I broke my foot 4 years ago (hard to believe anybody could be so dumb they don't get this figured out for so long!) but the point is, I have to have a very involved surgery to fuse some bones and re-attach the tendons and ligaments that I tore. I think this is a grade 4 break/tear. I will be in a boot for 6-8 weeks and using a scooter to get around.
I will be honest that I am terrified. I went through 16+ months of cancer tx in 2019-2020 and DH did as little as was humanly possible. With cancer, I could still clean, cook and run the show. With this, I will be totally bedridden for 2 weeks and then slowly up, but not weight bearing for 4 weeks.
Our house is a split entry. Stairs everywhere. I sleep downstairs and DH has the master suite. Long backstory, but primarily he chose to have a huge screen TV in the bedroom instead of me, so I moved out 5 years ago.
He SAYS he will step up and do better. I don't trust him AT ALL to care for me. But, really, going into a rehab facility sounds awful. He'd probably be thrilled b/c he could just do nothing and I'll heal without his help.
I made a list of 'to do's'--daily and weekly chores to keep the house running. He looked at this double-columned list and got a little panicky. He cannot cook, vaccum, do laundry, mow lawns---he works at his job and I do all the rest. So even if I am not 'HERE' all this stuff still needs to be done.
I refuse to eat McDonald's twice a day for 6 weeks and I think it's high time he stepped up and helped ME for a change.
I have to make a decision soon, b/c the surgery is on the 22nd. I already know it's going to be super painful, and he will need to get up for a few nights to swap out ice packs. I'm not even sure he can do that.
My foot has hurt terribly for 4 straight years and 3 different docs looked at it and said they couldn't help. I went to an orthopedic surgeon and he did MRI's and X-rays and could show me that I had torn the heck out of my foot. It's nice, in a weird way to KNOW that I am not crazy.
I do NOT want to go into a rehab facility and know if DH will simply step up a little bit, I can be home. But.....the past says not only will he not, he will be angry the whole time.
I'm anxious---PLUS I turn 65 this Friday and I HATE birthdays. (That has nothing to do with this.)
I am married to someone with mental illness.
I have had surgeries, and man, did I hear about all he had to do later. He did my list of chores for one week, then handed it back to me. Had no idea that he needed to start at the top and do them all again. I gave up. It wasn’t worth the hassle. That example was the least awful of all he did.
I would go into a rehab, if I were facing what you’re facing.
My friend went to a gorgeous rehab years ago. It was run by a private religious organization, of which she did not belong. I walked in there, and it smelled like yummy chicken soup.
Maybe you can shop around, and find one that suits your fancy?
Praying for you.
Alternatively, do any of your kids live in a one level home? Could you go there and hire help?
Having read your posts over the years, I think I would look at this as a trial separation...sort of "Independence Day" for you.
You have retirement money saved; this is the time to use it for the best, most restful care possible
Happy birthday in advance!
Unfortunately your husband is not equipped to be a caregiver of any kind, so do yourself(and him) a favor and call the rehab facility today. I hope you also have the appropriate paperwork in place for when you get older, and need any type of care, since you already know that you can't depend on him. It's best to get your ducks in a row now.
I hope and pray that everything goes well with your surgery, and don't be in a hurry to leave rehab and go home. Let them do their job and take good care of you.
I get the temptation to want to come home. It's familiar territory. It's home! But will you be able to keep off that foot while you're re-habbing and the "little things" that need to get done are piling up in front of your eyes? If it were me, I think I would have to err on the side of caution and do the rehab thing. I don't think I could keep off my feet; after all, it's "just folding laundry; just prepping for meals; just a little dusting" etc. I'm sure that I would overdo it at home and end up worse for wear.
Take this time to rehab properly, Mid. If you're going to go through all the pain of an operation, don't make it all in vain because you head home too soon. One wrong step or turn and all that work might end up being for nothing. Even if your husband was a gem and you *could* trust him to seamlessly pick up where you leave off, it's still better to be with the professionals who can walk you through recovery. Let them "teach" you about how to maneuver with that boot and that scooter. Come home once you're confident that you can do it safely and in such a manner that you can heal completely.
I would also think about hiring some help to come in once you're home to give you a hand with things, because I doubt very much if you'll be 100% once rehab discharges you. Do you know if there's any sort of pre-physical therapy you can do to make recovery easier/quicker?
Prayers for a successful surgery and a quick recovery!!
My father got so much support, and frequentlythey even responded to my calls for help, for Dad, and I'm not in the church.
The rehab atmosphere won't be like that at home, but perhaps that's just as well as you won't be bothered by your husband when he wants attention (I'm not being snide or cruel, just remembering the threads and posts in which you describe his reactions and lack of cooperation).
Wouldn't it be nice to have breakfast in bed?
My next door neighbor fed me, body and soul for 18 months. 3 meals a week and desserts and treats. She knew that DH just..can't. She'd do it again.
I have 2 daughters who have said "Just come stay with us" and I very well might do that. Already the 3 daughters living here have each chosen a day to come clean and prep meals. That's a possibility.
Mostly my concerns are that DH will accept travel assignments and leave me alone (but in that case, I'd have the teen granddaughters down!) or that he will ignore my needs during the night and sleep through everything.
I need to check into whether I even qualify for rehab. I may not. DH was in the hospital recently (April) and they never figured out what was wrong, sent him home sick and I have been caring for him since. Rehab was BEGGED FOR by me, and laughed off, b/c I look healthy and strong.
I see my ankle/foor surgeon next week and we will talk, seriously about this.
And thank you for the thought about practicing' on the scooter. My granddaughter got a random bunch of Durable Medical Equipment for her 8th birthday, and a scooter is one of the things she got. She will let me borrow it :) (Yea,. she's a weirdo). I also have to practice crutches--ugh.
Thanks for just being there, listenting. I will be honest that I am TERRIFIED as this foot has hurt for 4 years. FOUR. YEARS. And my dh has teased me about walking funny and walking slowly for that whole length of time.
I am praying, desperately, that this surgery fixes it all and I can leave his sorry butt in the dust.
You guys are the best!
In the Rebab vs Home debate.. hmm
Medical care but no familiarity vs Familiarity but no medical care.
For the bedridden stage sounds like Rehab will win, but once safely able to do stairs Home may be ok IF you can get everything delivered & provided (meal delivery, housekeeping, in-home physio). Maybe by collecting your team, this could be a trial of sorts to use if either of you is out of action in the future?
It sounds like a lot of work... so it depends which is the lesser evil for you.. Rehab: fitting in & putting up vs Home: but not as you want it.
Which scenario would be more restorative?
An Irish quote;
"You are not as young as you used to be but not as old as you are going to be".
I am sorry that I can"t tell you that your husband will help you, but the first 3 to 4 weeks after surgery of this kind are of extreme importance. Since you can very well speak for yourself, you should do OK in rehab. Choose carefully which one to go to though.
BTW yesterday I reached the age of 2,114,467,200 seconds and each day adds another 86,400 seconds. You are not suddenly a year older but 86,400 seconds, 1,440 minutes, 24 hours, or 1 day older.
"he chose to have a huge screen TV in the bedroom instead of me, so I moved out 5 years ago." Sorry, I had to laugh at this. 😁
Seems you have one spoiled husband. Mine does everything you mentioned but cook. He claims he can, just lets me do it.😊
You can hire someone to clean and mow the lawn. Really, how dirty can 2 people be? Take out?
I live in a 4 floor split level so I know where u are coming from.
You've had 45 years to know what to expect from your DH. You can trust him from his past behavior over 4+ decades.
Good luck & happy birthday.
Chronic, severe pain just wears you out. I'm exhausted. ANd worried about the anesthesia, so I need to talk to DIL who is an anes. doc and maybe she can give my some pointers of what drugs to refuse and what to accept so I don't go into my usual post anesthesia funk.
Sure doesn't help it's been over 100 degrees for weeks now.
Thanks for asking!
(((((Hugs))))))
I actually will not know who my anes. dr is until the actual day of surgery. My DH has a list of ?? for them, b/c this time I am NOT taking any prednisone and I need something for the nausea. I always forget to say anything and wind up jumpy as a cat on prednisone.
Just need this to be over. I'vd had horrible reactions (long term) to anesthesia--the older I get the worse it gets.
Good idea on talking to your DIL!
I’m glad to hear that you’re taking care of you.
Your cheerleaders are hear with ya!
Captain Remote Control will enjoy his, too, I'm sure. <sarcasm>
My mom was in a rehab facility twice, and my SIL was just in after her terrible fall, right during COVID. They never had the issues you described in your post! Rehab was a blessing to both of them.
And really, check into a hotel with room service? I truly hope that was tongue-in-cheek, and not medical advice for someone about to undergo a major surgery and recovery process...
I have one of those guys like your DH at home, too. I blame his Mom for spoiling him. But maybe I really shouldn't blame her, maybe it is the old country culture.
I was actually told by my dr. when we were discussing potential knee replacement that he does not want a patient to go to rehab facility. The incidents of infection and other complications are higher in a facility than at home.
You deserve it...hire a caregiver for yourself!!!!!
oh..Happy Birthday to you...Happy Birthday to you....Happy Birthday to youoooooo. 🎈🎈🎈🎈🎁🎁🍰
You belong in a zoo...
Oh wait, sounds like you're already in one!!!!
Go to the rehab facility and be a model patient. Do as you're told post-op, do your exercises, grin and bear any reasonable level of discomfort, communicate properly with the staff, take a good book and some good noise-excluding headphones for your down-time. In 28 days max you will be home again pretty much fit for light duties; and your husband will not have had an irresistible opportunity to let you down AGAIN.
Or, you can set him up to fail and trust him to "step up." In a pig's eye he will.
You do already know all this, I'm not sure it even needs typing out.
I agree with hiring someone to come into the home because of potential for cdiff in a rehab facility. What he did/didn't do when you had cancer was just beyond awful.
Once the boot comes off, I start doing small movements and work up to full walking. My next door neighbor is a physical therapist and will work with me.