How do we deal with Mom being scared of being alone at night?

Can you maybe hire an aid two or three nights a week from about 7:00-10:00 to be with her? It may help her to know that she won’t be alone every night and with time she may adjust and feel differently. It could also be anxiety triggered by the feeling of being alone. There are medications that can help with that and calm her mind in the evenings.

This feels silly to say since my mom would hate it (opposite of social butterfly) but might she do better with a room mate? I love the older pet idea as well and I’m suggesting one or the other not both. I imagine growing up in a big family with no privacy, then getting married and raising children makes for a huge adjustment when you are left the only surviving spouse even if it’s just silent company while you watch tv. I was going to ask if she was getting enough stimulation during the day, maybe keep her engaged all day so she’s more tired at night but on further reading it doesn’t sound like she’s lacking daily activity. I sure wish you luck in figuring this out having to be on the phone with her every night for company, I know how much of a distraction from you own home life that can be but especially while your parent is in tears on the other end. My heart goes out to you both but it does sound like other than evenings she’s thriving in AL.

So sad when people get old and are away from their families

Hi, I wish I had answers for you. My mom is 89 and lives alone. Unlike you, I’m two streets away. In the last year or so, mom has also become very afraid of being alone. She doesn’t want to live anywhere else, and, I feel that a new environment would only make things worse for her. I’m with her everyday and it’s gotten to the point where she wants
me to stay and tuck her in at night. (Wow, how our roles have reversed!)
Maybe we can brainstorm? I’ve recently started looking into how I can help her.
I like that you call here at night. It’s a lot on your plate, but, it’s what we do, right? Hang in there and just love her!

Cindy W

My Mom has similar issues. It used to be morning anxiety and now it's turned into evening anxiety. I try to visit later after work and it seems to help. The other former caregivers are also paid by me to visit but they are both around 80 and won't come late.

Sadly, it does seem that after dinner they are 'done' for the night and in PJs too early.

I’m not sure I understand if she is scared or bored from your comments I understand the environment she’s in as my dad is in LTC and at night time it’s the saddest thing to see them pack them up for bed at 6 pm , whether they want it or not . It’s like a ghost town by 6:30 I think trying to assign alternate caregivers or family is a great idea that others suggested . I think speaking to the home about this is important . They maybe have some way they can help keep her entertained and feeling comfortable at this time . It’s not unreasonable to want to be up and doing something past 7pm. In Lew of that , Maybe she needs some activities in her room to distract her ? My mom loves the Hallmark movie channel and it’s a regular nighttime activity for her . We got her snacks and hot chocolate to make it feel like fun activity . Does your mom have any hobbies like knitting ? A sign her tasks for things that need to be done like a scarf or simple items that give her a sense of purpose and will keep her distracted that she can do at night . Ask her to tell your kids a bedtime story over the phone 1 night a week so she knows that is happening and planned for . When she knows it’s accounted for time her anxiety might decrease knowing something is planned a head of time .
if she is scared , it’s different. then she needs way to feel secure . We put a plug in system that rings a chime if anyone opens the door at my mom . It makes her feel like she is more aware if someone where entering her home . You could go as far as a camera security system that she feels someone else is watching over her . A lifeline device she can wear at night in case she has an emergency to ring . . It just depends on her concern .
good luck I know it’s not easy

She can't just watch TV by herself? My mom is in AL too and she's a social butterfly but at night she finds something interesting on TV and does that. I call her every night at 9 just to check in. If it's just that she's scared you can call her 2x in the evenings. Would that help?

There may be volunteers who go by to visit facilities, or maybe just to call and say hello. Look around and see if you can find such helpers. If it's a phone visit, they wouldn't have to live in the area. I think I've heard of such a service, like senior-to-senior matchups for phone buddies.

Is there a specific reason it wouldn't be fair to the animal as in, she would neglect it or something? I mean, if it is okay for a human to live in an AL studio-room, an older adopted kitty who likes to laze about could probably do well. In the county my mom used to live in there was an adoption group who specifically focused on matching older pets with older adults, to the point that they would show up once a week and bring supplemental pet food / litter / even treats and toys sometimes for the cats and dogs that were living with the seniors, so they were able to find homes for older pets, and seniors could adopt an older pet without worrying too much about food and care. (Sam's Hope in Wyndmoor PA) My mom came with a cat already :) and they still helped her with pet food and litter - bringing the litter to her apt was a godsend as she wasn't able to lift it anymore even back then.

Its the Dementia. Maybe she would do better in Memory Care.

Yes, usually after dinner the aides start taking the residents back to their rooms to get ready for the night. The put them in their PJs and robes and then they watch TV for the evening. I do that myself. We eat dinner in or out. Its 7pm by the time we get done dinner and clean up. Or get back from eating out. I get my PJs on and the rest of the night is watching TV.

Is she scared, or is she just frustrated? Is she scared of something specific? If she just needs the company, maybe you could ask other folks to call her…Grandkid #1 on Mondays, Niece #3 on Tuesdays, that kind of thing.

But being afraid is part of dementia, as I'm sure you know. One thing that helped my aunt was a very plush stuffed animal (it was a dog). She held that thing and stroked him, and it did a lot to soothe her. She was pretty far gone at that point, and she might have thought it was an actual puppy, but it worked.

First I have to tell you that I laughed out loud at someone staying up until 9:00 p.m. being called a "night owl." I guess perhaps when you're really old that might be the case huh?
Have you considered hiring a "sitter"(with your mothers money of course)to come in for a few hours nightly that can sit and keep her company? That would get you off the hook from having to call her every night and having to listen to her cry. And it would give your mother the social interaction that she craves.

RST888, I use to be a night howl by staying on my computer until midnight researching this and that. Recently I became addicted to the old Perry Mason series, filmed in the late 1950's. So I curl up in bed at 8pm and watch the show, and a 2nd one comes on after that. Usually I fall asleep during the 2nd show. By going to sleep early all these months, I am now up with the chickens.

Therefore, your Mom needs to find something of interest to watch on TV and curl up under the covers to watch. It will take time for her inner clock to adjust. My Dad lived in senior facilities and he referred to it as his college dorm, and he never felt alone as there were so many people living around him just a door away.