Help! Should I leave my uncompliant, type 2 diabetic husband whose health is rapidly declining?

Go see a divorce lawyer immediately.

Oh, this does not seem to be a marriage. It's going to take you down with him. Yes, move on your own, get him into a care facility, where he will be better off too.

He should have no trouble qualifying for a NH, especially as a divorced male with no income except disability.

DO NOT put your inheritance into a joint account. It is your money and he has no right to any of it, unless you put it in a joint account.

He has made his choice and you get to make yours. Please chose life and functionality over the slow, miserable death he is putting you through.

Keep your plans to yourself...It's none of your business...is a full sentence. Repeat it once, then ignore him and walk away if he keeps asking.
You need to save yourself (and the dog).
Your father in law's decision to move away and leave both of you behind is very telling.
I have some concern that your husband may use threats of violence/destruction of your property once the divorce papers are served....or actually strike/injure you and the dog.
Use the public library as a place to do research and get some space for yourself, away from him. Find out about the resources available for women who have abusive partners, and take it seriously.
He is very depressed - which is a huge anger turned inside himself- and has a history of lashing out with verbal abuse when he is not getting his way.
The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when one person tries to leave.
Call the county bar association for referrals of some attorneys who do divorce law, see if local legal aid has suggestions (even if they cannot help you ), etc.
I'm not trying to frighten you, but am worried about your safety. Personal and professional experiences and education are the basis of my concern for you.
You deserve to be safe and contented in your own space.

It sounds like you are mentally adjusting to being separated.

This is a good practical step. Whether this separation is your husband being admitted to hospital, to a NH or his final resting place - this time of transition is near.

His health needs warrent a team. You have done all you can. Now steer him to another place. Be at peace with that.

A lawyer can advice if divorce is required for this step or not.

Then look for grief support for yourself. While you cocoon & look after yourself before emerging into your own new life 🦋

Be responsible for yourself, get a good divorce lawyer and walk away from this mess. Then get yourself in better shape, for YOUR future. It’s on you, no one else. Living with others and relying on their money, and roof, is not wise. Get a job, your own home and work on getting healthy and strong. Jmho.

In a word? Yes.

I have been through an incredibly ugly divorce where, stupid me, I started out by playing fair only to discover that my ex really was a miserable arsehole. So, in addition to retaining a divorce lawyer ASAP, make sure its a GOOD divorce lawyer. Assume that your husband will get down in the mud and play as dirty as he can. Do everything your lawyer says and trust his/her experience.

Good luck. You are young and there is a big, gorgeous world out there waiting for you!

DON'T PUT ONE DIME OF THAT INHERITANCE IN A JOINT ACCOUNT.

That money belongs to YOU alone, but if you co-mingle funds, he gets half. Open separate bank accounts in a different bank and keep that money completely separate. Don't spend any of it on anything for him, because that's your ticket out.

Start getting your plan to escape put together. Start eating right, for one thing, because your health matters. Take care of YOU first and foremost, so you'll be in good shape to bolt before his dad does. Get yourself a divorce lawyer before you mention anything to your husband and do what he tells you.

Begin the process with no guilt in your mind, and don't fall for any mind games from your husband or your FIL. You need to leave, and having a vision of your future in your mind will help you get through this.

What Isthisrealyreal wrote is imperative - when you get that inheritance money, put it in an account IN YOUR NAME ONLY. Most states consider an inheritance the sole property of the person who inherited, and not part of marital/community assets UNTIL and UNLESS it is comingled between spouses - ie. a joint bank account, or a purchase, such as a house, in both names. Then it becomes a community asset and may be split as such in a divorce settlement.

Park that money in an account that is in your name only. Then see a divorce attorney to get an idea of all of your options. THEN make the decision about whether or not to divorce your husband. Make sure your interests are protected before you make any decisions.

Good luck!

Hi, I believe you should leave to save yourself, if you stay you will further subject yourself to a life that will seriously impair your ability to leave in the future when you may be less able to leave. Your husband has mostly chosen to be difficult with you and this is further compounded by his father's presence in his life. Saving oneself when the writing is on the wall is salient, having your sanity intact and allowing for your recovery from a relationship that has taxed you, this both honourable and necessary. I wish you well.

Yes . He sounds negligent in his behavior and ready for a NH . Get a divorce lawyer . Find a Place to stay and Buy that condo . Its summer - Maybe you could camp . On FB there is a group Host a Sister that helps woman In a abusive situations . There are Air B and B s and hotels by the week . Make your Plan and keep it to yourself . I find objects and items dont mean Much when leaving a abusive situation just a duffle bag of clothes and a car . Keep that nest egg for yourself and Only yourself in a Bank account and start looking for that Condo . Find a realtor . I have started a diet of salad , greens , avocados and rice . Tea and water . You Can do it . Go enjoy the world .

If your husband is mentally incapacitated then quite possibly a care facility would be best for the both of you.

I would be careful with the funds from your inheritance. I would not put them in a joint account because if he goes into a facility under Medicaid they likely will take any assets he has under his personal or joint accounts.

As for leaving him, I cannot advise you. I certainly understand your feelings of helplessness and desperation. I too would feel that way. Talk with a local pastor and/or therapist. Get some advise and encouragement from them.

Praying all goes well for you!

sounds like a horrific situation, lose weight take care of your health and hold on to your money - so when the time is right you can start a new life

and don't give him any of your money, you are going to need all you can get to get your life back. and as someone said in one of the answers don't put it into any accounts that have anything to do with him,

He should be qualified for Medicaid and a nursing home. Make sure that inheritance is not in a countable, community asset. If necessary, get advice from a Medicaid attorney, although it seems straightforward enough that you shouldn't have to. But definitely reach out to your local government's social services department about NH care for your husband.

My husband never got to this point but was well on his way when I left and filed for divorce. His health was declining due to Diabetes 2 and, in his 40's, he was wearing diabetic stockings. My college-aged son came to me one day in tears, asking "Is Dad dying?" My husband wouldn't work on his health issues and he was getting nasty, alienating friends in the process. He would not attend marriage counseling, though I asked many times. When he finally agreed, he said basically nothing during our session. I decided enough is enough and I got myself an apartment and an attorney. I do not regret my leaving one bit. And I believe my leaving kicked his butt into gear to finally work on his health issues. Had I not left when I did, I probably would have been in a similar situation as yours. Take care of YOU!

"He got fired from physical therapy and all his doctors call me to vent. "

What do they expect YOU to do?

When do you expect to actually receive your inheritance? Is it in a trust or an estate? Who is the executor/successor trustee? Is their property that has to be sold? Do you know for sure how much you will be getting?

In another post you wrote that your H refuses to hire caregivers. Does he have the money to do this? And if you were to have to leave immediately, do you have access to any funds?

The other post also stated "I hate changing my husband's disgusting poop/diarrhea diapers 12 times a day," UGH YUCK.

I am so sorry that the extreme stress of this has caused you to become morbidly obese. You must get yourself in shape and healthy for your new life. YOU CAN DO IT!

Please keep us updated -- we care about YOU!!!

I send you my best wishes towards your new life. You have a plan and going forward you will find the answers any roadblocks ahead. Somethings will go without a hitch others will be bumpy and a few will seem insurmountable.

To be honest - it sounds like your husband may not have a lot of time left if he is on dialysis. I can certainly understand how you are feeling - but I would be more inclined to try and get some respite for yourself and try and get some accommodation without having to use your inheritance money. I am not sure what country you live in (I live in Australia) but there most be some local organization you can turn to for help or even advice. I would think carefully about walking out on your husband at the moment .... I feel you may regret it later. At least you know you have done your best. Sending lots of love to you and hugs.

So very sorry Sunset. It will be a challenge at first but I suggest you see an attorney and keep this confidential. You never know who will intrude and warn your husband. Imagine his behavior if he still has you under his thumb before you have your exit plan in place.

Sounds like your husband has checked out of the marriage and sees you as his 24/7 nurse, not a cherished spouse. Without you working yourself to death he WOULD be best suited for skilled nursing facility. I’m certain you will not surprise your attorney with your story and they will guide your steps to protect your assets. He will also have info with resources for husband’s placement and support. There may even be support for you to break the news to him when you’re ready to regain your life. It will be ugly. You’ve done enough. You deserve that condo you dream of and keep your eyes onto a peaceful future.

I wish you the very best.

I sympathize with your current situation. The best thing you can do for him and it's unfortunate because it's only one side to the story but I seen it before so I'll believe your situation.
The best thing for you to do.. is get him the best facility you possibly can for him.

Just remember, If he's depressed now, imagine what he'll be once you leave him for good and he's in a facility.

So your situation is a double edged sword. As long as you feel in your heart you did the best possible thing for him out of love not haste then you should be ok..

It sounds like your husband has mental disabilities (dementia Alzheimer’s) if he needs a man diaper, has an unruly personality, and picks at his skin. Is he not able to walk to make it to the bathroom or a porta potty close by? What would happen if you fed him (leave food too), changed him, and then left for the day? Would or could he do anything for himself? If he is that sick and you can’t care for him and he can’t care for himself, he needs to be in a nursing home or you need home care. Contact your Social Services Department and get the paperwork started for Long-term Medicaid so that you can get him in a Nursing Home. Take him to a doctor for an evaluation for his mental health. There is a series of tests that they can give him. If he gets violent and you are in fear for your life, call the police and have them take him to the hospital. Hospice should be able to help change him and give him medication for his anger and depression issues while at home if qualified. It does sound like he may be at the end of his life. I would work full time (get a seated job) and pay for a part time person to come in to change, clean, and feed him. At least you wouldn’t have to deal with that all the time. Before you seek a divorce, check to see if you would get any of his pension if he passes away. You don’t want to lose out on that. You will need it. Never mention your inheritance to anyone right now! Don’t be afraid to reach out to available Services and make a ruckus to get help. Take care of yourself and join a weekly weight loss support group-don’t be afraid. You will meet new friends. Get out every day even if you just go for a walk with your dog to the park. Do it every day! I pray for strength and peace for you. Know that you are not alone. You can do this!

Please get him hospitalized so that his blood sugar and the health-related complications can be addressed. Ask case management or social services to place him into a skilled nursing facility. Placement is easier to do when he is hospitalized. Then, get out of this abusive relationship. Make it a priority get your own health and life needs cared for no matter what happens with your spouse.

Divorce him now if possible. You don't want the financial burden and responsibilities of a terribly ill and totally uncooperative spouse. Then, with less burden, you can involve yourself as much with his care as is possible and agreeable to you. In fact, this may be a problem with his current dependence, I would seek good legal advice from a divorce/elder care ? attorney concerning your choices at this time as to responsibilities. Sorry for the mess you all find yourselves in.

The two of you are very young. Twelve years of marriage are a fairly short time. You have time to make a new life. So does he unless he is currently in the dying process.
Was he disabled when you married?
Was he so mean when you married?
If he was already disabled but not vicious in nature, consider the disease process could be causing the personality changes. Get help from social services.
If he was already an S.O.B., he will only get worse. The only person who can help with that is himself. So get your exit plan in place, quickly, with the help of experts.
As awful as it sounds, his father is the old person here. It’s not his responsibility to support the two of you. It was nice that he was willing to do so for this long. Perhaps, he, like you, is just trying to save himself and have some peace in his own last years.
Kidney disease, and other disease processes can cause toxins to build up in the body, causing personality changes that can be dangerous. While the behavior results are not the fault of anyone, they can be impossible to live with. Doctors treating your husband should be educated to know this, and be able to tell the difference between an asshat and a person exhibiting a disease symptom. They should be directing you to the appropriate social services and not complaining to you, unless their comments are intended apprise you that he is making a choice and that frees you up to make choices of your own.
Another hard truth is that you have responsibility for your own choices and behavior and while life is hard, there are choices you have made that have made your life worse. Acknowledging that can help you live more peacefully if you stay. And be crucial in making a new life for yourself if you go, because if you don’t, you will be taking those bad choices with you and you will find yourself just as unhappy.

I think I am not qualified to give advice on divorce, and whether someone should leave and/or get a divorce. If you need counseling on that question I would suggest you see a professional therapist.
I will make one observation to you. That regards your money coming to you through inheritance:
Do know that this is SOLELY your MONEY. It is not community property as yours and your husbands assets accumulated in your married life are. And this holds under the law UNLESS you put you inheritance in a joint account with your husband. This makes it money BOTH of you hold equally.
No keep that inheritance under your own name, choosing a pay on death friend or loved relation.
Best of luck in your decisions. This doesn't sound like a happy marriage to me, whether there is illness and other things involved or not. I myself would be leaving, but I would never advise someone else to leave unless it was a case of abuse. I will trust you to make your own decisions for your own life.

RUN......................Get out, now. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself, everything. You are still young and shouldn't have to put up with this. Start a new life. He will get help on his own.

From the description your husband sounds as if he has mental health issues that urgently need addressing before he can move forward. Has he seen a psychiatrist or psychologist? Since your husband receives a disability check (presuming SSI), then his healthcare needs should be met by Medicare/Medicaid. Can he be brought to an ER and can you ask for psych eval for the skin picking, non-compliance, depression, anxiety? He may need to be in a nursing facility.

As for divorcing...well, that's up to you.

Last question if you're living in his father's home and his father is leaving, does he care that you two will be homeless or is he banking on your inheritance to see you through? Even if you buy a condo with no mortgage by using the proceeds of the inheritance what will you use for the day-to-day expenses and maintenance fees for the condo?

Divorce so he can get all Medicaid help and your assets will not be counted. After the divorce you can get him into a facility. They do all the paperwork. Move away have a new life that is what you want :/

Get out, girl, while you can. I am astonished that you have lasted as long as you have.