My relationship with my father has always been strained. He has always chose to do things "his way" no matter the detriment to others. He has pushed everyone who loves him away. His brand new house has turned into a hoard in a years time and he has spent his life savings in the process. His house is infested and he is refusing medical treatment. He is at the point that he can hardly walk, and is hardly eating. He has horrible people in and out of his house and I am not certain all of the activity that takes place there. He had a home invasion a few weeks ago by a local gang member. He never tells me anything and I found out second hand. The house is beyond me trying to clean it on my own. I found a service to come in, help clean and fumigate. He told me he found a service of his own, and then spent the money on more junk for his house. He has a few people living with him, even a guy living in a van in his backyard and another one in his driveway. I am falling apart trying to help by buying groceries or bringing food. He only calls me when he needs a ride, money or cigarettes. I am considering calling Adult Protective Services because I feel hopeless. My father has a living trust, however I am only able to make health decisions at the point he is basically on life support. He is frail, skin and bones and withering away. I tried to call an ambulance yesterday and it ended up me walking out. I feel lost. It's taking it's toll on me and my mental health. I attended my first Nar-Anon meeting last night as a way to try to cope, but I still feel helpless and hopeless.
My prayers are with you. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!
Instead of taking groceries can you set up an account and have the groceries delivered to him so you can step back.
Continue to attend Nar-Anon and take care of yourself - you are doing the best you can in a terrible situation.
I pray you find your center again and lead a healthy life and lend whatever support you can within reason to your father.
Call APS and let them see the interior of home and talk to him. It's very possible he will pass their interview as well. Living in a dirty home is not enough to remove him from the home. Home owners association can come down on him if the hoard is outdoors. Police can be notified of illegal activity. Other than that, he may continue to live as he always has, by his own terms...sad as it is.
His problems are what he made. Do not take ownership. He is illogical.
We want better with our whole heart but they throw that to the trash.
Get yourself all the help you need for you. look to free your feelings -you have nothing to feel you need to be responsible for- it is the evil of the addiction. He traded drugs and the consequences for them.
It is hard hard to see someone self destruct. I hope you can find beautiful places as a respite, and loving friends to grieve with you
I have repeatedly told my mom (who is not nearly as bad!) that if something does happen I will have no guilt. Ive done everything I possibly can and I’ve pushed the limit so many times it’s ugly.
Get into therapy ASAP.
You are behaving as a 'co-dependent.' Get into an "Anonymous' program for co-dependents ASAP. Do you judge yourself for your behavior. Until one decides or understands what runs them, they are unable to make positive behavioral choices. You are like a wounded bird. Time to find out that you DO have wings meant to FLY (away).
That you say you are 'considering' calling APS says a lot. This should have been done perhaps months (or years?) ago. Due to your relationship / wounding background, you do not have the inner resources to make needed decision - for his welfare or yours.
You need professional help.
Gena / Touch Matters
You ARE helpless and hopeless to change your father. It must be HE who wants to change. Otherwise, you are sucked into HIS vortex of chaos. Over & over again, like a moth to the flame.
We can blame doctors for addiction, we can blame society, we can blame anyone & everyone all we like. The idea is never to blame the PERSON himself for what he chooses to smoke, to drink, to swallow, to put into his body in the first place, right? Wrong. Your father needs to accept responsibility for himself. Period. And, until that happens, you are powerless to change one single thing he does.
He will continue to live the addict's lifestyle by inviting low life people into his hoarded home or to camp out on his driveway. That's his prerogative. It's also your prerogative to disassociate yourself from him until & unless HE shows YOU that he's taken the necessary steps to change his lifestyle.
Until such a thing happens, you're just spinning your wheels and causing yourself sickness & heartache over what HE is choosing to bring on HIMSELF.
Let go now. Leave him to his own devices. Call APS & the police and get your father on their radar so they can step in and intervene if/when the need arises. You've done all you can do. The ball is in HIS court now. And know that if your father winds up dying as a result of his lifestyle, he's made that decision of his own volition and he lived & died on HIS terms
My brother in law was 70 when he recently died in the parking lot of Wal-Mart. He led a hard lifestyle for decades and lived in a motel with his cigarettes and his video games, all alone in filth, as he wished. He had COPD but chose to continue smoking, which was his right. He keeled over in the parking lot and the autopsy determined that he died of complications from COPD. It took my husband an hour to clean out the entirety of his brother's LIFE from that motel room, all in 3 boxes he brought home reeking of smoke. The rest he had to throw in the dumpster b/c the stuff was too wretched to even donate to Goodwill. But hey, his brother lived life on HIS terms and died on his terms as well, so we can't feel too badly for him. He will be missed b/c we loved him, just as he was, but we weren't able to help him b/c he didn't WANT help.
Wishing you the best of luck taking care of YOURSELF now, and letting your father live life as he sees fit.
Your Father has his own mind and it's his business what he does.
You are not POA.
What you need to do is stop going over there to bring him groceries, cigarettes, ect.
Then maybe he will see that he needs to spend his money on food, ect.
As long as you keep providing him with what he wants then why change.
When I visit, I would just bring him and bring him one thing like a Meal Replacement Drink or a hamburger or whatever you think he might like.
He's the Adult and has chosen his life style.
He gets money and he can have cigarettes delivered to him or get them from one of the people he allows to live at his house.
He can also order food to be delivered.
Let him live his life and you live yours.
Donto go and clean his house!
He can hire and pay someone to do it. You are not his Maid, you are his daughter so don't let him use you for a maid, delivery person, cook, ect.
As I'm sure you well know, there is no forcing an addict to do anything. Your father may not be active in his addiction anymore, but he's never changed his addict behavior. He still lives in it and in drug culture.
In AA which I know about, this is called being a 'dry drunk'. That's a person who doesn't drink anymore but still takes no responsibility and accountability for themselves, their actions or their deeds even when they've hurt others and are still hurting them.
Call APS on your father and call the police too. The cops will start doing regular wellness checks on him if APS tells them to.
Then you step back. You don't being food or buy groceries anymore. You don't give him a ride anywhere or buy his cigarettes. You do absolutely nothing for him. Even though he's on a methadone program he is not in recovery. Help him by trying to get him into a 12-step program. The only ride you should be giving him is the one to an NA meeting.
I'm sure you'll hear all of this in Nar-Anon if you haven't already. All of it is true. You can't enable him anymore.
Please, please, please consider going to Alanon, or group for friends and family of substance abusers. NA and AA are for substance abusers only. You need the care of others who have already walked this road AND their advice. Take their advice.
The father is in a methadone program and not actively getting high anymore.
He isn't in recovery though because he's still in addict behavior and living in drug culture.
AloneInChaos belongs to Nar-Anon.
Get into another Narc anon or even alanon- you can’t fix him. Keep your self sane. Call elder services- they can assess his situation.
Most addicts get their junk from prescriptions. Methadone has its place, but in my opinion doctors should endeavor to wean people off of it. It's basically replacing one addiction with another. It seems they just keep them on it for life supplying junk a population of junkies; big pharma has become the supplier. Junkies are junkies, and will remain junkies unless treated and weaned off. Keep in mind people get hooked on methadone and need to detox from that. Wow. There are detox facilities that wean people off of junk such as methadone:
https://family-intervention.com/blog/key-facts-about-methadone-detox-and-withdrawal-timeline/
I know one thing--if my husband got addicted due to prescriptions, I will sue that doctor for malpractice without batting an eyelash. I would not let them get away with that. In fact I would go so far as to call the sheriff's department and complain this or that doctor got my loved one hooked on narcotics and want to file a complaint. That is exactly how "pill mill" dope dealing doctors get arrested--just because it is under the guise of a prescription it is still dope. They will send out an undercover officer and find out what is going on.
If you feel he is a danger to himself, you can call the police and have a wellness check and request he be involuntarily admitted to the psychiatric unit -- if your state allows that. In Florida this is known as a Baker Act. Other states have other names for it. Once in the psychiatric unit psychiatrists will make a determination of his competency. From that point a legal guardian can be appointed. A visiting Justice visits the psychiatric unit and can write court orders regarding guardianship.
IF the psychiatrists deem him competent he has the right to live any way he wants and there is nothing you can do about it.
So call the police department and see what they can do for you. They know the state laws and often they have the power to write an order of Baker Act (or whatever your state calls it--IF your state does that sort of thing). I would call the police FIRST; if they do nothing, have a chat with their supervisor. Failing that, then call APS. But don't be surprised if nobody does anything. You need to keep on trying and go to the top if you have to.
Methadone is NOT a safe drug. Not only can it cause falls and confusion, it can cause severe BOWEL impaction--their stools get hard as rocks and cannot pass them. Narcotics can also cause an incarcerated (twisted) bowel which will kill the intestines and the person can die from that. The bowel can twist and without blood circulation the organ dies and rots from inside the person. This is known as "necrotic bowel syndrome" and it IS a medical emergency.
Further, if the person drinks alcohol or takes other drugs they can die from respiratory failure.
Sorry I have a very low opinion of doctors because they too can become corrupt because they sure love that money.
It's also always a good idea when you're prescribed narcotic pain medications to use
ONLY AS DIRECTED
Yes, read the directions. Doctors have an obligation to instruct and teach their patients about the proper use of narcotic medication.
These drugs are meant to make a person's pain level tolerable. They are not intended to make them pain-free or high, and many misuse and abuse these drugs when they are prescribed to them.
No one ever mentions how many people who get hooked on prescription drugs were prior to them being prescribed drugs were recreational drug users. Or had a previous issue with drug use. Doctors have a responsibility to their patients, but people have to take some responsibility and educate themselves on how to properly use narcotic medications.
I saved my neighbor who lives behind me by calling.
Her adopted adult son who was in and out of jail, and his ex-wife, we’re using her credit card and ignoring her!
She was down to 80 pounds.
All the church going neighbors, “didn’t want to get involved?” 😳
Social Services came immediately, and she was placed in an immaculate “memory care” facility.
I went to see her to make sure.
The “son” was forced to sell the house he had since destroyed.
Ex-wife drove away in “mother-in-laws”, car she signed over to herself.
Nobody cared about the financial abuse. 🤨
We have to help each other, full stop- ❤️
I made myself sick trying to help my parents who didn’t truly want my help. I look back now and see I was used and i wasted part of my life on so much stress and efforts related to them. This stress negatively affected other parts of my life and my decisions. Please think of yourself, he is not.