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My dad is in the mid stages of Alzheimer’s. He has been diagnosed and is on meds. My mom is his primary caregiver. Two sons live within 2 miles of them, I live about 20 miles away. I’ve accepted my siblings are going to be of no help, that is ok.

My worry is that my mom is not taking good care of my dad because she is in denial and mostly doesn’t want to have to deal with it.

Neither my mom nor my siblings are willing to read or watch any of the info I have sent them, which I have read and watched first. (Teepa  Snow videos and a book that was recommended here, along with online support groups). I realize I can’t force them but I’m worried about my dads health and well being.

My dad, along with Alzheimer’s has: a shunt in his head because of excess fluid, a left knee replacement, a left shoulder replacement, neuropathy (sp) in his feet, and is a fall risk. He falls at least once a month.

Here are the issues I find concerning:
Mom and Dad went on a 3 week vacation to Australia last year. Mom slept almost the entire 18 hour flight home without ever making sure my dad got food or drink or got up to use the restroom (she already has him wearing pull ups and would rather just let him go in those than help him go every few hours). By the end of the flight my dad was incoherent and barely conscious. Even with oxygen he couldn’t remember anything about where he lived or who he was. They thought it was a stroke and he spent two days in a hospital in California and my 2 brothers had to drive down from Oregon to bring them home when he was discharged. Thankfully it wasn’t a stroke, he was severely dehydrated, hadn’t eaten and was getting sick so it created a perfect storm I guess. Since it wasn’t a stroke my mom thinks the entire situation was no big deal.

Last month they went to Hawaii for 2 weeks. The first day there they went on a coffee farm tour (super uneven ground) and he fell and broke his collarbone, they waited 2 days to go to a hospital.

He has started having visual hallucinations but they don’t upset him at this point.

The kicker happened a couple of days ago. Apparently they were at Home Depot and since my dad didn’t want to go inside my mom left him in the car without the keys and locked it. She was inside for an hour! My dad could not open the door and even a stranger in the parking lot tried to help him and he still couldnt figure it out. He was about to use their emergency tool to break the car window from the inside when my mom finally came out. It was probably at least 90 in the car. And the only reason I know is because my dad brought it up when I saw him.

She also just bought a new bed for their guest room so she can sleep in there because he wakes her up when he gets out of bed to go to the bathroom, and he has fallen several times already. She has to call one of my brothers to help get him up because she can’t do it by herself. She has no plan in place to alert her when he gets out of bed if she is sleeping in a room across the house.

She also still lets him drive even though he shouldn’t because it is convenient for her to have him run to the store for her or take himself to church when she doesn’t want to go.

They are resistant to having someone come in because my dad doesn’t think anything is wrong with him and my mom can’t admit they are at a point where they need help.

My question is what do I do? She does the 24/7 caregiving and it’s hard and I don’t want to diminish that. But I don’t know how to help her since she refuses to get educated about anything. She spends hours on her computer playing solitaire, looking up recipes etc so she has the time to learn she chooses not to. What are some suggestions to get them to get a caregiver. They have plenty of money to pay and I doubt they will ever qualify for Medicaid.

I am 35 with a husband and 2 kids. My husbands job means he is away from home for several days in a row and it’s never the same days each week and includes occasional weekends and holidays so I can’t be the free caregiver that my mom and siblings have assumed I will be. Thanks for letting me have a place to let out my worries!

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To elderly daily living, which we will all face should we be lucky enough to live that long--the once very active wife now breaks a hip. The husband may not take on the role of caregiving well.....or possibly not al all. So the happily married framework of the couple has now changed because of health issues, which are of paramount importance. Solving the issue is very difficult. Go to the Lord in prayer. Now I'm not saying that is the only solution. Though the process must be started to aid the weaker spouse. Social workers, town elder case workers, etc.
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Countrymouse: Well said!!
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I had a friend in a similar situation. Parents with plenty of means but a narcissistic father and mom with a terminal illness. Father wasn't letting hospice give mom appropriate anti-anxiety meds because then she'd sleep and he selfishly wanted her awake to interact with him. And he couldn't accept that mom had a terminal illness, so he constantly tried to have her do therapies and moved her from place to place. Mom suffered great and unnecessary anxiety as a result. My friend stressed herself out to the point it negatively affected her health over attempts to get her father to change.

I kept reminding her that her mom knew who the father was (he's always been narcissistic) and chose to be with him when she was young and healthy. She had a very sad and unnecessarily heartwrenching end, but no one was going to be able to change that. That die was cast many, many years ago.

So I support you going low-contact with your parents and establishing firm boundaries, just to keep YOU healthy. Your uncle can keep an eye on your father. I'd let him know you're concerned, but he's also probably powerless to effect any changes either. You can only do what you can do. You don't rule the world. {{{Hugs}}}
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Aging myself, that is correct. No chance of a discussion is what I meant:)
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Lynina, HIPPA prevents the Dr from giving out info without patient's consent. It does not prevent someone else from giving info to the Dr.
So, while Dr can't answer your questions about the patient, Dr should be informed of problems that Dr might not be aware of from just an office visit--unsafe driving, for example.
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In terms of your father falling at night scenario, there are Lifeline type products that register falls and automatically summon help. If your dad requires multiple visits by EMTs to assess him after each fall, then the authorities are aware of his situation and his events are documented. Also, a baby monitor could alert your mom if she cares to try that.
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What CountryMouse suggested is spot on....except for you talking to your father's doctor. It is my experience because of HIPPA that your father must allow (in writing) you to talk with his doctor or they receive a copy of a document stating that you are his healthcare proxy.
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Yes, well done Countrymouse!
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WOW! Well said, Countrymouse!!!!
Thanks for the excellent synopsis for all of us!
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By all means talk to your uncle. But if he visits your father regularly I doubt if you will be telling him anything he isn't already aware of. So have the conversation as just that, a conversation. Ask questions and listen to his point of view.

Sticking your head in the sand is a strategy, you know. Particularly when, as in your case, you have been deliberately excluded from decisions by the people you aim to help.

Read 'Being Mortal' by Atul Gawande. Given your parents' living situation, the fact that they have the resources to support considerable freedom of choice, this book is a particularly relevant discussion about what really is in their best interests. You, like most of us caregivers, want your parents to be safe, well cared-for and happy, in that order probably, with their autonomy and dignity as nice-to-have icing on the cake. What Dr Gawande points out persuasively is that your parents' order of priorities is likely to be quite different - ranking autonomy, freedom of action, happiness and continuity much higher than you do, and accepting a much greater risk of harm.

The question that remains is at what point do you become a) entitled to intervene; b) morally obliged to intervene; and c) legally required to intervene.

As things are, the answer your mother is giving you is "never!"

Let's say, okay, never. What happens next?

If your mother had managed your father in the way that she did during those trips, if they had not been in public with other people around, your father would have died. She was "wilfully blind" to his physical needs.

Bear with me, and think the unthinkable here. Supposing he hadn't received treatment, and he had died. And?

The thing is, what we family caregivers are really aiming for, when you strip everything away, is a soft landing. We know that our elders are going to die, probably before us (though watch out - caregiving is bad for your health). We don't literally believe they can live for ever (may they live forever!). So what do we want to happen? We want them to be supported through their last years and the end of life so that they do not experience pain, fear, loneliness or neglect; that they die at their proper time, loved, in comfortable surroundings, and at peace.

I'm not saying that your mother wants your father to die. But her feelings about it must be complicated. He is suffering. He is not the man he was. His difficulties intrude on her. Even getting help for him would disrupt the environment she likes to have around her. She wants none of this to be happening. Well, would you?

The trouble we still have is that your father is a vulnerable adult. How he is cared for and protected is no longer solely your mother's business - actually, it's now a societal problem. He is not in a position to make decisions on his own behalf, so we can't ask him what he wants. But we can refer back to any statements or directives or preferences from earlier on, when he was fit and well, and see if that gives any guidance about what his choices might be now if he were still able to voice them. And it may be that no, he chose your mother, he never expected her to turn into Florence Nightingale, and he would still rather be with her, in the place that is home, than better cared for somewhere else.

Okay, next, what can be done for him if he isn't to be "rescued"? Your mother doesn't want a team of caregivers coming in and tramping round her house and needing supervision and BOTHERING her. She doesn't mind if you do it because she can control you - never mind that you're not a trained nurse or personal care aide, that there's only one of you, that you have your own life. Well! - you can't force her to compromise there. You can only find out what services are available, and keep prompting her to consider them.

The other thing you can do, and I would loudly, is insist on objective assessment of your father's condition and needs. You are free to tell whomever you like about your concerns and about what you have witnessed. You can tell your uncle, your parents' doctor, their local social services, anyone you like. Most families get pretty shirty if one member talks about family business to outsiders. Yeah? And? Bite me. There is an expression: "tell the truth and shame the devil."

Consider the difference between these statements, just for example:

"Mother won't help dad with washing or dressing, she just leaves him in his soiled clothes."

versus

"Dad needs more help with washing and dressing."

One is an accusation - mother is being a bad wife, callously indifferent to her husband's suffering.

Two is a statement of your father's needs.

What you want is not condemnation of your mother's shortcomings, it's improved support for your father. So keep your opinion of your mother to yourself, and just keep plugging away to get your dad what he needs.
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Wow, thanks for all the replies. It’s great to read from various viewpoints. Here is some more info and an update. It has been a rough week but I now have peace about the hard decision I had to make which I will hopefully remember to add at the end.

First I should have probably started with the fact that they aren’t telling anyone my dad has Alzheimer’s. They just say he is slow.

As for my parents finances they have over 1.5 million in a retirement account. They receive over $5000 a month from Social Security (which than what my husband makes). In addition to that they receive around $70,000 a year in land rent from the farm. Their house, car and land are all paid off. The farm pays their electric and water bill. So they have a lot of disposable income. Which is awesome that they were able to pay everything off several years ago.

The farm itself (buildings equipment etc.) is a separate entity that my brother, uncle and cousin own as they are the ones who farm. Plus my parents sold a business they had shares in 6 or so years ago and received around $100,000 a year for 5 years from that. This is their first year not getting that influx I think, and that money has been spent, none was saved for future possible care needs. So I feel they have had the means and ability to save very well for their care needs.

My dad was diagnosed before this sale so they had the ability to plan. They have an estate planner and a financial planner so seem to have that all taken care of.

They would never let me go to a doctor appointment or have any access to doctors.

I am all for my mom sleeping in another room to get a good nights sleep. What bothers me is she has literally no plan for having any sort of set up to alert her when my dad gets out of bed. The rooms are on separate ends of the house. She has had to call my brother to help my dad get up multiple times in the past year, so he has already established a pattern of falling.

This week has been eye opening because she asked guess who.....me if she could hire me to watch Dad. I said I could if I was available but she needed to have some sort of back up plan because I can’t do it all the time. I was hoping this would help he transition to finding and hiring caregivers. She got pissed that I asked her that and told me she wanted to be in charge and didn’t want to talk about it any more.

My mom is definitely narcissistic and my oldest brother is the golden child along with his wife (who is definitely narcissistic, I have witnessed the narc rage although I called it an adult temper tantrum) and their 2 children. I am definitely the family scapegoat.

I finally went and talked to someone about all of the anxiety and issues I was having and they recommended the book called Boundaries. I read it and oh my word was it eye opening and freeing. I have spent my whole life thinking it needed to make my mom happy. Knowing I am not responsible for her feelings and especially for fixing her irresponsible choices lifted a huge weight off my chest. It’s sad it took me this long to find out how normal relationships should work.

Anywhoo, she admitted she had not back up caregiver plan other than me and had no interest in making one. Then tried to guilt/shame me into complying and just being the family work horse again.

So, I realized her pattern of behavior wasn’t going to change and set some boundaries. She got pissed and decided my dad would be going with her because the housekeeper would be there that day and he didn’t want to stay there. Which is not true she has left him with her before and she’s the sweetest lady ever and he has no problem with her. I realized I dodged a bullet and told her that I needed to take a break from things to work on my own emotional/mental/physical health problems and I loved her and would still be part of family get together and would respect her wish to not talk about anything and only engage in small talk. So I will be low
contact from now on with my family.

My brother and his wife would never want to travel with my parents because they have no interest in doing any actual hands on caregiving. They went to the Cayman Islands with my parents and would leave my parents at the condo and go out and go snorkeling and do stuff. So they would not be helpful. There are no friends to go with them because my moms terrible behavior has driven them all away.

What do you guys think about this idea? My dads brother who is a retired Dr. lives a few miles away and does visit my dad regularly. Should I talk to him and tell him what is really going on and see what his advice is? My brother said he would watch the situation over the next couple of weeks and see how things are going, but he really thinks that just talking to my mom about her behavior will make it change, it won’t, I have tried for 2 years in every way possible. But maybe if he sees she won’t change then he will be on board with paid caregivers. Or maybe I’m just sticking my head in the sand too.

Thanks again for reading and any advice. I’m so thankful for this group!
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As a former flight attendant, your dad is who we were trained to help medically - KEEP HIM OFF THOSE PLANES! - you can't phone 911 from 40 thousand feet so you'll get the FA or whoever answers the page for help - by the way we were told to even accept the help of a veternarian who offers to help ... is that who you want helping your dad? - it doesn't seem like he is with it enough to travel but your mom doesn't know what else to do - tell her to go on her own for both their sakes
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Thank goodness that you cannot be their caregiver. I am ABSOLUTELY APPALLED that they are traveling when dad is so ill. Remove mother from the caregiver duty  and find someone else immediately. Perhaps your mother has experienced burnout. Idk. But that 18-hour flight speaks volumes about the entire situation. So very sad.
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Dear Gardengurl, like you I live in a rural area where ‘everyone knows everyone’. If you are sure that your rellies are going to be telling everyone what a ‘rotten horrible person’ you are, it might be good for you – and even for your parents – if you get in first. Talk to other people you know about your concerns, making it worries rather than complaints. You say it ‘will be nothing new’, so your neighbours will probably fill in the blanks. Then if your rellies complain to the neighbours, they are not likely to get sympathy about how horrible you are, and they might even get told some home truths that stick. It could make more impact than what you are saying, because they are not respecting your views. And it should at least mean that you can still live there with your own reputation intact. I know first hand that it’s difficult to live in an area where your reputation has been trashed, even if people know they have only heard one side of the story. Get your side on the page first, if you can see it coming. This doesn’t solve the bigger problem, but it could help with one part of it.
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I've seen it suggested here that some in your situation have managed to get parents to accept in-home care by telling parents the caregiver is a friend--maybe from church--who needs the extra income, so maybe it would be nice for them to help your friend by hiring him or her to help look after your dad, freeing up your mom to do her thing.
This didn't work for my in-laws because Mom wouldn't relinquish any of the care-giving--she just paid the care-giver to sit around--but it sounds like your mom might be accepting if you presented it as getting his care off her back so she could have her own fun.

Perhaps you could suggest a doctor visit for your dad before the next trip, "just to make sure he's up in shape to travel, since he got so sick the last time," and tip off the doc in advance so he can address your dad's needs, including driving competence as well as the freedom it would give Mom to hire some help.

As others have mentioned, it's a good idea to visit an Estate Planning or Elder Care attorney NOW. You may find that your dad could qualify for Medicaid in the future while preserving the family farm, if that's what they hope to do; but if you wait, opportunities may be lost.
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AS I read these responses , I am moving in sympathy towards your mother. We all have seen the daily ads of retired people who are traveling and having a great time. We dream that will be for us--but it is not truth for most people. And when It does not happen that way we become resentful and wonder what we did wrong after a lifetime of hard work. I am touched by the fact that she s making travel plans--God Bless Her.
That is the life force in her and it is still a powerful energy. For that all her children should be grateful. I suggest a kindly, no-blame meeting to discuss what is possible to help both parents have what they would like to see happen come true in their retirement years.
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Mom seems like a narcissist to me. I don't think she is in denial. I think, without being judgmental, that it's all about her and she really doesn't want to make your dad her problem. So I think you and your brother should step in in whatever way you see fit to address the situation. It sounds as if your mom has already washed her hands of everything by making you guys clean up her messes, so to speak, so you might as well try to address care issues as you see fit.
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Your last line is sexism at its worst - why because you are female is it assumed that you will be the caretaker by both parents & brothers? - there are 3 children of your parents so each does 1/3 of work - even if you are stay at home mom that is still a 24/7 job - you are too far away to be 'on call' however you can do some help but not regularly -

Look at mom for some issues too - your dad should not be flying all over the place - does he want to go or is it mom's not too brilliant idea?
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Follow up re Area Agency on Aging (AAA). I just phoned them and was told their ONLY geriatric assessment was for Michigan's MIChoice/Medicaid Waiver program which has a six-month to one-year waiting queue. In Michigan, apparently Medicaid will step in (once approved) for paying Medicaid-accepting skilled nursing (SN) OR assisted living (AL)-with-memory-care costs, IF AL is cheaper than SN. The Waiver program is another option that will supplement home care costs if the beneficiary requires SN or AL level care. So I learned that AAA is useless for our immediate situation in Michigan.

AAA is going to email me a list of geriatric assessment providers, which may or may not be covered by Medicare. We may have to private pay, who knows.

I realize each state is different. I just wanted to share what I just found out ASAP.
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I will pray for you all. I am the bad guy for taking a stand, like I told my aunt when she had created a mess and then wanted me to tell my dad that she wouldn't be able to help him after all, nope you said yes without talking to me, now you get to say no, her response "he'll hate me, I'll be the bad guy!" (side note: she was perfectly fine with making him hate me) so I said, you know, being the bad guy has its advantage in that I always know where I stand. Sometimes situations need someone willing to say other things matter more then if everyone thinks I'm a jerk or the bad guy. I have to live with what I did or did not do, can I look myself in the face everyday and be good with the choices I made? Gardengurl, your mom is a narsisist, please go online google psychology today, how narsisist really think. This will help you to get over what others think of your interactions with mom and SIL.
If God is with you, who can be against you? This is a hard trial but, you can approach it lovingly and full of compassion. Maybe SIL can be moms travel companion, this will give you a chance to get a caregiver or 2 or 3 in place for dad. Removing them from their home is not the only solution, let mom cook and clean, have caregivers do only for dad. You will never change your mom, so forget that front. You will be able to get your dad the additional care he needs by persistence, love and compassion. Always present the situation to your brother from the side of, if dad fully understood don't you think he would want to take this burden off of mom? It takes a very strong person to stop being the narcissists whipping post and be able to not jump and fetch and dance and do their bidding, children raised by one are conditioned from birth to follow orders blindly and without consideration for anyone but the narsisist. Pray for your siblings to have their eyes opened.

May God give you strength and courage along with wisdom for this hard trial. By His help you can do this! God bless you for caring enough to say, time for change. HUGS AND LOVE 2U!
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I had no idea Area Agency's on Aging did an assessment. I must have phoned them dozens of times trying to get help. It seems that unless you know the very targeted service to ask for, they don't offer it up like a cafeteria of choices. I am in an identical situation, and after the recent storm-related multi-day power outage, I have finally snapped and decided that involving neighbors, multiple paid caregivers, transporting Dad to an angel's home 30 miles away and back, and dealing with the mechanicals and another insane live-in caregiver and absent sibling and my sweet ailing husband -- I've end-of-roped. I am having a very hard time on an emotional roller coaster. I want to believe I've made a valiant effort for Dad, but I don't even care what others think or feel anymore. I just want and need relief. I'm even accepting and honoring the part of myself that not only feels -- but knows -- I've failed as a loving, moral human being. It's perhaps like a total personality change and emotional breakdown. I'm on autopilot and pick up every shred of advice I can cull from Aging Care. There are some incredibly wise and capable writers here. Please know that without you, I'd have ... who knows. But you are keeping me on a reasoned path. Thank you all.
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This is a bit confusing as it t does sound as if they have resources for some pretty lavish travel perhaps some of that could go for in home care . As for you having your own family etc many caregivers have those same issues but no options so try taking dad into your home give Mother a break and evaluate the situation from a personal hands on perspective. Care-giving 24/7 for any person particularly with such complicated needs is isolating and far more difficult then it sounds
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One thing that opened my eyes very quickly before my husband was even very ill was being told that I might be held liable if he caused a wreck while he was driving and I’d known he was impaired.
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GardenGurl:

It sounds as if your mother may have diminished mental capacity, too, or perhaps she has always had NPD.

Still, it is very difficult to have someone declared incompetent in order to have them put into a care facility or take over their finances.

One attorney told me that a person can be walking around in their skivvies, talking to unicorns and you still may NOT be able to have a court declare them incompetent enough to have them admitted to a care facility against their will, or take over their finances, against their will.

Getting your social services for the aging, in your state, to evaluate them, may not do much good. But it will at least document that you cared enough to call them.

As far as having help come in, given your father hospitalizations, a CNA might be paid for by medicare for a few days a week.

The reason many older people are reluctant to have in-home health care is because If you talk to older people, they will often tell you horror stories about thefts and secret mistreatment from these people, that they have heard from other elders who have had them in their home.

There are six states that do not even require a criminal background check for nurses.

the nurse licensing systems in Colorado, Wisconsin, New York, Vermont, Maine and Hawaii rely on self-disclosure and complaints. The porous process allows nurses disqualified from obtaining licensure in other states to obtain a license in one of the six states with less scrutiny.

beckershospitalreview.com/human-capital-and-risk/6-states-don-t-require-background-checks-for-nurses.html

Therefore, once hearing such horror stories, many elderly afraid to have in-home health care workers whether a CNA or a nurse come to their home.

Also If you mother does have NPD rather than dementia, you will not be able to override her caregiving decisions regarding your father, only social services can do that, and that is only a maybe.
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In my loved one's case, the wife became ill and hospitalized. The neglected husband was taken out of the home by extended family, and placed.
But "they did not need any help"..........

In my neighbor's case, the husband was taken in by family, then placed. The wife placed in a senior apartment without care and died from a diabetic coma within a few months.

What I saw happening is that no one took any positive action in time.  It was too late, and hapened over the period of approximately a year from the time some family members were notified of their needs.
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I can sort of see your family's point about having help come in - what exactly would you have them do that would make the situation better? It sounds like they can putter along just fine when it comes to their daily activities, what dad needs is somebody sensible to consider his needs and diminishing abilities 24/7. As long as they are living together independently your mother will take the lead role to direct his care (or lack of). She needs a wake up call - is there a doctor or a religious leader or a trusted friend or relative who can give it to her?
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This situation is so like my dad and mom’s situation over 6 years ago. My sister who lived close by was terminally ill and couldn’t help out, and I lived 350 miles away. I was traveling back and forth many times to be with my sister and also to help out my mom and dad. My mother was my dad’s 24/7 caretaker, as my dad had Parkinson’s. He was falling a lot and they refused help in the home because they were in denial. My mother was not supposed to leave my dad unattended, but she carried on with her life as if my dad was fine and healthy. She would go out everyday and do her usual round of shopping for dresses for “special” occasions, and food shopping because she always met someone she knew in the store, so her refrigerator was stocked beyond belief with food never eaten. My dad in the meantime wasn’t eating, drinking all day and falling and bleeding all over the house. Neighbors were called in to help pick him up because she didn’t want to call 911 and be embarrassed with an ambulance in front of the house. Finally, one night I was there and my dad got up to use the bathroom and crash! He fell and hit his head on the bathtub and he wasn’t responding right. I called 911 and he went to the ER to be checked for a stroke. No stroke, but the doctor and social worker asked me if he was competent to be at home and I explained the story. He was moved into a NH the next day for p/t for 21 days. Once home, things continued as usual and my mother was always out galavanting. Finally, he had to be admitted to a NH permanently for his own safety. I was besides myself, but I lived too far away to be there everyday and help work things out. In one way he was safe in the NH, but my mother hardly went to visit him. He thought she had abandoned him and she did.

It is not an easy course you are a part of. Decisions have to be made that never sit well with us kids. If I had to do it all over again, I would have moved him into my house and gotten care for him, and helped out too. It would have been a big job, but he was so lovely and kind and I had great love for him and I was broken to see him the way he ended up. I would have been happy to do it. That is my only regret. So I traveled back and forth to see him every other week in the NH for months. When my dad died, my mother had no one and so guess who lives near me now? Yep. My demanding mother who wants me to do everything for her. She has been here for over 6 yrs and is 92 yrs old now.

Sorry for the long, depressing version. I wish my parents had made better plans for themselves in their later years. There is no fast, easy answer and we have to reap the outcome of their decisions.  Hindsight is 20/20. Go with your gut and move on with what you think is right.  You can be more objective than your mom and I hope your brothers help with the decision making too so it’s  not all on you. 
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Time to call an Elder attorney and get legal help. Your mom will probably be angry at you and your brothers also, although I would tell them what you are planning. It is time to blow the whistle and get help for your Dad. If you don't, you will regret it all your life for not stepping in. Your Mom is not in denial. She is selfish and wants to have the life she once had with your Dad. I can see no love there on her part. If these were strangers and someone reported her to the authorities, she would be charged in a court of law for abuse.
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Please don't wait for the next crisis. I would call his doctors (neurologist) office and speak with a nurse. When my mother was still driving when she shouldn't have been the doctor dealt with it. My mother was very angry with the doctor, but out of fear she complied. You have described elder abuse from neglect. You have a responsibility to report this to the doctor. If they do not comply with the doctors orders then you need to let the doctor know. If the neglect continues, then you or the doctor will need to contact social services. I have worked with social workers from going to caregiver support groups and they have been a wonderful resource and want to help. Alzheimers Association has lists of groups for you to attend. I highly recommend you go to a group. The more resources you have the more help and answers you'll get on how to deal with your situation. Keep us posted.
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Re FINANCIAL ASSETS: you said they're unlikely to ever need medicaid. But care, when needed (and accepted!), cause money to pour out faster than expected.
There is a government plan to protect the Well Mate's assets! The assets are divided; some may be put on hold. Enough remains for the well mate to live (and to keep the family home, if it is paid for or w/in the official limit, mortgagewise). And the one in need of care goes on Medicaid!
It may not be of interest to your parents - or family - for now. But it's worth knowing about, even planning for the possibility in advance.
This would have covered much of my husband's care, if we'd known about it in time. It may take months to get it in place.
A good Elderly Care lawyer will know how to set this up.
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