How has caregiving changed your approach to aging?

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How has caregiving changed your approach to aging?

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Like some of the other writers, I try to take care of myself first by exercising the body to stay physically healthy and the brain to delay possible dementia. Doing both things is good for the brain, research is showing.
At 76, I am power of attorney for a 92 year old friend of mine and he keeps telling me the only thing I need to do is live as long as he does. He's in a memory care apartment, but physically healthy. I am in charge of his health and finances as he has no children or close relatives.
We never know what role we may be called upon as we age. Helping others is a priority in my life and has always been. My wife and I made our home so we could "age in place" as one option.
It is not only important to serve others, it is important to be served when the time comes where you might need it. We have no idea what that might look like. We have two distant, young grand-children who may have a role or opportunity should our needs require outside care. While we are here, we can love them--which helps nurture their souls--and perhaps they will be able to return that love later if we need loving care.
Seeing to my friend's care is not a burden to me. It is an opportunity to serve. Since he is healthy, there is little I need to do except visit every week and pay the bills and check on how he is doing. The place I found for him gives excellent care and, if needed in the future, I would gladly live there, too.
I pay attention to what my doctors tell me and they have saved my life 3 times now. I feel like they are part of "my team" to keep me going so I can help others.
I do pray for guidance to do the best job in caring for my friend and I am so thankful for the love and guidance I have been given in my life by so many others: parents, grand parents, neighbors, teachers, friends and strangers. That makes it easier to reach out to others in need and pass it on.
And should I need such care myself, I hope I can be thankful and gracious in receiving it. That makes the giver's experience a more positive one, too.

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I'm sorry but I don't think it's fair to "plan" on younger family members taking care of you... I don't know that your "distant grandchildren" would consider it a privileged opportunity to take care of you... It's wonderful you have such a loving and generous capability, but the reality is that most times the reality is that it's only a matter of necessity and not any real choice to end up as a caretaker... I wouldn't wish that on anyone...

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I view aging differently insomuch as I don’t plan to do it.

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Just make sure you let Mother Nature know to skip you ;)

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For me, the following

No DNR
NO DNI
NO FEEDING tube
No dialysis

When I cannot toilet myself
When I have lost my faculties

As you can see, it has seriously affected me.

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I get myself to the doctor sooner than later. But I've always been proactive about my health.

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I have taken care of my now 95-year old Mom for 2 years. She really started to decline a year ago. She now has a few days to live, from the best we/hospice can tell. She had aphasia. She took two meds — for his blood pressure and Plavix. She refused to take anything else.

I am in agreement it’s you. This has been a grueling process. I have said many times, I would much rather die of a heart attack....

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Absolutley!!! First thing is to clarify your wishes through advance directives/loving will. I am very clear that I do not want dialysis or feeding tubes or a life filled with frequent hsopitalizations. After being on the other side of rhe bedrails, I exercise, swim 1/2 mile do yoga and find health care providers (NP, MD) who are very competent, caring and current and mostly 30 years younger than me.
I do all recommended preventive test and immiunizations. I cultivate friendships and family relationships that are adult and reciprocal. I am active in church, community and professional groups. I have been an active YMCA member. I am deeply spiritual and connected to nature and the belief that all is temporary and constantly changing. I trust in myself and ability to handle life with a can-do, nonworrying nature. I feel a lot of agency about my own life, the result of sheer will and belief that I totally accept responsibility for my life. I am very grateful for all around me and enjoy every moment. The biggest lesson? People regret more of what they don t do than what they do. Tomorrow is not promised, I am in the living room, not waiting room of life. Last few years I have made special effiort to try new things: helicopter ride, paddleboarding, talked 6 friends into zip lining, travel. I am trying to understnad others and listen more. I actively engage others of all ages as we need community to make it. Learning to graciously and gratefully acceot help is also a skill.
Saying THANK YOU, I love you, I am sorry, are among life's most underused words. I try to be kind and appeciate that we re all aging( if we are fortunate, as many do not have the opportunity.
My parents also taught me to not allow others to do things that I should be doing for myself in life.
I have a tremendous curiosity about the world and love to learn new things. There is joy and beauty in every day.
I also live simply and well below my means, and have the resources to travel.
If you do not pay attention to YOUR health, you will be spending all your money and time with the broken medical system.
I have devoted my GNP/ANP career to making health care better for older persons, after over 40 years in nursing, there is a far way to go.
Ageism is rampant; do not accept substandard care or condescending attitude. I have used the Zoc doc app to find excellent providers.
I treasure older persons and love their stories and courage. My Mom lived to 99 and was able to be in her own home until the last 7 months.
Read Victor Frankel's book, Man s Search for Meaning. One of his observations in the concentration camps was that those who helped others survived longer...
Kathleen D., Brooklyn, NY

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Also read Being Mortal.

And 60 is not the new 30. It never was.

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Also, I no longer fear flying in planes after what I have seen my mom go through, and so many other relatives.

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Absolutely, how my living longer will/could affect my children and their lives.
I'm exhausted after only 14 months having mom living with me.
I thought I was up to the task, a complete new appreciation of caregiving has been defined!

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Ive felt the same but all the responses about 'I'll never do this to my kid's and 'I'll kill myself it I get Dementia' are almost funny - my mom said the same thing! Now she's doing that to ME. As my cuz said 'by the time they get that way they won't even know it' (30 yrs ago!) It is an impossible situation. Anyone seen The Family that Preys? I hope I can catch it early like kathy bates! Of course I have no kids so no one to re-burden lol.

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The answer is to immediately go to Switzerland as soon as you are diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. That way you are still cognizant enough to be able to give consent. They can’t take you if you are unable to voice your desire to end your life.

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I have been taking care of my now 90 year old mother for 13 years now. She has so many things wrong with her it is unbelievable she is still alive. It has become exhausting and caused me to neglect my own health. She thinks I owe her every spare moment for her needs and entertainment because she is my "mother". It is just easier to do everything she says then to have her sharp remarks and vicious scenes. My husband has also been sucked into this drama and now that he has been diagnosed with cancer I wonder if she will outlive us all! It is a a total guilt trip of the highest order. I am a nurse so it is expected of me to care for her at home and I guess I just do a really good job.......(Sheesh)

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Metoo111,

I worry about what will happen to me all the time since taking care of mom the last 12 years (and taking care of kids before that), without pay does not provide any resources for my old age.

I, too, hope to remain active and productive or not be around at all. I do want to watch my kids and their kids continue to grow, But not from a wheel chair.

The trouble is, my health alarms are never something I can fix quickly.
My recent labs show a decline in kidney function and explains a lot of discomfort I have. The info I’m finding online says to eat the exact opposite of what I’ve been focusing on in our diet!

And, here’s the real crazy thing: what I was reading online sounded a lot like some symptoms mom has that her doctor has never addressed for her. I pulled her lab reports and her kidneys have not been functioning well for years! As far back as 2009 she had red flags on her reports but I didn’t know what they meant.

(I think her doctor has been expecting her to up and die for years now and holds back on some treatments. If he was correct I would applaud him, since she’s still kicking, I wish he’d make sure she’s more comfortable. )

Neither of our doctors gave us any advice except to adjust meds and drink more water. The dietary changes I’ve read about online will be a slow process and may be too late to do much good.

My biggest concern about this is that it effects my energy level and defeats my goal to remain active. I still have mom to care for! I need to be healthy and feel good to be any use to her. That much is certain.

If I age like my mom, she is 93 and still has her mental faculties and physically is mostly weak, I have many more years to look forward to. I don’t want to spend them feeling like a slug.

Charlotte

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Oh yes. I am learning lots of lessons on what NOT to do as I age.

I will not:
*Ignore my health issues and let them become debilitating
*Let myself become immobile - without a huge fight!
*Repeat the same darn stories OVER and OVER, even when told I have already told it - save my children's sanity

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I was a caretaker four times in my life: For my father, my mother, my husband and a friend. It was extremely depressing and very difficult and it took its toll on me. I feel sorry for anyone who is mentally or physically ill and have always done all I could do to help them. But, I learned the hard way, far too late, when their behavior and their needs are of such a nature that it is beginning to destroy me physically, emotionally, financially, etc., then I have to stop and think. I did not make them that way and I cannot fix them. People need to live their own lives while they still have a chance - life is too short. Some can be caretakers and others are not suited for it for many different reasons. Then we must decide - do we continue doing what we are doing or do we place them where they can be cared for and are safe. Personally, I think the aging process is among the most ugly and heartbreaking things that can happen to a human. I am all for humane euthanasia, provided the decision was made while the person was fully functioning and alert and informed, and this choice is periodically updated. But in our society, too many people think that is terrible. I became disabled eleven years ago and can't walk - I have lost all of my self-respect and self-esteem and hate myself and can't understand why I am still here. However, to give credit where it is due, I will be 86 but because of my love of animals, I am continuing my work for 50 years for animal welfare on a local to an international level; I am still a Power of Attorney to two people for l4 years; I just finished six years of college courses; I handle all of my own affairs; have many hobbies I love; I still drive and go out to eat by myself. But I am a solitary fish out of water. Most old people do NOT live like like I do - as I did in my 30's but I can't walk and never will again. So, yes, aging to me is sickening and disgusting and I stand firm each of us should decide when we want to give up and be allowed to do so. If I did not do the things I do (not typical for an old person like me), I would have preferred to go to the big beyond when I first became disabled and could no longer walk. I entered hell that day even though I am very active - but I have to be here for my dear kitty whom I love very much.

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Love this so much.

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I've learned to take better care of myself with diet and exercise, plus socialize and keep my mind active by playing mind games such as crossword puzzles and reading.

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I totally agree with you. It’s definitely made you think of aging and how it’s not kind to us. My mother used to be independent smart well travelled opiniâtres and now she has dementia and has a stroke which worsened her dementia. Doesn’t remember much. Doesn’t ask about her residence or anything much at all. We just moved her to an AL almost two months ago and I am noticing how much neglect has gone on so far. It breaks my heart because we could not take care of her anymore. So it definitely has made me think about end of life.

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The two main things that I learned is that my home must be aging friendly. That means room for a walker or rollator and single level living including laundry facilities, and this home should be in a community that has services for the aging. The other is that my husband and I must have all our paperwork/finances in good shape so that if and when one of our children must intervene that aspect won't be an added stress to an already difficult situation. That paperwork should include a document that expresses my wishes about end of life care. Sometimes, everything comes together in a better way, for example, the 90 year old who spent almost a year traveling with her daughter in an RV instead of choosing aggressive cancer treatment. But sometimes, the process is more muddied and the line marking desire for treatment and desire for comfort only isn't clear. Sadly, we don't have a crystal ball. Which is why the conversations surrounding life, illness, and death must be had despite how uncomfortable these topics make us feel. The best thing we can have is an advocate when we can no longer advocate for ourselves. These conversations will hopefully make it a more kind experience for our loved ones who may be expected to make these difficult decisions for you.

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I'm watching my Father lose his memories, his abilities every day. He has mod/severe ALZ, HP, Afib, Stage 3 kidney failure, hearing loss... I once thought retirement would be fun - I've seen other relatives enjoy it. But now, the ALZ terrifies me. I have another relative who had a mild stage, but passed before getting worse. This makes me a higher risk and switching to better eating (MIND Diet) can only do so much in delaying if I am a subject. The fear of losing myself and putting such a burden on to my kids is very disheartening. Has it crossed my mind I hope I'm gone before 75 yrs? Yes. I'm researching like crazy, but can the "golden years" scare the snot out of you? Oh yes. I wish I could be more optimistic, but, if you have a high risk, it's tough.

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When I was 20, I felt that 80 was a good long life with plenty of time to accomplish anything. Now that I am 64, I wonder where the years went. My father was in good health but dementia took his mind and body control. My mother and Aunt were sharp to the end but physical ailments weakened their bodies. We don't really know until we get there what we are going to have to face. I believe there is some irony to it as we often lose that ability we relied on the most during our lives. Yes, I think this intentional. I do feel the medical community just props up seniors and there is much that needs to be done to give them the emotional/mental support and stability they really need as they (we) all age.

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I have changed my approach to aging in that I've become more vigilant in setting in the habits today that I want to continue with I'm much older. I've found that when we are old, we tend to continue with the habits that we have developed over the years.

For example, my 87-year-old FIL doesn't get enough liquids into his diet. I have been able to get him to increase his liquid intake slightly, but it's still far below what he should be getting. He's just not used to drinking water by itself. Currently, his main sources of liquid are milk, coffee, decaf coffee, wine, and melons, with soup thrown into the mix every once in awhile. (He's not big on soup.) It's not enough, and it would be good if he could just drink water.

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Care giving has not changed my approach to aging at all. Having watched my Grandmother in a NH for 18 years, I had already decided I will not be staying around that long or in that position. I have made arrangements that when I choose that life quality has deteriorated to a level I am no longer content with then I will leave. Caring for my mother, who has an annex attached to our house, so who has been able to retain some independence but who has what to me would be unacceptable physical problems and some decline in cognitive function - not dementia, just old age - has simply re-inforced my views we live too long and in unpleasant circumstances and when I reach that I'm off.

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I agree with you, but I don't know how to "off" myself that I am brave enough to try. Jumping off my 10th floor balcony would work, but I don't want to cause problems for the wonderful owner/managers and other residents. I can't get prescriptions for sleeping pills, the MD tells me to take melatonin (which doesn't really help me sleep anyway). I'm not sure I could just quit eating and drinking, as I enjoy that so much!

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Read this somewhere recently and love it.
"It's not the years in your life, it's the life in your years"
I feel your expectations of "quality" change as the years go by. I feel it's God's way of adjusting to the ageing process.
I just hope I don't become a burden to my children and God takes me before hand.

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I do and will continue to accept life as it comes...at 83, I have some ailments, but just accept it..I just trust that God knows what he is doing.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

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Your response is much like mine would be. I'm 82 and have had a good life. God has seen me through some unexpected illnesses, so I know He is in control.

Grace + Peace is more than enough.

Veda

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Yes but unfortunately we have no say as to when we pass away. I am 85 and on a minimum of 21 pills a day, but in order for me to die it would take more than just stop taking the pills. I would have to actually kill myself. My religious beliefs would not allow me to do that. Even with all those pills, my quality of life is not very good. I would not choose to live this way because I am in constant pain. But I have no choice. Apparently I did not take very good care of myself when I was younger, so I developed arthritis in almost every major joint. I have had one total hip replacement and two stem cell treatments for both knees( very expensive) Now my back and one shoulder need something, they are not going to get because I would run out of money. I have diabetes which has given me kidney disease, and neuropathy in both legs. I have to use a walker to get around but I still drive and get around and until lately was taking care of my 88 year old brother and his dog. Sadly he and his dog both passed within a week of each other last Nov. Now I am alone and still plugging. As I stated earlier we have no choice, God makes that decision. You probably did not want to hear from someone like me but when you ask, thats what you get.

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You story brings tears to my eyes. I have often asked my mom (96) if she could kill herself now, would she? Her answer, right now, is a definitive, NO.
(My dad killed himself in '79)
Since you write, very early, that your religious beliefs, do not "allow" you to kill yourself, I feel this is the place you need to go to find peace, hope and help. I am assuming you find that in the Bible each and every day and that someone picks you up, or visits from your church often. Since you mention being alone, I think an AL place would be so helpful to you. Obviously you don't have kids or grandchildren visiting since they often bring purpose to one's life. I will have neither as I get old, but I am hopeful that an AL place will be right for me. My best to you as you navigate this end of life stage that is so hard for anyone.

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I have absolutely thought about my aging process. I have one son whom I am certain would be there for me, but I have no intention of putting him through what I'm going through as 24/7 caregiver for my mother. At the first sign of mental decline, I'll put a plan in place for an exit on my terms. No way do I want to live like my mother is living now.

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Would you please take time to give it any thought what you decision will do for your son's life after you choose this exit plan? Does he have kids? What about them? For some people the pure JOY of taking care of an aging person brings purpose, love and something that is indescribable here. As shown above, I am a child of a father who committed suicide. His problems were MUCH more then "the first sign of mental decline", but the act nevertheless has had a lasting impact on my life. This is what will happen for the friends, family, neighbors, and other people you have touched through your life. I am fairly certain that you have taken GREAT care of others in your life. Please, anyone out there, think about not robbing them out of the lesson of taking care of an elderly person. I am wondering what people think of my thoughts?

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Caring for my husband for three years and watching him decline into a horrible form of dementia has taken the joy out of what I previously felt were the so-called "golden years". I am now financially unable to do any of the things I had "programmed" into my senior years, as our savings are gone and my income was cut in half. I watch every gallon of gas, dread the last two weeks of every month as my bank account dwindles, and am terrified that as my own health issues, which were exacerbated by the caregiving, are becoming more and more difficult to manage, that my last days will be like his. I am grateful for kindnesses shown by friends and family and I truly do find simple joys in life, but I pray that I do not live to become a burden on my family, because a burden it would definitely be. They are loving, but do not have the financial resources to care for me when I can no longer care for myself. The fear of putting them through what I went through with my husband is so intense, that I do NOT want to live that way.

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Your post reminds me of the Dr. Seuss poem of "The Cat in the Hat on Aging" (He did NOT write this, just someone creative out there in cyber land that I am not able to credit;(

I cannot see,
I cannot pee,
I cannot chew,
I cannot screw,
Oh my God, What can I do?

My memory shrinks,
My memory stinks.
No sense of smell,
I look like hell.
My mood is bad, can you tell?

My body's drooping,
Have trouble pooping.
The Golden Years have come at last,
The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

Mom mom and I read this poem daily for a laugh. Her memory is so bad it is new to her each day, of course;)

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I am caring for my way fe with mild dementia....diagnosis was about a year and a half ago....
i am 66....retired and my wife is 71...
our daughter is about 1500 miles away...
My wife is at a stage where I provide
assisted living...she can’t drive....etc.
I am a in excellent health (as is my Dad at 96)....and have been an active runner since my early 40’s...
Care giving brought me to a sudden awakening recently...
If something happens to me...what will my wife do?
She is not self sufficient anymore more.....my daughter is not in a position to help...and besides..it isn’t her strong suite...
So, being a care giver...has caused me to have an awakening...
I need to prepare all our legal paperwork...and assign a legal representative to handle our affairs (if I go first) and for me (if my wife goes first)...
I know that I donot want to “just hang on as end of life approaches)...

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What a gem she has in you, sir.
Yes. The more plans you can make NOW, the better the 'end of life' stages go. My husband died about 20 years ago, when we were both 37. THANK God he did all the preparations before the end. I will forever be thankful for his understanding of showing me where water turn-off valves were in the house, to how basic computer skills could help me, to how bonds differ from stocks with the little money there was at that time.
So, yes, to everyone out there. The most helpful, loving, and CARING thing you can do is make plans for the inevitable. This might be next week (see 9/11/2001, God Bless their souls), or it might be in 30 years, when every five years the plans you make for a spouse, will be updated.

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PLease do not your personal experience with MIL color your days...what's that expression...that worrying about tomorrow saps the joy out of today....Bad things happen, but who knows what precipitated all of your MIL's issues. And just because that happened to her, doesn't mean similar will happen to you. Working in the business it can get pretty depressing...but I remind myself that this IS the business and I am only going to see those in need. That doesn't mean it will happen to me.

I want to remain at home until the day I pass. Of that I'm sure. So my goals based on my observations and experiences taking care of my 96 year old mother with dementia and 102 year old deaf but extremely active and engaged father (who has been volunteering over 25 years with meals on wheels), as well as their experiences interacting with the medical system, is to make sure that we create regulations that respect our autonomy and treat us respectfully with help in our homes if we desire or need it but with people trained and of the highest quality, background checked in a system that constantly updates and with wages that allow THEM to live independently. Stop worrying and enjoy life and do what you can to make the future better!

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Amen. I wish I could write it as well as you just did! Thank you for taking the time to state it so perfectly.

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I’m trying to be nothing like my mother. I’m boxing, spinning, yoga, Pilates, anything to run away from Parkinson’s (both parents have it). But should it catch me I feel much better equipped to fight it!!!!! I want to live a long HEALTHY life!!!!!
I’m being silly. Dancing like no one is watching. Forcing myself to be more extroverted. ENJOYING LIFE!!!!!!

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Don't have daughter that will do for me what I am doing for Mom.
FIRST clear sign of mental imparement, will find exit.

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Be sure to live in a state that has means to this kind of painless exit. I know friends that have decided to move to these states.

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Yes, it has definitely changed my outlook on aging. I don't know if I'm the right person to answer this question. Every few days I say to myself "I'm not going out this way". At this point I don't know if that means refusing treatment in the future or joining the hemlock society. I am 65, healthy right now & see to my 97 yr old Aunts needs. She has been in a nursing home for a year now (blind, unable to walk, dementia). I am blessed to have my cousin help & her late husbands nieces have pitched in for the past 3 years. When my time comes I won't have that support system. But I do know your loved one appreciates you being there for her. Each of us must find our own path.

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We'll all have to be there for each other and create a more responsive system because many of us will want to remain at home and may not have anyone else to help.

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How has caregiving changed your approach to aging?

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