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Mom has dementia and incontinence recently moved to ALF, still asks to go home. My 81 year old parents have been together for over 60 years. Mom has moderate to advanced dementia with serious incontinence. Dad was primary caregiver until incontinence got so bad he needed to move her to Assisted care memory facility (1 1/2 months ago). Mom has not fully adjusted and still asks to go home when he visits. He has been able to take her out for a drive, but she resisted going back in when they returned to ALF. The family will be coming to the family home for Thanksgiving and Dad wants to bring Mom home overnight so she doesn't miss out on family traditions. Looking for advice if this is the best approach. My sister and I are worried she will have a set back in her adjustment to living in ALF.

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My mom lived in a nursing home after a stroke brought on Vascular Dementia (she had already moved out of her home to a facility due to panic attacks and was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment).

We used to do holidays at the facility, i.e., bring the party to mom. That way, she could watch the great grandkids and grandkids, have quiet conversations with one person at a time and indicate when she wanted to return to her room (usually after about 2 hours, sometimes less).

Talk to the staff who know her best about what kind of time frame is going to work if you continue to want to take her out of the facility for extended periods.
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My 88 mother lives in a small residential ALF near my home. We brought her to the house yesterday as 3 of her 4 grandchildren were in town. She has what I would consider mild-moderate dementia. She had talked about coming over daily for a week. I picked her up at 10AM and brought her back to the ALF around 6PM. She didn't participate much, but told me she was enjoying herself watching everyone interact. At 10:30 PM I got a frantic call from her, she was in full blown panic attack begging me to come over as she was convinced she was having a heart attack. I drove over and stayed with her until almost 1AM until she fell asleep - the facility staff is so awesome and think they appreciate that I take charge of her during times like this. The change in her routine totally threw her off. Was it too long, 8 hours? Can I still bring her over for a few hours? I no longer know and don't want her to be distressed. Perhaps from now on, best to go to her and bring the celebration there. Dementia can be so cruel.
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My husband and I were trying to decide the same thing about his mother as she has advanced Alzheimer's. We still take her to see her regular primary physician since she is most familiar with her health background. She does get confused when we get back to the nursing home so we asked the staff for their opinion. They felt it would be more confusing for Mom as she will not remember going home for dinner later in the day but will struggle when getting back to the home as she does not remember living there either. We felt it better to let her have dinner with other residents and then went after lunch with a special jello she always loved and spend time with her alone in the dining room while we all enjoyed dessert. We kept it very low key and find that works best. We will do the same thing at Christmas. When she first had to be placed in the home, we thought we were doing the right thing by taking her out for lunch or dinner, but found that it really was just confusing her as it she did not remember that she did not live with us every time. As others mention -think deep down - is taking Mom home for dinner going to make her feel better or you and your family?
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Yes, can you update us? What did you decide to do and how did it work out for you? We all learn from each other...
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We, as a family, were able to take care of mom at home. This allowed mom and dad to stay together until she passed in February of this year. Holidays were stressful for me because as the years passed, I felt that it was too much on my mom. Too many people she didn't remember and too much noise and confusion. She usually had a horrible night after each holiday. I am curious to know what you decided to do and how you made out with this choice. No choice is either right or wrong in my opinion, just a new learning experience.
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Sounds like a wonderful man and love story! Sometimes one parent grieves over the separation of the other and it can cause health issues & worst. The anxiety your mother experience is probably the same with your father. There are an example of true love til death do us part!

I would not deprive them of this precious moment. SUGGESTION: Can you have a caregiver come in to help with incontinence that night and/or can the family members pitch in?

I would check into the ALF maybe a smaller ALF with a family environment would help. Can you take a few items from home to the ALF to make it more like home?
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The hardest thing for us to do as adult children & spouses is to take ourselves out of the equation and deal with reality. Especially if today's situation snuck up on the family. Many people will scale Mt. Everest to get an hour or two of "yesteryear" back, only to discover in the end that it was never possible. It will never be like it used to because it can't.

Trying to get/make my mom participate in holidays last year ruined it for everybody. It was a really special made-for-TV idea that it would be good for her, but it was a nightmare.

This sounds really harsh, but life often is. We have to grow up and embrace that some things we treasured are now past (get over it). We have to do it differently or not do it at all. Trying to force the status quo from the past into today will usually lead to a really bad experience for everyone.

If your gut tells you not to bring mom out, then DON'T DO IT.
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We brought my FIL home once for Christmas after moving him to a NH. The whole time he was there he kept asking if this was the house he raised his family in and where my MIL was (she had passed several years before). He was upset the whole time and very anxious. When my husband and his sister took him back to the facility he relaxed & knew where he was. In the following years we have our Holiday with the family at home and then the facility arranges a room for us to gather with him (his children, son & daughters in law and grandsons. We had a little dessert and a nice visit and he has a smile on his face the whole time.
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My grandma was in a nursing home, her dementia and incontinence hindered bringing her home for any holiday. We had a small separate celebration with her in the facility. We also decorated her room for each holiday so that she didn't miss out on special occasions. I'm sure everyone would like to have her there, but if she is resistant in going back then it's probable more traumatic to bring her home than it would be to celebrate with her there. You can still use your family traditions and enjoy what time you have left with her.
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We are having Thanksgiving dinner at my home. After dinner, we will pack up pies, coffee, decorations, etc. and have dessert with Mom in NH. This worked out quite well last year, as Mom has difficulty swallowing and, is uncomfortable eating a meal with a group.
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Maybe your mom does not have an idea that it is Thanksgiving, and it will be a good reason to explain her absence at the dinner table to dad.
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there is no shame if you cannot bring your mother home for the holidays, but if you do, i pray that all goes well and you will know if it is possible to do it again. if you find out from the NH or ALF that it was super stressful on her, then the next time you might have to figure out another plan. And one thing for sure, no family is the same as the next. some have plenty of help, others don't; some have full time jobs; other's don't; some have room for the extra help; others don't. you do what you need to do and you will know how to handle the next time. the home care expenses comes out of the "patients" pocket, not the tending family, so if they don't have coverage for that or can't get help thru aging assistance office, then you do what you can, if that means they are in a home, so be it. life is not fair and has never been guaranteed that it would be easy. Only you know how your mother is mentally and how she might be affected, so take it from there. times change and the days of old gatherings and happenings are not the same as present times. you do what you can do in the present.
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Hey dvingo, so glad your family is the Brady Bunch and a hallmark card because guess what? Not every body has it that good. There are so many people on this forum that are taking care of parents that abused them mentally/physically, I AM ONE OF THEM!!!! Some people can barely buy groceries and the meds that are needed much less "find home care" which aint' cheap.So I welcome you to step down off your cross anytime, the height of it much be dizzying.
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I say let your mother come home ! ! ! , and can't you find home care for her, so she can live at home? ? My mom will be 93 come February, and us kids take care of her! We look at it like this she took care of us, now its time to care care of her ! ! by the way my dad passed away 32 years ago, she has no one but us kids ! ! ! ! think about that ! ! ! !
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Also, ask the Assisted Living facility, they are very useful in giving you what there take is on your mother, etc. Some of the clients make it very very hard for the next week, and they don't know where home is. The recognize the place, but home is where she is living now, that does not in any way lessen the love by all that love her. do not state "I AM SO SORRY YOU CANNOT COME WITH US TO THANKSGIVING".

I AM SO CONVINCED THAT OUR ASSISTED LIVING FACILITY HAS GUIDED US THE RIGHT WAY EVERY TIME, AND RARELY WITH MEMORY LOSS TO THEY EVER RECOMMEND THAT.

By the way, my mother to this day always states, when will I be going home. re redirect, and talk about how lovely she looks, and the topic is changed. It is about being with family. Turkey, hamburgers, sandwiches, it doesn't matter. It is about being together as a family. Cherish that.!!!! All the best.
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What about going to where she is?

I have found that bringing my mother home, confuses her and causes a week of bitterness towards the assisted living place where she is.

Please note she is in the late stages of alzheimer's and her world is very small.

Therefore, this saturday, we are all going to go to the assisted living facility and they do put on the best of the best. Of course you know this is not the day of Thanksgiving, which does allow family members to come visit.

My history even when my mother first was diagnosed, it was proven that taking her home was nothing but totally confusing.

Just one person's story, and I wish you well on whatever you choose to do.

Every situation is different. Every family is different. Going with your gut feeling.

Happy Thanksgiving!

DH
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Please bring her home. There are few enough holidays left for you to enjoy with your family. If you have to struggle to get her back again, she probably won't remember the next day but on thanksgiving everyone will be happy and those are the memories that you will dwell on for year to come. Having lost my dad in June, even although he was only in care for only 10 weeks, I still regret that I didn't do more to let him see that where he stayed was just nursing care and that home was still home and that his family still loved him.
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It is a very tough decision to make-- I have been ther myself.It all depends on the personality of the one who's has dementia, they go through different stages.
They can be argumentative or very plassad .When it is a struggle getting your parent to go back & causes an argument in my opinion have two dinners one at the home for both your parents.One at home for family.
My mother always would say when can I go home.I would play a game of saying to her Don't you like it here? You have lots of friends & Dad can visit you three times a week.You can play bingo & they have happy hour when Dad & I can visit
with everyone here.She would agree -- only because she was essy going.But even so she had her moments when she was argumentative.You do what you think is best for you & your Mom& Dad.The care giver is the one that gets worn down Take a breath & don't let youself get run down..Your no good for anyone then.Your mom has good care ,she is fine where she is when that special day is gone -- everyone is back to normal.My opinion only .😊
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Well, I just saw ferri's comment, what world is she living in. "Just a temporary setback" that ferris won't have to deal with. "she might be resistant" define resistant ferris, would that be fear, crying screaming all emotions that YOU wouldn't be there to deal with but the family would. How nice of you to tell them how to handle a situation that you won't have to deal with the fallout from.
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123Handsup, we have another winner, another selfpraising cross bearer. Well goody for you honey.All these people have guts, they have it every day they get up and do the same thing over and over and that thing is the right thing everyday holidays or not.If you actually read they posts, these folks are worried about the effect of sudden change will have on their mom,not about themselves.Oh but I guess you missed that which often happens when one starts to pontificate."so what if it sets her back" do you hear yourself.,that is a big deal,their mom is not a yo-yo.Oh these people just want what's easy for them,sounds to me like they are going thru a lot of emotional pain on wanting to do the right thing but I guess you got the one book that has what all the right things are for every family's situation. People come on here for emotional support, ideas,to vent, because their frustrated(you sound a little frustrated) not to get hit over the head by some cross bearing martyr.God help you but that's not all I could say.
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You people are so worried about yourself and what you may have to go threw, it's your parents for God's sake do the right thing either bring her home or have your large dinner with her where she is, she's old she's not dead or in a mind frame that means brain dead. We are all going to be old think about what you would want from your husband, wife or children, your Father has the right to be by his wife at this precious time stop your worrying and just do it, so what if it sets her back, from what you said she has not even adjusted to this major move anyway. People today just want what's easy for them, my Mother of 96 years lives full time with me, every night or at least 6 out of seven she craps herself and yes I have to clean her up, I would have it no other way, yes it's hard but thank God he gave me the guts to stick threw it. She is your Mother she did not put you away when you were difficult, give your Farther his wish and stop trying to change his need for doing the right thing. All of you find a reason to not do something,spend more of your time doing what's right, you will be able to live with it when they are gone. God help them that's all I can say,. we don't do this because it's easy we do it because it's the right thing, please do the right thing for them both, them not you. laugh a lot than cry
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It's a beautiful gesture to bring her home and reunite her with her family and being at home.
It's something that all of you need to discuss first.
A wonderful holiday could become the most memorable one ever, or a complete nightmare.
Everyone here has great suggestions, and you and your family need to talk about it, air all concerns, and then make a group decision.
Happy Holidays!
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I like Veronica's suggestion. Have it at somebody else's house.
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I think if u and your sister can handle her bring her home they have so little time left, My mom was in an AL home and every time I went to visit her she was so mean to me and I was having break downs so I brought her home to take care of her. I have hospice to help I am an only child. My mama had a bad life for most of her life. So u have to do what feels right for u.
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She probably will have a temporary set back, but she will get to visit with family, be in her own home, and family can see her too. Yes, there will be resistance when it is time to return to the ALF, but she can return with memories, before she forgets them and all will be glad to have seen her before her passing.
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I agree with the approach to having two Thanksgivings. Or just one..does the ALZ have a room (conference room or other activity rm not in use on Thanksgiving) that they would allow you to set up and enjoy your precooked thanksgiving dinner there? You can take your own tablecloth, some family China, serving dishes that are memorable to mom and dad and recreate your family holiday there. Bring some games for the children.

This way you will have created a new happy memory at the residence for mom and dad. This will probably be enough excitement for her and then she and dad can return to her unit..the rest of the gang goes back to your house for leftovers or snacks and enjoys the rest of the holiday.

That's how I would handle it. We've got the Same issues with my FIL who is at home but has cognitive and potty limitations which makes travel and lengthy get togethers challenging. We now go a wked early and celebrate the occasion, adult children who can make a day trip as well. A few hrs is all he can stand. Then we have our family holiday separate.

I figure the "holiday" doesn't have to be on the exact date --"it's a holiday whenever the family is together no matter what the day".

Don't stress over this. Offer a practical solution and I'm sure under the circumstances the rest of family will be on board.
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It is an incredibly hard decision to make especially for your dad. Perhaps it would be too confusing for her when she has to go back. It is a double-edged-sword.
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I wouldn't do it. I took moms decorations to ALF and put on the table and in her room so she sees familiar decorations on the actual day. I plan to cook thanksgiving dinner Wednesday and go spend the day w her Thursday at ALF. This way she gets me all day and I get leftovers if u will to come home to. Win win.
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The biggest mistake is having it in her old home. She may or may not remember but she will feel bad when forced to go back and dad's memory of the last Thanksgiving will be of her crying and struggling as you put her back in the car. It "could" work if the celebration was in another relatives home and she realized she was just visiting or if it is still safe to take her out in public to a resturant. If this is to be a large family gathering it is just too much to expect everyone to sit through the ordeal.
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Oh, one more thing I noticed in your post: "My sister and I are worried she will have a set back in her adjustment to living in ALF" along with your mother not wanting to go back after the 'drive' with your dad.

I have to ask, is your dad doing this for your his wife and your mother or is he doing it for himself, i.e., to pretend there will be a Thanksgiving like all the rest?

It's not going to happen.

You also didn't state how many would be at the house, their ages, etc.

I just can't believe that the Assisted Living Facility isn't going to have some sort of Thanksgiving Dinner along with something nice for the 'residents'.

You just need to realize this isn't going to be 'The Notebook', or The Waltons Last Thanksgiving with Mom where she, in a blue silk dress, hair all coiffed, lipstick and makeup, nails done, etc., suddenly realizes who everyone is and comes out of her trance for a moment or two.

Perhaps her last Thanksgiving with the family was last year. It may be nicer to remember how that went instead of trying to make something up that may not happen.

Look, I tried this last year with my mom, I did the whole nine yards, etc., No, she wasn't transferred from nursing home to home, but it still went south. You know what she did? She sat there and ate and ate and ate, without taking a breath, choking on her food, then sneezing (because that's how she does it) asking for tissue after tissue, not looking up, not acknowledging anyone, etc. The 'routine' that dementia patients so need went out the window and it took me at least two/three days to stabilize the 'patient'. At that time, her dementia wasn't all that bad (or I didn't think it was). Please, spare the family. Spare your mom. Keep it simple. She's never remember. It's all for you and your dad. If it's that important for you and your dad, then do it. But it won't be a really good memory or at least I don't think it will.
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