I am the sole caretaker of my 98 year old mother. She has lived with my husband and I for about 20 years. She was very independent (driving, shopping, etc.) up until about 7 ago when her health went downhill. Lots of pain from spinal stenosis and arthritis, bone on bone knee pain. She walks with a walker around the house, but goes nowhere except doctor appts. She fell and broke her hip a year ago, had surgery but hasn’t been the same since. She can go to the bathroom herself, but I have to help her with a lot of little things such as baths, putting her shoes on, putting in hearing aids, opening things as her fingers are numb and she constantly is dropping things. I make her meals, as she can’t reach the microwave and I worry about her using the oven and stove. After her surgery, I pretty much went nowhere as she was deathly afraid of falling again. I have just started going out for an hour or so close by to run an errand or two. Nine times out of ten, there was some kind of issue that happened while I was gone. She had considered AL several years ago, when she was in better shape, even put a deposit on one, then changed her mind and requested her deposit back. That’s another story for another time LOL. Anyway, I have the chance to take a cruise and would love to go as I haven’t been on a vacation in 10 years. My mother always says she knows it’s because of her that I can’t take a vacation. I have no family to help and she would not want strangers in. I want to bring up the topic of respite care at a lovely AL nearby, but she had such a bad experience in the NH rehab when she broke her hip last year I don’t think she would consider it. She told me to put a pillow over her face if she has to go to a NH again. I try to explain that AL is different from NH, but she won’t hear of it. I actually think AL would do her good as she would have peers to talk with, she always says she has no one to talk to except me and she knows she drives me crazy as all she talks about is her health, pills, etc. I’m just afraid pretty soon she will not be eligible for AL and would have to go straight to NH. At 98 she still has her mental faculties, gets a little confused from time to time and repeats herself, but on the whole is with it.
Basically, I guess what I am asking is how do I get over my guilt (I know, I know) and broach the subject of respite? She has lived with me for so long, I think she would have separation anxiety.
BTW, she has the finances to move to AL but she says it would kill her to give them $7-8K a month, she would rather leave it to me. She has been saving her money “so in case I have to go to a nursing home some day”.
Tell her this is the best option. You’ll come get her after, after which she can resume being a burden to you. The other choice is that she is moved in permanently.
It sounds as if you have good relationship with her, open and honest. That's a start. Simply talk to her as you did in your post and explain that you love her, but you really, really need a break. Talk to her about the time frame (are you thinking about making the AL a permanent thing?) and move forward.
Tell her you want her to spend her money on herself, not you.
And--NO GUILT. Guilt is for when you've done something wrong and you haven't and aren't going to!
You may want to take her to the one you plan on placing her. Have lunch or dinner there. This way she will see an AL is not a Rehab. I would be firm that you are going on the cruise and she will be going to the AL for the time you are gone. Tell her you love her but you need this time for yourself.
I was going to a nieces wedding 8 hours away. She had it at a resort. My Mom was in her mid to late stage of Dementia living with me for almost 2 yrs. Taking her to this wedding was not even considered. I needed this time away. So I went to an AL up the street to find out if they did respite care. They did and...were having a half off sale on room and board. With her care included, I could keep her there a year with hopes the house would sell for a second year. So instead of respite I moved her in. She adapted well and had more freedom than in my split level house. So, ur Mom may find out that she likes the place and stay.
You need to do this for yourself. I would place Mom a couple of Days before the cruise so u can pack and a couple of days after the cruise to rest up. If the cruise is a week, keep Mom at the AL for 2 weeks. Give yourself the break you need.
My mother is 97, lived on her own until she was 94, in the mountains of NC, you had to be a billy goat to get inside of her house. For 10 years my brother & I tried to get her to move to Fl and AL, nope.
She had a slight stroke became afraid to stay alone at night, we gave her an ultimatum, we finally had her where we needed her to be.
Scooped her up, placed her in AL near us. She loves it, has friends her own age, lots of activities, she even teaches chair exercises, she is a big gun there! Now she says "I wish I had done this 10 years ago!" Geesh!
Take your vacation, give her no option, time for you to take your life back, she is being selfish, and you are self-imposing guilt on yourself for no reason. You are imaging what will happen creating thoughts that are perceived, not confirmed.
This will also help get her acclimated to having help from others, too, so once you get back you can hire in-house assistance if you want.
DO not tell her in advance. I would tell her the day before as you help her pack her bags. Telling my mom anything earlier just leads to more and more questions, etc.
Tell her very clearly that you do not want her money. You need your life now and not waiting until something happens like another fall or her death.
Guilt and jealousy are useless, self serving emotions. If your mother goes on living, she will be in a nursing home soon, Give her a little taste of institutional living now.
BTW, my 96 year old MIL is cared for in her condo by a lovely woman and occasionally some of her daughters.
It seems like your Mom needs more than AL.
I would look into NH respite stay for your vacation.
However, it seems like she needs a lot more care/help long-term, more than what an AL will provide. I would think about whether you can continue doing what you’re doing in house. Her needs aren’t the only ones that should be taken into consideration.
I toured candidate places. I asked how I should broach the subject to my Mom to them. Their answers were indicative of the type of experience she would get.
The place I used for respite, was like an all inclusive hotel, complete with hair salon, nail salon and a dining room where you could choose your food from a choice of two meals and customized. We knew other people who had gone there. Coffee and tea was available all day. We called it a spa.
My Mom went to visit after my initial visit, and she was excited yet concerned that it was going to cost a lot of money. The cost wasn’t more than a mid-range hotel room and she would be pampered.
She was sold.
As far as her saying, "She told me to put a pillow over her face if she has to go to a NH again".........this is emotional blackmail at its worst. You've been nothing but gracious to house and care for this woman for ALL THESE YEARS for crying out loud, and THIS is the ** she doles out? I would not stand for that kind of talk, myself. She's this-close to needing a nursing home NOW; AL is for functional seniors w/o too many issues. So be very careful mother, b/c I'm burned out and you're an inch away from being smothered with a pillow.
I hope you have a fantastic vacation which spurs you on to book a lot MORE vacations in the future. Which spurs you on to keep mother in the AL permanently, if they'll have her, which I hope they will. Whoever thinks AL is some 'house of horrors' instead of the senior hotel it truly IS is sadly mistaken. My parents enjoyed AL for the entire time they lived there, between trips, activities, 3 hot meals a day, card games, dances, etc. We should all be so lucky in our old age to be able to afford such a lifestyle.
Well in my opinion you deserve 10 trips.
Similar situation, although it is my husband with Parkinson, almost 30 years younger than your mother, but, bad experience with Rehab facility. On my birthday some days ago, it happened KLM send me something and he offered to book me a trip, as special treat.
But, I am planning for later as well and his approach to respite is totally fine, just book and go, tell Mom truthfully you need a break, or breaks in my opinion.
Bon voyage!
Don't elaborate on the nice distinctions between NHs, rehab, assisted living and respite. "Mother dear, darling husband and I are going on our dream cruise from [date] to [date] and for that couple of weeks I have booked for you to stay at [name of facility, without label]. If you'd like to check it out before we go, the manager says we're welcome to have lunch in the restaurant at 48 hours notice."
The key point is that you tell her you are going, you don't ask for her permission. And you tell her what arrangements you've made for her support, you don't plead for her unalloyed approval. She is free, if she wishes, to come up with a better idea for herself - such as in-home care, at her expense - but she is not free to decide that the better idea is your not going on your cruise.
If you have any friends at all, ask if they would be willing to stay with her the 2 weeks and pay them for their time. Be honest with them that you have not been away for x number of years and want to take this trip. You might get some takers. How about church? Might be some folks there who could help out to cover the vacation. I would try to get someone to come in to help you - just so it's not such a huge change....house/location plus you being gone.
You've kept mom this long and I agree moving her at the age of 98 would be devastating this late in the game for her. She has some funds, so let her use them to give you a reprieve. YOu can also ask mom if she would stay at a short term assisted living just so you can take the trip - you might be feeling guilt over something she would be willing to do for you.
Still, I recommend you push for the AL as soon as possible. With my dad, it was a battle. (Heck everything with him was a battle.) But I let him hold me back from arranging it for too long. He would have loved it, if only he had given it a chance. He always wanted to be around other people, and my husband an I were both working for much of that time, but even when I quit my job, to handle it all, we could not provide the attention and caregiving every minute of every day, like he wanted. And he demanded far more than he actually needed. We barely had any kind of life anymore that wasn't designed around Dad's needs and demands.
Well I finally said, enough is enough, and found a wonderful place for him. The atmosphere there reminded me of a college dorm, with people active, talking and laughing; coming and going. The men all watching the big game in the TV room (with a six foot tall TV). Other's playing backgammon, in the card room. Ladies reading and knitting by a big fireplace. The dining room was like a very nice restaurant. And the cherry on top, by chance, it turned out a friend from Dad's old neighborhood lived there. It couldn't have been better. .....But Dad still fought it every step of the way, causing a big delay, that kept him at home for an additional two months...until Dad took a fall at home, that he never totally bounced back from.
He ended up in a different facility, one for peoplewith cognitive issues, (which had become much worse over time), and never really walked without supervision again. This facility was a nice place too, as dementia facilities go, but it wasn't the enjoyable life he could have had. And of course, being a higher level of care, it cost even more than the other place would have.
As for your mother claiming she'd rather you have the money, make it clear that you'd really rather have a LIFE while you still can ! Because, during the time that much of my life was overwhelmed by Dad's needs, I was getting older too, physically and mentally worn down by it all. By the time he was finally in the facility, and I was finally, finally done with clearing out the house, I was really no longer in the same physical shape to enjoy the things I used to love. And having given up my income for so long, (in the process drastically reducing the amount of social security that I qualified for) meant we were not in the financial position we could have been in. Arthritis has made long walks in the park only a source of more hip pain. Then cancer and all it's aftermath hit for both me and hubby. We've yet to see how this will go.
So all I'm saying is, insist on having a life for yourself, WHILE YOU CAN. There's nothing selfish about that. Do it, and no guilt.
Well, that IS giving the money to you, in a way. It gives YOU the ability to have some peace.