My husband and I cared for my MIL in our home for two years. She was on 17 pills a day as well as on oxygen, insulin shots, and dialysis three times a week. She would have died years earlier without the medical interventions that she had. On the up side, she was mentally sharp until the end.
After watching her wither and become isolated, I feel like I would rather pass away more quickly than live longer with a lower quality of life.
Have others had thoughts about how they look at their own aging process?
Sorry to be so grim & negative!!!
I'm going to ask this over dinner tonight.
I suppose if you can't do it yourself - like everything else (shopping, cleaning, home maintence, driver to appointments etc) it's either family, friends or paid people/professionals. (Although would have to be a VERY good friend for toenails!!!)
Being old and able to still go to the bathroom and fend for myself, I posed this question to my adult children. It started an interesting conversation. Immediately, they all answered, "I'll do it myself." I laughed. The optimism of youth.
If you are housebound, have a difficult time showering and keeping up with daily hygiene how are you going to "cut your toenails?"
There are so many frustrating issues that everyone will face inevitably. The questions about money and wills are the most insulting. The elderly are not the lottery, nor does anyone deserve anything. Spend every cent you have on taking care of you.
Plan for your latter years. Hubby may not be there. It's a travesty we do not have death with dignity laws in all states.
You can go your whole life and never think you and another sibling will be arguing over who Mother's caregiver will be. Money sheds a whole new movie.
Being a caregiver is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. Never let money be a thought. It changes people. Saddest thing I have ever seen a family go through. Meanwhile, a lot of children are at the lawyers office trying to get POA or a will signed. Karma takes care of all of us. We get what we give. If you feel cheated, then you thought about cheating. No easy way. Nursing homes, assisted living or with a relative, the elderly know they have overstayed their welcome as soon as they have a need. Bless you all.
Hillary sitting there in her sunnies at the beach...
As you can guess, things changed drastically in the past 5 years. I am still taking care of him and he continues to deteriorate slowly. About twice a year he is in the hospital and was diagnosed with COPD (emphysema) last year after 2 bouts of pneumonia and two respiratory arrests. One respiratory arrest occurred in the hospital after I took him there when he had a seizure in the vehicle the other arrest happened in the vehicle while I was taking him to the ER for another seizure.
My husband (74 yr) has urinary incontinence, walks with a walker, and cannot remember our grandchildren and often doesn't know me...we've been married 44 years. He requires assistance remembering what to do for personal care...brushing teeth, changing pads, taking a shower, etc. It is devastating to watch a strong capable man deteriorate and become so dependent. I no longer have dreams of things I'd like to do in retirement; I get up each day and talk myself into going into the bedroom to see if he is still breathing. I hate the thought of losing him and I fear the prospect of him deteriorating further. Fortunately, he is fairly happy when he is awake; I talk to him although he doesn't always know what I'm talking about. So, I am very grateful that he isn't angry or abusive....he did go through a period of those behaviors after the stroke, but is much more docile now.
Taking care of my husband is my life...I have no idea what I will do when he is gone. Furthermore, I'm totally afraid of my own aging. I don't want to become dependent like my husband....I can't imagine my son or his wife taking care of me and I hope they don't have to.
I appreciate reading everyone's comments...I do believe in an eternal life....I just don't like the journey to arrive there.
It’s hard on those left behind because we only can communicate in physical form and there is no “intermingling” between the two worlds. But no pain, only peace sounds like a great ending.
Caregiving is exhausting and time waits for no one...
We don't foresee into the future ... and, all of a sudden... some of the Best years of our youth are gone... (which includes our dreams, opportunities, desires, visions, happiness...)
Thought this was an interesting take;
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/06/23/323330486/how-a-womans-plan-to-kill-herself-helped-her-family-grieve
(hope it's okay to post a link)
If I have the difficult choice to make like this woman did, I can see following her path.
The LO's we're all caring for now also swore they'd never be a burden, but they don't know they are a burden, probably because family members don't tell them AND because they have dementia and things just don't make sense anymore.
To someone who has been lost to dementia or Alzheimer's everything is frightening, change is frightening, and they've got a white-knuckled grip on life. Letting go isn't really even in the cards when you reach that point.
I’m sorry about your mother’s passing. May she Rest In Peace.
It is difficult to watch and go through someone dying. I’m glad her suffering (and yours) is over.
Hugs 🤗
We are doing the junk removal now and have all our papers in order.
My parents have been in denial about their limitations for the last 25 years. When they were 68 and 70 respectively, they got a Rottweiler puppy, who they were unable to walk or take to the vet when he got old enough to need more assistance. They also bought a house that had been lived in by another elderly woman who'd died, so the house was very poorly maintained. They were unable to keep up with the maintenance and decided to deny all issues with the house. The upper half of their double oven has not worked since they moved in 22 years ago and there are plumbing and electrical issues throughout.
not able to move without assistance, or not lift a cup to their own mouth,forgetting how to swallow ,the loss of dignity. Im a different person today ,I know in my heart that our bodys break down just like an old car,but our spirit lives on so Yes death can be kind..
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I am not a caregiver, but I did get trained and certified so I could help my parents out. My mom broke her hip in 2016 and did not receive even average care at the SNF. Once home she lived 15 months and spent 6 weeks on home hospice. After the poor care my mom received in two facilities, my dad, myself and a most beautifully intuitive, experienced, kind and patient caregiver did our best to get my mom up in her wheelchair, to the commode, the dining room for meals, outside for sun, in the den for nighttime TV, all up until 4 days before she passed.
The caregiver my mom had while on home care was answered prayer. The glue that bound us together through the mess of recovery and sadly, death.
Thank you for what you do, for your dedication to not just the patient but to the family dynamics!
My dad and I still make plans and visit with my mom’s caregiver,
though my mom has passed almost a year.
Good nights and I live yous were always in the equation at the end of the night.
When my mom was sent home from hospital with fast growing tumor that metastasized to her brain... the caregiver made her schedule more available to my mom’s needs. Four days before my mom passed she needed to be cleaned up a little and cool cloths placed on her. By this time my mom was in some pain and didn’t want to be touched. I couldn’t do it alone and my dad is too old at this point. The caregiver stopped by after her overnight job to help me clean up my mom each morning until my dear mom passed.
I know caregivers do not get paid their worth and that is truly tragic!
God bless you and keep you.
Realizing the type of care often required for an elderly individual, I have a long-term care plan. I intend to remain in my 2 bedroom condo instead of moving into an assisted living. The long-term care plan gives you the option of home care.
I also watched my mother wither away and tried to keep her spirits up. While she was able, I'd take her out for meals and provided a scooter for her to feel as though she had some independence. But eventually she became bedridden and spent the last few years as a patient in a nursing home which greatly distressed her.
I can only hope my remaining time towards the end of life is not a long downward spiral into becoming bedridden.
Something he shared with me:
What we say we want when we are younger thinking about being older, is not the same as what we want once we become that age. The human soul, mind, body, brain, etc. has a HUGE desire to stay alive. It is not something you can do about it. An example of this is being a young adult and listening to one's parents lecture about credit rating, what insurance to buy, or maybe how a particular person might not be the best match based on something they notice. At that age you PROMISE, you SWEAR, you YELL and SCREAM to anyone who will listen that you will NEVER say any of these things to your own children. Yet.....fast forward 25 years and you find yourself doing, saying, etc. the EXACT things you promised you would NEVER say or do. We do not have the ability to know circumstances, thoughts and feelings of us decades later. When we are young we have youth, fitness, great memory, etc. When we are at the end of our lives we have wisdom of 80 or 90 years of life on earth. The cycle of life is different for everyone. I can only ask everyone on here to communicate, love, share, give hope, and so many other things we have to offer today as we do our best to plan for our futures.
Foxxmolder, sorry you experienced the pain of a loved one's suicide. That is not this. And there is no grand lesson in taking care of someone like I'm doing, other than don't ever take it on in the first place. Just keeping it real.
With the Governor’s signature, Maine became the 9th jurisdiction to allow people with a terminal illness to die the way they want: without suffering, in peace, and with dignity. Nearly 70 million Americans now live in a state with an assisted dying option.
These days I am caregiver to my 82-year-old husband, 8 years my senior, who suffers from dementia is losing mobility due to almost complete inactivity, and is becoming more and more reclusive daily. I have made certain that he and I both have in place living wills, medical powers of attorney, and a printed state form that reinforces our no-extraordinary-measures wishes. While I remain completely active and capable, I know there are no guarantees, and this whole process is indeed taking its mental toll on me. While I don't feel either of us should resort to suicide, I do very strongly believe that Mother Nature is far more reliable than medical practitioners who strive to prolong life at any cost.