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My relationship with my father has always been strained. He has always chose to do things "his way" no matter the detriment to others. He has pushed everyone who loves him away. His brand new house has turned into a hoard in a years time and he has spent his life savings in the process. His house is infested and he is refusing medical treatment. He is at the point that he can hardly walk, and is hardly eating. He has horrible people in and out of his house and I am not certain all of the activity that takes place there. He had a home invasion a few weeks ago by a local gang member. He never tells me anything and I found out second hand. The house is beyond me trying to clean it on my own. I found a service to come in, help clean and fumigate. He told me he found a service of his own, and then spent the money on more junk for his house. He has a few people living with him, even a guy living in a van in his backyard and another one in his driveway. I am falling apart trying to help by buying groceries or bringing food. He only calls me when he needs a ride, money or cigarettes. I am considering calling Adult Protective Services because I feel hopeless. My father has a living trust, however I am only able to make health decisions at the point he is basically on life support. He is frail, skin and bones and withering away. I tried to call an ambulance yesterday and it ended up me walking out. I feel lost. It's taking it's toll on me and my mental health. I attended my first Nar-Anon meeting last night as a way to try to cope, but I still feel helpless and hopeless.

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Definitely call APS!! Coming from someone that was on drugs for 15 years. When you get to that she you really dont care. His reliance is on that drug. Hes prob scared he wont have anymore. Call them explain the situation. Maybe even get a mental health order pick up on him. You will have to go to mental health first. Then to the sheriff office. Good luck.
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You are considering APS - why? Why haven't you called them and walked away, there is nothing you can do if he has been a long term addict and chosen this way of life. Do what you can - which is phone APS and accept you can do nothing to change him, and its your health you need to be looking after.
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are you living in the house? i would hope not. do what you need to do and whatever happens, will happen. you can't help someone that don't want help. get the counseling that will help you. refuse to get him anything other than food/water. apparently he will find a way to get other stuff. it is a sad situation, but take care of yourself first. i sure wish you luck.
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While this is a hard pill to swallow, he is an adult and is always going to do things his way. You should call APS you will have to let them know he is a risk to himself and a few other things. They may or may not do anything, I can't say one way or another especially with Covid-19. Another option is to see if the local police will do a wellness check on him, you could say you have not heard from him in a while and if you have tried to call him, he doesn't answer and you are worried. When my dad was behaving poorly I too called an ambulance and the local police came and basically directed him to the ambulance so he would go. The stress my dad was causing me was so intense that I was on the verge of a total mental breakdown. I was told by not only the doctor that took care of him but the mental health therapist I ended up seeing as I felt ridden with guilt was pretty much the same. "Your health is important, you should not allow your dad to inflict this kind of stress on you" Some people do not know what they are doing to others, while other people completely know and continue to do so as they think it is fun to watch other people suffer. NEVER allow your dad to make you feel GUILTY. Please take care of yourself and just know that you have done everything you can do for your dad and now you have to let it go and move on with your life or you will no longer have any type of life. Best wishes
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You take care of YOU. He is already taking care of himself. Some people have to die for others to realize how serious this disease is. Don't kill yourself watching him kill himself.

My prayers are with you. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!
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I say call APS to have him checked on. Other than that there is nothing you can do when he doesn't want help or to help himself. It is too sad watching LO's devolve and do nothing to help themselves.

Instead of taking groceries can you set up an account and have the groceries delivered to him so you can step back.

Continue to attend Nar-Anon and take care of yourself - you are doing the best you can in a terrible situation.

I pray you find your center again and lead a healthy life and lend whatever support you can within reason to your father.
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AloneInChaos: You cannot save your father from his crutch. HE is the one who must want to let go of the habit.
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How did he end up in a brand new home a year ago? A functioning addict??? Or family bought it for him? He got money from somewhere for that. Apparently he is of relatively sound mind because he was clear enough to avoid getting in an ambulance.

Call APS and let them see the interior of home and talk to him. It's very possible he will pass their interview as well. Living in a dirty home is not enough to remove him from the home. Home owners association can come down on him if the hoard is outdoors. Police can be notified of illegal activity. Other than that, he may continue to live as he always has, by his own terms...sad as it is.
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I would also call the police about the gang members hanging out there. They are there for money or drugs. Get those people out one way or another.
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I would call protective services on him right away.
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I am so sorry- others choices can wreck us- it is the sad fact of life.
His problems are what he made. Do not take ownership. He is illogical.
We want better with our whole heart but they throw that to the trash.

Get yourself all the help you need for you. look to free your feelings -you have nothing to feel you need to be responsible for- it is the evil of the addiction. He traded drugs and the consequences for them.
It is hard hard to see someone self destruct. I hope you can find beautiful places as a respite, and loving friends to grieve with you
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That is a nightmare. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s hard when you want to help them more than they want to help themselves. You’re the only one that can make that decision but if it were me- I would call. It sounds like he’s hit rock bottom and showing signs of digging.
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With your father's mistreatment of you and others, horrible behavior and completely unacceptable, and his way of life, WHY ARE YOU SO CONCERNED ABOUT HIM? Do not be a fool. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HE IS AND HOW HE LIVES. He is mean, stubborn, and a foolish idiot who wants to control everything. It is time for you to realize what he is doing to you and decide if you are going to allow it. I hope you will stand up and say that enough is enough and walk away - but turn it over to Adult Protective Services first. They will investigate and assume the burden for him. YOU HAVE TO THINK OF YOU NOW, NOT HIM. This man deserves nothing from you - don't let him harm you any longer.
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Sonds cruel to be kind, if you can not save the other person, save yourself. You have tried and have to know your limitations. Contact Adult Protective Services and find an elder attorney quick!
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Guardianship is an option. The people living with him will need to be evicted -- good luck with that. I'd call Adult Protective Services and go from there. And please keep attending Nar-Anon meetings.
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Call protective services. You have run through many other options. Don’t consider any past endeavor as a failure or a waste of your time, think of each of them as giving your father every possible option as well as giving you the knowledge that you tried your best.
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JWill0308 Aug 2021
Agreed.
I have repeatedly told my mom (who is not nearly as bad!) that if something does happen I will have no guilt. Ive done everything I possibly can and I’ve pushed the limit so many times it’s ugly.
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It seems to be a life-long process of you believing / feeling you need to take care of him. At some point (now), you need to let go and find out who you are underneath the the wounding caused by his choices. This means you need to make a major decision about your own life and the quality of life you want to lead - 'be'

Get into therapy ASAP.
You are behaving as a 'co-dependent.' Get into an "Anonymous' program for co-dependents ASAP. Do you judge yourself for your behavior. Until one decides or understands what runs them, they are unable to make positive behavioral choices. You are like a wounded bird. Time to find out that you DO have wings meant to FLY (away).

That you say you are 'considering' calling APS says a lot. This should have been done perhaps months (or years?) ago. Due to your relationship / wounding background, you do not have the inner resources to make needed decision - for his welfare or yours.
You need professional help.

Gena / Touch Matters
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The bottom line is this: You can't save a person from himself.

You ARE helpless and hopeless to change your father. It must be HE who wants to change. Otherwise, you are sucked into HIS vortex of chaos. Over & over again, like a moth to the flame.

We can blame doctors for addiction, we can blame society, we can blame anyone & everyone all we like. The idea is never to blame the PERSON himself for what he chooses to smoke, to drink, to swallow, to put into his body in the first place, right? Wrong. Your father needs to accept responsibility for himself. Period. And, until that happens, you are powerless to change one single thing he does.

He will continue to live the addict's lifestyle by inviting low life people into his hoarded home or to camp out on his driveway. That's his prerogative. It's also your prerogative to disassociate yourself from him until & unless HE shows YOU that he's taken the necessary steps to change his lifestyle.

Until such a thing happens, you're just spinning your wheels and causing yourself sickness & heartache over what HE is choosing to bring on HIMSELF.

Let go now. Leave him to his own devices. Call APS & the police and get your father on their radar so they can step in and intervene if/when the need arises. You've done all you can do. The ball is in HIS court now. And know that if your father winds up dying as a result of his lifestyle, he's made that decision of his own volition and he lived & died on HIS terms

My brother in law was 70 when he recently died in the parking lot of Wal-Mart. He led a hard lifestyle for decades and lived in a motel with his cigarettes and his video games, all alone in filth, as he wished. He had COPD but chose to continue smoking, which was his right. He keeled over in the parking lot and the autopsy determined that he died of complications from COPD. It took my husband an hour to clean out the entirety of his brother's LIFE from that motel room, all in 3 boxes he brought home reeking of smoke. The rest he had to throw in the dumpster b/c the stuff was too wretched to even donate to Goodwill. But hey, his brother lived life on HIS terms and died on his terms as well, so we can't feel too badly for him. He will be missed b/c we loved him, just as he was, but we weren't able to help him b/c he didn't WANT help.

Wishing you the best of luck taking care of YOURSELF now, and letting your father live life as he sees fit.
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Adult Protective Services will evaluate for 'Elder at Risk' which by your story, he clearly is. They will most likely call in the Board of Health and Fire and Police services if necessary. At this stage, you need to step away and take care of yourself. You cannot resolve this and must give yourself the grace and love to separate. Find ways to give yourself the peace you need to survive.
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As hard as it is, you need to Step Back.
Your Father has his own mind and it's his business what he does.
You are not POA.
What you need to do is stop going over there to bring him groceries, cigarettes, ect.
Then maybe he will see that he needs to spend his money on food, ect.
As long as you keep providing him with what he wants then why change.
When I visit, I would just bring him and bring him one thing like a Meal Replacement Drink or a hamburger or whatever you think he might like.
He's the Adult and has chosen his life style.
He gets money and he can have cigarettes delivered to him or get them from one of the people he allows to live at his house.
He can also order food to be delivered.
Let him live his life and you live yours.
Donto go and clean his house!

He can hire and pay someone to do it. You are not his Maid, you are his daughter so don't let him use you for a maid, delivery person, cook, ect.
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I'm very happy to hear that you're going to Nar-Anon. That is a great organization and you will find support there.
As I'm sure you well know, there is no forcing an addict to do anything. Your father may not be active in his addiction anymore, but he's never changed his addict behavior. He still lives in it and in drug culture.
In AA which I know about, this is called being a 'dry drunk'. That's a person who doesn't drink anymore but still takes no responsibility and accountability for themselves, their actions or their deeds even when they've hurt others and are still hurting them.
Call APS on your father and call the police too. The cops will start doing regular wellness checks on him if APS tells them to.
Then you step back. You don't being food or buy groceries anymore. You don't give him a ride anywhere or buy his cigarettes. You do absolutely nothing for him. Even though he's on a methadone program he is not in recovery. Help him by trying to get him into a 12-step program. The only ride you should be giving him is the one to an NA meeting.
I'm sure you'll hear all of this in Nar-Anon if you haven't already. All of it is true. You can't enable him anymore.
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Geaton777 Aug 2021
AloneInChaos, yes - enabling and co-dependency are not helpful in the mix of another's addiction and NarcAnon will help you see things more objectively.
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Sounds like your father is mentally capable of making his own decisions and understanding the consequences. Please allow him to suffer the consequences of his poor decision-making. He will not reach what most in NA or AA call "the bottom", the place where they realize they need to stop using, if you keep rescuing him. Step back and allow him to reach this point in his life, for his sake and for your own sanity.

Please, please, please consider going to Alanon, or group for friends and family of substance abusers. NA and AA are for substance abusers only. You need the care of others who have already walked this road AND their advice. Take their advice.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2021
Taarna,

The father is in a methadone program and not actively getting high anymore.
He isn't in recovery though because he's still in addict behavior and living in drug culture.
AloneInChaos belongs to Nar-Anon.
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Dear Alone in chaos,
Get into another Narc anon or even alanon- you can’t fix him. Keep your self sane. Call elder services- they can assess his situation.
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I'm so sorry. I understand. Last year we lost my nephew and my brother to addiction, both living the way your father is, but covering for themselves very well every time we tried to intervene. My brother called the police on us when we sent an ambulance for him. He had fallen on his porch in the rain and couldn't get up. His neighbors saw and helped him inside. He refused the ambulance and convinced the police that we were the crazy ones. My nephew allowed other drug addicts to live in his beautiful house and destroy it. When he went into diabetic shock, they let him die instead of calling an ambulance. The clean up of their homes after they died was so sad and exasperating. They were both talented, sweet, and amazing people caught up in addiction. My brother was agoraphobic and afraid to leave his home, so it literally fell down around him. He never let anyone in it, so we had no idea of the mess until he was gone. My nephew was type 1 diabetic, so drugs and drinking were a terrible idea for him. Yes, call Adult Protective Services. I hope they can help your father. You can't.
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earlybird Aug 2021
What a sad story, Artist. I am so sorry for your loss and all the stress you and family had to go through. My brother was there and drugs could have killed him . I remember crying myself to sleep at 16 years old. He beat the drugs finally but it did take him enlisting in the Navy per my dads request. The Navy helped him straighten out his life fo the better. He got his Masters degree and became a teacher. I never took drugs but was offered them by so called friends. I gave up my so called friends not too long after encouraging me to take drugs. My heart goes out to all who had to endure such heartache with family members on drugs.
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Just chiming in to affirm that you should get support for yourself through NarcAnon. You cannot have his recovery for him. You are not responsible for his happiness or success. May you receive peace in your heart as you put up healthy and protective boundaries for yourself .
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The problem with a lot of doctors is that they too make money off of addiction and make no effort to get people weaned off of junk--many are glorified dope dealers with a license. Not an opinion--but a fact. If you do not believe me, look up INSYS. A lot of doctors pushed fentanyl and made tons of money off of it. They PRESCRIBED. Oxycontin is another story. Big pharma and their dope dealing docs laugh all the way to the bank living champagne and caviar lifestyles.

Most addicts get their junk from prescriptions. Methadone has its place, but in my opinion doctors should endeavor to wean people off of it. It's basically replacing one addiction with another. It seems they just keep them on it for life supplying junk a population of junkies; big pharma has become the supplier. Junkies are junkies, and will remain junkies unless treated and weaned off. Keep in mind people get hooked on methadone and need to detox from that. Wow. There are detox facilities that wean people off of junk such as methadone:

https://family-intervention.com/blog/key-facts-about-methadone-detox-and-withdrawal-timeline/

I know one thing--if my husband got addicted due to prescriptions, I will sue that doctor for malpractice without batting an eyelash. I would not let them get away with that. In fact I would go so far as to call the sheriff's department and complain this or that doctor got my loved one hooked on narcotics and want to file a complaint. That is exactly how "pill mill" dope dealing doctors get arrested--just because it is under the guise of a prescription it is still dope. They will send out an undercover officer and find out what is going on.

If you feel he is a danger to himself, you can call the police and have a wellness check and request he be involuntarily admitted to the psychiatric unit -- if your state allows that. In Florida this is known as a Baker Act. Other states have other names for it. Once in the psychiatric unit psychiatrists will make a determination of his competency. From that point a legal guardian can be appointed. A visiting Justice visits the psychiatric unit and can write court orders regarding guardianship.

IF the psychiatrists deem him competent he has the right to live any way he wants and there is nothing you can do about it.

So call the police department and see what they can do for you. They know the state laws and often they have the power to write an order of Baker Act (or whatever your state calls it--IF your state does that sort of thing). I would call the police FIRST; if they do nothing, have a chat with their supervisor. Failing that, then call APS. But don't be surprised if nobody does anything. You need to keep on trying and go to the top if you have to.

Methadone is NOT a safe drug. Not only can it cause falls and confusion, it can cause severe BOWEL impaction--their stools get hard as rocks and cannot pass them. Narcotics can also cause an incarcerated (twisted) bowel which will kill the intestines and the person can die from that. The bowel can twist and without blood circulation the organ dies and rots from inside the person. This is known as "necrotic bowel syndrome" and it IS a medical emergency.

Further, if the person drinks alcohol or takes other drugs they can die from respiratory failure.

Sorry I have a very low opinion of doctors because they too can become corrupt because they sure love that money.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2021
cetude,

It's also always a good idea when you're prescribed narcotic pain medications to use

ONLY AS DIRECTED

Yes, read the directions. Doctors have an obligation to instruct and teach their patients about the proper use of narcotic medication.
These drugs are meant to make a person's pain level tolerable. They are not intended to make them pain-free or high, and many misuse and abuse these drugs when they are prescribed to them.
No one ever mentions how many people who get hooked on prescription drugs were prior to them being prescribed drugs were recreational drug users. Or had a previous issue with drug use. Doctors have a responsibility to their patients, but people have to take some responsibility and educate themselves on how to properly use narcotic medications.
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Call Social services.
I saved my neighbor who lives behind me by calling.
Her adopted adult son who was in and out of jail, and his ex-wife, we’re using her credit card and ignoring her!
She was down to 80 pounds.
All the church going neighbors, “didn’t want to get involved?” 😳
Social Services came immediately, and she was placed in an immaculate “memory care” facility.
I went to see her to make sure.
The “son” was forced to sell the house he had since destroyed.
Ex-wife drove away in “mother-in-laws”, car she signed over to herself.
Nobody cared about the financial abuse. 🤨
We have to help each other, full stop- ❤️
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The whole purpose of APS and similar services is for situations like yours. There is nothing to feel bad about. It's clearly too much for you to watch him live this way but he also was living this way before he became frail given his drug history so this is comfortable living to him. I would contact services and see how they can help so you don't have to do everything. If he finishes his life somewhere clean and infestation free, that's the worst that could happen. Republicans tend to make people feel like trash for using public assistance like APS but people NEED these services and there's nothing wrong or trashy about it. You pay taxes so you and you're dad are entitled to the help you paid for so not using it is wasteful, not the other way around. Not sure what else makes u feel bad about calling them but all it is is help taking care of business - like calling a handy man. Nothing right or wrong about it - either you want the help or you don't. Sounds like you should take it because he is too much work for 1 person.
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You’ve done an admirable job trying to help your father. I’m sorry he doesn’t want the help and that you’re deprived of having the father you deserve. Calling APS would be doing him a favor, even if there’s no change he’ll be on their radar for when the time comes. I hope you’ll back away from this, sadly, it’s not fixable and your own health could be at stake. I wish you peace
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I agree with a lot of comments that have been made. I want to add if you call Adult Protective Services, you can ask to remain anonymous. I had to call APS on my parents at one point and did this. I was worried that if I wasn’t anonymous, they would push me away so I couldn’t make sure they were okay. APS kept it anonymous. I second everyone who has said please taking care of yourself and your mental health. Also, there may be people going to his house that could hurt you if they think you want to disrupt what they have going on there.

I made myself sick trying to help my parents who didn’t truly want my help. I look back now and see I was used and i wasted part of my life on so much stress and efforts related to them. This stress negatively affected other parts of my life and my decisions. Please think of yourself, he is not.
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