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I am the sole caretaker of my 98 year old mother. She has lived with my husband and I for about 20 years. She was very independent (driving, shopping, etc.) up until about 7 ago when her health went downhill. Lots of pain from spinal stenosis and arthritis, bone on bone knee pain. She walks with a walker around the house, but goes nowhere except doctor appts. She fell and broke her hip a year ago, had surgery but hasn’t been the same since. She can go to the bathroom herself, but I have to help her with a lot of little things such as baths, putting her shoes on, putting in hearing aids, opening things as her fingers are numb and she constantly is dropping things. I make her meals, as she can’t reach the microwave and I worry about her using the oven and stove. After her surgery, I pretty much went nowhere as she was deathly afraid of falling again. I have just started going out for an hour or so close by to run an errand or two. Nine times out of ten, there was some kind of issue that happened while I was gone. She had considered AL several years ago, when she was in better shape, even put a deposit on one, then changed her mind and requested her deposit back. That’s another story for another time LOL. Anyway, I have the chance to take a cruise and would love to go as I haven’t been on a vacation in 10 years. My mother always says she knows it’s because of her that I can’t take a vacation. I have no family to help and she would not want strangers in. I want to bring up the topic of respite care at a lovely AL nearby, but she had such a bad experience in the NH rehab when she broke her hip last year I don’t think she would consider it. She told me to put a pillow over her face if she has to go to a NH again. I try to explain that AL is different from NH, but she won’t hear of it. I actually think AL would do her good as she would have peers to talk with, she always says she has no one to talk to except me and she knows she drives me crazy as all she talks about is her health, pills, etc. I’m just afraid pretty soon she will not be eligible for AL and would have to go straight to NH. At 98 she still has her mental faculties, gets a little confused from time to time and repeats herself, but on the whole is with it.


Basically, I guess what I am asking is how do I get over my guilt (I know, I know) and broach the subject of respite? She has lived with me for so long, I think she would have separation anxiety.


BTW, she has the finances to move to AL but she says it would kill her to give them $7-8K a month, she would rather leave it to me. She has been saving her money “so in case I have to go to a nursing home some day”.

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You have taken wonderful care of your Mother. You definitely need a break! I recently left my soon to be 86 yr old Mother at a new respite care/AL facility for 8 days. She loved it!! They loved her as well, she sat in the lobby throughout the days and kept the receptionist company. She would never be that comfortable if I was there. She was in A/L before coming to our home but wasn't interested in the group activities and then began to stop going to the dining rooms for dinner. We had to buy her a $200 tray table to attach to her Recliner. Before A/L she was in an Independent apartment at the same facility, My Mom will literally use my day up discussing the same health issue and why other family members will not take back to her home state. She was there 7 months in her own home as I brought my Father our area, he was getting dementia and needed help. Not one family except my brother checked on her. Her fav subject each day is I want to go home and have my daughter take care of me.....hello your looking at her !! I literally drop every day this truly is the hardest job I've had! Although I had a baby at 27, 40, and adopted a baby at 45. I'm patient and very caring...its wearing very thin.
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There should be no guilt feelings as you've have given your life to your mom. tell her that you are going on a cruise. Hire an aide to help you out until closer to your departure date. Give her the choice of respite care at the cost of $xyz daily or admission to AL at cost of $xyz monthly. It's time for you to enjoy some nice things in life so you don't become resentful. Let her help make the right decision based on your needs for a change.
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I feel the exact same way..Whats a vacation I am made to feel guilty if I have lunch w/a friend...I was attending a grief class ( due to my wifes recent passing) and feel guilty thus I no longer attend. What friendships I had are drying up as I am a 24 hr care taker..Best wishes...
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AnnDylan Jan 2023
You have made a true sacrifice for your family member. When you can go out, meet up with a friend. Go to the support class you enjoyed attending, you so deserve that. My Mom sleeps very peacefully and is exhausted at 5:30. I use to hire a woman and pay her $20 an hr and she would see mom for maybe 10 minutes. We now go to dinner 10 minutes to our downtown. We have a camera in her room and security. Also a neighbors next door we can call if she was up. She's very safe with her walker, so for now we can go, I believe my Mom tries to put me on a guilt trip..even though I am that person in the family who has given up my freedom to assist our parents along with helping a brother who lives in another state with Bipolar. I wish you the best..you deserve it!
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Your mother says, "it would kill her to give them $7-8K a month, she would rather leave it to" you.

Well, that IS giving the money to you, in a way. It gives YOU the ability to have some peace.
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It will have to be respite care or 24/7 care takers while you are gone.
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You need to speak plainly and firmly to her, and don't back down. If is just for respite, say so, and don't feel guilty. It really will be the best thing for her. And essential for you. You deserve to have a life without feeling guilty about it. As for discussion of Assisted Living, that will be easier if the respite stay goes well. but be mentally prepare that she WILL find something, maybe everything wrong with it, because they really do not want it to be good.

Still, I recommend you push for the AL as soon as possible. With my dad, it was a battle. (Heck everything with him was a battle.) But I let him hold me back from arranging it for too long. He would have loved it, if only he had given it a chance. He always wanted to be around other people, and my husband an I were both working for much of that time, but even when I quit my job, to handle it all, we could not provide the attention and caregiving every minute of every day, like he wanted. And he demanded far more than he actually needed. We barely had any kind of life anymore that wasn't designed around Dad's needs and demands.

Well I finally said, enough is enough, and found a wonderful place for him. The atmosphere there reminded me of a college dorm, with people active, talking and laughing; coming and going. The men all watching the big game in the TV room (with a six foot tall TV). Other's playing backgammon, in the card room. Ladies reading and knitting by a big fireplace. The dining room was like a very nice restaurant. And the cherry on top, by chance, it turned out a friend from Dad's old neighborhood lived there. It couldn't have been better. .....But Dad still fought it every step of the way, causing a big delay, that kept him at home for an additional two months...until Dad took a fall at home, that he never totally bounced back from.

He ended up in a different facility, one for peoplewith cognitive issues, (which had become much worse over time), and never really walked without supervision again. This facility was a nice place too, as dementia facilities go, but it wasn't the enjoyable life he could have had. And of course, being a higher level of care, it cost even more than the other place would have.

As for your mother claiming she'd rather you have the money, make it clear that you'd really rather have a LIFE while you still can ! Because, during the time that much of my life was overwhelmed by Dad's needs, I was getting older too, physically and mentally worn down by it all. By the time he was finally in the facility, and I was finally, finally done with clearing out the house, I was really no longer in the same physical shape to enjoy the things I used to love. And having given up my income for so long, (in the process drastically reducing the amount of social security that I qualified for) meant we were not in the financial position we could have been in. Arthritis has made long walks in the park only a source of more hip pain. Then cancer and all it's aftermath hit for both me and hubby. We've yet to see how this will go.

So all I'm saying is, insist on having a life for yourself, WHILE YOU CAN. There's nothing selfish about that. Do it, and no guilt.
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AnnDylan Jan 2023
I am so glad I read one more Post. Thank you Doingbestican! Your words finally hit home for me. I'm reading this at 12;10 tonight. I'm so tired at 67 yrs old retired enjoying our life..we had just taken a trip across the West Coast 2 yrs ago and were loving our beautiful Motor Coach. We were gone 3 months, and needed to get home to check on my Mom in A/L. We walked in one day and she was just sitting on the bed with her head hanging down, and my husband said we're bringing your Mom home. I was so grateful! I wanted to give her all my attention and love, as we had always been so close. We decorated her room beautifully. We have an open large home so she can easily walk everywhere. It's been one year in January. She recently fell and fractured her pelvis..I was in her closet just feet away and she fell in her bathroom. She has recovered well and is back home after the hospital and rehabilitation. We have PT, OT, and RN visiting her here at home. Everyday is exhausting she has PHN from having shingles (Nerve pain under her arm). We have exhausted every new treatment...several that her doctor was not even aware of. My days are spent telling her everything we have done. She's constantly holding her chest.. we have used soft ice packs, pain patches, oral medications, Qutenza patches, needle aspiration, to alleviate this nerve pain nothing has worked. It comes and goes but she will talk and complain the entire day about her pain. Trying to help her walk bringing her to join us for all meals in her own special comfortable area, going outside on our porches..just trying to make her happy. I feel like I have given up my life for the past 8-yrs overseeing my parents care. Not one person in the family calls to see how their precious grandparents are but were furious when we moved them. Sometimes you just can't win. I'm going to take your advice and start having a life for myself...WHILE I CAN. Hopefully at some point I will have no guilt.
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Hire some people now to come in to assist her for longer periods of time - half a day then whole day. Let mom get used to someone else being there to help. Then use these folks to cover for your vacation.

If you have any friends at all, ask if they would be willing to stay with her the 2 weeks and pay them for their time. Be honest with them that you have not been away for x number of years and want to take this trip. You might get some takers. How about church? Might be some folks there who could help out to cover the vacation. I would try to get someone to come in to help you - just so it's not such a huge change....house/location plus you being gone.

You've kept mom this long and I agree moving her at the age of 98 would be devastating this late in the game for her. She has some funds, so let her use them to give you a reprieve. YOu can also ask mom if she would stay at a short term assisted living just so you can take the trip - you might be feeling guilt over something she would be willing to do for you.
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PennyBob Aug 2022
So, what do you do if she says she is not willing? My mother has refused to consider going to respite or going to my sister’s house.
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Justsotired: Imho, you should go on the cruise vacation. Your mother has already stated that "she has been saving her money so in case I have to go to a nursing home some day." So basically, she already okayed a nursing home if need be via that statement. Don't let the guilt trip of her stating to put a pillow over her face win.
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My Friend, I think you know the answer. You are putting your health and well-being in danger. When my mother, who is very small and I am very tall, came to live with us, I hurt my back and shoulder trying to get her off the floor, when she tried to go to the bathroom during the night and would not use the intercom to ask us to help her. She was not hurt, but I had to have rotator cuff surgery. You have to realize that your mom, if she were thinking as she did eight years ago, would never want you to endanger yourself, and would want you to enjoy YOUR retirement. We found a nice AL, and my mom moved in. We visit her, buy and take her supplies, take her to her appts., try to take her places, although she is getting too fragile. Is she happy? No, because she will never accept her limitations or loss of independence. But we cannot restore that, nor can we bring back my dad, who died after their 70th anniversary. It is what it is. Do we feel guilty? I know I do, because I am the daughter who is responsible for her care and the one whom my dad on his death bed asked to take care of her. I love her and wish I could be magic for her, but I can't, and that is something I have to deal with. But I know she is loved, she is as safe as we can make it be for her, and we just keep on plugging. We have not had a vacation since she had to move here, but, again, that is on us. Good luck to you, and realize that you are not omniscient, nor are you super-human, and your mom - in her heart of hearts - would not want to deprive you of anything.
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Similar situation but its only been since Dec before Covid that I have not had time off. My dads mobility went downhill a few months before mom passes. Dad is mentally competent, but his bone on bone has put him in a wheelchair and we use a sit to stand (Spyrte) We have a cruise I booked two year ago for the end of January. My son says he will come and stay with his grandad for a week. He works from home but wants me to bring some one in for two shifts during the day to cover dads needs from morning through getting dad in bed. So today we had started having part time care come in 5.5 hrs 2 days a week noon-through dinner. Then Saturday for 4.5 dinner to bed time. This is my start to getting dad acclimated to having someone come in. Today was a success for the care giver and dad. For me I was lost lol. After I got dad up and through breakfast. 9:30am until 7:30 pm tonight I am free. It was amazing and can not wait for Thursday. Baby steps is the way to go. The same girl is going to do the three shifts a week. By the time we cruise I hope to add more hours to cover the other time slots for while I am away. Good luck!
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You're tying yourself in knots and anticipating that she will turn you down flat and you haven't even said the "hello" part yet.

Don't elaborate on the nice distinctions between NHs, rehab, assisted living and respite. "Mother dear, darling husband and I are going on our dream cruise from [date] to [date] and for that couple of weeks I have booked for you to stay at [name of facility, without label]. If you'd like to check it out before we go, the manager says we're welcome to have lunch in the restaurant at 48 hours notice."

The key point is that you tell her you are going, you don't ask for her permission. And you tell her what arrangements you've made for her support, you don't plead for her unalloyed approval. She is free, if she wishes, to come up with a better idea for herself - such as in-home care, at her expense - but she is not free to decide that the better idea is your not going on your cruise.
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AnnDylan Aug 2022
Thank you! Tomorrow at 9:30 am I will be having a meet & greet with an In home care-caretaker. We have a trip planned in Oct. for 8 days. We had purchased a 40' RV to travel across the country, which we did last spring for 3 months. Shortly after Christmas, while visiting my Mom in A/L, Mom would not go to the dining room to eat. She began to isolate more..one day after visiting. My husband and I got in the car and he said we are bringing your Mom home. I was so happy, I felt relieved and now I could give her the care she needed and deserved. Previously, I had brought my Dad here. Mom stayed at their house for 6 more months. I drove the 13 hr trip up. I helped pack her up and list their house with a realtor. My husband drove up and moved my Mom down. She went into an Independent Villa at the same facility, and Dad was in Memory Care. Dad passed just a few weeks later he had dementia. He died of congestive heart failure. My Dad was wonderful, always interacting with others, funny, handsome , and a compassionate man. It was so hard that we lost him just weeks after Mom arrived. After a few years, Mom moved up to A/L, she had stopped walking up to eat in the dining room. Her good friend had left. Even though she had a full kitchen she was not eating/preparing anything to eat, they brought her meals, but she was not eating them. So we moved her to A/L. She broke her hip a a year later at the A/L while opening the door for her roommate. She can walk with her walker, make her bed, go to the bathroom. I have to assist with dressing, showering, and encourage her to come out to the kitchen to enjoy meals..although she does sometimes eat in her room. I have always taken her to all medical appointments. Her main issue is PHN nerve pain from having Shingles. She also has osteoporosis, and is on Prolia. However, I'm always extra careful that she doesn't fall. We just had our last child graduate from college, I've been raising kids for 40+ years. My husband traveled around the world, for his business and I held the fort down. I also attend to the needs of my brother in our home state as he has learning disabilities and bipolar. We provide him with a nice home that recently we had totally renovated, done by my older son. I have a lot energy. Recently I'm feeling like I could drop..between never really leaving this house, and constantly trying to make sure my Mom is happy. Fixing her hair, tidying up, giving her things to do. Serving meals back and forth..my husbands cooks like a chef..its crazy we are working harder than ever. She continually says do I have a home? When I assure her she lives in a beautiful safe home with your oldest daughter...she will use my name and say she does absolutely nothing for me. Then I have to explain..Mom I'm doing everything for you. Then she explains its my little sister but she can't remember her name..I've finally decided that I will be using a brand new facility right near me for respite care..and for long days at the beach, etc. I will have home care come. I thought they were a little ridiculous when they quoted me $4,000 for 8 day vacation, and rotating 3 people each day in my home. Not sure I will ever go that route. I will use the new A/L facility that's safe, sound, and less costly. I just told my Mom today..I need a vacation and rest, she seemed fine with it. Fingers crossed..
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10 years without vacay?
Well in my opinion you deserve 10 trips.
Similar situation, although it is my husband with Parkinson, almost 30 years younger than your mother, but, bad experience with Rehab facility. On my birthday some days ago, it happened KLM send me something and he offered to book me a trip, as special treat.
But, I am planning for later as well and his approach to respite is totally fine, just book and go, tell Mom truthfully you need a break, or breaks in my opinion.
Bon voyage!
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What a gem of a daughter you are and your mother is so lucky to have you. Can she pay for a full time caregiver in your home while your on vacation instead of putting her in assisted living? I hate to say this but you have dug yourself in with your mom given her age and assisted living would not be a wise move. You could also take her on the cruise with you with a full time assistant. That might be best for you as you will most likely keep thinking about her while on your cruise. If she is there with you and has a full time caregiver I think you would have a better time. Just make sure you get the right insurance in case she has to be medically transported.
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MJ has the best advice: tell mother you are going on a cruise, period. And she is going to go to an AL for respite for that time period, period. I would definitely NOT hire in home help because you have NO history with this person and no idea what will transpire while you're gone. With AL, there are teams of caregivers working 24/7 to accommodate your mother's needs. Done and done.

As far as her saying, "She told me to put a pillow over her face if she has to go to a NH again".........this is emotional blackmail at its worst. You've been nothing but gracious to house and care for this woman for ALL THESE YEARS for crying out loud, and THIS is the ** she doles out? I would not stand for that kind of talk, myself. She's this-close to needing a nursing home NOW; AL is for functional seniors w/o too many issues. So be very careful mother, b/c I'm burned out and you're an inch away from being smothered with a pillow.

I hope you have a fantastic vacation which spurs you on to book a lot MORE vacations in the future. Which spurs you on to keep mother in the AL permanently, if they'll have her, which I hope they will. Whoever thinks AL is some 'house of horrors' instead of the senior hotel it truly IS is sadly mistaken. My parents enjoyed AL for the entire time they lived there, between trips, activities, 3 hot meals a day, card games, dances, etc. We should all be so lucky in our old age to be able to afford such a lifestyle.
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Can you bring in a Caregiver while you go on this trip? No VACA for 10 yrs?? Makes me so sad.. I couldn't be so self sacrificing.. My Mom is 79 & mentally ill...so a diff experience all around, I have to think? Go on VACA!!! No one is guaranteed another day of life... I couldn't give up my work, Kids..future relationships with their sig others & G Kids all for my Mom... My Mom has the $ but horrible attitudes. Won't allow anyone to come help her ..yet.
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Oh, so a nursing home isn’t good enough for her, but it is certainly ok for you to go there. I’d kindly tell her that you are going on a cruise for sure, no if’s and’s or but’s. That the 2 options are have a stranger come in to care for her or respite care at the AL. I get so exhausted hearing and dealing with my own live in father in law of 95yrs manipulating and setting limits on what they will or won’t do. They wear us out and limit our joy to the point we are going to need a NH sooner than later.
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AL is different from a Nursing Home. However, during your and my Mom’s time, Assisted Living existed only for well-to-do families and it did not come with the amenities that we see today. Most rehab centers are only a step up from Nursing Homes and hospitals. AL life does not feel the same. That is my view of your Mother’s world (as it was my Mother’s recollection at the time.)

I toured candidate places. I asked how I should broach the subject to my Mom to them. Their answers were indicative of the type of experience she would get.

The place I used for respite, was like an all inclusive hotel, complete with hair salon, nail salon and a dining room where you could choose your food from a choice of two meals and customized. We knew other people who had gone there. Coffee and tea was available all day. We called it a spa.

My Mom went to visit after my initial visit, and she was excited yet concerned that it was going to cost a lot of money. The cost wasn’t more than a mid-range hotel room and she would be pampered.

She was sold.
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I would posit this as a free vacation at a senior hotel.
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Sounds like she is “with it” enough to talk about a long range plan that must start with compromise on her part. It is a long journey and you will have to take the lead.
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I’ve been touring nursing homes for my mother recently. At one of them, they told me that one of their clients stays there for a month every summer when her family goes away. She happens to love it!

It seems like your Mom needs more than AL.

I would look into NH respite stay for your vacation.

However, it seems like she needs a lot more care/help long-term, more than what an AL will provide. I would think about whether you can continue doing what you’re doing in house. Her needs aren’t the only ones that should be taken into consideration.
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Seems that you either have to "tell" her that she needs to allow others to help with her care. You might have a medical emergency or get sick... and then others will be taking care of her suddenly. It would be better to have "others" already helping out so you can have that covered as well as get some more free time. Together, you can select those "others" and make sure they are a good fit for your situation. Then, give her the choice of AL or allow others to come in to help. Make a chart with her about advantages and disadvantages of each. Then decide together which way to go. Give her a date that the change would start (way before your cruise) and make it happen.

BTW, my 96 year old MIL is cared for in her condo by a lovely woman and occasionally some of her daughters.
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Would you hesitate to leave your children with a babysitter so you could go out with your husband? I am guessing the answer would be "no". So do not guilt yourself over sending Mom to respite care. You want to honor her by providing the best care possible. Sometimes that means letting go and having others help.
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I think I really like your mother! Tell her you are going on the cruise and she is going to the lovely AL because you are not giving her the choice. Your mother is sharp but she wants it both ways and perhaps you do too. I think you basically enjoy your mother living with you.

Guilt and jealousy are useless, self serving emotions. If your mother goes on living, she will be in a nursing home soon, Give her a little taste of institutional living now.
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We had a situation where we had to leave my mom. I told her I was going with my husband and that I needed to find her a safe place to stay until we got back. She wanted a in home caregiver but I told her that wasn’t as safe and private and I needed to have peace of mind. The price of the in home help was greater than a facility. I made appointments at a few places and mom started to resist. I got upset and told her that she was breaking my heart if she was asking me to choose between her and my husband. My husband came in and asked her to please agree because he loves me and wants to take me on this special trip. My mom agreed and we set up the appointments. The first one was a 1 bedroom and had great ratings. Mom was so impressed and kept saying this was not what she expected. She moved right in (seize the moment). Because she is not social, I got a “friend” (visiting angel) to get her acclimated and show her around and get her in the social scene that she liked (music, animals). After 6 weeks, she was all in! She didn’t want to leave because it was so nice to have independence and her privacy. Now, I will admit living with me probably wasn’t that easy. i had her on a schedule that sometimes went well and other times didn’t because she resisted eating or drinking enough. We are a praying family and my husband and i prayed for mom to receive this if it was His will for her and us. I was so happy she changed her mind to stay and now she has been there 2 years. There are tax breaks for her if she itemizes even though she is self-pay. The facility will evaluate her and if she is unable to do ADL’s (3 min) that care will be deductible (keep up on the IRS rules so you don’t miss this). I know you are starting this as respite but it was less expensive to do this as the typical month to month rental. ALSO, ask the facility “what does mom have to do to get kicked out?” Ask, what happens if mom refuses the services you are paying for?”, ask what is their communication to the responsible party. I have a durable POA and am her Health Care Surrogate for mom. I finally ended up getting mom private care a few days a week to help her with showers, lotions and hair fixing. She bonded with the caregiver and it was quality care for 4 hours at a time. The facility care wasn’t cutting it and I was saving money with the private caregiver. The facility dispenses her medications. She loves the food, the ladies she sits with during meals and her private apartment. I am now her daughter and advocate and she is in the village of care that works. I take her to dental, derm and eye appointments and her doctor goes to that facility. (Check to see if her doctor is a doc to a facility). Mom’s place is not expensive and I am okay with that because the private care adds up but getting her room/board/medication at a less expensive price was agreeable to her (she wanted to know) and she never knew the private care was more. I handle all of her bills and it has been doable and a blessing. It is hard at the beginning but moving forward is the only way you can get the space you need and the space your mom didn’t know she needed. I did get her a Alexa Show so I can drop in and she can call me and we talk face to face. I call her daily but only see her weekly.
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You will just have to be assertive and tell her what's going to happen. Yes, she will not like it and may have separation anxiety. But YOU deserve to have a life too so take a deep breath and DO IT.

DO not tell her in advance. I would tell her the day before as you help her pack her bags. Telling my mom anything earlier just leads to more and more questions, etc.

Tell her very clearly that you do not want her money. You need your life now and not waiting until something happens like another fall or her death.
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Don't ask -- TELL -- Mom that you're going on vacation. TELL her you've arranged for her to go to the AL during that time, and TELL her she'll be fine.

This will also help get her acclimated to having help from others, too, so once you get back you can hire in-house assistance if you want.
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She won't die by giving AL 7-8K per month, she is gaslighting you. Also, it is up to you to plan for your future, the money she has is to be used for her.

My mother is 97, lived on her own until she was 94, in the mountains of NC, you had to be a billy goat to get inside of her house. For 10 years my brother & I tried to get her to move to Fl and AL, nope.

She had a slight stroke became afraid to stay alone at night, we gave her an ultimatum, we finally had her where we needed her to be.

Scooped her up, placed her in AL near us. She loves it, has friends her own age, lots of activities, she even teaches chair exercises, she is a big gun there! Now she says "I wish I had done this 10 years ago!" Geesh!

Take your vacation, give her no option, time for you to take your life back, she is being selfish, and you are self-imposing guilt on yourself for no reason. You are imaging what will happen creating thoughts that are perceived, not confirmed.
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You need to go on this cruise and she needs to go to the AL.

You may want to take her to the one you plan on placing her. Have lunch or dinner there. This way she will see an AL is not a Rehab. I would be firm that you are going on the cruise and she will be going to the AL for the time you are gone. Tell her you love her but you need this time for yourself.

I was going to a nieces wedding 8 hours away. She had it at a resort. My Mom was in her mid to late stage of Dementia living with me for almost 2 yrs. Taking her to this wedding was not even considered. I needed this time away. So I went to an AL up the street to find out if they did respite care. They did and...were having a half off sale on room and board. With her care included, I could keep her there a year with hopes the house would sell for a second year. So instead of respite I moved her in. She adapted well and had more freedom than in my split level house. So, ur Mom may find out that she likes the place and stay.

You need to do this for yourself. I would place Mom a couple of Days before the cruise so u can pack and a couple of days after the cruise to rest up. If the cruise is a week, keep Mom at the AL for 2 weeks. Give yourself the break you need.
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Well, at age 98 if she has been saving for a rainy day--hon, it's pouring right now!

It sounds as if you have good relationship with her, open and honest. That's a start. Simply talk to her as you did in your post and explain that you love her, but you really, really need a break. Talk to her about the time frame (are you thinking about making the AL a permanent thing?) and move forward.

Tell her you want her to spend her money on herself, not you.

And--NO GUILT. Guilt is for when you've done something wrong and you haven't and aren't going to!
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She is weaponizing suicide. That cannot be allowed. You have gone 10 years without a break. Obviously you need one.

Tell her this is the best option. You’ll come get her after, after which she can resume being a burden to you. The other choice is that she is moved in permanently.
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