How do I cope with lying to my mother?

Do you have POA? If yes, just pay the bills and agree with her that they have been paid already. If you have access to her banking use online banking to make the bill payments and try to set up as many as possible on auto payment.

Give yourself time to think with an automatic response like ‘I’ll have to think about that for a while’, or ‘Perhaps I need to check on that again’. Dementia may mean that she will have forgotten and you can start again. And remember that dementia means that you do what is needed, not what she wants to believe.

I think the key is to somehow separate what You think and what Mom thinks about things.

Another way to put it is *accepting her reality differs to yours*.

So no discussion on 'untruths'. That way just causes brain pain for you (as you are finding).

Some examples from the tales I hear;

Mom: the cleaning lady stole my purse.
You: we will get it back

Don't discuss it never happened. Vision + memory probelms mean if an object is not in SIGHT - it can get confablulated into being stolen.

Mom: I'm going to stay with Aunt Betty in 2 weeks!
You: how lovely for you

Again, no discussion that this isn't planned or Aunt Betty actually died 2 years back. Just wishful thinking. Find some old photos of Betty if possible to reminisce instead.

Mom: I certainly did NOT agree to (change clothes/visit the Doctor/have a shower/whatever).
You: oh, ok

Needs to feel in control. Let her settle & try again as a brand new request.

Takes 2 to argue. So nod & smile instead. "Oh really? Oh I see. Umm hmm".

My sister's catch-all is "that's interesting".

Any statements she makes aren't lies and they aren't misinterpretations. Her statements are the absolute truth... in her mind. If you try to correct her, how does that go? If you in your reality say something to someone that you believe is the truth, and they, in their opinion, refute your words, what is your reaction? How do you feel? Would there be an argument? A confrontation? When you place yourself in your mom's reality you're not lying, you're not pretending, you're validating her concerns. It's a strategy you have to practice. There are several terms we use to describe our responses, lying is not one of them. In his book “The Problem of Alzheimer's”, Jason Karlawish uses the term “loving deception”. Certainly, when we hear someone make an incorrect statement, we intuitively want to correct them. That doesn't work with a dementia patient. We tell our children about the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, are we lying, or our we simply trying to relate to them at their level? As caregivers to someone with dementia, our roles are reversed. The child, the caregiver, becomes the parent, and the parent, the one with dementia, becomes the child. There is no “automatic response template”, being a caregiver is all on the job training.

So educated yourself on being a caregiver to someone with dementia. Start by reading books or Googling “dementia”. “The
36 Hour Day” is great primer for caregivers.

You're in a bad position w/o POA and paying your mother's bills with your own money which is a bad idea. You should see an Elder Care attorney right away to see how to go about getting POA for a mother who now has dementia; I don't know how such a thing is possible, now that she's incapacitated. She can't pay her own bills, but if you can write the checks and get her to sign them, at least for now, that would be a good start.

As far as lying goes, you're applying rules of normalcy to a situation that's anything BUT normal. Normal flew out the window when mom started down the road to dementia, and that's the truth. My mother is 94 and has advanced dementia, lives in a Memory Care ALF. So last night she calls me and says she has to 'figure out how to get downtown to a different hotel'. This calls for ME to be a bit of a sleuth. Naturally, I have to 'lie' and make up stories of my own to handle the situation she's created, right? So I tell her to turn on the TV and watch some shows, that I'll call her a cab to pick her up in the morning and take her downtown. She immediately calms down b/c I've 'handled the situation.' I'm not 'lying', per se, but doing what's required to appease a demented mind and calm the situation down. Call it what you'd like; but I call it love and caring. Her mind is gone now; she feels like her siblings and parents are still alive, too, so I tell her whatever I MUST tell her to keep her relaxed and not upset.

Here is a link to an article on the subject of what's known as "Therapeutic Fibbing" to patients with dementia & why it's a good idea:
https://dailycaring.com/why-experts-recommend-lying-to-someone-with-dementia/

For me, the toughest thing is being caught off guard with all the nonsensical things my mother says to me; all the stories she tells & situations she invents. I have to be fast on my feet to come up with something to tell HER in response, and that's a challenge! Dementia creates a whole new set of crazy situations for us to deal with ALL the time, and it's difficult, that's for sure.

I echo what sjplegacy has suggested in getting a copy of The 36 Hour Day which is a wonderful reference guide to dementia. It will help you sort thru the muck and the mire you're faced with right now. Together with getting some sound advice from an Elder Care attorney, that will set you on a path to some kind of plan of action moving forward. Don't discount placement in a Memory Care ALF down the road if/when her care becomes too much for you to handle. I read your profile and see that you're facing stage 4 cancer yourself, and you have a LOT on your plate to deal with. Please make sure to take care of yourself in this process; your life is important here too!!!

Wishing you the very best of luck on both fronts; with your health and with your mother's dementia. If you can, try to just keep her calm, don't argue with her off-the wall comments, and just keep the peace w/o letting things escalate into big fights. I know how hard that is; to KNOW she's making wild statements that you WANT to correct, but it's always a bad idea to do that where dementia is involved. It's a slippery slope we walk with these elders, and I feel for you. Sending you a big hug and a prayer that God helps you through all of the challenges you face.

If fibbing keeps mom calm and thus me calm I’m all for it!

One word that’s worked for me when mom gets worked up about a future place to stay/car/event ( usually in her mind ) is I say, “ don’t worry, it’s all pre-arranged.” I usually repeat it a couple of times but for us it has worked well so far. Plus this is usually true anyway!

I’ll also nod and say something along the lines of, “ I can see that might be a problem, but we don’t have to deal with it right today. “ She likes that one too.

If it’s a conversation that’s not dreadful I just dive in. The other week she said she was going to have to change the roller skating reservations across the street for the family because it was bad timing for some people - including my father ( deceased! ) who would have to travel a ‘long way’. In this case mom was so matter-of-fact and not upset so I said that was a lovely idea, let’s reschedule. To this day this is one of my favorite exchanges. A roller skating party sounds great!

This will get easier with practice. Frankly I still stumble a lot but unfortunately the practice keeps ramping up. I’m learning to enjoy the better conversations about made-up hotels, airplane trips, and roller skating. Take care and blessings to you!

As my mother's dementia progressed I also felt guilty 'lying' to her, as I am very honest by nature, but also because my mom used to say she hated liars! At a holiday gathering with neighbors, their priest was a guest and the subject of our loved ones with dementia came up I brought up what I learned in an Alzheimer's support group, the concept of 'the therapeutic lie'. The priest listened and then charmingly said, 'Aren't they all?" Yes, hilarious, and kind of helps take off some of the guilt of 'little white lies' to help us cope with a vastly changed interpersonal landscape. You will get better at 'thinking on your feet' when you keep your mother's peace of mind the focus; don't confuse her, just 'redirect' and 'reframe' an issue.

I found it very hard to lie to my dad too. I finally had to in many cases to keep things calm. It’s a disease of the mind so it’s a lot different than coping with another type of disease. If you have to argue with her about paying bills it’s time for you to be doing it instead of her. You may have to have legal help to become her guardian if she won’t turn it over to you cooperatively.

Well...I am going to take the last part of your problem to begin with.
Mom should no longer be doing her own financial commitments. Someone else should be in charge of all her financial affairs.
There is no sense in starting or getting into an argument with a person with dementia you will NEVER "win"

As to something that she tosses out that takes you off guard simply say...
"Gee I don't know I am going to have to check that out"
This gives her a response to the question or statement and gives you time to figure out a better response. A response that you may or may not actually need. I think you will find many things really do not need an accurate response, answer. Just carry on conversation.
Try to think of it as writing a story. Creative writing in real time.
And when something really throws you and can not come up with a response just change the subject. Simply say..."OH! I forgot...." then start your new thought line. It is not lying it is changing the subject.

Mom had her moments with telling "stories," I won’t call them lies. Her reality was changing and calling her on it was no use. I would say "wow, I didn’t know that," or "that's terrible," or whatever seemed appropriate and change the subject. I called it the Squirrel game.

As to the financial issues could you get a Paid stamp, available at Staples or Office Depot? Set a monthly date to sit down with her and go through her bills and stamp each one as it is verified as paid. The elderly often see everything slipping out of their control so if you can help her with bill paying rather than taking it away she may be more cooperative.

There is no point in trying to "correct her.". Her statements are what she sees and believes. Acknowledge her statements and suggest that you will look into that problem. Don't try to persuade her that her perception is untrue..

Concurring with Grandma1954, someone else should be handling your mother's finances and bill paying. Period.

Do you have poa? Does she have online access to her accounts? If not set it up for her, set her ID & password and then you have access to keep eye on bills and pay electronically if needed. Even better, joint account (poa not required) but if that's not possible... work with what you've got. My best friend just started dealing with this exact issue with her parents. Father already has dementia now realizing mom may too. I had to start this years ago with my mom. She is on respite right now but will be back Thursday. It doesn't get easier but this issue can be an easier one to handle.
Important thing to remember... Pick your battles...
A little ppwk, little online access and u can be helpful without intrusive until needed. 🙋👍🙂
**Reminder this is my opinion from my experiences. Different things work for different people. The more suggestions the better chance of finding what works for your situation. Good luck!🌞

The trick is to STOP CORRECTING HER!
If she thinks it, there isn't anything you can say to change what she thinks. If she thinks it, it's true to her so let her think it.
The only thing that one needs to be corrected on is their medication but I'm sure there's no problem there because I figure she's not in charge of her own medication.

Ask yourself is it better to be Right or have Peace?

My 96 yr old Dad will say things and I just let him tell the story his way. He is a retired fireman and once he was telling me about 100 fireman were dancing around downtown naked and I just said how did you hear about it and he said I read it in the paper and it was all over the TV. I said no I haven't heard about it and wow Dad, that's crazy isn't it and he saud yes it is and there you go, an intertaining story,
he also told me to not forget to tell my husband and I saud I would.
No Harm Done.
Remember they are in their own little world and unless it's harming themself or someone else, don't worry about it. Let them have their fantasy world.
LIke when you're a kid and believing in Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy....None of those things hurt me believing and talking about it.
Think of Seniors as big babies or kids.

Most are born in this world wrinkled and bullhead and pooping your pants and if you live long enough, that's how you leave this world

In terms of the bills can you suggest to her that tending to bills is time consuming and an inconvenience so you could help her enroll in an automatic payment plan?

She has dementia and is never going to understand anything and it will get worse. Who cares what you say or don't say - won't mean a thing to her. Say what makes YOU feel good even if it is telling her off when you have reached your mental limits - at least it will help YOU to survive. She won't know the difference. Feel NO guilt. Just do what makes YOU at peace and ignore her rants - better yet, place her so YOU don't suffer from her behaviors, etc.

Look, she is not lying. Your mom is simply confused and doesn't understand what is going on around her. Try to agree when it is not important and distract her onto different subjects. Almost everyone with advanced dementia is a "time traveller" and all you can do is try to figure out where in their lives they are and get beside them in as gentle a way as possible.

You have some good suggestions in the answers here. Consider them carefully and try to be calm and encourage your mom to be calm.

Prayers and best wishes

CarylorJean, my heart feels for you. Been there, done that! I "promised" Mom I would never lie. So I spent about a year "correcting" her. IT DID NOT WORK OR HELP. Finally placed her in memory care, what a difference it made. They helped me find ways to answer and go along with her journey.
Strongly recommend 36 hour day, it is my go to book for coping! Get it and read it. First priority getting your POA in place ( I would not give her one over you, select some one else, she is probably more confused than you realize). And if you are covering her bills bad idea, ask an attorney about the spend down for Medicaid, you not only need to pay yourself back, you should be paying yourself for her care and expenses. Good luck, this is harder than you expect, get some professional advise.

Put bills on Auto pay. Dodge confrontations with standard "Really? Let's look into that later"...and change the subject. "Mom, your hair looks great today."

It IS a conundrum - trying to be prepared in how to respond to a person's communications who has dementia. While it is one reason I love this work, that doesn't help families who are caught off guard due to being thrown into a new situation with no experience. Please note:

* Be kind to yourself. This is not easy by any means.

* Realize dementia (interactions) is learning a new language. And, the learning curve is intensely fast as there is little to NO prior LEARNING prep time. It happens and families are left wondering / perplexed: How do I DEAL with THIS? (Some call me to assist but not every can do that - of course.)

*Reframe many of your thoughts / words. KNOW THAT IT IS NOT LYING. The key you want to achieve, as much as possible, is keeping your mother calm and emotionally even. Never ever set up responses which result in HER arguing. She is right in how she thinks and believes IN HER HEAD. Period end of story.
This is what dementia 'conversation-ists / inflicted want to do. Argue. It is fear and the brain cells dying so the brain doesn't work as it once did (for that matter, neither does mine.)

* Give yourself "TIME OUTS" - if you mom says something that throws you off, say something like "Well, I never considered that point of view. I'll think about it. Thank you" and then CHANGE THE SUBJECT immediately. Be prepared in how you will change the subject.

* Watch TEEPA SNOW's video / webinars. She is the country's expert on dementia and how to interact with dementia inflicted.
- Buy a book on the topic.

* Believe me, I've been studying Teepa's materials for years and doing this work for more years and still get caught off guard. What I (try to) do is take my time and not respond too quickly, agree or REFLECT what you heard the person said as THEY WANT TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED -
- You are acknowledging that you heard them, not that you agree w what they say.
- Some of the 'good' aspects of these conversations is that the inflicted forgets the conversation so they let it go.

* Be prepared to change the subject - this takes practice.
- Role play with a friend, family member, or yourself.

These . . . situations come out in all kinds of ways. I have learned to SET BOUNDARIES on what I will and will not do (to degrees). While not so much a conversation or dialogue, I am working with a hoarder and she wants to 'pull me in to this maze' 'helping her as I do'. While it is a different scenario, we will find our way through - by going through in present time.

If you remember anything, remember this:
1) Do not argue.
2) Acknowledge feelings and words, i.e., "I hear you saying . . . " or "I will consider that" -
3) then change the subject to something pleasant for them.
4) Google Teepa Snow and watch some of her webinars.

Gena / Touch Matters

Could you make cocktail party (remember those or are you all too young) conversation rejoinders to off the wall people? i.e "Hmmm, something to think about. Very interesting, I will certainly look into it. Could be, you never know. I better check that out right away. You may be right. Let me see what I can do." People in memory care are not the only ones with off the wall ideas, just official at it.

So many good answers on here. I totally understand that being caught off guard, and also the always telling the truth. Same here.

But one thing I don't understand. She has dementia; why is she in charge of her financials? That needs to be changed. Dementia does not have the capacity to make decisions.

Oh my word. My "never tell a lie" 91 yo father tells the most preposterous stories now that have a grain of truth and then he embellishes on it ( I think) to make conversation and to feel included. He remembers "working on the naval ship in 130 degrees, he lost 45 pounds in a day, every day, such and such happened in a dream so it must be true...."


I have to just grin ( privately) and nod . Acknowledge him as a person. And then change the subject. Because it's insult to correct ones elder... To him and it only alienates them. Because they are confused.
The changing of communication patterns is the most frustrating and incredibly challenging thing about dementia so far, to me! Husband, 61 w early dementia, who could juggle multiple businesses and complex tax and accounting tells me big tales of his next big project, an innovative way of doing this or that, starting a new business venture, with no rememberance of the new diagnosis and warning from the doc. We used to be able to logically talk these things out. But now he gets incensed if I question or correct or remind him that that part of life is going away. Last night I had to whisper to him to quiet him down at a wedding because he was talking loud and silly, joking inappropriately, and he acted like I slapped him in the face!
Changing how we talked and planned and discussed things together is SO SO SO hard because it's very different now!

Sorry I digress, I agree the new way of communicating is so strange, and is like learning a new language. I'm praying for you and thanking everyone so much for their ideas , support and letting us just get things off our chests.
I started keeping a journal and it really has helped get all this emotional garbage out of my system between the tears and struggle. Reading the 36 Hour Day.
Compassion and patience, prayers and some therapy is helping me alot. I hope you will be able to view your loved one with compassion and understanding.
Blessings..

I paid my mom's bills for years (using her bank account), and no one asked if I had PoA. You can do a lot on-line because the computer doesn't know who you are as long as you have the password. I set up much of the on-line access myself. After my father died, I got my name on her bank account because she had trouble writing and that made writing checks difficult.
At first I "helped" her and used her computer, but as it became more confusing to her, I started doing it from my computer at home. Eventually, I found out that she was throwing away anything she didn't understand, like utility bills and credit-card statements, and I arranged for them all to come to my house.
There's a lot of great advice about going with the flow when our loved ones come out with really odd realities. I used to think my mother-in-law would forget things, and then her mind would stitch together unrelated events and she would come out with a really strange story.
Sometimes when my mom really harped on something, I found it useful to dig a little bit and try to figure out what was really on her mind. When she told everyone she had too much money and wanted to give half of it away, I talked with her about charitable donations, and what kind of charity she would like to support, and I wrote out a couple of checks for reasonable amounts. I showed her the envelopes as I put them in the mail, and never heard about giving away her money again. She just wanted to be generous.

It takes practice to be able to think on our feet, as you describe so well. If you have the opportunity to take an improv class, it would be helpful. Especially if it is an improv class for dementia caregivers, but I think any practice at thinking on your feet would be helpful.

I learned in Care Giving Support Group that it is not lying, it is Fiblets. Fiblets are part of Care Giving, designed to enhance the joy and well-being of the one you love. So, do not feel as though you are lying. Feel as though you are cushioning her from a harsh reality. You are placing her in a gilded cage to keep her safe, happy, secure, and enmeshed in the world she has created for herself, where she is comfortable. Go with the flow. Live in her world when you are with her. My love, prayers and hope are with you both.

Its time for either guardianship or representative payee of social security or POA of financial. I became representative payee for my brother in law on his social security because he couldn't handle money and he has dementia. Also I was told by social security that if anyone gets POA of financial they cannot get the social security once a person is assigned to this position it can't be taken away from them, How I know this family of my brother in law wanted POA financial to get a hold of his social security I will not give it up they were taking every money he had. My BIL has short term memory loss now that has gotten worse. If I didn't step in he wouldn't be in the place he is now.

The lies you are going thru right now is related to the disease. I have been dealing with it now for over 5 yrs and its getting worse. I just view it as I am watching a movie because I can't change him. Don't get stressed from it because it will get worse and you don't need that in your life.

Prayers that you find a way for your mother.

IF THE LIE IS FOR HER BENEFIT, I WOULD NOT CONSIDER IT A LIE.

My mom's doctor told me to view the lies that I had to tell her, when she had Alzheimer's, as creative story telling, as others have said, for her own benefit. When she'd get depressed and obsessed about a friend not calling her, I'd tell her that she's on vacation, and she'll call when she gets back. That allayed her distress for a while. This friend often did call, but since my mom would forget, I had to make up something in-between calls. I even wrote a book about taking care of her called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (I thought of the title when I was driving home from work 1 day, and I realized that my once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog. I have a chapter entitled "The Caregiver's Commandments", one of which is "Thou shalt not lie, unless you need to lie down" but I'd add, "or unless the lie is a necessity for the well-being of the Alzheimer's patient." Best of luck.

It might be easier for both of you to go to her bank and get her set up for online banking so you can "monitor her accounts." You could say you are doing this to deter identity theft and thefts from her accounts (which you will do) but it will also be to make sure bills are paid and other financial matters are attended to promptly (which you don't have to tell her). You can also set up automatic payments of most of her bills with her bank or with the institutions/people she needs to pay.

As for reacting to untruths, I find it easier to just be noncommittal. I usually say something like, "That's interesting," or "OK (s in I heard you and not as in I agree with you)"... Usually, I try to change the subject to other less contentious topics.

Please make sure to have a power of attorney for finances and a power of attorney for medical decisions which were created by a local lawyer. If you don't have them, you will have more problems managing your mother's needs in the future.

I don't necessarily consider them lies; I look at it at visiting an alternate universe (the world they live in) and giving the answer appropriate to their reality. In our world it may not be true, but their brain is broken and this is what is real to them. Don't argue - it will only increase the your mom's agitation and leave you totally frustrated. To HER it is ABSOLUTELY the TRUTH.

My father would become agitated because he believed he owed money to various fictional people, instead of challenging his view I'd just let him know that I had already written whoever the check - "the check is in the mail." When he called me late one evening saying he needed $660 immediately, I reminded him it was late and the banks were closed but I bring it to him first thing in the morning - knowing/hoping he would not remember the phone call he made. He didn't. Telling him these items were handled calmed his agitation - until the next time.

Sometimes trying to keep them safe from their own actions it is necessary to lie. Honesty is almost always the best policy, but with dementia - no always. Since dad's perception was not true I saw the answer was true for the perception.

I realize with your own health problems this is an added burden, but as much as possible go with the flow and have fun (when you can) visiting her world. Remember to take good care of yourself also. May you and your family be blessed.