How do I cope with lying to my mother?

Fib-lets…. They are just Fib-let’s. In the overall scheme of things, how important is it .? It sounds like mom is living in her own reality . Dementia does that .. There is something called Anosagnosia. It looks like denial but it is not denial as we know it . They really believe the reality they live in . If you do not have a “Durable Power do Attorney” start working on it ASAP. That way you would be in charge of her financial things and medical decisions. If that is not possible you are going to have to do what you can to manipulate things … Maybe offer to help by writing checks for her bills and bring them to her to sign . I did this for quite a while , now my man doesn’t even know if we get bills or who pays them . I joined a CareTakers group , we meet on line. You can get information thru the ALZHEIMERS association. Dementia it an awful complex disease. I have learned to say simple things like , “ Really . “ , Oh, I didn’t know that . Hmmm, maybe tomorrow. I work very hard just to let him know I heard him, I don’t have to agree or disagree. Mom is not lying to you, it’s what is in her head … Her brain is broken .. It’s not that she won’t stop the stories , it’s what she believes. She can’t change what is going on in her head but you can change your reaction to her. I am 4 years into this now and my frustration has lessened dramatically. There are times we actually chuckle together . I no longer get as angry or frustrated as I did before. I’m tired because of how much more I have to take care of but appreciate the fact that I know when he is giving me a rough time it’s because he is having a rough time himself .. I hope this helps a little … Best advice in could give you is “Find a CareTakers” group…

I worked at an adult day-care about 10 years ago. It was there that I first learned about therapeutic lying. I don't know anything else about it, other than the nurse and social workers both talked about it. You do and say what you need to do to put someone at ease or to make them less anxious. If it doesn't cause them now or future harm, go for it.

Don’t think of it as lying to your LO. Think of it as living in her reality. As my mother’s dementia has worsened I struggled with not telling her the truth. But then a good friend told me to think of it as her reality. It would hurt her so much when she would ask where my dad was. Imagine how it feels the first time you are told someone you love has died. Well that is how she would feel every time she would ask and be told he had died. I did not want her to have to feel that anguish. Better to tell her he is busy at work and had to work overtime. When my brother died of cancer of course I told her and she attended his funeral. A few weeks later she was asking if I had heard anything from him. Now I just say he is busy or even hat he was in or will be in. I used to take her to lunch or dinner. The menus were a hundred pages long! She would flip the page and flip it back and it would be all new to her. She would order a desert and ask when it came who ordered it then precede to eat it all. Better to laugh than to cry. The little lies make her quality of life so much better. Who cares if it feels wrong to us to do it? It is all about keeping them happy. I bring in catalogs to her and have her shop for anything she wants. What I do order she never remembers asking for, so it is like Christmas when her order comes.

I have been "beaten down" and "not knowing about dementia". Well, that is not true. Unfortunately through years and years of dealing with people who do have dementia, I am all too well aware of what happens with people with dementia. It is horrible for them as they no longer have a functioning brain and have to live with all kinds of insane ideas. However, the fact is, they cannot be fixed to be "normal" much as we would like. And I assure you depending on each individual, their behaviors and beliefs can send their caretakers to the point of nearly jumping off the cliff - no matter what they do or don't do, nothing works and the frustration, with rare exception, builds up more and more and more until the caretakers are ready to snap and walk - and I don't blame them. Sometimes, again depending on each situation, the ONLY way to make the dementia patient stop is to "explode and tell them off". Why, because if the caretaker does not do this at least rarely, the anger and frustration is overwhelming the the caretaker starts to give up and be destroyed - and it is not their fault. Letting off steam at appropriate times relieves the building stress. There is nothing wrong with that. It has been tried and done when nothing else stops the patient from being on the attack. I tended to someone for 28 years and I speak from experience. That is not being cruel - it is saving the one there to help - the patient is "gone". Stop attacking people who speak the truth that others want to pretend doesn't exist. People who attack the caretakers for trying to save their own lives should shut up and go away. (See post below.)

Couldn't pare down my response enough to include this.

As for her anxiety or panics, consider a very mild dose of anti-anxiety med. My mother needed this during a UTI sun-downing episode. She was fine in the morning, but later in the day? Oh boy! Taken a little before it would normally start avoided it but didn't dope her up.

A dose before bed might allow her to sleep through the night. During the day, if her "episodes" happen later in the day, it is likely sun-downing and these meds can help (mom used Lorazepam, lowest dose, never caused any issues, no falls, no zombie-like result, just enough to take the "edge" off.)

As for responses, until you really get the hang of it, use the 10-second rule: let me think about it, giving you time to regroup and perhaps come up with something that is non-committal or satisfactory, without lying.

Honesty is the best policy, until dementia strikes. There are ways to respond w/out lying, it takes time to adjust and use responses that will satisfy her. Just acknowledging what was said can work, but if it requires an answer, use a statement that will defer it. Don't try to argue or reason with her, most of the time it won't work.

The first real "thinking on my feet" happened 9 months after mom was moved to MC. She asked could I drop her off at her mother's on my way home. Her mother was gone at least 40 years by that time. I glanced at my watch, said it's a little late, not exactly on my way home, maybe tomorrow. She accepted that with OK. Then she asked if I had a key to her place, referring to a previous home (sold 25+ years prior!) I checked my lanyard and said not with me, I'll check when I get home. Again, OK, but stated she'd go stay there tonight if she had a key!

When she talk of others who were gone, I would primarily listen, or make non-committal responses. IF she asked about someone, like have I seen Mary recently, I could just say no, not recently. Not a lie, just doesn't say that the person is long gone!

As for finances, it may be too late to get that POA. It depends on the EC atty - mom already was in the early stages - we had POAs set up but had to do other legal things. The atty took her aside and questioned her, and when he was satisfied that she understood what she would be signing, he allowed it. Your mother may be beyond that at this point. So, the questions I have are:

1) What bills does she have?
2) What is her source of income?
3) Does she have to use any savings to pay bills?
4) Do you live together?

#2 is the most important. If her only income is SS, then the easiest solution is to sign up as Rep Payee. Call the local SS office and request this. I did NOT have to bring my mother with me when I applied. I brought lots of documentation with me, but they didn't look at anything. They ask questions and submit it. She'll receive notice that you've applied, but if you collect her mail, just hold it. Once approved, you set up a special Rep Payee account. The first payment will be a check, but then you can call the SS office and give them the routing/account information. You have to report yearly, but it can be done online through your own SS account and is not hard to do. Also, once approved, you are also privvy to her Medicare as well.

You should *NOT* be using your funds to pay her bills. YOU need that income yourself and presumably she has enough to pay, she just gets confused thinking she's already paid it!

Another option is to sign up for online access. This would be useful if there is another income source and/or savings needed to make the payments. This can often be done completely online - POA would be best, but we have to do what we have to do. The only other option would be to get guardian/conservatorship, which can be expensive, invasive and take time (expense would come from her assets, not yours.) If you can set up an online account, use the bill payer system to make the payments (I generally do not use the auto-pay/e-bill. I wanted the statements mailed, so I have records AND make the payments myself to ensure they are correct.) If she doesn't use email, set up an email account in her name, as this will be needed for the online system. IF you can do all this, then just take all paperwork (bills, bank statements, checkbook, etc) away. I did this when I had my brother take her out for the day - once all was gone, she basically forgot about it. If it comes up, some deferral (bills haven't come in) or fib (you don't have to pay these anymore, at your age!) Whatever works to keep her calm.

The goal is to avoid upsets, arguments, disagreements, accusations, etc. Deferring a real response takes practice, but you'll get better at it: haven't see the bills yet, they haven't come in yet, don't have to pay anymore, I'll look into it, whatever works.

Your question got a lot of good responses. I hope mine will help, too.

I cope with my husband's delusions by pretending to take them seriously, and reassuring him in a serious voice that all is well. He has zero short-term memory, so any conversations are forgotten within a few minutes anyway.

-- Yes, this is where you live. You are in the right place. No, you don't have to pay anything to stay here.

-- Oh, someone was supposed to come pick you up, and they're not here yet? Well, it's pretty late at night. I don't think anybody is coming. [Oh, yes they are! He was supposed to be here!] Well, we'll look into it first thing tomorrow morning. [Repeat, and embellish as needed].

-- Once, he told me, very anxiously, that he needed to get on a plane or a train to the United States. When I said we already live there, he would not believe me. I brought up a map of the U.S. on my laptop. He recognized the shape. I pointed to where we live. He said, "Are we going to stay here?" I said yes. That was what he needed to hear. Doesn't stop him from bringing it up again some other time.

-- Another time, he said he needed to the train station, to go someplace, he didn't know its name. I responded to the anxious emotion, not the nonsense. I said "Well, it's pretty late at night, the trains won't be running. I'll call for reservations tomorrow, OK?" That was what he wanted to hear.

-- The one thing I don't lie about, is when he asks for his mother or sister. To avoid endless questions about when he can go see them, I say right out that they have been dead for years. Once, I pointed out that if his mother were alive, she'd be 120 years old. But in his case, he seems to take this OK. If it ever upset him, I would come up with a fib for that, too.

CarylorJean: Imho, even though my mother was never dx'd with dementia, she had some strange behavior patterns in her elder years. She would say things like "I think my granddaughter's birthday is December 5." My response "Mother, you've known that her birthday is December 4 for 48 years." Mother "I think that person's name is Maltilda." My response "No, her name is Janice and you've known her for 75 years." So those are small errors. However, she used her COA's (Council on Aging) bookkeeper to balance her checkbook. So poor was this bookkeeper that she was off to the tune of $659 for 9 months. My mother's response "She'll balance on month # 10." My response "No, mother, she is finished."

When someone is found to have dementia, it is best for that LO to have a POA established as well as MPOA or DPOA and Living will or Advance Directives. If these have not been done, please try to get them ASAP. It would be wise to set up as many payments as possible through direct payment from her checking account. This would prevent loss of health or house insurance, etc. Go online & show her the current statement so that she can see if bills are paid. You can always say something like "Wait a minute, I'll be right back" when she catches you off guard. That will give you a few seconds to think. Or you could cough, fake a sneeze, etc. Good luck!

I have found my wife doesn't have much reaction either way when I tell her things because her emotions have pretty much gone. Likewise, I don't react when she says something that is completely ridiculous except for maybe suggesting, did you mean so and so? And if you fear upsetting her, just don't tell her unless you have to. Tomorrow is a new day!

Her brain is lying to her already.

I've reduced my replies to a smile and a few stock answers: if it has to do with her traveling or others traveling to see her, I say "oh that's nice" or "yes, okay". Repeat as necessary.

If it has to do with a discussion between us, like what's up with her finances, I asked her if we can have the conversation tomorrow morning when I've printed out her bank statement and bills paid. She always asks when and I always say tomorrow at 9 am.

I was lucky enough to request her financial power of attorney back when she could still sign for it. It sounds like you definitely need the assistance of a lawyer for the elderly who can show you how to take that power in hand without her signature. She is past the stage of being able to understand the reason.
I've been handling all of her finances for 15 years now. During the first year of paying for bills without her assistance, I did print up a spreadsheet every month, this progressed to where I kept one spreadsheet and kept telling her it was a new one every month, then we got to my just handing it to her and she would glance at it and say okay never mind ... nowadays she's not speaking much at all.

I don't necessarily consider them lies; I look at it at visiting an alternate universe (the world they live in) and giving the answer appropriate to their reality. In our world it may not be true, but their brain is broken and this is what is real to them. Don't argue - it will only increase the your mom's agitation and leave you totally frustrated. To HER it is ABSOLUTELY the TRUTH.

My father would become agitated because he believed he owed money to various fictional people, instead of challenging his view I'd just let him know that I had already written whoever the check - "the check is in the mail." When he called me late one evening saying he needed $660 immediately, I reminded him it was late and the banks were closed but I bring it to him first thing in the morning - knowing/hoping he would not remember the phone call he made. He didn't. Telling him these items were handled calmed his agitation - until the next time.

Sometimes trying to keep them safe from their own actions it is necessary to lie. Honesty is almost always the best policy, but with dementia - no always. Since dad's perception was not true I saw the answer was true for the perception.

I realize with your own health problems this is an added burden, but as much as possible go with the flow and have fun (when you can) visiting her world. Remember to take good care of yourself also. May you and your family be blessed.

It might be easier for both of you to go to her bank and get her set up for online banking so you can "monitor her accounts." You could say you are doing this to deter identity theft and thefts from her accounts (which you will do) but it will also be to make sure bills are paid and other financial matters are attended to promptly (which you don't have to tell her). You can also set up automatic payments of most of her bills with her bank or with the institutions/people she needs to pay.

As for reacting to untruths, I find it easier to just be noncommittal. I usually say something like, "That's interesting," or "OK (s in I heard you and not as in I agree with you)"... Usually, I try to change the subject to other less contentious topics.

Please make sure to have a power of attorney for finances and a power of attorney for medical decisions which were created by a local lawyer. If you don't have them, you will have more problems managing your mother's needs in the future.

My mom's doctor told me to view the lies that I had to tell her, when she had Alzheimer's, as creative story telling, as others have said, for her own benefit. When she'd get depressed and obsessed about a friend not calling her, I'd tell her that she's on vacation, and she'll call when she gets back. That allayed her distress for a while. This friend often did call, but since my mom would forget, I had to make up something in-between calls. I even wrote a book about taking care of her called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (I thought of the title when I was driving home from work 1 day, and I realized that my once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog. I have a chapter entitled "The Caregiver's Commandments", one of which is "Thou shalt not lie, unless you need to lie down" but I'd add, "or unless the lie is a necessity for the well-being of the Alzheimer's patient." Best of luck.

IF THE LIE IS FOR HER BENEFIT, I WOULD NOT CONSIDER IT A LIE.

Its time for either guardianship or representative payee of social security or POA of financial. I became representative payee for my brother in law on his social security because he couldn't handle money and he has dementia. Also I was told by social security that if anyone gets POA of financial they cannot get the social security once a person is assigned to this position it can't be taken away from them, How I know this family of my brother in law wanted POA financial to get a hold of his social security I will not give it up they were taking every money he had. My BIL has short term memory loss now that has gotten worse. If I didn't step in he wouldn't be in the place he is now.

The lies you are going thru right now is related to the disease. I have been dealing with it now for over 5 yrs and its getting worse. I just view it as I am watching a movie because I can't change him. Don't get stressed from it because it will get worse and you don't need that in your life.

Prayers that you find a way for your mother.

I learned in Care Giving Support Group that it is not lying, it is Fiblets. Fiblets are part of Care Giving, designed to enhance the joy and well-being of the one you love. So, do not feel as though you are lying. Feel as though you are cushioning her from a harsh reality. You are placing her in a gilded cage to keep her safe, happy, secure, and enmeshed in the world she has created for herself, where she is comfortable. Go with the flow. Live in her world when you are with her. My love, prayers and hope are with you both.

It takes practice to be able to think on our feet, as you describe so well. If you have the opportunity to take an improv class, it would be helpful. Especially if it is an improv class for dementia caregivers, but I think any practice at thinking on your feet would be helpful.

I paid my mom's bills for years (using her bank account), and no one asked if I had PoA. You can do a lot on-line because the computer doesn't know who you are as long as you have the password. I set up much of the on-line access myself. After my father died, I got my name on her bank account because she had trouble writing and that made writing checks difficult.
At first I "helped" her and used her computer, but as it became more confusing to her, I started doing it from my computer at home. Eventually, I found out that she was throwing away anything she didn't understand, like utility bills and credit-card statements, and I arranged for them all to come to my house.
There's a lot of great advice about going with the flow when our loved ones come out with really odd realities. I used to think my mother-in-law would forget things, and then her mind would stitch together unrelated events and she would come out with a really strange story.
Sometimes when my mom really harped on something, I found it useful to dig a little bit and try to figure out what was really on her mind. When she told everyone she had too much money and wanted to give half of it away, I talked with her about charitable donations, and what kind of charity she would like to support, and I wrote out a couple of checks for reasonable amounts. I showed her the envelopes as I put them in the mail, and never heard about giving away her money again. She just wanted to be generous.

Oh my word. My "never tell a lie" 91 yo father tells the most preposterous stories now that have a grain of truth and then he embellishes on it ( I think) to make conversation and to feel included. He remembers "working on the naval ship in 130 degrees, he lost 45 pounds in a day, every day, such and such happened in a dream so it must be true...."


I have to just grin ( privately) and nod . Acknowledge him as a person. And then change the subject. Because it's insult to correct ones elder... To him and it only alienates them. Because they are confused.
The changing of communication patterns is the most frustrating and incredibly challenging thing about dementia so far, to me! Husband, 61 w early dementia, who could juggle multiple businesses and complex tax and accounting tells me big tales of his next big project, an innovative way of doing this or that, starting a new business venture, with no rememberance of the new diagnosis and warning from the doc. We used to be able to logically talk these things out. But now he gets incensed if I question or correct or remind him that that part of life is going away. Last night I had to whisper to him to quiet him down at a wedding because he was talking loud and silly, joking inappropriately, and he acted like I slapped him in the face!
Changing how we talked and planned and discussed things together is SO SO SO hard because it's very different now!

Sorry I digress, I agree the new way of communicating is so strange, and is like learning a new language. I'm praying for you and thanking everyone so much for their ideas , support and letting us just get things off our chests.
I started keeping a journal and it really has helped get all this emotional garbage out of my system between the tears and struggle. Reading the 36 Hour Day.
Compassion and patience, prayers and some therapy is helping me alot. I hope you will be able to view your loved one with compassion and understanding.
Blessings..

So many good answers on here. I totally understand that being caught off guard, and also the always telling the truth. Same here.

But one thing I don't understand. She has dementia; why is she in charge of her financials? That needs to be changed. Dementia does not have the capacity to make decisions.

Could you make cocktail party (remember those or are you all too young) conversation rejoinders to off the wall people? i.e "Hmmm, something to think about. Very interesting, I will certainly look into it. Could be, you never know. I better check that out right away. You may be right. Let me see what I can do." People in memory care are not the only ones with off the wall ideas, just official at it.

It IS a conundrum - trying to be prepared in how to respond to a person's communications who has dementia. While it is one reason I love this work, that doesn't help families who are caught off guard due to being thrown into a new situation with no experience. Please note:

* Be kind to yourself. This is not easy by any means.

* Realize dementia (interactions) is learning a new language. And, the learning curve is intensely fast as there is little to NO prior LEARNING prep time. It happens and families are left wondering / perplexed: How do I DEAL with THIS? (Some call me to assist but not every can do that - of course.)

*Reframe many of your thoughts / words. KNOW THAT IT IS NOT LYING. The key you want to achieve, as much as possible, is keeping your mother calm and emotionally even. Never ever set up responses which result in HER arguing. She is right in how she thinks and believes IN HER HEAD. Period end of story.
This is what dementia 'conversation-ists / inflicted want to do. Argue. It is fear and the brain cells dying so the brain doesn't work as it once did (for that matter, neither does mine.)

* Give yourself "TIME OUTS" - if you mom says something that throws you off, say something like "Well, I never considered that point of view. I'll think about it. Thank you" and then CHANGE THE SUBJECT immediately. Be prepared in how you will change the subject.

* Watch TEEPA SNOW's video / webinars. She is the country's expert on dementia and how to interact with dementia inflicted.
- Buy a book on the topic.

* Believe me, I've been studying Teepa's materials for years and doing this work for more years and still get caught off guard. What I (try to) do is take my time and not respond too quickly, agree or REFLECT what you heard the person said as THEY WANT TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED -
- You are acknowledging that you heard them, not that you agree w what they say.
- Some of the 'good' aspects of these conversations is that the inflicted forgets the conversation so they let it go.

* Be prepared to change the subject - this takes practice.
- Role play with a friend, family member, or yourself.

These . . . situations come out in all kinds of ways. I have learned to SET BOUNDARIES on what I will and will not do (to degrees). While not so much a conversation or dialogue, I am working with a hoarder and she wants to 'pull me in to this maze' 'helping her as I do'. While it is a different scenario, we will find our way through - by going through in present time.

If you remember anything, remember this:
1) Do not argue.
2) Acknowledge feelings and words, i.e., "I hear you saying . . . " or "I will consider that" -
3) then change the subject to something pleasant for them.
4) Google Teepa Snow and watch some of her webinars.

Gena / Touch Matters

Put bills on Auto pay. Dodge confrontations with standard "Really? Let's look into that later"...and change the subject. "Mom, your hair looks great today."

CarylorJean, my heart feels for you. Been there, done that! I "promised" Mom I would never lie. So I spent about a year "correcting" her. IT DID NOT WORK OR HELP. Finally placed her in memory care, what a difference it made. They helped me find ways to answer and go along with her journey.
Strongly recommend 36 hour day, it is my go to book for coping! Get it and read it. First priority getting your POA in place ( I would not give her one over you, select some one else, she is probably more confused than you realize). And if you are covering her bills bad idea, ask an attorney about the spend down for Medicaid, you not only need to pay yourself back, you should be paying yourself for her care and expenses. Good luck, this is harder than you expect, get some professional advise.

Look, she is not lying. Your mom is simply confused and doesn't understand what is going on around her. Try to agree when it is not important and distract her onto different subjects. Almost everyone with advanced dementia is a "time traveller" and all you can do is try to figure out where in their lives they are and get beside them in as gentle a way as possible.

You have some good suggestions in the answers here. Consider them carefully and try to be calm and encourage your mom to be calm.

Prayers and best wishes

She has dementia and is never going to understand anything and it will get worse. Who cares what you say or don't say - won't mean a thing to her. Say what makes YOU feel good even if it is telling her off when you have reached your mental limits - at least it will help YOU to survive. She won't know the difference. Feel NO guilt. Just do what makes YOU at peace and ignore her rants - better yet, place her so YOU don't suffer from her behaviors, etc.

In terms of the bills can you suggest to her that tending to bills is time consuming and an inconvenience so you could help her enroll in an automatic payment plan?

The trick is to STOP CORRECTING HER!
If she thinks it, there isn't anything you can say to change what she thinks. If she thinks it, it's true to her so let her think it.
The only thing that one needs to be corrected on is their medication but I'm sure there's no problem there because I figure she's not in charge of her own medication.

Ask yourself is it better to be Right or have Peace?

My 96 yr old Dad will say things and I just let him tell the story his way. He is a retired fireman and once he was telling me about 100 fireman were dancing around downtown naked and I just said how did you hear about it and he said I read it in the paper and it was all over the TV. I said no I haven't heard about it and wow Dad, that's crazy isn't it and he saud yes it is and there you go, an intertaining story,
he also told me to not forget to tell my husband and I saud I would.
No Harm Done.
Remember they are in their own little world and unless it's harming themself or someone else, don't worry about it. Let them have their fantasy world.
LIke when you're a kid and believing in Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy....None of those things hurt me believing and talking about it.
Think of Seniors as big babies or kids.

Most are born in this world wrinkled and bullhead and pooping your pants and if you live long enough, that's how you leave this world

Do you have poa? Does she have online access to her accounts? If not set it up for her, set her ID & password and then you have access to keep eye on bills and pay electronically if needed. Even better, joint account (poa not required) but if that's not possible... work with what you've got. My best friend just started dealing with this exact issue with her parents. Father already has dementia now realizing mom may too. I had to start this years ago with my mom. She is on respite right now but will be back Thursday. It doesn't get easier but this issue can be an easier one to handle.
Important thing to remember... Pick your battles...
A little ppwk, little online access and u can be helpful without intrusive until needed. 🙋👍🙂
**Reminder this is my opinion from my experiences. Different things work for different people. The more suggestions the better chance of finding what works for your situation. Good luck!🌞