Hello, a while back I was on here and I wrote in that my 95 year old MIL came to live with us after breaking her hip. She has recovered and now we have a new issue... temper tantrums - or my husband refers to them as going on strike...I will briefly explain what happened, which appears to be a cycle.
So we discovered she likes these chocolate rice cakes we recently bought. She asked my husband for one and he put it on her TV tray. By the time she got to the TV tray, our new puppy beat her to it. (MIL is very slow and puppy is lightning fast lol.) Yes, that's bad and yes, my little Lola got scolded, but it's not the end of the world right? We had plenty of rice cakes. Well, that sent her off into a tantrum about how we don't respect her, we respect the dogs more, how my husband ruined her life (by making her come live with us), and she went on and on about what all he/we do. Then she went to bed at about 5:00 and stayed in there until the next afternoon and during this time, she refuses food. Then when she's finished, she acts as if nothing ever happened, that she did not hurl a bunch of insults at us.
When she has these tantrums, she doesn't eat, and as a result, makes herself feel dizzy. Next thing my husband is in there, spoon feeding her something and babying her. One time she suckered me and I babied her too. I felt bad and after all, my logical side knows she's 95. Of course after the babying, she miraculously felt fine. Maybe she is jealous of our dogs because they do get a lot of love.
Well, it's starting to get to me! Like right now she and my husband are watching TV and she's acting like nothing happened. Just last night she was hurling insults at us and complaining. And just for the record, my husband has 4 sisters who do not help at all and she knows this. We have a nice house and she has her own room with a private bathroom. We always treat her with kindness and respect.
He thinks we should just let her have her tantrum and let her be. He doesn't even want to argue back or say anything - although out of anger, he did tell her to call one of her daughters to come pick her up if she was so miserable at our house, knowing that would never happen. It also hurts my feelings that she does this because we have tried very hard to make her happy and comfortable here.
I don't know what to do about all this. I'm finding that I don't really enjoy being around her. I would never, ever be mean to her, but I don't exactly want to sit down and watch TV with her either. Then I feel guilty!
She does not have alzheimer's or dementia. It's just the way she is. She is also a VERY big gossip and not only does she gossip, but she changes the "news" and repeats it wrong to other people. This of course gets everyone in the family upset. That's not an old age thing though, that's her personality.
Is this normal behavior from someone her age? I can see why none of her daughters want to deal with her, but the problem is the one person (her son) who has cared for her the last 25 years, she acts awful to him. (She came here from another country about 25 years ago and he has been the one to do everything for her in that time.) She is very unappreciative of everything. She's the type who doesn't like any gift you give her.
When she “acts like nothing happened” go with it. An episode is over, let it go. Her tantrums, like a child’s is a call for attention except she is an adult and communicates her discomfort by hurling insults.
when the puppy stole her snack, don’t chuckle or think it’s cute, it’s not to her. She needs to be center stage right now. And Penelope, she won’t be with us much longer… take a deep breath, find the patience and strength to do this… if just for your husband, we all know you got this!
love and light
Hug!! I hope many people have good ideas for you.
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meanwhile, regarding your question:
"Has anyone dealt with elderly temper tantrums?"
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Has anyone NOT dealt with elderly temper tantrums?
please send your LO over to me. alternatively, please ask your LO if they'll adopt me :).
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Hugs! courage, everyone!
Independent Living or Assisted Living: This can be accomplished by calling Adult Protective Services and requesting placement assistance because you are longer willing to be bullied. Also request a Psych Eval for medication and geriatric psychiatrist.
Stop being her victim..............let professionals deal with her and she may straighten out her own behaviors.
Walk away and completely ignore her until she's ready to apologize or you are ready to speak to her. One or the other.
Your MIL behaves abusively to you and your husband because you are safe targets. Stop being safe targets for her. Tell her to shut the hell up and nobody cares what she thinks. Dementia or not NO ONE has to tolerate and live in abuse. You don't have to either.
She says your husband ruined her life by moving her into your good home? Well tell her that you'd be more than happy to drop her miserable a$$ off in a hospital ER and let them find a nursing home to place her in.
That should shut her up. In the meantime start looking at nursing homes, assisted living facilities, and senior communities for her to me moved to.
Make a promise to yourselves that she will be moved out of your home by a certaon date. Then make it happen.
Your cost is for bum wipes, caregiver hourly pay $25 min four hours / day or greater, diapers, food and prep.
My wife went thru all of this.
Tantrums may be due to inflammation of the brain?
Leaky gut: bad bacteria leaking through the colon into the blood stream and carried to the brain.
look it up on YouTube to understand, then call her Dr.
They can do scans.
Fill out a Durable Power of Attorney for her healthcare permissions while she’s still cognizant. A close family member must be able to make decisions for her, when necessary.
Similar for financial decisions, her home sale if deemed necessary.
I’ve been there, done that, put everything of any value into a living trust TO AVOID PROBATE COSTS, huge lawyer fees, expenses and two year wait while the court decides!
My wife just passed four months ago. Don’t procrastinate.
In the midst of one of my mom's tantrums one time I threw a tantrum right back at her. It worked. I also imitated my grandmother's voice while I threw my tantrum. Since my mother sometimes calls me by my dad's name ( that's a whole different issue) during my tantrum I also imitated my dad's voice and used one of his phrases. I ended it by walking out of the room and flopping down on the couch. My mom dried up her tears and stopped throwing her tantrum. Maybe try something like that.
My mom always seemed so strong, calm and smart. And now I see anxiety, insecurity, and manipulative behaviors. She also throws “tantrums”. I think she always had some of those behaviors, but it has increased since my dad died. And now that she is in assisted living, it’s really bad. It’s sad to see and difficult to deal with. It is awkward to become the parent to your parent. Your MIL, at 95, is undoubtedly facing her mortality. What can be more anxiety causing than that?
I would think it contributes to those tantrums. Just like a two year old, and/or a rebellious teen, she is feeling out of control. I see that in my own mom. You are a saint to have her live with you. Hang in there, but be firm. You do not have to tolerate bad behavior, even if you understand where it is coming from. Best wishes!
It is extremely frustrating.. I think mine is starting dementia cause now she is making up new memories... and her personality has changed so much. Good luck..I know patience is hard and has to be harder for an in-law..
Your solution is CBD which is a miracle drug for anyone with dementia. I give CBD at night to help the person I'm caring for go to sleep.
CBD comes in tinctures which can be added to coffee, chocolate, and gummies for treats.
The band that I provide is Lazarus Naturals which provides a discount for people that are on disability. I have also used another brand with good success but it was more expensive.
My mother has the temper tantrums and does not have dementia. If she gets her own way on whatever she's having the tantrum about, then everything is fine like nothing happened.
If she doesn't get her own way and usually doesn't from me, she works herself up into a panic attack complete with hyperventilating. Just like a child who holds his breath until he gets candy.
I Ignore both.
Mother had a temper tantrum at the onslaught of her now diagnosis of Lewy Body Dementia. I thought she was being difficult. It passed but it was out of character for her.
Later on she had hallucinations (a one time event) which never recurred. With the info I have now this was the start of Lewy Body Dementia. There are proteins on the brain, she walked with a gait, her head leaning forward.
The (4) hour once a week respite program which includes speech and physical therapy is working out fine. An RN is on hand.
A day later, mother is fine. The Lewy Body is up and down not a steady decline.
Also mother's peripheral vision was the first sign of trouble. Their vision would be the equivalent if you were to wear a scuba diving goggle. They can't see peripheral.
I know it's hard but don't argue with them. My mother thought I stole her bed mattress. I couldn't figure it out. We bought her one for Christmas after 90 days she didn't like it, so I took it because you couldn't return it and bought her another one. Siblings did not kick in $$$ like they said they were going to. Now Mom is in a hospital bed. I was appalled and hurt that my mother thought I would take her mattress. She has absolutely no recollection of ever saying that to me.
Make sure they are eating properly (some people use shakes) but I prefer the basic food groups and Mom's appetite is good. Everyone is different. Hopefully you have learned one new thing from me that will help you.
Remember this is not your mother-in-law, it's the disease, the brain aging the could be some undiagnosed or misdiagnosed issues.
Be aware of dehydration and how many trips your mother makes to the bathroom. I keep Pedialyte and Gatorade, bottled water on hand all the time.
Soup broth is also good for vitamins.
Your husband is right don't argue with them. A visit to a Geriatric Neuro-Psych doctor may help. There is also a good book, "A Caregiver's Guide to Lewy Body Dementia" by Helen Buell Whitworth and James Whitworth. I bought it on Amazon but you can check it out at the library. It's helpful for anyone dealing with an elderly loved one.
You are a wonderful person to care for your mother-in-law. When it's your own mother it's somewhat easier. But your MIL is a different scenario. She is very lucky to have the both of you. I agree with you, usually the women in the family step to the plate. Now some may say what a stereotype. It is what it is...every study shows that.
Men don't like to argue with a woman, especially their mother. They sit and watch tv. Your husband is a good man. It's time to call his sisters--all of them.
Amen...
It's always so much sadder when an elder's bad behavior is totally out of character for them. If they were cool people and nice and not trouble-makers, but because of dementia become that.
It's a lot easier to ignore a senior brat acting up if it's pretty much how they were their whole life. I've suffered from my mother's undiagnosed, untreated mental illness since I was a little kid by being made her scapegoat for everything.
It's not so hard for me to ignore her and walk away from being her caregiver. For people who had good and loving relationships with their parents it is.
She will get the message that this behavior will not work and most likely move onto another tactic.
Her general attitude seems to be that of entitlement, her daughters have opted out for a reason.
Has any consideration been given to placing her in AL? She will be around people her own age and not be the "Queen" of the home, she will be one of the residents and subject to their rules, not hers.
She is playing you, keep in mind guilt is a self-imposed emotion driven by fear, you are doing that to yourself, she is just the messenger.
She is acting like a child, treat her like a child. Missing a meal or to won't kill her. (Hopefully) Like a child, when she is hungry she will eat. U already said she takes her little snacks when she goes to her room. Ignore it. She is trying to get attention, don't give it to her.
If you don't want to sit and watch TV with her don't. She is your husbands mother. Your with her all day, nighttime is his time.
I can't remember which member it is, but she laughs off her LOs antics. I think thats the best way to deal with people like ur MIL. If she is disrespectful to you, do not allow that. Your home, your rules.
That anger has to go somewhere.
She is allowed to feel how she feels. Allowed to feel angry too. Maybe doesn't have anywhere else to display it?
Just duck & leave the room when it gets directed at you. Coz that IS within your control.
PS. Did anyone ask MIL what she wanted to do once recovered from her #hip?
PPS Don't expect any SILs to come help out much while you & DH are 1. In the front & centre spot & 2. Doing such a fine job.
We agreed next time she has a tantrum, we will let her go to her room, we will NOT baby her, and we will let her come out when she's ready. We will not reward her "bad behavior" by trying to get her to come out or eat because that would just be enabling her. And, it's hard to stay mad at her when she acts normal.
Incidentally, she became angry while hospitalized. They spoon-fed her. Gave IV fluids. She refused to do anything for herself. Wouldn’t even roll over in bed. Until they moved her to palliative/hospice. Then she started talking, eating and drinking. Even walked a bit. She lost most of her strength, mobility and skills. Her own worst enemy.
But to be honest, one thought I had was I didn't want her to starve herself because if she withered away and then passed, I wouldn't want to be accused of elder abuse or something. Some days she's in there so long and so quiet, I want to go take a peek at her just to check if she's still alive.
Rice cakes are a questionable treat. But to each their own.
Mother in laws should not be babied after throwing a temper tantrum. It doesn't matter how old they are. It only encourages more of said behavior.
Did she ever get her chocolate rice cake?
But you know, that is another issue... one time they got into it because she eats these calcium chews like candy and discarding the wrappers on our floor (who does that?!?) and naturally the dogs would get them. First of all, we didn't want her throwing trash on the floor and more importantly, we don't want our dogs to get poisoned by her weird foods and vitamins! So, my husband confronted her about not doing that and sure enough, it caused her to go on another hunger strike.
She isn't throwing a tantrum, she is is being manipulative. She thinks her locking herself in her room is punishing you. Then she pulls the "I won't eat and then they'll be sorry!" tactic. And she knows this will get her the babying and attention she wants. She isn't going to stop this behavior because it's working out great for her!
She wants to be in charge because she is the Mother. Doesn't matter how old her son is. Doesn't matter if it's your house. Doesn't matter if son is married. If she is not given the 24/7 love and attention she feels she is owed, she will keep pulling these stunts.
Next time she pulls her "I won't eat" BS, tell her you will call 911 any time she is dizzy or weak. And actually follow through on it. It may take just one ER visit to change her tune!
Remind her that if she feels so unloved and neglected in your home, that she has options: assisted living or one of the daughters.
But since the daughters want little to do with her, I'm thinking she sees her son as the Golden Boy. She has narcissistic traits of wanting everything to be all about her, all the time. Such mothers tend to dote on their sons and be more harsh on their daughters. These mothers see their daughters as competition. Then they can't understand why their daughters don't fall all over themselves to take care of mother in her old age.
I think you are more aggravated about this situation than you're letting on. I would be going nuts! Unfortunately your husband keeps playing into her manipulation and it doesn't sound like this will stop.
My MIL has pulled these stunts every single time she comes to our home for extended visits (thankfully does not live with us). My husband and I stand firm in presenting a united front, just as we did when our children were small and threw tantrums. She doesn't want to eat "that slop"? Fine, make yourself a sandwich. Don't want to drink anything? Fine, when you become dehydrated you'll have to go to the ER (this one really gets her because she would have to spend money - granted, not a large sum, but the woman is beyond cheap!)
Old age, and not being diagnosed with dementia, etc., does not give my 97 year old MIL the right to rule my home. Your MIL should not be allowed the rule your home, either. Best wishes to you. It's not easy walking this balance beam, is it?!
Hubby needs to stop coddling her immediately, and send her off to her room like a toddler the next time she has a tantrum, like Margaret said, with a water bottle and a pack of cookies, and let her alone to calm down. While you get busy with compiling the brochures for Assisted Living Facilities.
You're being held hostage in your own home by a geriatric baby who wants everything to be Her Way or the Highway. It's time to show her the front door.
And yes, my husband has told her to call her daughter to come get her, but well, she's still here... Since she has moved in with us, only her grand children have come to visit her, but none of her other children. It's really sad.