I am an only child. My father is a life long addict, on Methadone, living in filth and refusing medical treatment. I am falling apart.

I am sorry this is happening to you. My mother went to the doctors and told them about her son here is what the doc told her there is a tiny piece of drug that is in bedded in his brain that makes him want drugs or do the things that he does. My mother had to learn the hard way with her son she did all what you are doing for your father and kept telling me its my son I have to do this for him. What we were told by a therapist you are enabling him. Stop the bank. If he wants the help he will find it. Your father knows what he is doing just like my brother knows what he is doing(my brother is 64). We were also told not to hoover around the phone because they know you are there and you will pick up. We had to call the police on my brother because he was sleeping in his truck but going between the houses and looking in the windows thinking it was ours but it wasn't. The neighbor next door told us what he was doing called it tweaking before this I never heard that word before. If you cut ties don't think its your fault that he is this way. My mother says that we don't know the truth what my brother tells us because we aren't there. My brother has been doing this most of his life with drugs first it was marijuana then steroids, then opiods, then crack, then meth, he has milked his mother out of $30,000 because he would tell us that he would go commit suicide. She has since cut ties she will listen to him on the phone if he comes around she will listen to him but no money ever changes hands anymore. She thought she was helping him get his vehicles fixed nope it went for drugs.
Keep with a therapist they will help you help yourself. I know it has helped us. My pastor told me to tell him I love him but I can't be in your life so I distance myself from him. My well being is more important than dealing with the stress of him. Remember stress kills you don't need this stress in your life. Remember the good times with your father. Do a wealth fare check on him if you have it with your police dept. We have had to do this too. Since my brother is a veteran they say to call the ambulance but what they don't tell you is they can refuse it unless they are saying they will harm themselves.
Prayers for peace for you.

Nar-anon is number one to call right now if you haven’t already. I would also call APS just to have it on record. No more rides, no more money and no more contact. Start working on yourself. You have no real control over the situation.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Focus on your own life and safety. He is not cooperating and you can't force him to do things without locking him up. If you can help him by giving him a ride or taking him out for food from time to time, you could do that. Adult Protective Services may appoint a guardian for him. Think about whether you want to be his guardian. If he becomes a ward of the state, someone else may be assigned as guardian and they will take over all of his affairs (and money).

Call Adult Protective Services, and then seek some therapy for yourself to convince you that you are not responsible for him and his historic treatment of you is abuse. You have the right to your own life, he has made his choices and you need to be out of it and accept you have the right to be out of it and look after your own health.

I saw a doco recently from another point of view.

Different situation but similar in a way.. A man with severe mental illness (not sure if substances were included, drink I think) seemed quite happy with his life, despite living on the street. He had his hobbies, his favorites places, his regular people he spoke to, was well known & liked by many. He was also unkempt, unbathed, dirty.

The tragic part was the wife & children who'd had to let him go. At some stage (once the kids had grown) they all tried to find him, clean him up, get him off the streets. He only just remembered his life as a father & husband. His life was in the here & now. It was enough for him.

Eventually the kids said goodbye again & left him to his life.

I read a beautiful quote about it being ok to move forward for your own growth when needed, even if it meant leaving someone behind sometimes. I'll try to find it.

Please, drop the guilt, its self imposed. You did nothing that caused your Dad to become an addict and you can't change him at this point. You can call APS and have them investigate, if they do nothing then they feel that Dad is capable of making his own decisions. They probably will get his "tenants" off the property. In my State, you can't live in a van or camper on residential property.

You can't live Dads life. Do what you want to do but realize thats all he is going to allow u to do. You need to get yourself ready for the inevitable an know, none of this is your fault.

I am so very sorry that you are struggling with this. It’s so stinking hard! I tried for so many years to help my brother who was an addict with HepC. It nearly killed me. Please do not ever try to clean his home again. I used to tidy up for my brother until one day, when I almost pricked my finger on a used needle.

Addicts are suffering and are only able to care about their next fix. They are in such a dark place that they can’t see beyond their own pain. They will hurt anyone in their path. Please walk away. Take care of yourself. Allow others to care for him.

Addiction is a horrible disease. Some are fortunate enough to go into recovery. Others like my brother could never beat his demons. I pray for all who are struggling with any kind of substance abuse. I pray for families of addicts.

I have enormous compassion for addicts. but I had to learn that I didn’t have the power to change my brother. He died with HepC shortly before turning 70. I have equal compassion for families of addicts.

Please attend Al-Anon. I will certainly keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I have walked in your shoes and I wouldn’t wish this suffering on anyone. It’s not just the addict who suffers. It’a also the entire family.

I wish you peace as you navigate your way through this difficult time in your life. Take care and many hugs.

You are in a horrible situation. I’m also an only child of divorced parents. We tend to take on total responsibility for our parents. You have done all one person can do. I would call APS and tell them you can not give him the care he needs. Stand strong with this statement. Step away. Rebuild your life, sanity and health. You absolutely matter. Your life matters. Your peace matters. Your dad made decisions long ago that have resulted in this lifestyle. You have done all you can do. Please take care of yourself by backing away. No more money for alcohol and cigarettes. If it helps you to feel better, drop off food on occasion. My heart breaks for you. This is living under high levels of stress.

I do not think he is capable of making sound decisions for himself. He is living in filth and not eating. It seems to me he needs someone to intervene for him. I would certainly call Protective Services and maybe they can direct you further. Do not give him money for him to blow on booze but ok to buy some food for him. So sorry, it must be so stressful to see your dad like this. Hope you find some answers and your dad gets treatment soon. Good luck.

Call Adult Protective Services and then stop all contact. You cannot help him. He is an addict and enabling him with cigarettes and money for junk isn't helping him. You cannot evict his "tenants". You cannot save him from himself.

There's a reason everyone else has left him. Focus on the good things in your life and, sadly, your father isn't among them. My brother gave me one of the best pieces of advice ever: you don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.

I agree with jkm999, as I recovering alcoholic as much as family and friends wanted to change me when I was drinking they could not. No way!

You need to go to meetings and find out that you can't change your Dad no matter what, only your Dad has to "want" to change. All you can change is yourself and your reactions to your Dad. I think you need to emotionally separate yourself from him and in order to do that you need help.

I wish I had a flowery answer for you but I don't. I lived it and I resented anyone who tried to change me during those dark years. I finally said to myself that I didn't want to live that way anymore so I sought out help. I'm over 35 years sober now but only because I wanted to become sober.

I feel your pain, I really do.

I wish you the best!
Jenna

Step away from all of this. Get a Nar-Anon sponsor ASAP and reach out to them. You can't fix your father and you can't fix this situation. Unless he has dementia Adult Protective Services is unlikely to be of much help. He is capable of making his own decisions and makes bad ones. People are allowed to do that. We are allowed to not support those decisions. Hard as it will be, just step away.