I am an only child. My father is a life long addict, on Methadone, living in filth and refusing medical treatment. I am falling apart.

Step away from all of this. Get a Nar-Anon sponsor ASAP and reach out to them. You can't fix your father and you can't fix this situation. Unless he has dementia Adult Protective Services is unlikely to be of much help. He is capable of making his own decisions and makes bad ones. People are allowed to do that. We are allowed to not support those decisions. Hard as it will be, just step away.

I agree with jkm999, as I recovering alcoholic as much as family and friends wanted to change me when I was drinking they could not. No way!

You need to go to meetings and find out that you can't change your Dad no matter what, only your Dad has to "want" to change. All you can change is yourself and your reactions to your Dad. I think you need to emotionally separate yourself from him and in order to do that you need help.

I wish I had a flowery answer for you but I don't. I lived it and I resented anyone who tried to change me during those dark years. I finally said to myself that I didn't want to live that way anymore so I sought out help. I'm over 35 years sober now but only because I wanted to become sober.

I feel your pain, I really do.

I wish you the best!
Jenna

Call Adult Protective Services and then stop all contact. You cannot help him. He is an addict and enabling him with cigarettes and money for junk isn't helping him. You cannot evict his "tenants". You cannot save him from himself.

There's a reason everyone else has left him. Focus on the good things in your life and, sadly, your father isn't among them. My brother gave me one of the best pieces of advice ever: you don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.

I do not think he is capable of making sound decisions for himself. He is living in filth and not eating. It seems to me he needs someone to intervene for him. I would certainly call Protective Services and maybe they can direct you further. Do not give him money for him to blow on booze but ok to buy some food for him. So sorry, it must be so stressful to see your dad like this. Hope you find some answers and your dad gets treatment soon. Good luck.

You are in a horrible situation. I’m also an only child of divorced parents. We tend to take on total responsibility for our parents. You have done all one person can do. I would call APS and tell them you can not give him the care he needs. Stand strong with this statement. Step away. Rebuild your life, sanity and health. You absolutely matter. Your life matters. Your peace matters. Your dad made decisions long ago that have resulted in this lifestyle. You have done all you can do. Please take care of yourself by backing away. No more money for alcohol and cigarettes. If it helps you to feel better, drop off food on occasion. My heart breaks for you. This is living under high levels of stress.

I am so very sorry that you are struggling with this. It’s so stinking hard! I tried for so many years to help my brother who was an addict with HepC. It nearly killed me. Please do not ever try to clean his home again. I used to tidy up for my brother until one day, when I almost pricked my finger on a used needle.

Addicts are suffering and are only able to care about their next fix. They are in such a dark place that they can’t see beyond their own pain. They will hurt anyone in their path. Please walk away. Take care of yourself. Allow others to care for him.

Addiction is a horrible disease. Some are fortunate enough to go into recovery. Others like my brother could never beat his demons. I pray for all who are struggling with any kind of substance abuse. I pray for families of addicts.

I have enormous compassion for addicts. but I had to learn that I didn’t have the power to change my brother. He died with HepC shortly before turning 70. I have equal compassion for families of addicts.

Please attend Al-Anon. I will certainly keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I have walked in your shoes and I wouldn’t wish this suffering on anyone. It’s not just the addict who suffers. It’a also the entire family.

I wish you peace as you navigate your way through this difficult time in your life. Take care and many hugs.

Please, drop the guilt, its self imposed. You did nothing that caused your Dad to become an addict and you can't change him at this point. You can call APS and have them investigate, if they do nothing then they feel that Dad is capable of making his own decisions. They probably will get his "tenants" off the property. In my State, you can't live in a van or camper on residential property.

You can't live Dads life. Do what you want to do but realize thats all he is going to allow u to do. You need to get yourself ready for the inevitable an know, none of this is your fault.

I saw a doco recently from another point of view.

Different situation but similar in a way.. A man with severe mental illness (not sure if substances were included, drink I think) seemed quite happy with his life, despite living on the street. He had his hobbies, his favorites places, his regular people he spoke to, was well known & liked by many. He was also unkempt, unbathed, dirty.

The tragic part was the wife & children who'd had to let him go. At some stage (once the kids had grown) they all tried to find him, clean him up, get him off the streets. He only just remembered his life as a father & husband. His life was in the here & now. It was enough for him.

Eventually the kids said goodbye again & left him to his life.

I read a beautiful quote about it being ok to move forward for your own growth when needed, even if it meant leaving someone behind sometimes. I'll try to find it.

Call Adult Protective Services, and then seek some therapy for yourself to convince you that you are not responsible for him and his historic treatment of you is abuse. You have the right to your own life, he has made his choices and you need to be out of it and accept you have the right to be out of it and look after your own health.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Focus on your own life and safety. He is not cooperating and you can't force him to do things without locking him up. If you can help him by giving him a ride or taking him out for food from time to time, you could do that. Adult Protective Services may appoint a guardian for him. Think about whether you want to be his guardian. If he becomes a ward of the state, someone else may be assigned as guardian and they will take over all of his affairs (and money).

Nar-anon is number one to call right now if you haven’t already. I would also call APS just to have it on record. No more rides, no more money and no more contact. Start working on yourself. You have no real control over the situation.

I am sorry this is happening to you. My mother went to the doctors and told them about her son here is what the doc told her there is a tiny piece of drug that is in bedded in his brain that makes him want drugs or do the things that he does. My mother had to learn the hard way with her son she did all what you are doing for your father and kept telling me its my son I have to do this for him. What we were told by a therapist you are enabling him. Stop the bank. If he wants the help he will find it. Your father knows what he is doing just like my brother knows what he is doing(my brother is 64). We were also told not to hoover around the phone because they know you are there and you will pick up. We had to call the police on my brother because he was sleeping in his truck but going between the houses and looking in the windows thinking it was ours but it wasn't. The neighbor next door told us what he was doing called it tweaking before this I never heard that word before. If you cut ties don't think its your fault that he is this way. My mother says that we don't know the truth what my brother tells us because we aren't there. My brother has been doing this most of his life with drugs first it was marijuana then steroids, then opiods, then crack, then meth, he has milked his mother out of $30,000 because he would tell us that he would go commit suicide. She has since cut ties she will listen to him on the phone if he comes around she will listen to him but no money ever changes hands anymore. She thought she was helping him get his vehicles fixed nope it went for drugs.
Keep with a therapist they will help you help yourself. I know it has helped us. My pastor told me to tell him I love him but I can't be in your life so I distance myself from him. My well being is more important than dealing with the stress of him. Remember stress kills you don't need this stress in your life. Remember the good times with your father. Do a wealth fare check on him if you have it with your police dept. We have had to do this too. Since my brother is a veteran they say to call the ambulance but what they don't tell you is they can refuse it unless they are saying they will harm themselves.
Prayers for peace for you.

I agree with a lot of comments that have been made. I want to add if you call Adult Protective Services, you can ask to remain anonymous. I had to call APS on my parents at one point and did this. I was worried that if I wasn’t anonymous, they would push me away so I couldn’t make sure they were okay. APS kept it anonymous. I second everyone who has said please taking care of yourself and your mental health. Also, there may be people going to his house that could hurt you if they think you want to disrupt what they have going on there.

I made myself sick trying to help my parents who didn’t truly want my help. I look back now and see I was used and i wasted part of my life on so much stress and efforts related to them. This stress negatively affected other parts of my life and my decisions. Please think of yourself, he is not.

You’ve done an admirable job trying to help your father. I’m sorry he doesn’t want the help and that you’re deprived of having the father you deserve. Calling APS would be doing him a favor, even if there’s no change he’ll be on their radar for when the time comes. I hope you’ll back away from this, sadly, it’s not fixable and your own health could be at stake. I wish you peace

The whole purpose of APS and similar services is for situations like yours. There is nothing to feel bad about. It's clearly too much for you to watch him live this way but he also was living this way before he became frail given his drug history so this is comfortable living to him. I would contact services and see how they can help so you don't have to do everything. If he finishes his life somewhere clean and infestation free, that's the worst that could happen. Republicans tend to make people feel like trash for using public assistance like APS but people NEED these services and there's nothing wrong or trashy about it. You pay taxes so you and you're dad are entitled to the help you paid for so not using it is wasteful, not the other way around. Not sure what else makes u feel bad about calling them but all it is is help taking care of business - like calling a handy man. Nothing right or wrong about it - either you want the help or you don't. Sounds like you should take it because he is too much work for 1 person.

Call Social services.
I saved my neighbor who lives behind me by calling.
Her adopted adult son who was in and out of jail, and his ex-wife, we’re using her credit card and ignoring her!
She was down to 80 pounds.
All the church going neighbors, “didn’t want to get involved?” 😳
Social Services came immediately, and she was placed in an immaculate “memory care” facility.
I went to see her to make sure.
The “son” was forced to sell the house he had since destroyed.
Ex-wife drove away in “mother-in-laws”, car she signed over to herself.
Nobody cared about the financial abuse. 🤨
We have to help each other, full stop- ❤️

The problem with a lot of doctors is that they too make money off of addiction and make no effort to get people weaned off of junk--many are glorified dope dealers with a license. Not an opinion--but a fact. If you do not believe me, look up INSYS. A lot of doctors pushed fentanyl and made tons of money off of it. They PRESCRIBED. Oxycontin is another story. Big pharma and their dope dealing docs laugh all the way to the bank living champagne and caviar lifestyles.

Most addicts get their junk from prescriptions. Methadone has its place, but in my opinion doctors should endeavor to wean people off of it. It's basically replacing one addiction with another. It seems they just keep them on it for life supplying junk a population of junkies; big pharma has become the supplier. Junkies are junkies, and will remain junkies unless treated and weaned off. Keep in mind people get hooked on methadone and need to detox from that. Wow. There are detox facilities that wean people off of junk such as methadone:

https://family-intervention.com/blog/key-facts-about-methadone-detox-and-withdrawal-timeline/

I know one thing--if my husband got addicted due to prescriptions, I will sue that doctor for malpractice without batting an eyelash. I would not let them get away with that. In fact I would go so far as to call the sheriff's department and complain this or that doctor got my loved one hooked on narcotics and want to file a complaint. That is exactly how "pill mill" dope dealing doctors get arrested--just because it is under the guise of a prescription it is still dope. They will send out an undercover officer and find out what is going on.

If you feel he is a danger to himself, you can call the police and have a wellness check and request he be involuntarily admitted to the psychiatric unit -- if your state allows that. In Florida this is known as a Baker Act. Other states have other names for it. Once in the psychiatric unit psychiatrists will make a determination of his competency. From that point a legal guardian can be appointed. A visiting Justice visits the psychiatric unit and can write court orders regarding guardianship.

IF the psychiatrists deem him competent he has the right to live any way he wants and there is nothing you can do about it.

So call the police department and see what they can do for you. They know the state laws and often they have the power to write an order of Baker Act (or whatever your state calls it--IF your state does that sort of thing). I would call the police FIRST; if they do nothing, have a chat with their supervisor. Failing that, then call APS. But don't be surprised if nobody does anything. You need to keep on trying and go to the top if you have to.

Methadone is NOT a safe drug. Not only can it cause falls and confusion, it can cause severe BOWEL impaction--their stools get hard as rocks and cannot pass them. Narcotics can also cause an incarcerated (twisted) bowel which will kill the intestines and the person can die from that. The bowel can twist and without blood circulation the organ dies and rots from inside the person. This is known as "necrotic bowel syndrome" and it IS a medical emergency.

Further, if the person drinks alcohol or takes other drugs they can die from respiratory failure.

Sorry I have a very low opinion of doctors because they too can become corrupt because they sure love that money.

Just chiming in to affirm that you should get support for yourself through NarcAnon. You cannot have his recovery for him. You are not responsible for his happiness or success. May you receive peace in your heart as you put up healthy and protective boundaries for yourself .

I'm so sorry. I understand. Last year we lost my nephew and my brother to addiction, both living the way your father is, but covering for themselves very well every time we tried to intervene. My brother called the police on us when we sent an ambulance for him. He had fallen on his porch in the rain and couldn't get up. His neighbors saw and helped him inside. He refused the ambulance and convinced the police that we were the crazy ones. My nephew allowed other drug addicts to live in his beautiful house and destroy it. When he went into diabetic shock, they let him die instead of calling an ambulance. The clean up of their homes after they died was so sad and exasperating. They were both talented, sweet, and amazing people caught up in addiction. My brother was agoraphobic and afraid to leave his home, so it literally fell down around him. He never let anyone in it, so we had no idea of the mess until he was gone. My nephew was type 1 diabetic, so drugs and drinking were a terrible idea for him. Yes, call Adult Protective Services. I hope they can help your father. You can't.

Dear Alone in chaos,
Get into another Narc anon or even alanon- you can’t fix him. Keep your self sane. Call elder services- they can assess his situation.

Sounds like your father is mentally capable of making his own decisions and understanding the consequences. Please allow him to suffer the consequences of his poor decision-making. He will not reach what most in NA or AA call "the bottom", the place where they realize they need to stop using, if you keep rescuing him. Step back and allow him to reach this point in his life, for his sake and for your own sanity.

Please, please, please consider going to Alanon, or group for friends and family of substance abusers. NA and AA are for substance abusers only. You need the care of others who have already walked this road AND their advice. Take their advice.

I'm very happy to hear that you're going to Nar-Anon. That is a great organization and you will find support there.
As I'm sure you well know, there is no forcing an addict to do anything. Your father may not be active in his addiction anymore, but he's never changed his addict behavior. He still lives in it and in drug culture.
In AA which I know about, this is called being a 'dry drunk'. That's a person who doesn't drink anymore but still takes no responsibility and accountability for themselves, their actions or their deeds even when they've hurt others and are still hurting them.
Call APS on your father and call the police too. The cops will start doing regular wellness checks on him if APS tells them to.
Then you step back. You don't being food or buy groceries anymore. You don't give him a ride anywhere or buy his cigarettes. You do absolutely nothing for him. Even though he's on a methadone program he is not in recovery. Help him by trying to get him into a 12-step program. The only ride you should be giving him is the one to an NA meeting.
I'm sure you'll hear all of this in Nar-Anon if you haven't already. All of it is true. You can't enable him anymore.

As hard as it is, you need to Step Back.
Your Father has his own mind and it's his business what he does.
You are not POA.
What you need to do is stop going over there to bring him groceries, cigarettes, ect.
Then maybe he will see that he needs to spend his money on food, ect.
As long as you keep providing him with what he wants then why change.
When I visit, I would just bring him and bring him one thing like a Meal Replacement Drink or a hamburger or whatever you think he might like.
He's the Adult and has chosen his life style.
He gets money and he can have cigarettes delivered to him or get them from one of the people he allows to live at his house.
He can also order food to be delivered.
Let him live his life and you live yours.
Donto go and clean his house!

He can hire and pay someone to do it. You are not his Maid, you are his daughter so don't let him use you for a maid, delivery person, cook, ect.

Adult Protective Services will evaluate for 'Elder at Risk' which by your story, he clearly is. They will most likely call in the Board of Health and Fire and Police services if necessary. At this stage, you need to step away and take care of yourself. You cannot resolve this and must give yourself the grace and love to separate. Find ways to give yourself the peace you need to survive.

The bottom line is this: You can't save a person from himself.

You ARE helpless and hopeless to change your father. It must be HE who wants to change. Otherwise, you are sucked into HIS vortex of chaos. Over & over again, like a moth to the flame.

We can blame doctors for addiction, we can blame society, we can blame anyone & everyone all we like. The idea is never to blame the PERSON himself for what he chooses to smoke, to drink, to swallow, to put into his body in the first place, right? Wrong. Your father needs to accept responsibility for himself. Period. And, until that happens, you are powerless to change one single thing he does.

He will continue to live the addict's lifestyle by inviting low life people into his hoarded home or to camp out on his driveway. That's his prerogative. It's also your prerogative to disassociate yourself from him until & unless HE shows YOU that he's taken the necessary steps to change his lifestyle.

Until such a thing happens, you're just spinning your wheels and causing yourself sickness & heartache over what HE is choosing to bring on HIMSELF.

Let go now. Leave him to his own devices. Call APS & the police and get your father on their radar so they can step in and intervene if/when the need arises. You've done all you can do. The ball is in HIS court now. And know that if your father winds up dying as a result of his lifestyle, he's made that decision of his own volition and he lived & died on HIS terms

My brother in law was 70 when he recently died in the parking lot of Wal-Mart. He led a hard lifestyle for decades and lived in a motel with his cigarettes and his video games, all alone in filth, as he wished. He had COPD but chose to continue smoking, which was his right. He keeled over in the parking lot and the autopsy determined that he died of complications from COPD. It took my husband an hour to clean out the entirety of his brother's LIFE from that motel room, all in 3 boxes he brought home reeking of smoke. The rest he had to throw in the dumpster b/c the stuff was too wretched to even donate to Goodwill. But hey, his brother lived life on HIS terms and died on his terms as well, so we can't feel too badly for him. He will be missed b/c we loved him, just as he was, but we weren't able to help him b/c he didn't WANT help.

Wishing you the best of luck taking care of YOURSELF now, and letting your father live life as he sees fit.

It seems to be a life-long process of you believing / feeling you need to take care of him. At some point (now), you need to let go and find out who you are underneath the the wounding caused by his choices. This means you need to make a major decision about your own life and the quality of life you want to lead - 'be'

Get into therapy ASAP.
You are behaving as a 'co-dependent.' Get into an "Anonymous' program for co-dependents ASAP. Do you judge yourself for your behavior. Until one decides or understands what runs them, they are unable to make positive behavioral choices. You are like a wounded bird. Time to find out that you DO have wings meant to FLY (away).

That you say you are 'considering' calling APS says a lot. This should have been done perhaps months (or years?) ago. Due to your relationship / wounding background, you do not have the inner resources to make needed decision - for his welfare or yours.
You need professional help.

Gena / Touch Matters

Call protective services. You have run through many other options. Don’t consider any past endeavor as a failure or a waste of your time, think of each of them as giving your father every possible option as well as giving you the knowledge that you tried your best.

Guardianship is an option. The people living with him will need to be evicted -- good luck with that. I'd call Adult Protective Services and go from there. And please keep attending Nar-Anon meetings.

Sonds cruel to be kind, if you can not save the other person, save yourself. You have tried and have to know your limitations. Contact Adult Protective Services and find an elder attorney quick!

With your father's mistreatment of you and others, horrible behavior and completely unacceptable, and his way of life, WHY ARE YOU SO CONCERNED ABOUT HIM? Do not be a fool. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HE IS AND HOW HE LIVES. He is mean, stubborn, and a foolish idiot who wants to control everything. It is time for you to realize what he is doing to you and decide if you are going to allow it. I hope you will stand up and say that enough is enough and walk away - but turn it over to Adult Protective Services first. They will investigate and assume the burden for him. YOU HAVE TO THINK OF YOU NOW, NOT HIM. This man deserves nothing from you - don't let him harm you any longer.