Hello, fellow caregivers,
I'm a 41 year-old woman living with my disabled husband of the same age, and I'm clinically depressed and feeling hopeless about the future as I watch my husband decline before my eyes. He is very manipulative and difficult to handle, and I don't feel like I can handle him anymore. I've become a shell of a person, morbidly obese, and hopeless since our marriage began 12 years ago. We have a dog but never had kids, as he can't ejaculate. I was really sad about that at first, but now am glad.
We currently live with my husband's father who is difficult and enables my husband. He helps some although I'm my husband's full-time caretaker but not compensated for more than 2 hours daily.
DH is an uncompliant, type 2 diabetic with kidney failure, on dialysis, who needs help with everything related to vision, standing, transport, breathing, and using the bathroom. He's currently on oxygen and in diapers. He calls me around the clock to wait on him hand and foot and has a bad attitude about everything.
My father-in-law is moving away this summer and we would be homeless (because I'm only paid working part-time and husband has small disability check) except I'm inheriting money from my dad who recently passed.
I'm considering getting myself a little condo and some new work and moving away so I can have some semblance of a life. My husband expects to go with me and continue as is, but I want to put him in a nursing home, even if I have to divorce him. I'm so burned out and torn. He got fired from physical therapy and all his doctors call me to vent. I don't want the responsibility of dealing with him anymore. He picks holes in his flesh, all over his body, because he's bored. I understand he's depressed, but I am too (maybe even more than him), and he expects everyone to solve his problems.
Let your conscious guide you
so which is it? are you going to be judged just like the rest of us soulless commenters telling her to leave this horrible situation?
Check with a lawyer (or online) regarding laws for where you live and your financial responsibility for his care. Though I do not recommend divorce or legal separation, you may have to do so to protect that inheritance... and start a new life.
Your DH did not 'make' you overeat or cause you to become morbidly obese; you made those unhealthy decisions yourself, one bite at a time. Yes, it's probably been a coping mechanism to deal with an unhappy marriage, which I understand; I have addiction issues myself. So I'm saying this from an empathetic standpoint, not a judgmental one. My suggestion to you is to do whatever it takes to care for YOURSELF now, before it's too late. Can you do that while staying married, or is it necessary for you to move out first? Can you work? If so, do so. Focus on self-care and healing now, and if that means you get a divorce, then so be it. Get counseling to learn how to stop emotionally eating, too, that's a big one. And/or join a group like Overeaters Anonymous to help you take a spiritual outlook on things.
You should also think about seeing a Certified Elder Care attorney for advice moving forward; if your DH has any dementia going on, you'll need to see how to go about filing for divorce under those circumstances and if it's even possible to do so.
Whatever you decide, you matter too, not just your husband. You deserve a good life and he deserves a good life. How you go about achieving such a result I don't know, but I wish you the best of luck figuring it all out.
Am I unsympathetic? No. But he deserves sympathy too; perhaps even more than you. You seem to want to avoid guilt - A normal human response. Fine - but not at your husband’s expense.
With all due respect to you, I do not believe that you wait on your husband hand and foot or work yourself to the bone caregiving for him. Nor do I believe his doctors call you to vent. They don't do that.
Keep in mind that because of your husband you have somewhere to live. You even admit that you'd both be homeless without your FIL. I'm so sure your FIL would not have you living in his home which I imagine is rent-free if not for his son.
If divorce is what you want there's no crime in that. I'm twice divorced myself. Get out if the marriage isn't working, but have some respect for yourself.
Was he like this when you married .personality wise ? Did he need your assistance then ..I’m assuming he all ready had health issues if he couldn’t ejaculate …did he marry you due to the need for someone to take care of him? Sorry if I sound harsh ..but wondering if that is the reality of this relationship. If so ..then leave ASAP. Get your lawyer , keep inheritance for yourself and explore starting a new life. Also look into relocating if this may be cheaper than if you live in an expensive area. I have a friend who moved to Mexico just for the lower costs . If this was a loving relationship then perhaps you want to look at it from an illness perspective. As in , perhaps his health issues caused his depression, anger and dependence on you for all care. That could have led to brain damage due to the diabetes or kidney issues . If so, perhaps , consult lawyer to get your inheritance protected from his bills. Then get him placed and started on Medicaid . If he’s on disability this might be easier. Also, he might qualify for hospice. Sometimes also places have counseling services available for loved ones/caregivers.
either way..start living healthier ..make time for self , walk with dog, eat better - reward yourself sometimes though , when you are able perhaps join a gym . If you are staying with husband..his disability should qualify you for subsidized housing ..some have gyms and programming too- so look into that ..and then you could get caregivers through Medicare or hospice and get yourself a paying full time job. What did you do before marriage ?
good luck .
I have started counseling because only I am responsible my thoughts and behavior. Since I am having problems along that line, I have to find a way to change myself.
My good thoughts and hugs are coming your way. There is a way out, trust me.
Call the local nursing home and ask to speak to a social worker (with or without your husband): then set a date for his placement and your departure.
If you stay how long would that inheritance last whether you live where you are or move to a condo? If bills would eat up the money quite quickly, you really have no choice but to get gainful employment.
Go and use the money to start over by getting a job, getting your own health in order. If you still love the guy, then talk to his drs about putting him in facility for now to see if he can become more independent...which would allow you time to do for yourself and possibly have him return to home with better strength and more motivation. The stipulation would be you have to have a job so him coming home depends on being able to function all day while you're at work.
Talk to 3 divorce lawyers, the 3 best you can find. Pick one to work with. The other two cannot contract with your husband once they have consumed with you, amber not fair , but that is the game.
Divorce on grounds that you are not husband and wife but a caretaker and patient. You can document hours and tasks that live not time for "marriage"activities. This will provide some protection if he tries to claim part of the inheritance .
Your F-I-L = is an a**! If he cared at all for you he would help out, counsel, not enable his child, and I mean child. He doe s even want to live with his son, that is perspective.
Take care of your self, because you know nobody else cares about you enough to help you.
As for divorcing...well, that's up to you.
Last question if you're living in his father's home and his father is leaving, does he care that you two will be homeless or is he banking on your inheritance to see you through? Even if you buy a condo with no mortgage by using the proceeds of the inheritance what will you use for the day-to-day expenses and maintenance fees for the condo?
I will make one observation to you. That regards your money coming to you through inheritance:
Do know that this is SOLELY your MONEY. It is not community property as yours and your husbands assets accumulated in your married life are. And this holds under the law UNLESS you put you inheritance in a joint account with your husband. This makes it money BOTH of you hold equally.
No keep that inheritance under your own name, choosing a pay on death friend or loved relation.
Best of luck in your decisions. This doesn't sound like a happy marriage to me, whether there is illness and other things involved or not. I myself would be leaving, but I would never advise someone else to leave unless it was a case of abuse. I will trust you to make your own decisions for your own life.
In order for it to remain SOLELY your MONEY you must be vigilant to never, ever comingle it. For once that's done it can not be undone.
BUT that's not the sole issue; there are laws in many states regarding spousal responsibilities: in some circumstances (depending on your state) you can be required to pay for your spouses medical expenses just as surely as some parents can be forced to pay for child support.
So, this advice gets old, but, if this is a sizeable inheritance and you are determined to protect it you will probably need to consult an attorney.
Because, as costly as legal services are, sometimes they're a whole lot cheaper than the consequences of not obtaining them.
Was he disabled when you married?
Was he so mean when you married?
If he was already disabled but not vicious in nature, consider the disease process could be causing the personality changes. Get help from social services.
If he was already an S.O.B., he will only get worse. The only person who can help with that is himself. So get your exit plan in place, quickly, with the help of experts.
As awful as it sounds, his father is the old person here. It’s not his responsibility to support the two of you. It was nice that he was willing to do so for this long. Perhaps, he, like you, is just trying to save himself and have some peace in his own last years.
Kidney disease, and other disease processes can cause toxins to build up in the body, causing personality changes that can be dangerous. While the behavior results are not the fault of anyone, they can be impossible to live with. Doctors treating your husband should be educated to know this, and be able to tell the difference between an asshat and a person exhibiting a disease symptom. They should be directing you to the appropriate social services and not complaining to you, unless their comments are intended apprise you that he is making a choice and that frees you up to make choices of your own.
Another hard truth is that you have responsibility for your own choices and behavior and while life is hard, there are choices you have made that have made your life worse. Acknowledging that can help you live more peacefully if you stay. And be crucial in making a new life for yourself if you go, because if you don’t, you will be taking those bad choices with you and you will find yourself just as unhappy.