Follow
Share

My relationship with my father has always been strained. He has always chose to do things "his way" no matter the detriment to others. He has pushed everyone who loves him away. His brand new house has turned into a hoard in a years time and he has spent his life savings in the process. His house is infested and he is refusing medical treatment. He is at the point that he can hardly walk, and is hardly eating. He has horrible people in and out of his house and I am not certain all of the activity that takes place there. He had a home invasion a few weeks ago by a local gang member. He never tells me anything and I found out second hand. The house is beyond me trying to clean it on my own. I found a service to come in, help clean and fumigate. He told me he found a service of his own, and then spent the money on more junk for his house. He has a few people living with him, even a guy living in a van in his backyard and another one in his driveway. I am falling apart trying to help by buying groceries or bringing food. He only calls me when he needs a ride, money or cigarettes. I am considering calling Adult Protective Services because I feel hopeless. My father has a living trust, however I am only able to make health decisions at the point he is basically on life support. He is frail, skin and bones and withering away. I tried to call an ambulance yesterday and it ended up me walking out. I feel lost. It's taking it's toll on me and my mental health. I attended my first Nar-Anon meeting last night as a way to try to cope, but I still feel helpless and hopeless.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Call Adult Protective Services and then stop all contact. You cannot help him. He is an addict and enabling him with cigarettes and money for junk isn't helping him. You cannot evict his "tenants". You cannot save him from himself.

There's a reason everyone else has left him. Focus on the good things in your life and, sadly, your father isn't among them. My brother gave me one of the best pieces of advice ever: you don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.
Helpful Answer (19)
Report
AloneInChaos Jul 2021
Wow, that comment set things in perspective; You don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm". Your words are appreciated.
(6)
Report
See 1 more reply
Step away from all of this. Get a Nar-Anon sponsor ASAP and reach out to them. You can't fix your father and you can't fix this situation. Unless he has dementia Adult Protective Services is unlikely to be of much help. He is capable of making his own decisions and makes bad ones. People are allowed to do that. We are allowed to not support those decisions. Hard as it will be, just step away.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
AloneInChaos Jul 2021
Thank you! Yes, a sponsor is a must. In my head, I know I need to separate, it's my heart that is tearing me apart. He is an adult and has made the decisions that have contributed to his detriment. All of these comments are words of encouragement. I need to focus on my life and health.
(8)
Report
I agree with jkm999, as I recovering alcoholic as much as family and friends wanted to change me when I was drinking they could not. No way!

You need to go to meetings and find out that you can't change your Dad no matter what, only your Dad has to "want" to change. All you can change is yourself and your reactions to your Dad. I think you need to emotionally separate yourself from him and in order to do that you need help.

I wish I had a flowery answer for you but I don't. I lived it and I resented anyone who tried to change me during those dark years. I finally said to myself that I didn't want to live that way anymore so I sought out help. I'm over 35 years sober now but only because I wanted to become sober.

I feel your pain, I really do.

I wish you the best!
Jenna
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
AloneInChaos Jul 2021
God bless you and your sobriety. I am 18 years clean and sober, you think I'd "get it". But it feels so different being in the opposite situation and seeing his declining health. I am fighting with guilt over not doing enough... and basically not wanting to anything if that makes sense. Resentments run deep. Sounds cruel, but the wounds are still there. Time for me to the work on my steps. I am confident that Nar-Anon will help on the other end of the spectrum. As a cavoite, by the Grace of God I don't want to use or drink and all the more reason I need to separate from the situation. Thank you so much!
(6)
Report
See 1 more reply
I saw a doco recently from another point of view.

Different situation but similar in a way.. A man with severe mental illness (not sure if substances were included, drink I think) seemed quite happy with his life, despite living on the street. He had his hobbies, his favorites places, his regular people he spoke to, was well known & liked by many. He was also unkempt, unbathed, dirty.

The tragic part was the wife & children who'd had to let him go. At some stage (once the kids had grown) they all tried to find him, clean him up, get him off the streets. He only just remembered his life as a father & husband. His life was in the here & now. It was enough for him.

Eventually the kids said goodbye again & left him to his life.

I read a beautiful quote about it being ok to move forward for your own growth when needed, even if it meant leaving someone behind sometimes. I'll try to find it.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
AloneInChaos Aug 2021
Thank you. I have to try and remind myself that these are his choices, and he is "happy" with his choices. As a daughter I have done what I can. It's heartbreaking to see what his life has become.
(9)
Report
See 1 more reply
I am so very sorry that you are struggling with this. It’s so stinking hard! I tried for so many years to help my brother who was an addict with HepC. It nearly killed me. Please do not ever try to clean his home again. I used to tidy up for my brother until one day, when I almost pricked my finger on a used needle.

Addicts are suffering and are only able to care about their next fix. They are in such a dark place that they can’t see beyond their own pain. They will hurt anyone in their path. Please walk away. Take care of yourself. Allow others to care for him.

Addiction is a horrible disease. Some are fortunate enough to go into recovery. Others like my brother could never beat his demons. I pray for all who are struggling with any kind of substance abuse. I pray for families of addicts.

I have enormous compassion for addicts. but I had to learn that I didn’t have the power to change my brother. He died with HepC shortly before turning 70. I have equal compassion for families of addicts.

Please attend Al-Anon. I will certainly keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I have walked in your shoes and I wouldn’t wish this suffering on anyone. It’s not just the addict who suffers. It’a also the entire family.

I wish you peace as you navigate your way through this difficult time in your life. Take care and many hugs.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
AloneInChaos Aug 2021
Thank you. Yes, addiction is horrible. I am thankful I have my faith to rely on in these times. There is a comfort in praying for him, yet it still hurts to see that someone would let their life result to this. I am sorry about your brother. It's hard to watch people self destruct with no control over their actions.
(6)
Report
See 1 more reply
Please, drop the guilt, its self imposed. You did nothing that caused your Dad to become an addict and you can't change him at this point. You can call APS and have them investigate, if they do nothing then they feel that Dad is capable of making his own decisions. They probably will get his "tenants" off the property. In my State, you can't live in a van or camper on residential property.

You can't live Dads life. Do what you want to do but realize thats all he is going to allow u to do. You need to get yourself ready for the inevitable an know, none of this is your fault.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
AloneInChaos Aug 2021
Hi. Yes, I know this is beyond my doing and I have no control. It is still heartbreaking and the "guilt" is something I need to work through. I know I need to prepare for the inevitable, as I know it is coming. Thank you for your words of advise, I appreciate it.
(7)
Report
Call Adult Protective Services, and then seek some therapy for yourself to convince you that you are not responsible for him and his historic treatment of you is abuse. You have the right to your own life, he has made his choices and you need to be out of it and accept you have the right to be out of it and look after your own health.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
AloneInChaos Aug 2021
It's sad that this is what it has come to. Nobody wants to be in position to call APS for their own parent. His plan is to live how he wants and when he passes and I can deal with the aftermath. Thank you. I know I have to think about myself.
(11)
Report
I'm very happy to hear that you're going to Nar-Anon. That is a great organization and you will find support there.
As I'm sure you well know, there is no forcing an addict to do anything. Your father may not be active in his addiction anymore, but he's never changed his addict behavior. He still lives in it and in drug culture.
In AA which I know about, this is called being a 'dry drunk'. That's a person who doesn't drink anymore but still takes no responsibility and accountability for themselves, their actions or their deeds even when they've hurt others and are still hurting them.
Call APS on your father and call the police too. The cops will start doing regular wellness checks on him if APS tells them to.
Then you step back. You don't being food or buy groceries anymore. You don't give him a ride anywhere or buy his cigarettes. You do absolutely nothing for him. Even though he's on a methadone program he is not in recovery. Help him by trying to get him into a 12-step program. The only ride you should be giving him is the one to an NA meeting.
I'm sure you'll hear all of this in Nar-Anon if you haven't already. All of it is true. You can't enable him anymore.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Geaton777 Aug 2021
AloneInChaos, yes - enabling and co-dependency are not helpful in the mix of another's addiction and NarcAnon will help you see things more objectively.
(3)
Report
I agree with a lot of comments that have been made. I want to add if you call Adult Protective Services, you can ask to remain anonymous. I had to call APS on my parents at one point and did this. I was worried that if I wasn’t anonymous, they would push me away so I couldn’t make sure they were okay. APS kept it anonymous. I second everyone who has said please taking care of yourself and your mental health. Also, there may be people going to his house that could hurt you if they think you want to disrupt what they have going on there.

I made myself sick trying to help my parents who didn’t truly want my help. I look back now and see I was used and i wasted part of my life on so much stress and efforts related to them. This stress negatively affected other parts of my life and my decisions. Please think of yourself, he is not.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

You’ve done an admirable job trying to help your father. I’m sorry he doesn’t want the help and that you’re deprived of having the father you deserve. Calling APS would be doing him a favor, even if there’s no change he’ll be on their radar for when the time comes. I hope you’ll back away from this, sadly, it’s not fixable and your own health could be at stake. I wish you peace
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter