My husband and I cared for my MIL in our home for two years. She was on 17 pills a day as well as on oxygen, insulin shots, and dialysis three times a week. She would have died years earlier without the medical interventions that she had. On the up side, she was mentally sharp until the end.
After watching her wither and become isolated, I feel like I would rather pass away more quickly than live longer with a lower quality of life.
Have others had thoughts about how they look at their own aging process?
Everyday I dread going to bed because I have to wake up and deal with her care, and I often only sleep a few hours because of the stress. Every single moment I care for her is extremely stressful not knowing she will fall because she needs maximum help. My life is terrible misery, but I cannot imagine life without mom. You see I never moved away from home. I always been with mom, so how can I cope with her loss. I guess I'm going to have to. Death comes when it comes.
God bless you both.
My standard saying is "we’re living too long". There’s no need to live into our 90’s and 100’s. Truly! I plan to have enough pills to transition from this world if my life has no quality. I don’t want to just exist waiting for the end to come.
I have longevity in my genes so who knows and I’m pretty healthy. I just want to have joy and gratitude in my life. Dying from dementia and waiting until it takes you is the pits and no way to live.
Stay strong: Work out with weights to help avoid balance and walking issues. What quality of life is there once you rely on a walker or are taking regular falls and breaking bones?
Have a good attitude: You are gonna get older, no way around it. Stay vital and active, engaged, positive, learning, etc. Don't constantly say "I am too old"...
I know people in their mid-80s who still have a good quality of life. I know people in their 60s with bad attitudes, lack of motivation, and just waiting to die. You do have some choices.
Yes, I've decided to take the best care of myself possible. I lost 60 lbs and am getting regular daily exercise and eating a lot less processed foods, going healthier.
I'm 67 and on no medications other than Flonase (at the moment) and I'm determined that when I'm 87, I will know who I am and where I live. When my body has had enough, I will not take "heroic measures" to be here longer, to me that is not living.
It's often so difficult to care for a family member on your own- people work and have enough stress in their lives and are suddenly in the position of being sole caregivers for a parent with declining abilities- this forum is riddled with stories of people desperate for help from family that just isn't there.
We live longer but at what quality of life? Who wants to end their days as a burden on their children?
You can also borrow against a Universal life policy to help pay for end of life care. So besides having a medical POA, Durable POA and end of life directives and cremation paid for in advance. I plan on Euthanasia after I sign my DNR. They use the same drugs as hospice just in a more concentrated form. After watching hospice - to me it looked like a painfully slow form of assisted suicide. Join the organization Death with Dignity if you want to have the choice of Euthanasia someday in your state.
FIRST clear sign of mental imparement, will find exit.
I’m being silly. Dancing like no one is watching. Forcing myself to be more extroverted. ENJOYING LIFE!!!!!!
I want to remain at home until the day I pass. Of that I'm sure. So my goals based on my observations and experiences taking care of my 96 year old mother with dementia and 102 year old deaf but extremely active and engaged father (who has been volunteering over 25 years with meals on wheels), as well as their experiences interacting with the medical system, is to make sure that we create regulations that respect our autonomy and treat us respectfully with help in our homes if we desire or need it but with people trained and of the highest quality, background checked in a system that constantly updates and with wages that allow THEM to live independently. Stop worrying and enjoy life and do what you can to make the future better!
i am 66....retired and my wife is 71...
our daughter is about 1500 miles away...
My wife is at a stage where I provide
assisted living...she can’t drive....etc.
I am a in excellent health (as is my Dad at 96)....and have been an active runner since my early 40’s...
Care giving brought me to a sudden awakening recently...
If something happens to me...what will my wife do?
She is not self sufficient anymore more.....my daughter is not in a position to help...and besides..it isn’t her strong suite...
So, being a care giver...has caused me to have an awakening...
I need to prepare all our legal paperwork...and assign a legal representative to handle our affairs (if I go first) and for me (if my wife goes first)...
I know that I donot want to “just hang on as end of life approaches)...
Yes. The more plans you can make NOW, the better the 'end of life' stages go. My husband died about 20 years ago, when we were both 37. THANK God he did all the preparations before the end. I will forever be thankful for his understanding of showing me where water turn-off valves were in the house, to how basic computer skills could help me, to how bonds differ from stocks with the little money there was at that time.
So, yes, to everyone out there. The most helpful, loving, and CARING thing you can do is make plans for the inevitable. This might be next week (see 9/11/2001, God Bless their souls), or it might be in 30 years, when every five years the plans you make for a spouse, will be updated.
I cannot see,
I cannot pee,
I cannot chew,
I cannot screw,
Oh my God, What can I do?
My memory shrinks,
My memory stinks.
No sense of smell,
I look like hell.
My mood is bad, can you tell?
My body's drooping,
Have trouble pooping.
The Golden Years have come at last,
The Golden Years can kiss my ass!
Mom mom and I read this poem daily for a laugh. Her memory is so bad it is new to her each day, of course;)
(My dad killed himself in '79)
Since you write, very early, that your religious beliefs, do not "allow" you to kill yourself, I feel this is the place you need to go to find peace, hope and help. I am assuming you find that in the Bible each and every day and that someone picks you up, or visits from your church often. Since you mention being alone, I think an AL place would be so helpful to you. Obviously you don't have kids or grandchildren visiting since they often bring purpose to one's life. I will have neither as I get old, but I am hopeful that an AL place will be right for me. My best to you as you navigate this end of life stage that is so hard for anyone.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Grace + Peace is more than enough.
Veda
"It's not the years in your life, it's the life in your years"
I feel your expectations of "quality" change as the years go by. I feel it's God's way of adjusting to the ageing process.
I just hope I don't become a burden to my children and God takes me before hand.
For example, my 87-year-old FIL doesn't get enough liquids into his diet. I have been able to get him to increase his liquid intake slightly, but it's still far below what he should be getting. He's just not used to drinking water by itself. Currently, his main sources of liquid are milk, coffee, decaf coffee, wine, and melons, with soup thrown into the mix every once in awhile. (He's not big on soup.) It's not enough, and it would be good if he could just drink water.
I will not:
*Ignore my health issues and let them become debilitating
*Let myself become immobile - without a huge fight!
*Repeat the same darn stories OVER and OVER, even when told I have already told it - save my children's sanity
I worry about what will happen to me all the time since taking care of mom the last 12 years (and taking care of kids before that), without pay does not provide any resources for my old age.
I, too, hope to remain active and productive or not be around at all. I do want to watch my kids and their kids continue to grow, But not from a wheel chair.
The trouble is, my health alarms are never something I can fix quickly.
My recent labs show a decline in kidney function and explains a lot of discomfort I have. The info I’m finding online says to eat the exact opposite of what I’ve been focusing on in our diet!
And, here’s the real crazy thing: what I was reading online sounded a lot like some symptoms mom has that her doctor has never addressed for her. I pulled her lab reports and her kidneys have not been functioning well for years! As far back as 2009 she had red flags on her reports but I didn’t know what they meant.
(I think her doctor has been expecting her to up and die for years now and holds back on some treatments. If he was correct I would applaud him, since she’s still kicking, I wish he’d make sure she’s more comfortable. )
Neither of our doctors gave us any advice except to adjust meds and drink more water. The dietary changes I’ve read about online will be a slow process and may be too late to do much good.
My biggest concern about this is that it effects my energy level and defeats my goal to remain active. I still have mom to care for! I need to be healthy and feel good to be any use to her. That much is certain.
If I age like my mom, she is 93 and still has her mental faculties and physically is mostly weak, I have many more years to look forward to. I don’t want to spend them feeling like a slug.
Charlotte
I'm exhausted after only 14 months having mom living with me.
I thought I was up to the task, a complete new appreciation of caregiving has been defined!