about? You could work with children, animals, seniors. Get involved in local politics or your community. Do some research, see what's out there. When I was caring for my dad I needed to get out of the house from time to time so I volunteered at an adult daycare center for people with brain injuries. I loved it.

I hope you find what you're looking for.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
You sound like a wonderful caring person! The thing that comes to my mind is - VOLUNTEER. So many people could benefit from your hands and your heart. Nursing home, school, church, community. the needs are certainly there. You seem to have a wonderful helping personality and helping others again will probably give you that reason to get up and going every day. Bless you!!!!
Helpful Answer (13)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter