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Hello, a while back I was on here and I wrote in that my 95 year old MIL came to live with us after breaking her hip. She has recovered and now we have a new issue... temper tantrums - or my husband refers to them as going on strike...I will briefly explain what happened, which appears to be a cycle.



So we discovered she likes these chocolate rice cakes we recently bought. She asked my husband for one and he put it on her TV tray. By the time she got to the TV tray, our new puppy beat her to it. (MIL is very slow and puppy is lightning fast lol.) Yes, that's bad and yes, my little Lola got scolded, but it's not the end of the world right? We had plenty of rice cakes. Well, that sent her off into a tantrum about how we don't respect her, we respect the dogs more, how my husband ruined her life (by making her come live with us), and she went on and on about what all he/we do. Then she went to bed at about 5:00 and stayed in there until the next afternoon and during this time, she refuses food. Then when she's finished, she acts as if nothing ever happened, that she did not hurl a bunch of insults at us.



When she has these tantrums, she doesn't eat, and as a result, makes herself feel dizzy. Next thing my husband is in there, spoon feeding her something and babying her. One time she suckered me and I babied her too. I felt bad and after all, my logical side knows she's 95. Of course after the babying, she miraculously felt fine. Maybe she is jealous of our dogs because they do get a lot of love.



Well, it's starting to get to me! Like right now she and my husband are watching TV and she's acting like nothing happened. Just last night she was hurling insults at us and complaining. And just for the record, my husband has 4 sisters who do not help at all and she knows this. We have a nice house and she has her own room with a private bathroom. We always treat her with kindness and respect.



He thinks we should just let her have her tantrum and let her be. He doesn't even want to argue back or say anything - although out of anger, he did tell her to call one of her daughters to come pick her up if she was so miserable at our house, knowing that would never happen. It also hurts my feelings that she does this because we have tried very hard to make her happy and comfortable here.



I don't know what to do about all this. I'm finding that I don't really enjoy being around her. I would never, ever be mean to her, but I don't exactly want to sit down and watch TV with her either. Then I feel guilty!



She does not have alzheimer's or dementia. It's just the way she is. She is also a VERY big gossip and not only does she gossip, but she changes the "news" and repeats it wrong to other people. This of course gets everyone in the family upset. That's not an old age thing though, that's her personality.



Is this normal behavior from someone her age? I can see why none of her daughters want to deal with her, but the problem is the one person (her son) who has cared for her the last 25 years, she acts awful to him. (She came here from another country about 25 years ago and he has been the one to do everything for her in that time.) She is very unappreciative of everything. She's the type who doesn't like any gift you give her.

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This isn't a MIL problem. She is simply there making use of people who are willing to take her into their home. First one daughter. Now the son.
This is a problem of you and your husband. You need now to sit together and decide what you want your relationship to be. Is this a marriage of the two of you, or is this three? Are there no boundaries set in which you and your husband have privacy or expectations of same?
You and hubby should likely see a counselor together to come up with the expectations. At this rate of living off the family one at a time MIL will outlast every one of you.
I myself would be gone already, into my own apartment. I cannot imagine what led you and your husband to invite this woman into your lives, but were I to be told by her that I loved the puppy better I would instantly tell her "Oh, you BETCHA".
You asked your MIL to live with you. And now there she is.
You apparently set no limits on this.
She gets mail there. She is a tenant whether she pays rent or not.
This is where she lives.
Now it is up to you and husband to get together and discuss your own expectations for your home, your marriage, your lives together. If he were to say MIL stays, then I would be gone. Division of assets could begin tomorrow.
Up to you. Your choice for your life. You have already made a whole LOT of decisions with very little thought or planning, and you just told us where THAT has got you. So time to do it differently now.
If you wish to. For myself I would already have my bags packs and the Lyft called.
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PenelopePitstop Jun 2022
LOL, well, it's not worth leaving my husband over. But, I will say this, he goes out of town a lot for work leaving me with her. I told him that's going to stop. I'm helping him with her a lot already, but I am not her sole care giver.

I think we just felt like it was the right thing to do. Up until she broke her hip, she had her own apartment, but there is no way she could live on her own. She can go to the bathroom herself, get a drink of water, grab some snacks that are finger foods - no actual food preparation, and that's about it. We didn't know what else to do with her. Even though she is unpleasant, nothing is wrong with her mind, considering... we think an assisted living place would kill her for sure. That's the other thing, I know this is morbid, but it can't be for much longer - she's 95!
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Unless she’s been evaluated by a specialist trained in diagnosis of geriatric behavior/cognition, it may be unfair to both you and her to assume that “She does not have (sic) or dementia, because the behaviors you are observing are certainly well within the dementia umbrella.

You have indicated that what you have been doing when dealing with her current pattern has made you uncomfortable, so it may be a good time to try something else.

Find a specialist, may be a psychiatrist, psychologist, neurologist with geriatric training, and find out more precisely what you are dealing with.

She may benefit from a mild dose of medication, some different management techniques or some other specific recommendations from the specialist.

You will lose nothing by finding out more about what is causing this and you may be relieved of your own reservations about whether you’re doing the best for her, or not.

How she “acts” or what she says, are really not huge issues, if you realize that at her age, her “filters” are probably weakening. You can battle with her, but don’t expect a positive reaction.
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PenelopePitstop Jun 2022
Thank you. I suppose she could be depressed because when she broke her hip, we basically cleaned out her apartment and honestly, most of it was just junk. This sounds bad, but it got thrown out or went to Goodwill. That's another thing they fight about (more so with him than me). She'll remember an old crusty pair of shoes and then get mad and pick an argument with him, next thing she's in her room again at 4:30 for the night. I told him he should have never told her he threw out all that stuff. She had furniture so junky that Goodwill didn't even want it! But, it was HER stuff I guess and she's mad about it. Other than these temper tantrums, she seems to be normal. I mean normal for herself. I think part of it is she simply doesn't have the best personality. She's not the sweet little old lady she shows to the outside world.
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No is not a four letter word. Seems like a lot of other people in her orbit/family are ok using it. Talk to them and get some tips about what they did they do to remove themselves from her behavior.
If your best friend wrote this, what would you think?
You already know her behavior is wrong, given the logical questions you're posting. Time to step back, take care of yourselves and not be part of her toxic drama.
Why on earth is it ok for her to treat you like this? It is not normal or nice, no need to be a part of it anymore.
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PenelopePitstop Jun 2022
I know you are right. His excuse is "she is 95 years old. She's not going to change." Toxic drama is a good way to put it. :(
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This is a simplistic answer to what is probably a much more complex situation, but here goes:

She has a self-contained bedroom and bathroom. Next time she has the tantrum, stand her up, one of you on each side, and march her into her bedroom. Say that you will come when she calms down and stops the behavior. Just leave her there. Spill proof water bottle and a packet of biscuits, if you are really worried about her going hungry and thirsty.

If you reckon she will come straight out, put a cup hook on the outside of her door, up high. Tell her to knock when she’s ready. You might add when she provides an apology, but that might be pushing it.

Even trying it once might give you some information about how intentional all this is.
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PenelopePitstop Jun 2022
She goes into her room on her own when she throws the tantrums. Your post made me laugh because that's what she takes with her - water and cookies and biscuits! LOL To be honest, when she was in her room, I didn't mind at all. My husband and I had an enjoyable evening actually. We made chocolate martinis and sat on the patio then watched a movie. It was really nice.
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Since it's so dreadful living in your home with all you do for MIL, where would she like to move to the next time she chooses to have a meltdown? Gather up a bunch of brochures for Assisted Living Facilities and allow HER to choose which one she'd like DH to help her move into. She's obviously not happy living with you, so it's time to change her residence and give her her own apartment where she'll have autonomy and no audience to listen to her childish rants.

Hubby needs to stop coddling her immediately, and send her off to her room like a toddler the next time she has a tantrum, like Margaret said, with a water bottle and a pack of cookies, and let her alone to calm down. While you get busy with compiling the brochures for Assisted Living Facilities.

You're being held hostage in your own home by a geriatric baby who wants everything to be Her Way or the Highway. It's time to show her the front door.
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PenelopePitstop Jun 2022
The kicker is that one of his sisters, who lives only a few miles from us, works at a nursing home. She is a cleaning lady. Nothing wrong with that, but she knows nothing of the business and she told my MIL that "her" assisted living place is very nice with all rich people that live there and that the government pays for everything! You and I know that's not true, but my SIL is not the brightest bulb and my MIL believes anything that is told to her.

And yes, my husband has told her to call her daughter to come get her, but well, she's still here... Since she has moved in with us, only her grand children have come to visit her, but none of her other children. It's really sad.
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She definitely wants to be babied. Spoon-feeding? Really?

She isn't throwing a tantrum, she is is being manipulative. She thinks her locking herself in her room is punishing you. Then she pulls the "I won't eat and then they'll be sorry!" tactic. And she knows this will get her the babying and attention she wants. She isn't going to stop this behavior because it's working out great for her!

She wants to be in charge because she is the Mother. Doesn't matter how old her son is. Doesn't matter if it's your house. Doesn't matter if son is married. If she is not given the 24/7 love and attention she feels she is owed, she will keep pulling these stunts.

Next time she pulls her "I won't eat" BS, tell her you will call 911 any time she is dizzy or weak. And actually follow through on it. It may take just one ER visit to change her tune!

Remind her that if she feels so unloved and neglected in your home, that she has options: assisted living or one of the daughters.

But since the daughters want little to do with her, I'm thinking she sees her son as the Golden Boy. She has narcissistic traits of wanting everything to be all about her, all the time. Such mothers tend to dote on their sons and be more harsh on their daughters. These mothers see their daughters as competition. Then they can't understand why their daughters don't fall all over themselves to take care of mother in her old age.

I think you are more aggravated about this situation than you're letting on. I would be going nuts! Unfortunately your husband keeps playing into her manipulation and it doesn't sound like this will stop.
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overwhelmed21 Jun 2022
Excellent answer LoopyLoo! Penelope, when I read your question, my initial reaction was that my MIL had cloned herself!

My MIL has pulled these stunts every single time she comes to our home for extended visits (thankfully does not live with us). My husband and I stand firm in presenting a united front, just as we did when our children were small and threw tantrums. She doesn't want to eat "that slop"? Fine, make yourself a sandwich. Don't want to drink anything? Fine, when you become dehydrated you'll have to go to the ER (this one really gets her because she would have to spend money - granted, not a large sum, but the woman is beyond cheap!)

Old age, and not being diagnosed with dementia, etc., does not give my 97 year old MIL the right to rule my home. Your MIL should not be allowed the rule your home, either. Best wishes to you. It's not easy walking this balance beam, is it?!
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This 95 year old lady, even without an official diagnosis of dementia, won't have an anatomically normal brain anymore. If they would perform a brain scan or MRI now, they will find with almost certainty, signs of cortical atrophy. Probably a dilatation of the ventricles and micro-infarcts. Who knows, perhaps a full brain infarct too. I think, a CAT scan or a MRI of the brain should be performed. Also a consultation with a neuro-psychologist. Her childish temper-trantum shouldn't be ignored. It could be the remanent of a life-long nasty personality disorder, or the start of a vascular dementia (more likely). Contact her PCP for the appropriate referrals to specialists.
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Chocolate is very bad for dogs.

Rice cakes are a questionable treat. But to each their own.

Mother in laws should not be babied after throwing a temper tantrum. It doesn't matter how old they are. It only encourages more of said behavior.

Did she ever get her chocolate rice cake?
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PenelopePitstop Jun 2022
The dog didn't eat it either! He was able to take it away, but MIL was already PO'd by then. LOL

But you know, that is another issue... one time they got into it because she eats these calcium chews like candy and discarding the wrappers on our floor (who does that?!?) and naturally the dogs would get them. First of all, we didn't want her throwing trash on the floor and more importantly, we don't want our dogs to get poisoned by her weird foods and vitamins! So, my husband confronted her about not doing that and sure enough, it caused her to go on another hunger strike.
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My mother (dementia) used refusal to eat and drink as a weapon. I was very fortunate that she wrote a letter explaining how, because today was going to be her last day alive, she wanted to express her good-byes to people. Waited until I had the letter in my hand and she was quite dehydrated. EMS, assessment, danger to herself, unsafe discharge, now (2nd placement) in an awesome facility.

Incidentally, she became angry while hospitalized. They spoon-fed her. Gave IV fluids. She refused to do anything for herself. Wouldn’t even roll over in bed. Until they moved her to palliative/hospice. Then she started talking, eating and drinking. Even walked a bit. She lost most of her strength, mobility and skills. Her own worst enemy.
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PenelopePitstop Jun 2022
"Her own worst enemy" is what my husband said about her. I just don't get why she's doing this. She could be living her last years (how much longer?!?) comfortably and happy, but SHE'S choosing to cause all this drama.

But to be honest, one thought I had was I didn't want her to starve herself because if she withered away and then passed, I wouldn't want to be accused of elder abuse or something. Some days she's in there so long and so quiet, I want to go take a peek at her just to check if she's still alive.
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Did MIL choose to break her hip, lose her independence, have to move from her home?

That anger has to go somewhere.

She is allowed to feel how she feels. Allowed to feel angry too. Maybe doesn't have anywhere else to display it?

Just duck & leave the room when it gets directed at you. Coz that IS within your control.

PS. Did anyone ask MIL what she wanted to do once recovered from her #hip?

PPS Don't expect any SILs to come help out much while you & DH are 1. In the front & centre spot & 2. Doing such a fine job.
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PenelopePitstop Jun 2022
Yes, all very valid points. That's the way my husband sees it too. I even asked him how he'd feel if all his stuff was thrown out. It doesn't matter if it was junk, but to her, it was HER stuff. Plus, she knows her daughters don't want her. No matter who caused it, that's got to be painful.

We agreed next time she has a tantrum, we will let her go to her room, we will NOT baby her, and we will let her come out when she's ready. We will not reward her "bad behavior" by trying to get her to come out or eat because that would just be enabling her. And, it's hard to stay mad at her when she acts normal.
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Don’t worry that “if she withered away and then passed, I wouldn't want to be accused of elder abuse or something”. Unless she is severely underweight, a day or two with just water and a packet of biscuits won’t have much impact, certainly not kill her. You will have plenty of time to realise if the situation is life-threatening.
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PenelopePitstop Jun 2022
There have been times when I thought to myself I wouldn't be surprised if she suddenly passed, but of course we would not let her "wither away". Poor choice of words on my part.
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Actually, I think your husband handles this pretty well. She is 95 and has to have some cognitive decline. She is passive-aggressive and she uses it to get her own way. My MIL did the same with us. Since my husband grew up with this, he knew how to handle it.

She is acting like a child, treat her like a child. Missing a meal or to won't kill her. (Hopefully) Like a child, when she is hungry she will eat. U already said she takes her little snacks when she goes to her room. Ignore it. She is trying to get attention, don't give it to her.

If you don't want to sit and watch TV with her don't. She is your husbands mother. Your with her all day, nighttime is his time.
I can't remember which member it is, but she laughs off her LOs antics. I think thats the best way to deal with people like ur MIL. If she is disrespectful to you, do not allow that. Your home, your rules.
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PenelopePitstop Jun 2022
Thank you. It also helps when I talk about it and everyone's comments have been helpful (and some funny). The whole family knows how Grandma is and we all do kind of laugh about it. It always surprises us when we hear about one person telling her something and then she spreads it around and changes it, and how that person is so mad at her, but we're all like "you know that's what she does. Why did you tell her that in the first place?" I can honestly see why her daughters avoid her, but it's still not fair to my husband. But, it's not always bad! Just once every couple of weeks. ;)
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Let her go to her room, she is just trying to manipulate you, who knows she may have a bag of cookies hidden somewhere!

She will get the message that this behavior will not work and most likely move onto another tactic.

Her general attitude seems to be that of entitlement, her daughters have opted out for a reason.

Has any consideration been given to placing her in AL? She will be around people her own age and not be the "Queen" of the home, she will be one of the residents and subject to their rules, not hers.

She is playing you, keep in mind guilt is a self-imposed emotion driven by fear, you are doing that to yourself, she is just the messenger.
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Good Morning,

Mother had a temper tantrum at the onslaught of her now diagnosis of Lewy Body Dementia. I thought she was being difficult. It passed but it was out of character for her.

Later on she had hallucinations (a one time event) which never recurred. With the info I have now this was the start of Lewy Body Dementia. There are proteins on the brain, she walked with a gait, her head leaning forward.

The (4) hour once a week respite program which includes speech and physical therapy is working out fine. An RN is on hand.

A day later, mother is fine. The Lewy Body is up and down not a steady decline.

Also mother's peripheral vision was the first sign of trouble. Their vision would be the equivalent if you were to wear a scuba diving goggle. They can't see peripheral.

I know it's hard but don't argue with them. My mother thought I stole her bed mattress. I couldn't figure it out. We bought her one for Christmas after 90 days she didn't like it, so I took it because you couldn't return it and bought her another one. Siblings did not kick in $$$ like they said they were going to. Now Mom is in a hospital bed. I was appalled and hurt that my mother thought I would take her mattress. She has absolutely no recollection of ever saying that to me.

Make sure they are eating properly (some people use shakes) but I prefer the basic food groups and Mom's appetite is good. Everyone is different. Hopefully you have learned one new thing from me that will help you.

Remember this is not your mother-in-law, it's the disease, the brain aging the could be some undiagnosed or misdiagnosed issues.

Be aware of dehydration and how many trips your mother makes to the bathroom. I keep Pedialyte and Gatorade, bottled water on hand all the time.
Soup broth is also good for vitamins.

Your husband is right don't argue with them. A visit to a Geriatric Neuro-Psych doctor may help. There is also a good book, "A Caregiver's Guide to Lewy Body Dementia" by Helen Buell Whitworth and James Whitworth. I bought it on Amazon but you can check it out at the library. It's helpful for anyone dealing with an elderly loved one.

You are a wonderful person to care for your mother-in-law. When it's your own mother it's somewhat easier. But your MIL is a different scenario. She is very lucky to have the both of you. I agree with you, usually the women in the family step to the plate. Now some may say what a stereotype. It is what it is...every study shows that.

Men don't like to argue with a woman, especially their mother. They sit and watch tv. Your husband is a good man. It's time to call his sisters--all of them.

Amen...
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BurntCaregiver Jun 2022
Ireland,

It's always so much sadder when an elder's bad behavior is totally out of character for them. If they were cool people and nice and not trouble-makers, but because of dementia become that.
It's a lot easier to ignore a senior brat acting up if it's pretty much how they were their whole life. I've suffered from my mother's undiagnosed, untreated mental illness since I was a little kid by being made her scapegoat for everything.
It's not so hard for me to ignore her and walk away from being her caregiver. For people who had good and loving relationships with their parents it is.
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Unlike your momher-in-law, my mom had Alzheimer's, but like your MIL, she also had temper tantrums. She'd accuse "people, " of stealing her potato chips. She'd forget that over a few days, if we all had a handful of chips, they'd be gone. She'd accuse me of going through her purse, which had $5 in it, (which I put there), and a lipstick, (which I also put there). My mom usually ate, but she became picky about food. Once she got Alzheimer's, she also wanted 100% attention and she became paranoid, delusional and accusatory. My M-I-L also had Alzheimer's, but she lived in Assisted Living. My husband would go there every night after he came home for dinner, and he'd give her some Boost, (and a boost mentally, too, I think, because she got his undivided attention). Sometimes I think it was hard for her to eat and chew. Maybe you could get a volunteer, either from a college, a house of worship, etc., to sit with your M-I-L for an hour or so here or there, to give you a break. Of course, with Covid compounding things, I guess you'd want someone to be vaccinated and to wear a mask. Maybe your local Area on Aging would have some advice. I even wrote a book about taking care of my mom during this time, for my own sanity, called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I found if I could find a sense of humor within this terrible situation, it was easier to cope with. Best of luck.
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Do you know for certain she is not developing dementia? At 95 it’s a possibility that could be part of it. Especially since she seems to have no recollection of the tantrum. Also being hypercritical can be a sign of the personality changes that come with it. Perhaps you could talk to her doctor in private about what you are experiencing and see if she might need an anti depressant to balance out her moods.
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BurntCaregiver Jun 2022
Dizzerth,

My mother has the temper tantrums and does not have dementia. If she gets her own way on whatever she's having the tantrum about, then everything is fine like nothing happened.
If she doesn't get her own way and usually doesn't from me, she works herself up into a panic attack complete with hyperventilating. Just like a child who holds his breath until he gets candy.
I Ignore both.
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Yes, I've dealt with agitation and temper tantrums.

Your solution is CBD which is a miracle drug for anyone with dementia. I give CBD at night to help the person I'm caring for go to sleep.

CBD comes in tinctures which can be added to coffee, chocolate, and gummies for treats.

The band that I provide is Lazarus Naturals which provides a discount for people that are on disability. I have also used another brand with good success but it was more expensive.
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Sergeantswife04 Jun 2022
I agree with CBD being great for our elders. My mom has extreme anxiety and I found that it really did make a difference. I had to stop giving it to her because she had a nosebleed one day, and was convinced it was due to the new vitamin i was giving her (of course not true, she got nosebleeds way before that). I'm going to start giving it to her again.
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I swear to god you are writing about my 96 year old mom. She has the tantrums and literally insults me and storms off to her room for a silent treatment...then so many hours later it is like she forgot and acts like nothing is wrong.

It is extremely frustrating.. I think mine is starting dementia cause now she is making up new memories... and her personality has changed so much. Good luck..I know patience is hard and has to be harder for an in-law..
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Isn’t it funny how people repeat stages of life? The “terrible twos” are repeated in the teens, and then again in the elder years. It’s all about control and autonomy, isn’t it? And insecurity I think.
My mom always seemed so strong, calm and smart. And now I see anxiety, insecurity, and manipulative behaviors. She also throws “tantrums”. I think she always had some of those behaviors, but it has increased since my dad died. And now that she is in assisted living, it’s really bad. It’s sad to see and difficult to deal with. It is awkward to become the parent to your parent. Your MIL, at 95, is undoubtedly facing her mortality. What can be more anxiety causing than that?
I would think it contributes to those tantrums. Just like a two year old, and/or a rebellious teen, she is feeling out of control. I see that in my own mom. You are a saint to have her live with you. Hang in there, but be firm. You do not have to tolerate bad behavior, even if you understand where it is coming from. Best wishes!
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A number of us on this forum have had similar experiences and it's like a toddler pitching a fit over something. When my mom does this I don't reward the behavior because she just wants attention. I can never spend enough time with her ever. Even if I spend 23.5 hours solid just listening to her she would complain about the 30 minutes I spent alone.
In the midst of one of my mom's tantrums one time I threw a tantrum right back at her. It worked. I also imitated my grandmother's voice while I threw my tantrum. Since my mother sometimes calls me by my dad's name ( that's a whole different issue) during my tantrum I also imitated my dad's voice and used one of his phrases. I ended it by walking out of the room and flopping down on the couch. My mom dried up her tears and stopped throwing her tantrum. Maybe try something like that.
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BurntCaregiver Jun 2022
That works too. Give some of that tantrum right back. It works.
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You deal with a senior brat having a tantrum exactly the way you deal with a brat child having one.

Walk away and completely ignore her until she's ready to apologize or you are ready to speak to her. One or the other.
Your MIL behaves abusively to you and your husband because you are safe targets. Stop being safe targets for her. Tell her to shut the hell up and nobody cares what she thinks. Dementia or not NO ONE has to tolerate and live in abuse. You don't have to either.
She says your husband ruined her life by moving her into your good home? Well tell her that you'd be more than happy to drop her miserable a$$ off in a hospital ER and let them find a nursing home to place her in.
That should shut her up. In the meantime start looking at nursing homes, assisted living facilities, and senior communities for her to me moved to.
Make a promise to yourselves that she will be moved out of your home by a certaon date. Then make it happen.
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NewWidower Jun 2022
Hospice care is free to you. They supply deliver and set up any major equipment, (all electric beds) with guard rails, thick foam pads for the floor on the sides so if she falls out or can’t stand steady, she won’t hurt herself. Also, and this is very important, a free nurse visits, brings free medications to remove temper tantrums from being a problem, - (mood modifying). She’ll be on Dr supervised nursing care, I’ve called the nurse anytime 24 hrs middle of the night on call. They are wonderful.
Your cost is for bum wipes, caregiver hourly pay $25 min four hours / day or greater, diapers, food and prep.
My wife went thru all of this.

Tantrums may be due to inflammation of the brain?
Leaky gut: bad bacteria leaking through the colon into the blood stream and carried to the brain.
look it up on YouTube to understand, then call her Dr.
They can do scans.

Fill out a Durable Power of Attorney for her healthcare permissions while she’s still cognizant. A close family member must be able to make decisions for her, when necessary.

Similar for financial decisions, her home sale if deemed necessary.
I’ve been there, done that, put everything of any value into a living trust TO AVOID PROBATE COSTS, huge lawyer fees, expenses and two year wait while the court decides!
My wife just passed four months ago. Don’t procrastinate.
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I often have to remind my mom that she is an adult and not a child. I completely understand your frustration.
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Just had a situation with my dad last night. He is almost 90 and in the process of selling his home and moving in to a retirement community and is understandably stressed. He lives independently and has little in the way of cognitive issues but he has a lifelong history of being mean when he's stressed. After he told me he hung up the man buying his house - WHAT? - I recognized how stressed he was I offered to step in on his behalf with these projects. He had previously refused all offers of help. So he told me to just do it and SHUT UP. I told him that we don't treat each other like that and I expect it will not happen again. He got loud and I stood my ground. He got manipulative and I stood my ground. He had a full on hissy fit and I matched it. Honestly I felt kinda guilty but I won't accept being treated that way. He's doing his usual post hissy sulk and I'm ignoring him and carrying on a normal conversation. And all of this is because of the many helpful posts on this forum that I've read and benefitted from so thanks to all of you who have been such good teachers! I can't say how much it will change dad's behavior but changing mine has been liberating. Use the way that works best for you - direct confrontation, handing her AL brochures (love that idea) or humor but address her behavior for your sake. Good luck!
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Two options that don't involve your home:

Independent Living or Assisted Living: This can be accomplished by calling Adult Protective Services and requesting placement assistance because you are longer willing to be bullied. Also request a Psych Eval for medication and geriatric psychiatrist.

Stop being her victim..............let professionals deal with her and she may straighten out her own behaviors.
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Cover999 Jun 2022
"Put her away," In other words?
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My mom has dementia advanced. She has tantrums and even will get violent. She also pouts. Depending on the issue, I will call her out on it and inform her she is acting like a child. She may go to her room or pout. By the next morning, she is as sweet as pie and will apologize. Get used to it and don't take it personally, this will continue, nothing to cure it.
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Dear OP :),

Hug!! I hope many people have good ideas for you.

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meanwhile, regarding your question:
"Has anyone dealt with elderly temper tantrums?"

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Has anyone NOT dealt with elderly temper tantrums?
please send your LO over to me. alternatively, please ask your LO if they'll adopt me :).

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Hugs! courage, everyone!
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She sounds like my mom! And my mom has late stage dementia. My mom craves attention. Even negative attention. She throws fits. If I tell her she cannot lay down and eat in her bed. She yells at me and says I can do what I want! So I say .. when your ready to sit up in bed I’ll bring you back your tray. 2 seconds later.. I bring her the tray and she sits up all on her own and thanks me for dinner. She does not remember what occurred 2 seconds prior. Her self talk is negative all the time and “pretends” to cry when she HAS to GET UP to go to the bathroom. Showers are a struggle. She says.”I might fall”. . And acts like a 2 year old. ( no offense to 2 year olds) she has NEVER fallen and hates showers because she actually has to do something instead of laying there being served and watching little house on the prairie. Her reality is false. I’m saying that kindly .. because she lies. I am learning to just walk out of the room and say nothing. .. this disease is progressive and permanent. It actually hurts the caregiver and family more than themselves. Because she is not aware. ( she has tapes that loop in her brain) good luck with your MIL ♥️ My suggestion is maybe take her to a memory care specialist and have her evaluated.? Sincerely, Toni
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Please read any of the "boundary books" by Townsend and Cloud. She does have problem behaviors that need to be dealt with in an adult manner. Interventions should be methods that you and your husband can agree on and do not lead to guilty feelings or abuse. I would also suggest that you and your husband lower your expectations regarding her expressing love or appreciation, She may be too focused on herself to consider feelings of other people.
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PenelopePitstop: My own late mother stated "I can say whatever I want because I am old." My response "No, you cannot say hurtful things." Perhaps your MIL needs to see her physician. Btw, chocolate is toxic to dogs.
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It definitely sounds like early stages of Dementia. Read all you can about it.
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