Foot Surgery in the future--do I come home and trust DH to step it up or do I find a rehab facility?
I broke my foot 4 years ago (hard to believe anybody could be so dumb they don't get this figured out for so long!) but the point is, I have to have a very involved surgery to fuse some bones and re-attach the tendons and ligaments that I tore. I think this is a grade 4 break/tear. I will be in a boot for 6-8 weeks and using a scooter to get around.
I will be honest that I am terrified. I went through 16+ months of cancer tx in 2019-2020 and DH did as little as was humanly possible. With cancer, I could still clean, cook and run the show. With this, I will be totally bedridden for 2 weeks and then slowly up, but not weight bearing for 4 weeks.
Our house is a split entry. Stairs everywhere. I sleep downstairs and DH has the master suite. Long backstory, but primarily he chose to have a huge screen TV in the bedroom instead of me, so I moved out 5 years ago.
He SAYS he will step up and do better. I don't trust him AT ALL to care for me. But, really, going into a rehab facility sounds awful. He'd probably be thrilled b/c he could just do nothing and I'll heal without his help.
I made a list of 'to do's'--daily and weekly chores to keep the house running. He looked at this double-columned list and got a little panicky. He cannot cook, vaccum, do laundry, mow lawns---he works at his job and I do all the rest. So even if I am not 'HERE' all this stuff still needs to be done.
I refuse to eat McDonald's twice a day for 6 weeks and I think it's high time he stepped up and helped ME for a change.
I have to make a decision soon, b/c the surgery is on the 22nd. I already know it's going to be super painful, and he will need to get up for a few nights to swap out ice packs. I'm not even sure he can do that.
My foot has hurt terribly for 4 straight years and 3 different docs looked at it and said they couldn't help. I went to an orthopedic surgeon and he did MRI's and X-rays and could show me that I had torn the heck out of my foot. It's nice, in a weird way to KNOW that I am not crazy.
I do NOT want to go into a rehab facility and know if DH will simply step up a little bit, I can be home. But.....the past says not only will he not, he will be angry the whole time.
I'm anxious---PLUS I turn 65 this Friday and I HATE birthdays. (That has nothing to do with this.)
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You probably familiar with my situation too…I’m still taking care of my 94 year old mother with dementia at home. She was very agitated about a couple months ago & refusing meds …but I somehow got her back on track & manageable.
My Dad did so much to help my mother with the house..he cleaned, did hard work in the house, painted & plastered, did all electrical work (he was Electrician). He also cut grass & pulled weeds. My mother & I took care of him when he got sick. He was hoping he’d recover & go back to work! My Mother always cooked him supper & did laundry. My Dad also snored very loud & my mother would give him a nudge & he’d stop for a while… but she never kicked him out of the bedroom or sleep in another room.
So, not all men are lazy & do nothings in the house. I believe it’s too late to retrain hubby.
Good luck with your rehab, Midkid! HUGS 🤗
He is what he is. I babies him over so many illnesses and traumas you would not believe me if I told you. And he grew to expect it---but he has no real clue as to what I want/need. I've found I have to SAY what I need and be a little pushy (he'd call it being 'bitchy' but he doesn't KNOW from 'bitchy'.)
He's getting it. So many neighbors have come over to offer help and I am accepting it right and left. He keeps saying "I can do this"--but since he cannot mow the small lawn we have and not have to go take a nap afterwards, no, he clearly cannot.
I think this may be a really great wake up call to him. He's retiring in Feb and I told him I was NOT going to spend my days babysitting him. He had to find things to do and places to go. We're going to move to a home/condo with as few stairs as possible. He DOES NOT want to do this, but our garage houses HIS car and I have to schlep groceries from my car parked on the side of the garage to the house.
In fairness to him, I have waited on him hand and foot and created this 'monster' because I thought that's what wives DID. He is truly a dinosaur, in this regard.
And yes---he is definitely 'on the spectrum' of autism. There was no word for that in 1975!
I know you do all the work and it seems crazy for me to suggest you do more, but frankly, you can, and he can't. So, again, if he's like my partner, he's lost in a world he CANNOT understand, can't fully navigate, because he lacks the neurological ability to do so. So he stays with what he can manage - cars and TV for your fella, science and opera and tennis for mine.
I was shocked the other day, yet again, to discover how literal my partner is. I was telling him something a bit gossipy (he seems to like these things - helps him study people, I think.) I told him the neighbor said "My ex is in the hospital and won't be coming out. He's just decided to give up on life and drink himself to death." I was a bit distressed that she said this in front of her 12 year old daughter. My partner looked confused, and was stuck. He interpreted it literally. "He JUST decided to drink himself to death and is already in the hospital? Surely he must have been drinking for some time." He's all about exactitude, which seems like argumentativeness or dismissiveness in almost every day-to- day interaction. "We're out of bread. Can you pick some up while you're at the store?" / "How can you say that? There's two pieces right there." And something that makes me sad - when he goes to the store, he only ever buys what he wants to eat - chocolate soy milk, dark chocolate, and these days, roasted turkey breast, cherries and watermelon. No room in the fridge for anything else.
But he's a gentle patient man, tolerant of me, considerate and friendly with my elderly mum, and he loves being a grandparent to my/our grandchildren.
So I hope you feel the understanding. And I hope you put a bit of work (sorry!) into explaining to your husband what you need him to do. Be literal - not "I need you to take care of me" but "I'd like you to:
-Make and bring me 2 pieces of toast and one soft boiled egg every morning till I've recovered
-Move your car so I can use the garage. Buy a car tent to protect your car outside.
- Hug me twice a day
-Ask me in the morning, at lunch, and after supper if there's anything I need you to do."
I'm not sure if this is exactly right for your situation, but if he's like my fellow, he's a bit of a 'Prince in Waiting.' A very disabled prince, but one with a good heart.
unbelievable what jerks some women stay with !!!!
Only then did it dawn on him I needed REAL HELP. Within 2 days he was over helping me. He paid production assistants to bring me food, ice, take me to post-op appointments, and later on physical therapy. On Day 14 when I could finally shower if he were to help wrap my feet in plastic bags and physically help me into the shower. When I asked for him to help, he said he was too tired and let’s do it tomorrow. I started sobbing and then wailing that I hadn’t showered in 2 weeks (a sponge bath is just not the same thing as sitting under hot running water). I physically needed him to help me over the 6 inch shower lip so I did not risk falling and I didn’t have anyone other than him to help me (no family near). He looked embarrassed and ashamed he had said no and immediately said of course he would help me—please stop crying. Other than helping me get into a periodic shower, he never did anything else to help me during the post-surgical time. He used production assistants—not nurses or nursing aides.
I have never again asked him or expected him to help me when I have needed a medical procedure. I have flown in my mother, a sister and even a brother has come to help me.
I have also paid to be in a post-surgical rehab facility. That way I knew I would be cared for and would not be at the mercy of someone, though he loves me, he does not have the capacity to physically care for me when I have been in medical need.
Do not rely on your husband. It is beyond him…
Get all the extra padding for your crutches, your pits and hands will thank you. Maybe get some knee pads too because you might just find that sometimes it's easier to crawl.
We can't have a wheelchair--doors are too narrow. I am getting crutches for the trips to the bathroom. I mentioned 'commode' and DH paled and said "I will carry you to the bathroom" rather than have a bedside commode.
My daughters are putting their collective heads together and I think they will be my best go to. One lives in CA and I expect I will see her for a week or so. She can work from here and be here to help me. Daughters are the BEST!
All the rehab places require the drs orders, but he's been out of town--and I don't think he'd be a fan of one anyway. Rehab is for REHABBING and not lying still with your leg elevated. By the time I can gently put some weight on the foot (2 weeks- approximately) I should be able to scoot about and keep busy. I just pray for phenomenally fast healing!!
In reality, this has hurt so badly for so LONG. I wake up every single night in pain & have to take a pain pill or Ibuprofen and then ice my foot. 4 years of doing this--I am crazy stupid for not pushing this harder, but stuff happened.
Thank you for birthday wishes. 65 feels just like 64. But now DH can ramble on about retirement and I won't panic that he'll leave me without insurance!
Happy Birthday tomorrow! 💚🧡
Dh is being much more 'into' this than I thought he would be. I'm sure a HUGE part of that is I did rip him to pieces after I cleared cancer as he had been such an enormous jerk. He knew he had been. I told him this was his chance to redeem himself. He knows.
I had not thought of having a 'roomie'. OMGosh---that would be awful. Maybe I'm a princess, but I need quiet and my space!
Went to play last night with my middle daughter who is super efficient and wonderful. She said "Mom, you don't need to worry about ANYTHING. We girls have got you. Let US serve YOU for once." (yeah, I have done a lot for my girls over the years--) So they are percolating some schemes amongst them. IF DH just 'can't' I will go to this daughter's home. She has an extra bedroom and 2 teen daughters who can help. One daughter has small kids, but can come with meals. And actually, her youngest, Calvin, is a hoot and very fun company.
I'm going to use crutches to ambulate into the bathroom. Then a scooter upstairs and one downstairs. My dearest friend told me she just 'bum bumped' down the stairs--she broke her ankle a couple of months ago.
I haven't found a rehab place yet that I would be able to stand for 2 weeks. And all of them, so far, are still masked. That alone makes the decision easier that I will come home.
I'm having a cleaning company come before I have surgery. DH can do the daily stuff and the girls will be here 3xs a week.
Like I said before--I will be doing NO PT for 6 weeks. I'll still do upper body weights and some lower body leg lifts and such, but no treadmill, etc.
Such great ideas and thoughts! You guys are the best. I know I am over anxious about this---but the pain is neverending and non stop and it's really depressed me.
Surgery is the 22nd. I can't wait. Praying fervently for a complete heal!
I'm still going to look into rehab--we'll see.
She had good therapists and skilled nurses. She had a lovely, single patient room, good food, activities galore and made lasting friendships.
She did not want to go in the beginning and she struggled against it hard but her friends, who had done it themselves, pushed her to do it and so did her family.
good luck!
You also need to round up some equipment for your house until you are getting around a little. A bedside toilet. A wheelchair at first. Maybe a walker for later. Fill your nightstand with water and a few snacks, magazines, crossword puzzles - whatever will bide the time. Get your phone charger, laptop or other similar items located close to the bed. Try to get bedroom arranged now. Maybe even a hospital type food tray would help. All those things can be rented or purchased.
As for the house. Line up someone to come in every day to do some of the chores, prepare some meals. Or do some frozen meal prep now that can be popped in the oven later. The doctor can order you a nurse to come in and some physical therapist. Get it lined up prior to the surgery. (65 means you probably have medicare)
If you have any friends or family close, call now and ask for help. There is no point in expecting much out of hubby if you already have such doubts. Don't rely on him just to get yourself mad or him. No point.
If you were going to be totally out of it, I would hesitate about the rehab. Since you should be aware of surroundings and can voice your requests to staff, you really need to consider letting others wait on you in the beginning. Best of luck in getting all this lined up ahead of time and wish you a speedy recovery. Don't dwell on what you already know is a non-supportive mate - you'll only get angrier. No point. You're with him for a reason - whatever that is. He's just not the caregiver type.
Several others mentioned this lack of "help" as well. In another posting, I mentioned my "journey" - blown disc and misalignment of cervical spine. FIVE years of "specialists" telling me this wasn't causing my pain. There were some who just dismissed me, others saying it was rotator cuff tendonitis! Finally a spinal surgeon looked at the images I brought, never talked to any doc I'd seen and pointed right to the spot and said this is your problem! No, say it isn't so! Now, what do we do with that?
It still took him another year before he would do the surgery - many prefer to keep their "success" numbers up and he wanted to be sure I'd have success. Initially he said 50-50... Well, 50% better is WAY better than the pain I was in every day!!!
As for rehab vs home... sounds like counting on hubs is like counting sheep, they aren't real! But, you've also said there are several options - the community and your daughters. Since the place doesn't really get dirty (although there will be dishes, etc since you and he will need to eat), there isn't much needed there. One thing I would likely do is prepare meals that can be frozen ahead of time, so that it would only take a few minutes in the microwave.
Ice packs - do you have a good cooler or a mini-fridge that you could keep in your room? It would need to be replenished, but would suffice for the middle of the night? Mini fridge would be ideal as you could keep cold water and other beverages there, within reach. Porta-potty for you?
Myself, having spent almost a month in the hospital, I would much rather be in my own space, setting up what is needed ahead of time. There's no place like home! When they finally let me go home (still on IV antibiotics and PICC line, no food or drinks), they set me up with delivery of feed and meds along with nursing to take blood, clean PICC line and set up feed bag (vitamins get added just prior to use.) They weren't there all day, only long enough to do their thing. I should think they could set you up with something - it would cost insurance a lot less than rehab AND you get to be in your own home.
I had to sometimes come up with alternatives for my "treatments." The antibiotics were 4x/day and could take 30-60 minutes to finish. I kept them downstairs, although my BR was upstairs. Since it was every 6 hours, there was no way to avoid a very late night/early morning treatment. I'd just set up the pump, put blankets and a pillow on the rug and laid down - I WAS exhausted, so I'd sleep while the pump worked and it would wake me when the alarm went off.
I even went home the next day after spinal surgery! Both times (yes, the next 2 on either side of that one went south on me about 5 years later.)
If you check out the rehab they plan to send you to, if that's the plan, and find it okay, maybe, but I'd much rather be in my own space! It's all up to you really.
A few days before being discharged from rehab hire a cleaning service to clean house for you.
When you get home hire take out meals delivery until you are able to get about and prepare meals. Dad's ins provided meals for a week after he was discharged home.
Good luck, heal soon and happy birthday.
Once the boot comes off, I start doing small movements and work up to full walking. My next door neighbor is a physical therapist and will work with me.
I agree with hiring someone to come into the home because of potential for cdiff in a rehab facility. What he did/didn't do when you had cancer was just beyond awful.
Go to the rehab facility and be a model patient. Do as you're told post-op, do your exercises, grin and bear any reasonable level of discomfort, communicate properly with the staff, take a good book and some good noise-excluding headphones for your down-time. In 28 days max you will be home again pretty much fit for light duties; and your husband will not have had an irresistible opportunity to let you down AGAIN.
Or, you can set him up to fail and trust him to "step up." In a pig's eye he will.
You do already know all this, I'm not sure it even needs typing out.
I was actually told by my dr. when we were discussing potential knee replacement that he does not want a patient to go to rehab facility. The incidents of infection and other complications are higher in a facility than at home.
You deserve it...hire a caregiver for yourself!!!!!
oh..Happy Birthday to you...Happy Birthday to you....Happy Birthday to youoooooo. 🎈🎈🎈🎈🎁🎁🍰
You belong in a zoo...
Oh wait, sounds like you're already in one!!!!
I have one of those guys like your DH at home, too. I blame his Mom for spoiling him. But maybe I really shouldn't blame her, maybe it is the old country culture.
My mom was in a rehab facility twice, and my SIL was just in after her terrible fall, right during COVID. They never had the issues you described in your post! Rehab was a blessing to both of them.
And really, check into a hotel with room service? I truly hope that was tongue-in-cheek, and not medical advice for someone about to undergo a major surgery and recovery process...
Captain Remote Control will enjoy his, too, I'm sure. <sarcasm>
Good idea on talking to your DIL!
I’m glad to hear that you’re taking care of you.
Your cheerleaders are hear with ya!
(((((Hugs))))))
I actually will not know who my anes. dr is until the actual day of surgery. My DH has a list of ?? for them, b/c this time I am NOT taking any prednisone and I need something for the nausea. I always forget to say anything and wind up jumpy as a cat on prednisone.
Just need this to be over. I'vd had horrible reactions (long term) to anesthesia--the older I get the worse it gets.
Chronic, severe pain just wears you out. I'm exhausted. ANd worried about the anesthesia, so I need to talk to DIL who is an anes. doc and maybe she can give my some pointers of what drugs to refuse and what to accept so I don't go into my usual post anesthesia funk.
Sure doesn't help it's been over 100 degrees for weeks now.
Thanks for asking!
You've had 45 years to know what to expect from your DH. You can trust him from his past behavior over 4+ decades.
Good luck & happy birthday.