yes, i have met many elderly people with dementia who are very sweet. (parents of multiple friends; i've known the parents for years; they were sweet people before dementia, too) (nice to everyone: the caregivers, family, friends).
There were several in my mom's memory care facility who were so sweet all the time. And my mom is the sweetest person ever about 60-75% of the time - but she's either one extreme or the other. (We are working hard on the "other!")
My Mom was. She was loved by staff at her AL and staff at her NH. Not saying she didn't have a paranoid moment but on the whole easy to care for. I was the problem. I could not deal with the unpredictability of the desease. I like things 1, 2, 3. Doesn't happen with Dementia. You don't know what they are likely to do from one minute to the next. The toileting I hated and showers came in second. Senior caring for a Senior.
I asked Moms neurologist if Moms personality would change he said no.
If they were nice before Dementia, they will be nice after If they were nasty before Dementia, they will be nasty after If they were nice before Dementia but nasty after...they were nasty before just able to cover it up.
My GF was doing a clients hair who suffered from Dementia. My GF said "Dottie your birthday is coming up" Dottie said "yes it is but I don't remember when. But I will remember tomorrow and give u a call with the date" She was also a client of the VNA I worked for and the sweetest lady. So was my DHs Aunt who passed last month.
The neuro's answer confirms something I've thought for a long time. That the dementia strips away all pretense and what is left is the "core" person. That said, until now I've not seen anyone else come out and say it. So thanks for the insight!
Actually, my mother was very nice and sweet to the staff at her Memory Care; they all loved the heck out of her, as it turns out. It was ME she was snarky & mean to, always had been.
Many of the residents at mom's MC were pleasant, too. When I worked at a Memory Care AL a couple of years ago, we had some residents who were quite pleasant, as a rule. Some not so much. As in life, you'll find nice people and miserable ones, same with dementia.
Dementia seems to magnify a person's personality in many ways.
My mom was a good person with a heart of gold, but she was also sarcastic so that's what was magnified. Her caregivers found her very entertaining, but she could be pretty crunchy when they bugged her too much about showers and getting dressed.
There was a woman in her MC who was the sweetest thing in the world. She was absolutely adorable and sweet-tempered, but she, too, got peeved when the caregivers wanted her to do things she didn't.
You get a certain amount of the grumpiness no matter what their general temperament.
Yes, I noticed that about my dad and I've told my kids: any weird thing/ habit you have is magnified with dementia. Now that he's in memory care, they seem to be better at dealing with some of this, however.
My Husband was an absolute sweetheart. Compliant, never violent. Stayed in bed until I got him up (might have been because he needed his walker and never tried to walk without it) But when I had to start using a Sit To Stand he never fought it or when I had to switch to the Hoyer Lift he never fought that either
This post reminded me of a woman at Moms NH. They had brought her into the Common area in a geri-chair. I guess she was bedbound and I am sure Dementia was involved. She was cussing her aide up one side and down the other. Calling her a wh*** and not so nice other names. She was really nasty. I was walking by her to leave. She looked at me and very nicely said "I love that blue top you have on". I said "thank you" she said "your welcome" and went right back to berating that poor aide. It was like a switch was turned on and off.
There was a great aunt on DH's side who was never unkind to me in any way. I never knew her pre-dementia and she also had a host of other problems - lived in a nursing home. She was always nice to me, but I think pre-dementia she could get a bit feisty (but never abusive or cruel). We talked some (there was a language barrier as well) and I helped keep her clothes in good condition by mending the existing ones and buying additional items when needed. A family member took me aside one day and wanted to "make sure" I knew that this great aunt didn't actually know me or remember me from visit to visit. I felt the underlying message was that he felt I should not be going to see her because what was the point? Was I making him feel bad because HE rarely saw her? I kept going to see her - the nursing home was just down the street from me for heaven's sake!! As I recall, I was one of the few who saw her before she died in the hospital. I don't regret it and think of her often.
What you did was voluntary work for someone who wasn’t very close to you. Well done! I spent months doing a reading session for people in our local age care home, none of whom I knew personally. Congrats to you too!
Wow, my experience has been a bit different. My Dad had always been a very pleasant, easygoing guy, but we're 10 years in now, and as his Alzheimer's has progressed, and his disorientation has progressed, he has become this ornery and nasty creature that struggles and rages like an animal against parts of his everyday life. Trying to get him out of bed, putting him on the toilet to try to avoid changing pull ups constantly, or, God forbid, it's too late and it's time for a shower... Pure hell. He is a nice as can be once he's actually sitting there enjoying his snack, but getting him to those moments of contentment has become really hard.
Initially, he was his old nice guy self with us and the aides, and did as he was asked while attending to him, but now??? He's actually becoming unmanageable. He shouts NO! to virtually anything and everything, whether it's getting up and out of bed, coming out to have breakfast, getting cleaned up after dirtying his pull-ups, whatever. It's all a NO! and then he starts kicking, slapping, elbowing you to get away; he has become an angry, nasty, perpetual toddler but with a foul, foul mouth. This was a man that actually swore very little, and tried hard to correct us as teens and young adults when we got to that age when we thought it was grown to let the F-bombs fly.
In a way, I guess it's true, he stayed his old nice self for quite a distance into this journey, but now, he has morphed into someone totally unrecognizable. My Dad, as we knew him, is long gone. He doesn't seem to recognize anyone at all anymore, which is expected. All I can do now is cry myself to sleep hoping he will forgive me, he never wanted to live this way, and begged while he was still lucid to not let "this" happen to him. I hope both he and God both can forgive me.
He doesn't respond to kindness at all anymore; doing anything necessary to care for him has become this epic death struggle and battle of the wills. He is stuck in this "struggle" mode, and his physically fighting back against "everything" is utterly exhausting, all from a man that never even spanked us as children. I am afraid of physically harming him when I have to try to keep him from swinging, hitting and kicking, etc. The things he says to me are devastating, I try so hard to remember that old mantra "it's the disease, it's the disease", because I know my dad never hated me like he does now, while I'm trying to clean him up, and he's telling me to "get the f*ck away from me, you f*cking bi#ch". I know he loved me once, I have to try to hold onto that, because this creature despises me.
Everyone caring for my mom thought she was a sweetheart, funny, and quite delightful. I had wonderful times with her mostly, but some very hard times because I had to make all her decisions for her and she didn't like some of them. However, when anyone would ask her a question, she would always say they had to ask her daughter because her daughter was her brain. My mom was not especially outgoing, so preferred to watch what was going on around her and not participate. She did always want to help anyone who seemed to be having trouble though and would go up to them an pat them on the back or try to share her snack with them. There was one woman on her floor at nursing home who I will never forget. She brightened up whenever anyone walked in the door and if music was playing in the main room, she would want to dance in her wheelchair with everyone. She was always happy. I witnessed one day another lady, also in a wheelchair, berating and yelling in a mean voice at the happy one for wheeling backwards down the hall. The happy lady just turned and smiled at her, listened to all the complaints, nodded, and said she liked going backwards and told the mean lady to try it. Hilarious. Another lady from Cuba in my mom's assisted living facility remains on my mind too. She was 100 and still walking around upright without a walker and talking about her early days when she moved to the US with her father. She was constantly looking for her father, but otherwise really sweet and loving to everyone.
My mother is "pleasantly confused". My mother has Lewy Body Dementia. In came in stages--a one-time incident of hallucinations, outbursts, almost statue like behavior with no speech and extreme anxiety. It's a miracle she is the way she's made a comeback.
Fast forward 18 months later, a totally different person. In the early stages (3) different hospitalizations. Now with the right medication, structured routine, early to bed, early to rise, an UP Walker Lite, Church Ladies come on a Sunday, and meals cooked from scratch, Mom is stabilized.
Follow up, socialization (although during the Pandemic, I think symptoms accelerated because of the Pandemic, everything came to a head), plenty of water to prevent dehydration, a shot of cranberry juice daily, good walking shoes, railing NOT a booster seat--on the toilet, shower chair, railing on the stall.
Watch for UTI's, this can cause a lot of issues because you don't know if it's the side effects of medication or part of the Lewy Body Dementia.
When I put Mom to bed with her lavender colored comforter (hospital bed, put the railing up she smiles like a little kid. I put her clean hanker chief and rosary beads under her pillow, tuck her in and put the lamp on till 8PM. Her aluminum walker is used the nighttime for trips to the bathroom.
I keep the light on over the stove and the light on in the bathroom with the door ajar--absolute no area rugs and no step-in shoes/slippers of any sought.
My LO is pleasant and much like his pre-dementia self BUT...he has also trained me quite well to not cross his boundaries. He calls the shots, meaning he doesn't shower, doesn't allow outside help, spends 24/7 watching the news, doesn't usually eat healthy, etc. So there's not much for him to fuss about. I'd say his dementia is moderate (never diagnosed and can pass as someone without dementia in casual interactions). In the past year he has declined lot, but as the solo caregiver, no one else sees it. I anticipate there might be a change in his "always pleasant" demeanor as he enters the later stages of progression in the years to come.
My father was always a funny man and a good man, but he was also very strict and tough. The worse his dementia became the more agreeable he became. I have never met an AL patient who remained or became nicer. I've not met all AL patients.
One of the people I took care of was a 101-year-old woman with mild dementia who was more active than anyone might think someone of that age could be. I was the only person (aide or family) that found her agreeable, even pleasant and enjoyable. In this particular caregiving instance, I observed it was because how others treated her that caused her to become uncooperative, irritable, angry, upset, etc. I kept my mouth shut about the observation. A family member and another aide finally took a video of her one night to "prove" to me how miserable she could be...but what I saw was the way the aide dealt with her was the reason for the woman's meltdown.
Another dementia patient I had was in her 90s who had the memory of a sieve, always tried to sneak multiple changes of clothing if she could, didn't like to eat, etc. The memory issue I found to be the most taxing, but she was a very pleasant lady---until the (elderly) daughter came around. Understandably, she was a tired and worn-out caregiver who'd lost patience with her mother, but she'd come in ready for war, when there wasn't one to wage. The mother would either shutdown or become otherwise non-compliant.
My sister, who has been in a nursing facility for over a year, has dementia and is a very pleasant person. The nurses remark about her sweet disposition and smile. We have always loved her for her laughter, generous loving soul and she is beautiful inside and out. We are very close (although ten years apart), we have always felt like soul sisters. Because of the dementia it breaks my heart that we can’t converse like the old days. I feel I lost my true sister several years ago. She is just slipping away slowly. This is the most agonizing part of dementia. However, I feel blessed when I see her smile or when I can make her laugh. She has truly been a gift to this world.
Absolutely! I spent 12 years as an Auxiliary Chaplain at a hospital. Many of my patients were classified as dementia cases. Some were Oscars (grouches), but the majority were just ordinary folks who accepted loving care with a smile. The attitude and reactions of the care giver usually set the tone. However, most of the patients have grouchy moments or days when they are treated in a way that causes them pain or invades their privacy.
Yes, my very very critical Mom has developed dementia. She is pretty agreeable now. Sometimes the old her comes out for a few minutes, but it passes quickly. I am thanking God every day! I don’t know why this phenomenon happened, but I’ll take it. I’m not angry and feeling hateful inside anymore. Just feel relief and compassion.
Ha! The opposite of what happens to so many it seems. My grandmother was a very difficult woman all her life according to those that knew her before I was born but toward the end of her life she mellowed, quite a bit. She didn’t have any dementia but her sift was definitely to the posative!
Yes, my 96 yr. Old father. Diagnosed at 91 but the best. I just placed him in a memory care facility. Of course he wants to go home but also realizes he is better off at the facility. But my Dad is the best.
Yes, there are still good days, but they are different. My husband has had vascular dementia for six years. Wherever his mind has gone, he seems to be happy most of the time. I have realized that he mirrors my moods. If I am angry or upset, he "digs his heels in" and won't do anything I ask of him. If I am calm and reassuring, he will cooperate. Dementia is overwhelming and frustrating, my sweetheart is gone. He does not remember our children. I don't think he remembers me, I'm just here all the time. This is a wonderful place to vent and get advice. Enjoy the good days. (((Hugs to you)))
My husband still has his easy-going personality, 10 years into Alzheimer’s (late middle stage by now). He is remarkably free of anxiety, anger, and frustration. Given the very challenging nature of taking care of him, I consider both of us fortunate for the stability of his personality.
I have been taking care of my mother, with Dementia and Sundowners, for three years. She has her moments of being the "mom" I remember, sweet and funny.
Then there are her days/nights where she calls you names and has anxiety that she is going "home" to grandma who died 12 years ago. Calls her names when she doesn't show up to take her home. I recently placed her in a memory care center because she would break the door, literally, if she thought her "baby" (a doll), was in your room kidnapped or grandma was being held captive in there. We went thought many doorknobs and eventually didn't have any...just deadbolts that she would try to open with silverware. I have my ups and downs with feeling I did the right thing or not, but my own anxiety has gone way down now.
Yes my friends father was so sweet up until he died last year. He had Alzheimer’s that had progressed very rapidly. However he always was kind, telling his family how much he loved them, even at times when he thought his son was his father. With my mother it hasn’t always been bad with her dementia. You do get great moments with them. Everyone is different but I hope you see the pleasant side
Yes. My MIL was bitter, angry & suspicious much of the time, but when dementia set in, she became pleasant, grateful, sweet spoken & trusting. Visitors became potential friends, not people who were out to get her. She didn’t like PT, though. I thought it was remarkable that she was spared the anguish I’ve seen in some.
Please bear in mind that a dementia patient becomes confused and lost as the disease progresses. They may not be sure where "home" is but they know they are not there. They also do not recognize the people who come to see them. The ones they miss and wish to see may be long gone--or they may be in the room, but unrecognizable. My aunt found great solace in her grandson. However she thought he was my father, who had been dead for decades. Still, it was comforting to her to see someone "familiar" when she was surrounded by strangers. Given the progress of the disease, it would be very difficult for most to find anything to be happy about. There are those who are very comfortable in strange situations and who are excited about meeting new people. Many, though would find the situation frightening and will be frustrated and angry that they cannot go "home" or see those they love. The best we can do is to try to befriend them as they are. This is usually easiest when we visit them in MC rather than trying to keep them at home when they no longer believe they are home. Easiest for us, but still far from easy.
Yes. It’s early in the diagnosis but my father was usually not a whole lot of fun to be around. He is hyper-critical, verbally abusive, and has a horrible temper. He has been that way for as long as I’ve known him...until dementia really set in. For now, he’s very pleasant and upbeat almost all of the time. He has had very short-lived bouts of his old personality showing up so the potential is still there but for now, we’re just trying to enjoy the change while it lasts.
I asked Moms neurologist if Moms personality would change he said no.
If they were nice before Dementia, they will be nice after
If they were nasty before Dementia, they will be nasty after
If they were nice before Dementia but nasty after...they were nasty
before just able to cover it up.
My GF was doing a clients hair who suffered from Dementia. My GF said "Dottie your birthday is coming up" Dottie said "yes it is but I don't remember when. But I will remember tomorrow and give u a call with the date" She was also a client of the VNA I worked for and the sweetest lady. So was my DHs Aunt who passed last month.
Many of the residents at mom's MC were pleasant, too. When I worked at a Memory Care AL a couple of years ago, we had some residents who were quite pleasant, as a rule. Some not so much. As in life, you'll find nice people and miserable ones, same with dementia.
My mom was a good person with a heart of gold, but she was also sarcastic so that's what was magnified. Her caregivers found her very entertaining, but she could be pretty crunchy when they bugged her too much about showers and getting dressed.
There was a woman in her MC who was the sweetest thing in the world. She was absolutely adorable and sweet-tempered, but she, too, got peeved when the caregivers wanted her to do things she didn't.
You get a certain amount of the grumpiness no matter what their general temperament.
She was often anxious and overwrought, until we got her on an effective combo of anti-depressants. But never mean or hurtful.
No anger ever. She is on very few drugs.
Sweetness.
Compliant, never violent. Stayed in bed until I got him up (might have been because he needed his walker and never tried to walk without it) But when I had to start using a Sit To Stand he never fought it or when I had to switch to the Hoyer Lift he never fought that either
Initially, he was his old nice guy self with us and the aides, and did as he was asked while attending to him, but now??? He's actually becoming unmanageable. He shouts NO! to virtually anything and everything, whether it's getting up and out of bed, coming out to have breakfast, getting cleaned up after dirtying his pull-ups, whatever. It's all a NO! and then he starts kicking, slapping, elbowing you to get away; he has become an angry, nasty, perpetual toddler but with a foul, foul mouth. This was a man that actually swore very little, and tried hard to correct us as teens and young adults when we got to that age when we thought it was grown to let the F-bombs fly.
In a way, I guess it's true, he stayed his old nice self for quite a distance into this journey, but now, he has morphed into someone totally unrecognizable.
My Dad, as we knew him, is long gone. He doesn't seem to recognize anyone at all anymore, which is expected. All I can do now is cry myself to sleep hoping he will forgive me, he never wanted to live this way, and begged while he was still lucid to not let "this" happen to him. I hope both he and God both can forgive me.
He doesn't respond to kindness at all anymore; doing anything necessary to care for him has become this epic death struggle and battle of the wills. He is stuck in this "struggle" mode, and his physically fighting back against "everything" is utterly exhausting, all from a man that never even spanked us as children. I am afraid of physically harming him when I have to try to keep him from swinging, hitting and kicking, etc. The things he says to me are devastating, I try so hard to remember that old mantra "it's the disease, it's the disease", because I know my dad never hated me like he does now, while I'm trying to clean him up, and he's telling me to "get the f*ck away from me, you f*cking bi#ch". I know he loved me once, I have to try to hold onto that, because this creature despises me.
oh my goodness.
HUG from me.
please clear your mind.
please fill your mind/heart/soul with all the beautiful flowers you deserve! and beautiful, loving words.
My mother is "pleasantly confused". My mother has Lewy Body Dementia. In came in stages--a one-time incident of hallucinations, outbursts, almost statue like behavior with no speech and extreme anxiety. It's a miracle she is the way she's made a comeback.
Fast forward 18 months later, a totally different person. In the early stages (3) different hospitalizations. Now with the right medication, structured routine, early to bed, early to rise, an UP Walker Lite, Church Ladies come on a Sunday,
and meals cooked from scratch, Mom is stabilized.
Follow up, socialization (although during the Pandemic, I think symptoms accelerated because of the Pandemic, everything came to a head), plenty of water to prevent dehydration, a shot of cranberry juice daily, good walking shoes, railing NOT a booster seat--on the toilet, shower chair, railing on the stall.
Watch for UTI's, this can cause a lot of issues because you don't know if it's the side effects of medication or part of the Lewy Body Dementia.
When I put Mom to bed with her lavender colored comforter (hospital bed, put the railing up she smiles like a little kid. I put her clean hanker chief and rosary beads under her pillow, tuck her in and put the lamp on till 8PM. Her aluminum walker is used the nighttime for trips to the bathroom.
I keep the light on over the stove and the light on in the bathroom with the door ajar--absolute no area rugs and no step-in shoes/slippers of any sought.
Mom is at Peace!
Another dementia patient I had was in her 90s who had the memory of a sieve, always tried to sneak multiple changes of clothing if she could, didn't like to eat, etc. The memory issue I found to be the most taxing, but she was a very pleasant lady---until the (elderly) daughter came around. Understandably, she was a tired and worn-out caregiver who'd lost patience with her mother, but she'd come in ready for war, when there wasn't one to wage. The mother would either shutdown or become otherwise non-compliant.
However, most of the patients have grouchy moments or days when they are treated in a way that causes them pain or invades their privacy.
Then there are her days/nights where she calls you names and has anxiety that she is going "home" to grandma who died 12 years ago. Calls her names when she doesn't show up to take her home. I recently placed her in a memory care center because she would break the door, literally, if she thought her "baby" (a doll), was in your room kidnapped or grandma was being held captive in there. We went thought many doorknobs and eventually didn't have any...just deadbolts that she would try to open with silverware. I have my ups and downs with feeling I did the right thing or not, but my own anxiety has gone way down now.