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My dad is in the mid stages of Alzheimer’s. He has been diagnosed and is on meds. My mom is his primary caregiver. Two sons live within 2 miles of them, I live about 20 miles away. I’ve accepted my siblings are going to be of no help, that is ok.

My worry is that my mom is not taking good care of my dad because she is in denial and mostly doesn’t want to have to deal with it.

Neither my mom nor my siblings are willing to read or watch any of the info I have sent them, which I have read and watched first. (Teepa  Snow videos and a book that was recommended here, along with online support groups). I realize I can’t force them but I’m worried about my dads health and well being.

My dad, along with Alzheimer’s has: a shunt in his head because of excess fluid, a left knee replacement, a left shoulder replacement, neuropathy (sp) in his feet, and is a fall risk. He falls at least once a month.

Here are the issues I find concerning:
Mom and Dad went on a 3 week vacation to Australia last year. Mom slept almost the entire 18 hour flight home without ever making sure my dad got food or drink or got up to use the restroom (she already has him wearing pull ups and would rather just let him go in those than help him go every few hours). By the end of the flight my dad was incoherent and barely conscious. Even with oxygen he couldn’t remember anything about where he lived or who he was. They thought it was a stroke and he spent two days in a hospital in California and my 2 brothers had to drive down from Oregon to bring them home when he was discharged. Thankfully it wasn’t a stroke, he was severely dehydrated, hadn’t eaten and was getting sick so it created a perfect storm I guess. Since it wasn’t a stroke my mom thinks the entire situation was no big deal.

Last month they went to Hawaii for 2 weeks. The first day there they went on a coffee farm tour (super uneven ground) and he fell and broke his collarbone, they waited 2 days to go to a hospital.

He has started having visual hallucinations but they don’t upset him at this point.

The kicker happened a couple of days ago. Apparently they were at Home Depot and since my dad didn’t want to go inside my mom left him in the car without the keys and locked it. She was inside for an hour! My dad could not open the door and even a stranger in the parking lot tried to help him and he still couldnt figure it out. He was about to use their emergency tool to break the car window from the inside when my mom finally came out. It was probably at least 90 in the car. And the only reason I know is because my dad brought it up when I saw him.

She also just bought a new bed for their guest room so she can sleep in there because he wakes her up when he gets out of bed to go to the bathroom, and he has fallen several times already. She has to call one of my brothers to help get him up because she can’t do it by herself. She has no plan in place to alert her when he gets out of bed if she is sleeping in a room across the house.

She also still lets him drive even though he shouldn’t because it is convenient for her to have him run to the store for her or take himself to church when she doesn’t want to go.

They are resistant to having someone come in because my dad doesn’t think anything is wrong with him and my mom can’t admit they are at a point where they need help.

My question is what do I do? She does the 24/7 caregiving and it’s hard and I don’t want to diminish that. But I don’t know how to help her since she refuses to get educated about anything. She spends hours on her computer playing solitaire, looking up recipes etc so she has the time to learn she chooses not to. What are some suggestions to get them to get a caregiver. They have plenty of money to pay and I doubt they will ever qualify for Medicaid.

I am 35 with a husband and 2 kids. My husbands job means he is away from home for several days in a row and it’s never the same days each week and includes occasional weekends and holidays so I can’t be the free caregiver that my mom and siblings have assumed I will be. Thanks for letting me have a place to let out my worries!

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Sometimes an emergency has to happen before help is admittedly needed or recognized assisted living is necessary. Sounds like mom is in denial. Not much you can do. Mom, eventually will get exhausted and then maybe, maybe realise that she is not able to provide the care dad needs. There is always an option to have Adult Protective Services check in on dad. Or call the Area Agency on Aging to get an assessment done to determine needs.
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Thank the Lord you can't be the caretaker! They would wear you out and drive you crazy, believe me.... Do you really think they'll let you "manage" them at all? I know you want to help, and the stuff you're saying is horrific, but they will not listen to you, will they? Drop the guilt about not being available; just take care of your family, and when the crisis comes, help if you can, where you can. Most important - PRAY for them!
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I am saddened by your mother's inability to recognize the level of care your father needs. But, as I think back over my caregiving years, I realize that sometimes it was difficult to determine whether my father needed more or less care. He was a strong man and rarely admitted to needing help.

And I think if someone doesn't have the experience to recognize some symptoms, there's more likelihood of missing critical issues. How we can alert ourselves to those critical symptoms isn't always an easy task. I think it can be easy to rationalize a situation and miss the telltale signs.

I've been thinking that caregiving classes should be more available, perhaps through hospitals, or SNFs or memory care facilities. I would have welcomed insight on how to detect signals of change or other aspects of aging, including for myself.

I really think people need caregiving classes more than they need the literally proliferating exercise classes with gimmicks. They remind of the classic line in Gypsy - that "you gotta get a gimmick." Whatever happened to just plain exercise?

Gardengurl, I wish I had some advice to offer you. It must be painful to see your father being mistreated or ignored, but right now the only recourse I can think of is involving APS. But you don't really want to punish your mother - she just may be missing the seriousness of the situation.

Does she take him to medical appointments, and if so, could you brief the doctors before the appointments so they know what to look for and how to raise the subject of proper care?

Would she read any literature on Alz? Or go to any free classes? Do you think the preoccupation with solitaire is an escape activity?

If she doesn't want to care for him, could you bring in help, or would she resist having a caregiver in the house? Perhaps if you interviewed agencies, tried to set up some meet and greet situations....would she be more responsive if you took the initiative to get help?

Another thought is to contact the Alzheimer's Assn. and ask one of the social workers for suggestions.
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If your parents will cooperate, one idea is to call their local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a need assessment. Be prepared to attend so that when mom says that dad is independent, you can gently supply accurate information.

Armed with this info ( what the level of care needed, available resources) you can perhaps have a plan in place for when mom falls ill and dad needs more care; or if dad falls ill, to provide a baseline of his functioning.
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My first thought is what is the state of Mom's competency? She does not sound as though she is playing with a full deck either. Can you get her to have an evaluation?
has she always been so self centered or is this a new development?
Leaving all that aside how has their relationship been over the years. Does Mom really dislike Dad and simply wants as little to do with him as possible?
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Big ask here. How about the next time that your mum wants to go away, you offer to sit/take care of your dad?

I know it is a HUGE ask, but this way you can assess him, see what it is like to actually walk a mile in her shoes and may be get Area Agency on Aging to get an assessment done?

The biggest problem with doing this is, that you get sucked it and end up taking care of one or both on them. So be careful!

Such a problem. Good luck.
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Rock and a hard spot for sure.

I only want to say that do not offer to be caregiver, if they can afford it, it should be a trained professional. Your brothers think you should offer yourself for free caregiving aid, are they worried about their inheritance?

See if you can convince dad to wear a life alert, this will provide help when he falls in the night.

It sounds like your mum is playing ostrich or she herself is having some cognitive issues.

As others have said, sometimes it takes an emergency and pray it's not a tragedy that could have been avoided.

God be with your parents and keep them safe, and may He send you answers and help so they are both getting the help they need. HUGS 2 u!
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Thank you for all your replies. I have been lurking here for years and so having confirmation of some things is always nice. It’s because of all of you I realized I needed to not put myself in the position of caregiver/fixer of everything.

My mom has always been self centered and unable to have empathy for others. It wasn’t as obvious until now just how bad.

I grew up in a multigenerational farm family, my brother is the 3rd generation and one of his daughters will probably be continuing that tradition to make it a 4th generation. So my dad was very independent and a hard worker and would still be working if he could. He finally had to retire at 72 because of the Alzheimer’s, although I don’t think he retired in his mind. He will be 75 this fall.

I do the majority of their lawn and garden care (about 1.5 acres of lawn and flower gardens). So for a good part of the spring/summer/fall I am there and my mom makes sure to send my dad out to ‘help’ me. Which is fine with me because he is the sweetest most kind man. He is happy to hoe weeds and then sit and rest where I can see him. Sure, I have to modify what I am doing and make sure he is doing something safe while still feeling like he is contributing. My kids love being there and working outside too and my six year old even helps by bringing us glasses of water every couple of hours. I always make sure he has a snack or lunch depending on what time of day it is. When we have family functions I usually sit next to him so my mom can interact with others and have a good time. I know this is not at all the same as 24/7 and try really hard to remember that and not be unfair on her.

There was another incident last night. My brother was by their house feeding heifers (the pen is less than 200 feet from my parents house). My mom decided my dad needed exercise at dusk and sent him down to my brother to return a pan. My dad often falls when he gets going because he can’t stop his feet when he gets going, this is not a new problem it’s been going on for years but is getting worse. My brother wasn’t able to get to him fast enough so my dad fell, hit his head and had to go to the hospital for stitches. My mom didn’t even go and instead made my brother take my dad. He then had a reaction to the numbing medicine and his heart rate went really low for about ten minutes plus the hospital said he was dehydrated.

The only good to come from this is that my brother now actually agrees that we need to meet with mom and talk about things. Unfortunately he thinks talking to mom will then cause her to suddenly become a capable caregiver. I’ve been trying that for over 2 years, it’s not going to happen. So I am hoping to get him and mom on board with hiring in home caregivers. Hopefully that goes well, we are going to meet within the next few days. I already have information about in home caregiver agencies ready so hopefully I can at least make my brother see reason. He is the oldest and my parents tend to listen to him while treating me like I’m stupid and have no idea what I’m talking about.

My mom is definitely in denial. I think her vision of retirement was lots of traveling plus she was used to my dad working all day and she was free to spend her days doing whatever she wanted. She hasn’t accepted her new reality and has a 2 week cruise to Alaska already planned for this summer and is talking about a trip to the British Isles next year.

I suppose I will see how the meeting goes and then decide what to do after that.
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This is probably the best way mom feels to be able to handle dad without tiring out herself.
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Gardengurl,
First, you can stop looking at your Mom as Dad's caregiver, because she is no longer qualified, may be burnt out too.

If this continues down the same train track, an intervention will be necessary, and they will be separated into different facilities or housing. That is never ideal.

Looking for an assisted living apartment for both to be together could work, if it i s not too late for that.
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Here is an update, rather than meeting with me and my other siblings, my brother talked to my mom who insisted they do not want outside help although they may need it some time down the road. I asked my brother what his thoughts were.

This was his reply:

I think she is probably right but we need to make sure if she needs a break we step in. Cooking and cleaning are things that Mom loves. So I think she actually gets enjoyment out of taking care of dad. She likes to feel needed. She also doesn’t want to feel like they are giving up their independence. I think this last fall that dad just had has made Mom realize that she cannot have him do certain things. I guess we will try and monitor that here in the next couple weeks and see what he is doing. It is a tough situation because 99% of the time dad is not doing much and he is perfectly safe and happy. We just need to make sure mom knows what he is doing. And does not tell him to do crazy things!

My brothers involvement so far in taking care of my dad is to stop by the house for cookies and cakes that my mom always makes and trips to the ER with my dad and the occasional overnight stay if my dad has to be in the hospital overnight because my mom refuses to stay at night.

He is obviously in just as much denial as my mom and I feel there is nothing more I can do. I will not enable my moms terrible behavior. She won’t even turn on music or a tv show my dad likes when he is spending the entire afternoon sitting in his recliner. She is mentally and physically capable of caring for him, she chooses not to. He can still get dressed, showered etc. and in and out of chairs by himself so she isn’t having to physically maneuver him.

I am pretty angry right now but I have to step back. If anyone is so inclined I would really appreciate prayers because this is going to be hard. My brothers wife and my mom will be telling anyone who will listen what a rotten horrible person/daughter I am once they realize I am not going to be the child that ‘steps in to give her a break ‘

We don’t live in the same town but they are both rural and close enough that everyone knows everyone, or is somehow related, lol. They both have pretty narcissistic personalities so this will be nothing new.

I have done all I can and whatever happens is on them. I am so thankful to all of you here, I have no one to talk to about all this who has dealt with it.
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As my bedridden, incontinent husband’s sole caregiver, I totally understand burnout, stress, frustration and denial. If the funds were there, I’d place hubby in a facility even though I’m aware he’d be gone in a year. If things continue the way they are, I WILL be the one who’s “gone”. My kids could send me all the caregiving videos and tips they want, but when it comes down to it, I am the one who deals with a 68 year old’s dirty diapers and constant demands. And I don’t have the luxury of fantastic vacations. A trip to Subway is my “night out”.

Someone needs to get to your mom and kindly and lovingly talk to her about what’s going on. If they can afford those trips, they should be able to afford an aide to come in once a day. The aide can monitor Dad’s health and well-being, and Mom’s as well. The aide can also suggest alternate placement and put it in such a way that Mom and Dad will agree. Unless you’ve walked a daily mile in Mom’s shoes, you don’t know the day to day trials of what she’s going through.
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Gardengurl25, it is all denial on the part of your Mom and probably some part on your Dad.

My Mom was the same way except she was a helicopter spouse when it came to my Dad, thus very caring and hands-on but not realizing that being in their 90's, a simple fall for someone decades younger may result in no injuries, a fall when someone is in their 90's can be worrisome.

My Mom was still seeing Dad as this guy who could fix anything on her honey-do list, thus still thinking he was in his 50's instead of in his 90's. My Dad was still climbing up tall ladders. Also Dad would tumble over when outside pulling weeds. He would tumble over when trying to tie his shoes when sitting in his recliner. It wasn't easy for him to get up.

My Dad was just as much at fault regarding denial. Whenever he went outside he asked my Mom to keep a watch for him in case he fell. Dad forgot that Mom was legally blind and had lost most of her hearing. Numerous times neighbors would find Dad face down in the dirt, and my Mom looking out the window not quite sure what she is seeing... [sigh].

I tried to lure my folks into a tour at a wonderful retirement complex which had an indoor pool [Dad loved to swim],and very large 2,000sqft apartments. They looked at the brochure and said "maybe in a couple of years"..... oh, great guess they are waiting until they are 100 !!

Many of us here had to play the waiting game. Thus wait until something very serious happened before anything could be change. My Mom refusal of caregivers and moving into something safer was literally her down fall.... she spent her remaining months in long-term-care. And Dad sold the house and moved to Independent Living.
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I guess what all of this boils down to is competency. And there is no obvious answer. Your parents are adults and as such are free to make the decision to live as they do. I suspect she is of the belief that the more normal activities he does, the slower he loses those abilities. Her problem is not knowing how far the line has shifted in terms of how capable he is because she is so close to it. My suggestion about her desire to travel? Invite a responsible companion to travel with them. If it is not a family member (or two!) make sure that a good working relationship has been developed with them first. If she balks at having a "stranger helping in the house" point out that it would be good to "test drive" individuals just in case she is under the weather and your dad or she needs assistance. Instead of faulting her for sleeping elsewhere, empathize that she does need her sleep. Express your concern for dad, however, and suggest a baby monitor in his room or a lifeline button that registers a fall that your dad can wear. By introducing tinier accommodations and them benefitting from them, they may become more aware of the need and open to the various solutions.
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I feel for you! My mom was in denial but pretty much rejected my dad. She refused to cook so he went hungry. She refused to learn how to deal with a dementia patient and was mean and nasty to him. She ran off the home health care that was lined up. In my parents' case, I think my dad always did the "hard stuff" of life and mom was the one who got to pursue her hobbies and dreams. When dad could no longer take care of the day-to-day stuff like money management, bills, driving, decisions, etc., she seemed to get majorly pissed off. Several medical professionals have specifically told her: "he's not doing this TO you, this is happening TO him". Because she refused to care for him he had to be moved to memory care a year ago. Now she is filled with guilt and is miserable.
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garden, what I don’t like also is the emotional burden from this... try not to give in to guilt, etc. Can you schedule and attend his next dr appt. and lead the conversation to him receiving nurse visits a few days a week. Talk to the office staff ahead of time or send a letter, that’s what I did, and state all the things that have happened (in concise list form, with dates). It will be doctor prescribed, and may make more sense to everyone. These distant vacations are OFF the menu for him! Is there any existing connection to church or a civic group that you can leverage to solicit visits or some counseling for just you or the other siblings too?
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Well. If it were me I'd call social services, and make no bones about it.

Your mother isn't in denial, she is in hiding.

I don't blame her. She must be furious to find herself dealing with this. She is stuck with a useless deadbeat imposter instead of her husband. It is onerous, strenuous, depressing and miserable; and the light at the end of the tunnel really is only an oncoming train.

But your father needs better care than this, and your mother needs MUCH better, more structured support. The family isn't listening to you. Fine: then let them hear the reality from the professionals.
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Probably he should be in a memory-unit already, but an Assisted Living might be satisfactory for some time. Good places for old folks exist - with luck, even in your area. Our solution: Independent Living where we lived together in an apartment, with great services - and in the same compound, assisted living, which he needed after 3 years. Finally, he needed memory care, which was available several miles away. I drove it for months, then decided to move to an independent apt there - where we could have meals together.

There is a plan to protect the Well Mate's assets!
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Re FINANCIAL ASSETS: you said they're unlikely to ever need medicaid. But care, when needed (and accepted!), cause money to pour out faster than expected.
There is a government plan to protect the Well Mate's assets! The assets are divided; some may be put on hold. Enough remains for the well mate to live (and to keep the family home, if it is paid for or w/in the official limit, mortgagewise). And the one in need of care goes on Medicaid!
It may not be of interest to your parents - or family - for now. But it's worth knowing about, even planning for the possibility in advance.
This would have covered much of my husband's care, if we'd known about it in time. It may take months to get it in place.
A good Elderly Care lawyer will know how to set this up.
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Please don't wait for the next crisis. I would call his doctors (neurologist) office and speak with a nurse. When my mother was still driving when she shouldn't have been the doctor dealt with it. My mother was very angry with the doctor, but out of fear she complied. You have described elder abuse from neglect. You have a responsibility to report this to the doctor. If they do not comply with the doctors orders then you need to let the doctor know. If the neglect continues, then you or the doctor will need to contact social services. I have worked with social workers from going to caregiver support groups and they have been a wonderful resource and want to help. Alzheimers Association has lists of groups for you to attend. I highly recommend you go to a group. The more resources you have the more help and answers you'll get on how to deal with your situation. Keep us posted.
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Time to call an Elder attorney and get legal help. Your mom will probably be angry at you and your brothers also, although I would tell them what you are planning. It is time to blow the whistle and get help for your Dad. If you don't, you will regret it all your life for not stepping in. Your Mom is not in denial. She is selfish and wants to have the life she once had with your Dad. I can see no love there on her part. If these were strangers and someone reported her to the authorities, she would be charged in a court of law for abuse.
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This situation is so like my dad and mom’s situation over 6 years ago. My sister who lived close by was terminally ill and couldn’t help out, and I lived 350 miles away. I was traveling back and forth many times to be with my sister and also to help out my mom and dad. My mother was my dad’s 24/7 caretaker, as my dad had Parkinson’s. He was falling a lot and they refused help in the home because they were in denial. My mother was not supposed to leave my dad unattended, but she carried on with her life as if my dad was fine and healthy. She would go out everyday and do her usual round of shopping for dresses for “special” occasions, and food shopping because she always met someone she knew in the store, so her refrigerator was stocked beyond belief with food never eaten. My dad in the meantime wasn’t eating, drinking all day and falling and bleeding all over the house. Neighbors were called in to help pick him up because she didn’t want to call 911 and be embarrassed with an ambulance in front of the house. Finally, one night I was there and my dad got up to use the bathroom and crash! He fell and hit his head on the bathtub and he wasn’t responding right. I called 911 and he went to the ER to be checked for a stroke. No stroke, but the doctor and social worker asked me if he was competent to be at home and I explained the story. He was moved into a NH the next day for p/t for 21 days. Once home, things continued as usual and my mother was always out galavanting. Finally, he had to be admitted to a NH permanently for his own safety. I was besides myself, but I lived too far away to be there everyday and help work things out. In one way he was safe in the NH, but my mother hardly went to visit him. He thought she had abandoned him and she did.

It is not an easy course you are a part of. Decisions have to be made that never sit well with us kids. If I had to do it all over again, I would have moved him into my house and gotten care for him, and helped out too. It would have been a big job, but he was so lovely and kind and I had great love for him and I was broken to see him the way he ended up. I would have been happy to do it. That is my only regret. So I traveled back and forth to see him every other week in the NH for months. When my dad died, my mother had no one and so guess who lives near me now? Yep. My demanding mother who wants me to do everything for her. She has been here for over 6 yrs and is 92 yrs old now.

Sorry for the long, depressing version. I wish my parents had made better plans for themselves in their later years. There is no fast, easy answer and we have to reap the outcome of their decisions.  Hindsight is 20/20. Go with your gut and move on with what you think is right.  You can be more objective than your mom and I hope your brothers help with the decision making too so it’s  not all on you. 
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I can sort of see your family's point about having help come in - what exactly would you have them do that would make the situation better? It sounds like they can putter along just fine when it comes to their daily activities, what dad needs is somebody sensible to consider his needs and diminishing abilities 24/7. As long as they are living together independently your mother will take the lead role to direct his care (or lack of). She needs a wake up call - is there a doctor or a religious leader or a trusted friend or relative who can give it to her?
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In my loved one's case, the wife became ill and hospitalized. The neglected husband was taken out of the home by extended family, and placed.
But "they did not need any help"..........

In my neighbor's case, the husband was taken in by family, then placed. The wife placed in a senior apartment without care and died from a diabetic coma within a few months.

What I saw happening is that no one took any positive action in time.  It was too late, and hapened over the period of approximately a year from the time some family members were notified of their needs.
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GardenGurl:

It sounds as if your mother may have diminished mental capacity, too, or perhaps she has always had NPD.

Still, it is very difficult to have someone declared incompetent in order to have them put into a care facility or take over their finances.

One attorney told me that a person can be walking around in their skivvies, talking to unicorns and you still may NOT be able to have a court declare them incompetent enough to have them admitted to a care facility against their will, or take over their finances, against their will.

Getting your social services for the aging, in your state, to evaluate them, may not do much good. But it will at least document that you cared enough to call them.

As far as having help come in, given your father hospitalizations, a CNA might be paid for by medicare for a few days a week.

The reason many older people are reluctant to have in-home health care is because If you talk to older people, they will often tell you horror stories about thefts and secret mistreatment from these people, that they have heard from other elders who have had them in their home.

There are six states that do not even require a criminal background check for nurses.

the nurse licensing systems in Colorado, Wisconsin, New York, Vermont, Maine and Hawaii rely on self-disclosure and complaints. The porous process allows nurses disqualified from obtaining licensure in other states to obtain a license in one of the six states with less scrutiny.

beckershospitalreview.com/human-capital-and-risk/6-states-don-t-require-background-checks-for-nurses.html

Therefore, once hearing such horror stories, many elderly afraid to have in-home health care workers whether a CNA or a nurse come to their home.

Also If you mother does have NPD rather than dementia, you will not be able to override her caregiving decisions regarding your father, only social services can do that, and that is only a maybe.
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One thing that opened my eyes very quickly before my husband was even very ill was being told that I might be held liable if he caused a wreck while he was driving and I’d known he was impaired.
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This is a bit confusing as it t does sound as if they have resources for some pretty lavish travel perhaps some of that could go for in home care . As for you having your own family etc many caregivers have those same issues but no options so try taking dad into your home give Mother a break and evaluate the situation from a personal hands on perspective. Care-giving 24/7 for any person particularly with such complicated needs is isolating and far more difficult then it sounds
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I had no idea Area Agency's on Aging did an assessment. I must have phoned them dozens of times trying to get help. It seems that unless you know the very targeted service to ask for, they don't offer it up like a cafeteria of choices. I am in an identical situation, and after the recent storm-related multi-day power outage, I have finally snapped and decided that involving neighbors, multiple paid caregivers, transporting Dad to an angel's home 30 miles away and back, and dealing with the mechanicals and another insane live-in caregiver and absent sibling and my sweet ailing husband -- I've end-of-roped. I am having a very hard time on an emotional roller coaster. I want to believe I've made a valiant effort for Dad, but I don't even care what others think or feel anymore. I just want and need relief. I'm even accepting and honoring the part of myself that not only feels -- but knows -- I've failed as a loving, moral human being. It's perhaps like a total personality change and emotional breakdown. I'm on autopilot and pick up every shred of advice I can cull from Aging Care. There are some incredibly wise and capable writers here. Please know that without you, I'd have ... who knows. But you are keeping me on a reasoned path. Thank you all.
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I will pray for you all. I am the bad guy for taking a stand, like I told my aunt when she had created a mess and then wanted me to tell my dad that she wouldn't be able to help him after all, nope you said yes without talking to me, now you get to say no, her response "he'll hate me, I'll be the bad guy!" (side note: she was perfectly fine with making him hate me) so I said, you know, being the bad guy has its advantage in that I always know where I stand. Sometimes situations need someone willing to say other things matter more then if everyone thinks I'm a jerk or the bad guy. I have to live with what I did or did not do, can I look myself in the face everyday and be good with the choices I made? Gardengurl, your mom is a narsisist, please go online google psychology today, how narsisist really think. This will help you to get over what others think of your interactions with mom and SIL.
If God is with you, who can be against you? This is a hard trial but, you can approach it lovingly and full of compassion. Maybe SIL can be moms travel companion, this will give you a chance to get a caregiver or 2 or 3 in place for dad. Removing them from their home is not the only solution, let mom cook and clean, have caregivers do only for dad. You will never change your mom, so forget that front. You will be able to get your dad the additional care he needs by persistence, love and compassion. Always present the situation to your brother from the side of, if dad fully understood don't you think he would want to take this burden off of mom? It takes a very strong person to stop being the narcissists whipping post and be able to not jump and fetch and dance and do their bidding, children raised by one are conditioned from birth to follow orders blindly and without consideration for anyone but the narsisist. Pray for your siblings to have their eyes opened.

May God give you strength and courage along with wisdom for this hard trial. By His help you can do this! God bless you for caring enough to say, time for change. HUGS AND LOVE 2U!
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Follow up re Area Agency on Aging (AAA). I just phoned them and was told their ONLY geriatric assessment was for Michigan's MIChoice/Medicaid Waiver program which has a six-month to one-year waiting queue. In Michigan, apparently Medicaid will step in (once approved) for paying Medicaid-accepting skilled nursing (SN) OR assisted living (AL)-with-memory-care costs, IF AL is cheaper than SN. The Waiver program is another option that will supplement home care costs if the beneficiary requires SN or AL level care. So I learned that AAA is useless for our immediate situation in Michigan.

AAA is going to email me a list of geriatric assessment providers, which may or may not be covered by Medicare. We may have to private pay, who knows.

I realize each state is different. I just wanted to share what I just found out ASAP.
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