My husband and I cared for my MIL in our home for two years. She was on 17 pills a day as well as on oxygen, insulin shots, and dialysis three times a week. She would have died years earlier without the medical interventions that she had. On the up side, she was mentally sharp until the end.
After watching her wither and become isolated, I feel like I would rather pass away more quickly than live longer with a lower quality of life.
Have others had thoughts about how they look at their own aging process?
I do all recommended preventive test and immiunizations. I cultivate friendships and family relationships that are adult and reciprocal. I am active in church, community and professional groups. I have been an active YMCA member. I am deeply spiritual and connected to nature and the belief that all is temporary and constantly changing. I trust in myself and ability to handle life with a can-do, nonworrying nature. I feel a lot of agency about my own life, the result of sheer will and belief that I totally accept responsibility for my life. I am very grateful for all around me and enjoy every moment. The biggest lesson? People regret more of what they don t do than what they do. Tomorrow is not promised, I am in the living room, not waiting room of life. Last few years I have made special effiort to try new things: helicopter ride, paddleboarding, talked 6 friends into zip lining, travel. I am trying to understnad others and listen more. I actively engage others of all ages as we need community to make it. Learning to graciously and gratefully acceot help is also a skill.
Saying THANK YOU, I love you, I am sorry, are among life's most underused words. I try to be kind and appeciate that we re all aging( if we are fortunate, as many do not have the opportunity.
My parents also taught me to not allow others to do things that I should be doing for myself in life.
I have a tremendous curiosity about the world and love to learn new things. There is joy and beauty in every day.
I also live simply and well below my means, and have the resources to travel.
If you do not pay attention to YOUR health, you will be spending all your money and time with the broken medical system.
I have devoted my GNP/ANP career to making health care better for older persons, after over 40 years in nursing, there is a far way to go.
Ageism is rampant; do not accept substandard care or condescending attitude. I have used the Zoc doc app to find excellent providers.
I treasure older persons and love their stories and courage. My Mom lived to 99 and was able to be in her own home until the last 7 months.
Read Victor Frankel's book, Man s Search for Meaning. One of his observations in the concentration camps was that those who helped others survived longer...
Kathleen D., Brooklyn, NY
And 60 is not the new 30. It never was.
I am in agreement it’s you. This has been a grueling process. I have said many times, I would much rather die of a heart attack....
No DNR
NO DNI
NO FEEDING tube
No dialysis
When I cannot toilet myself
When I have lost my faculties
As you can see, it has seriously affected me.
At 76, I am power of attorney for a 92 year old friend of mine and he keeps telling me the only thing I need to do is live as long as he does. He's in a memory care apartment, but physically healthy. I am in charge of his health and finances as he has no children or close relatives.
We never know what role we may be called upon as we age. Helping others is a priority in my life and has always been. My wife and I made our home so we could "age in place" as one option.
It is not only important to serve others, it is important to be served when the time comes where you might need it. We have no idea what that might look like. We have two distant, young grand-children who may have a role or opportunity should our needs require outside care. While we are here, we can love them--which helps nurture their souls--and perhaps they will be able to return that love later if we need loving care.
Seeing to my friend's care is not a burden to me. It is an opportunity to serve. Since he is healthy, there is little I need to do except visit every week and pay the bills and check on how he is doing. The place I found for him gives excellent care and, if needed in the future, I would gladly live there, too.
I pay attention to what my doctors tell me and they have saved my life 3 times now. I feel like they are part of "my team" to keep me going so I can help others.
I do pray for guidance to do the best job in caring for my friend and I am so thankful for the love and guidance I have been given in my life by so many others: parents, grand parents, neighbors, teachers, friends and strangers. That makes it easier to reach out to others in need and pass it on.
And should I need such care myself, I hope I can be thankful and gracious in receiving it. That makes the giver's experience a more positive one, too.
These days I am caregiver to my 82-year-old husband, 8 years my senior, who suffers from dementia is losing mobility due to almost complete inactivity, and is becoming more and more reclusive daily. I have made certain that he and I both have in place living wills, medical powers of attorney, and a printed state form that reinforces our no-extraordinary-measures wishes. While I remain completely active and capable, I know there are no guarantees, and this whole process is indeed taking its mental toll on me. While I don't feel either of us should resort to suicide, I do very strongly believe that Mother Nature is far more reliable than medical practitioners who strive to prolong life at any cost.
With the Governor’s signature, Maine became the 9th jurisdiction to allow people with a terminal illness to die the way they want: without suffering, in peace, and with dignity. Nearly 70 million Americans now live in a state with an assisted dying option.
Foxxmolder, sorry you experienced the pain of a loved one's suicide. That is not this. And there is no grand lesson in taking care of someone like I'm doing, other than don't ever take it on in the first place. Just keeping it real.
Something he shared with me:
What we say we want when we are younger thinking about being older, is not the same as what we want once we become that age. The human soul, mind, body, brain, etc. has a HUGE desire to stay alive. It is not something you can do about it. An example of this is being a young adult and listening to one's parents lecture about credit rating, what insurance to buy, or maybe how a particular person might not be the best match based on something they notice. At that age you PROMISE, you SWEAR, you YELL and SCREAM to anyone who will listen that you will NEVER say any of these things to your own children. Yet.....fast forward 25 years and you find yourself doing, saying, etc. the EXACT things you promised you would NEVER say or do. We do not have the ability to know circumstances, thoughts and feelings of us decades later. When we are young we have youth, fitness, great memory, etc. When we are at the end of our lives we have wisdom of 80 or 90 years of life on earth. The cycle of life is different for everyone. I can only ask everyone on here to communicate, love, share, give hope, and so many other things we have to offer today as we do our best to plan for our futures.
Realizing the type of care often required for an elderly individual, I have a long-term care plan. I intend to remain in my 2 bedroom condo instead of moving into an assisted living. The long-term care plan gives you the option of home care.
I also watched my mother wither away and tried to keep her spirits up. While she was able, I'd take her out for meals and provided a scooter for her to feel as though she had some independence. But eventually she became bedridden and spent the last few years as a patient in a nursing home which greatly distressed her.
I can only hope my remaining time towards the end of life is not a long downward spiral into becoming bedridden.
I am not a caregiver, but I did get trained and certified so I could help my parents out. My mom broke her hip in 2016 and did not receive even average care at the SNF. Once home she lived 15 months and spent 6 weeks on home hospice. After the poor care my mom received in two facilities, my dad, myself and a most beautifully intuitive, experienced, kind and patient caregiver did our best to get my mom up in her wheelchair, to the commode, the dining room for meals, outside for sun, in the den for nighttime TV, all up until 4 days before she passed.
The caregiver my mom had while on home care was answered prayer. The glue that bound us together through the mess of recovery and sadly, death.
Thank you for what you do, for your dedication to not just the patient but to the family dynamics!
My dad and I still make plans and visit with my mom’s caregiver,
though my mom has passed almost a year.
Good nights and I live yous were always in the equation at the end of the night.
When my mom was sent home from hospital with fast growing tumor that metastasized to her brain... the caregiver made her schedule more available to my mom’s needs. Four days before my mom passed she needed to be cleaned up a little and cool cloths placed on her. By this time my mom was in some pain and didn’t want to be touched. I couldn’t do it alone and my dad is too old at this point. The caregiver stopped by after her overnight job to help me clean up my mom each morning until my dear mom passed.
I know caregivers do not get paid their worth and that is truly tragic!
God bless you and keep you.
not able to move without assistance, or not lift a cup to their own mouth,forgetting how to swallow ,the loss of dignity. Im a different person today ,I know in my heart that our bodys break down just like an old car,but our spirit lives on so Yes death can be kind..
..
My parents have been in denial about their limitations for the last 25 years. When they were 68 and 70 respectively, they got a Rottweiler puppy, who they were unable to walk or take to the vet when he got old enough to need more assistance. They also bought a house that had been lived in by another elderly woman who'd died, so the house was very poorly maintained. They were unable to keep up with the maintenance and decided to deny all issues with the house. The upper half of their double oven has not worked since they moved in 22 years ago and there are plumbing and electrical issues throughout.
We are doing the junk removal now and have all our papers in order.
I’m sorry about your mother’s passing. May she Rest In Peace.
It is difficult to watch and go through someone dying. I’m glad her suffering (and yours) is over.
Hugs 🤗
The LO's we're all caring for now also swore they'd never be a burden, but they don't know they are a burden, probably because family members don't tell them AND because they have dementia and things just don't make sense anymore.
To someone who has been lost to dementia or Alzheimer's everything is frightening, change is frightening, and they've got a white-knuckled grip on life. Letting go isn't really even in the cards when you reach that point.
Thought this was an interesting take;
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/06/23/323330486/how-a-womans-plan-to-kill-herself-helped-her-family-grieve
(hope it's okay to post a link)
If I have the difficult choice to make like this woman did, I can see following her path.
Caregiving is exhausting and time waits for no one...
We don't foresee into the future ... and, all of a sudden... some of the Best years of our youth are gone... (which includes our dreams, opportunities, desires, visions, happiness...)
It’s hard on those left behind because we only can communicate in physical form and there is no “intermingling” between the two worlds. But no pain, only peace sounds like a great ending.