How to get fluids for dying mom when the hospital won't take her and hospice doesn't give them?

Given that this post is now 1 month old, I have to assume that the OP's beloved mother has passed. I hope that her death was peaceful. Bless her soul.
I worked as a Hospice RN for many years and among the most difficult things for families to let go of at the end of life is the provisions of food and fluids. Sharing meals is so much a part our family life, evoking memories of all that is central to families and this is often a large part of the end of life teaching and care that is done by Hospice nurses: helping families to let go and accept the dying process.
Once a person begins to cease food and fluid intake, pain is lessened as part of this natural process and allows for the brain to produce endorphins that aid in alleviating pain. The provision of IV fluids is a life-prolonging measure that is contrary to the body's natural shutting down. Major organ systems fail and eventually, loved ones' hearts cease and they breathe their last breath.
Hospice care was the last of the areas that I worked in as an RN and I carry memories to this day of such poignant beauty that it takes my breath away to see, in my mind's eye, the images that I'll forever carry of loved ones in their final hours. It was a true privilege and honor to have been a part of the last moments of the lives of my Hospice clients, all of whom passed in their homes surrounded by family, as many as 4 generations of family.
The Hospice that I worked for was part of a Catholic-affiliated hospital and most assuredly, the withholding of sustenance is not considered as anything other than allowing death to progress naturally when every measurable indicator says that death is coming. I find it unimaginable that any tenet or belief system would promote any measures to prolong a life that is ending or promote interventions that would only serve to prolong the dying process.
I hope and trust that the family of the OP were gently guided in the loss of their beloved 97 year old mother and now hold precious memories of those final days and hours.

You can’t be providing fluids to a patient whose kidneys can’t filet the filter, you could then cause fluid retention leading to possibly CHF. The Catholic Church shouldn’t even be making rules like that, they aren’t physicians. Your mother is in the process of dying, let her pass in peace, not eating and drinking is a sign of this. I know this from experience, my mother did the same thing.

Just want to clarify here (as a Catholic and a hospice volunteer). Fluids CAN be withheld if they're making the patient sicker (like, she's unable to process the water because of her kidney failure, and the fluid will just build up, essentially drowning her).

Contact someone in a Catholic Hospice and speak to a priest. They will guide you.

You agree, she is dying. Hospice does not intervene with fluids. If under hospice they will make her comfortable and hospice will give you "suggestions" You will have your mothers need when Hospice is in charge. You will have "peace" of mind.

About 15 years ago, my father and sister were both dying from different medical conditions - my adult sister was in her home and my father was in a nursing home. I sought out advice from our Catholic parish and the end-of-life materials they provided me were immensely helpful. I read the materials and attended a live seminar that the church offered at different parishes where attendees could ask questions. Force feeding for food or fluids was never endorsed or recommended by the Catholic Church. Death is a natural process and with it comes certain indicators such as sleeping more and eating and drinking less. We were fortunate that the hospice agency we selected also understood our anguish and ambivalence re our loved ones' deteriorating conditions. Please reach out to your diocesan office and ask them for education re end-of-life decisions. You are not alone - many of us have walked in your shoes. Our prayers are with you.

IV Hydration Multiplier is a powder available online at Amazon as a 16-packet in different flavors and adds needed minerals, electrolytes, etc, similar to Pedialite, etc; though I believe this to be a product with better sodium/sugar balance. My 94-year old mother with chronic UTI’s and dehydration, likes each the grape flavor (mixed into grape juice) and strawberry (mixed into lemonade or sprite), It increases her fluid intake without needing to ‘drink daily difficult needed amounts.

It’s sad when our loved ones are at end of life. Be with her as much as you can. I just went through this with a friend. The only thing she would take was a little milkshake on a spoon. Be really careful about her chocking. Plenty of fluids were available to her, she just didn’t want to drink them. She’s fortunate to have you looking out for her. I hope that I live as long without to much suffering.

The answer given by SherryS was the most accurate describing the difference between dying and non-dying. I found out what she was talking about when my father was dying. Different parts of the body shut down one by one. One of the last ones is the throat fails to swallow. To try and give fluids can cause the person to get fluid in their lungs and that's how many people end up back in the hospital with pneumonia. That made me feel better because I got very upset that they would not continue giving him fluids.
Once they tell you that your parent is "active", at that point hospice comes in. And they do have Chaplains. You are in a very emotional place and it is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Most of us have no idea what Hospice can do until we need them. So glad you have this forum to ask people to help.
My dad refused liquid, and once his kidneys were going, his body was unable to process it. He was "fasting" naturally. He was able to see angels and God was able to prepare him.
I think what the church means is to "offer" drink if a person is thirsty. You have compassion and you love your parent and want what's best. But once the body is ready to go, your loved one will refuse because their body is in a natural state, and that is compassionate to let them rest. Your loved one knows what they need, you offer it, but if they refuse, you honor it. Her body knows.
Check with your pastor or talk with a Chaplain. They can help you when your mind is going in many different directions. He is the one who is Lord over life and death, and in the end, it's between you, your loved one and the Lord. I pray you have a peace that passes all understanding and that you will rest in knowing that this isn't all there is, and what is to come is so much better and you will see her again. Sit beside her and walk her home. God bless you. You are loved and many hearts go out to you.

This must be so difficult. I am Catholic, Dad was not. Hospice guided me on the non eating/non drinking issue.

it is a normal physiological process when dying and the hospice nurse told me that it was normal and he was not suffering.

Dad died a peaceful death on September 28th. It has been hard to deal with the eating issues with both of my parents but I trust the physiological process.

make sure you access all the support you have available but as people come to the end of life it becomes less about religious beliefs and more about comfort care

vacayassist: The church and medical doctors are two separate entities. Perhaps your mother requires hospice now.

Prayers for your dear sweet mother & all of your family! Such a difficult time! I wanted to make a mention you may be incorrect about what the Catholic Church teaches in regards to end of life for a “non-dying person” vs. a “dying” person. Your dear mother seems to be the latter & is at end stage of life from renal insufficiency no matter if she’s given hydration & nutrition. I believe in this case, the Church recognizes that artificial hydration and/or nutrition should not be pursued when it is not able to “accomplish its proper finality.” When the dying process cannot be reversed with nutrition or hydration or is too burdensome for the person. Things can get confusing with difficult cases in our quest to preserve life at all stages. I know our Catholic faith is misunderstood at times but rules are in place to preserve life in general. God has your Mother in the palm of his hand, & knows you are doing your best for her. Hospice in for comfort care is wonderful & you should not worry. Consult with your Pastor if you are concerned, review the Catechism, & I know your discernment in the matter will be divinely sent to you. Giving her love, all of your goodness, & praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet over her will bring peace to her & graces to you beautiful person. Peace of Christ be with you!

So sorry you’re going through a difficult period. Never stop asking questions and your solution will be found. Not sure if they’re able to swallow at al but, If they are able to try the baby dropper and a few drops of water periodically ( just enough to moisten their mouth that should reduce chance of chocking) can even use it for a little puréed baby foods possibly. Sending prayers 💕

Hospice care.

I’m sorry your mother is hurting and you’re losing her. Do you think she’ll eat hydration candies? They’re made for people with dementia or Alzheimer’s, but 95% water and real cute for the elder’s interest. If you like ‘em, I suggest you order because they were just sold out.

https://www.jellydrops.us/

Praying for you and your family to have peace during this difficult time.

If she's dying Hospice should be called in. I am confused as to why this hasn't been done already. I believe you are misinterpreting the Catholic Church. I would call the priest at your mom’s church and talk to him about it. Also, if someone is dying they aren't going to want food or water. You can offer but more than likely they won't want it. They are are going through a natural process.

Dear Vacayassist, So, sorry your mother is dying. I worked for decades in a hospital and discussed this issue with hospice staff many times. My own dearly loved mother-in-law and mother both went through this.

Yes, do offer your mother fluids as you desire. However, in the last stages of dying the need to eat and drink diminishes. This is not painful for them. Providing food and nutrition will not reverse the dying and hospice research now knows that using artificial means to hydrate and feed can cause harm. The need for fluids is tied into the amount of calories consumed. With the lack of appetite and almost no food eaten (part of the dying process), your mother needs very little fluid. So yes comfort her. Moisten her mouth and give her sips as the nursing staff show you how. Talk to her and tell her you love her. May you find comfort at this time.

So, the hospital sent your mother back to the adult home with a dx of renal insufficiency meaning the kidneys are not functioning properly. Did the hospital tell which stage she is in? Is she in the end stage of her kidney disease? If she is actively dying, palliative care could have been called in to give her some sort of treatment and to alleviate discomfort during the dying process. A doctor would make this call. Did someone tell you that your mom is in the process at this point? Dialysis is out of the question for you, but have you talked this over with a physician?
I'm not sure what the Catholic Church's stance is about withholding food or drink from a person. I would presume that since someone is not in the dying process, they should be offered something to eat or drink. It sounds like toxins are building up in your mother's bloodstream at this point. I would talk with the attending physician to see if there is anything else that can be done at this point to ease her suffering if she is in any discomfort.

I found out why when my father was dying. Parts of the body shut down one by one. One of the last ones is the throat fails to swallow. To try and give fluids can cause the person to get fluid in their lungs and that's how many people end up back in the hospital with pneumonia.
My dad refused liquid, and one his kidneys were going, his body was unable to process it. He was "fasting" naturally. He was able to see angels and God was able to prepare him, which I think is very, very scriptural.
I think what that particular branch of the church means is to "offer" drink. Of course you have compassion. But once the body is ready to go, your loved one will refuse, and that is compassionate. Your loved one knows what they need, you offer it, but if they refuse, you honor it. Honoring our parents is also scriptural.
that's why I'm not catholic. They have so many rules that aren't scripture based, but tradition. I believe in surrendering to the Lord and following His lead. He is the one who is Lord over life and death, and in the end, it's between you, your loved one and the Lord.

Hospice knows what they are doing, sounds like the Catholic guilt tripper does not.

Read the posts in response to yours, there is a wealth of knowledge. Whoever informed you before has given you some wrong information. Please call her priest to give her last rites, and I’m sorry for your loss.

Perhaps you should consult the "Catholic Church" that set these rules in place and ask them to take her. Where do all the dying Catholics go to abide by their rules?

Perhaps different Hospices offer different approaches?

Perhaps Adult Protective services can place her appropriately?

I recently learned about a service called end-of-life doula. Just like a birth doula serves a mom and family through the natural birthing process, an end-of-life doula serves a person and their family through the natural dying process. I have no idea of the cost, but if affordable I think I would like to have that service when my time comes. It is all about respecting the loved ones wishes while you keep them comfortable.

https://inelda.org/

You said it all in your first sentence: "My mom is in an adult home, 97 yrs old and dying."

That means she needs hospice. It doesn't matter where she lives. Hospice will come to her, and work with the adult home to provide the end-of-life care she needs and deserves. I think you're doing your mom a disservice by waiting. Here's an article on this same website on this very topic.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/family-wait-too-long-call-hospice-152891.htm

I can understand the desire to look for ways to artifically extend her life but it does sound like she is in the process of dying. Hospice is so good about preparing families to say good bye and helping to assist your loved one in being comfortable to the fullest extent possible. You can initiate fluids by giving her small ice chunks or sips of water. Her body will tell her when to stop taking fluids. Hospice can help you identify that time. I am not sure what the Catholic Church has to do with the dying process. No church can change the dying process. Its the course of dying that the person will eventually stop eating and drinking. You are not "sinning" by accepting this. I would hope that the family's goal would be to help her go through these processes with dignity keeping her as comfortable as possible.

There's a difference between withholding fluids and not forcing fluids. Your mother's body is telling her it's time to pass and it doesn't want any more fluids. When the church tells you not to withhold fluids, it doesn't mean force her to take fluids her body cannot process.

When my mother was in the hospital before her death, at the end stage of a long illness, she stopped eating. The hospital continued to bring her meals, but they didn't attempt to make her eat. Food was not withheld, but it was also not forced.

The Catholic Church knows nothing about the dying process. The hospice people should fully inform you about the process and where your loved one is in that process. Part is to stop intake, as the body shuts down. You are not “withholding” fluids, her body is not taking them. Indeed, forcing those fluids might well distress her.

Did the facility state she still wants to drink and eat? If so, she can, but only the amount she can take,

I worked with our local Catholic hospital providing hospice, and it is the best care for hospice. When a person can no longer take water, it is sign they are coming to the end stage and forcing water is against standards of care.

My father went into hospice and having power of attorney, I wanted him hydrated in a Catholic hospital, himself a devout Catholic. He developed bronchial pneumonia. The staff told me they had to clear his lungs twice that day causing him to suffer. I cried knowing he would be leaving soon.

He had peace and comfort.

The tradition of Catholic instituted hospice goes back almost 2,000 years.

as one dies s/he does not require nourishment or fluids. giving her fluids will only prolong the inevitable and perhaps make death more painful for her.