He complained for several years he was lonely living where he was. Both y brother and I lived at least 400 miles away. So, I moved him to an ALF 10 minutes from my house and have spent countless hours getting him settled, finding doctors, getting all the finance stuff arranged, having him over to my house for dinners/holidays with the family, etc....and nothing makes him happy. He calls constantly with the same list of physical complaints that we have already seen all kinds of doctors for and tested for (including dementia). It all comes back as just a part of normal aging. He needs more assistance (he's getting his medications mixed up) but, complains loudly about the price of it even though he has plenty of money. I sure some of his attitude is due to depression/anxiety but, when I encourage him to do activities in his new home to meet people, be happier, he always says he's too busy! Every interaction with him is very negative to the point where it is affecting my own mental health. Every time I see him calling on my phone or I look on the calendar and see I have to take him to an appointment somewhere, I feel sick to my stomach. Then I feel incredibly guilty because I should want to help my dad. I don't know how to handle this short of just restricting his calls and the time I spend with him. Any thoughts?
It seems that Dad hasn't much changed over all. Aging often does just exasperate our natural proclivities toward negativity if such we do have. And that's been the case for him.
He is unlikely to change.
Therefore, what must change is YOU. That's the only person you have control over.
You already know the answer. Yes, restricting calls are part of it. But FIRST, given your dad doesn't seem to have dementia, I would start HERE>>>>>>>> HONESTY!
You need to go see Dad. Sit him down where you are knee to knee and eye to eye.
Tell him this:
"Dad, I worried so when you were far from me; you seemed so unhappy. I felt responsible for that. I thought I could make you happy with this move. But that hasn't worked. I think I understand now that it wasn't just being far from me and alone, it was so much more. Aging is tough stuff and you have taught me that for sure.
But of late, Dad, your calling me so often, your being so unhappy, has made ME unhappy. And I just cannot allow that.
If visits to you are going to affect my own mental a physical health then I have to cut them SHORT and that's the last thing I want to do. So here's the truth.
1. When I visit you I am willing to hear a bit about things that bother you that I might help with. But then I need to hear other things. Good things. If it is all negative my visits will be short.
2. I want to hear from you, but I need our conversations to IMPROVE my life, not to harm it. So call me when you are in a good mood. And know that I can talk with you in the morning and at night, but the calls will not be long.
3. Dad, I know this is hurtful, but you have had your life. And you have opportunity here to make friends and do activities. I love you and I want your happiness, but I cannot create it, and I cannot allow you to make ME unhappy. I love you. I want to support you. But I have a life to live myself now, my friends, my home, my garden, my grandkids (whatEVER).
Then on you go. IF that doesn't work, sorry, but you'll have to crack-the-whip. You will have to stop answering calls other than a.m. one and p.m. one. You will have to exit with a hug telling him "Dad, I will come again soon and hope you will be in a better mood. I am so sorry things are so tough for you".
Sorry. No other way. Honesty is tough, but boy, you get SOOOOO good at it once you try, and it is SUCH A RELIEF.
See if the AL has options to take him to appointments.
Limit calls to once a day, maximum. As soon as he gets negative, say goodbye and hang up. There is nothing so interesting going on in his life that he needs to update you multiple times a day. If you’re visiting and he starts to complain get up and leave.
It’s like a toddler throwing a tantrum for attention. Don’t reward negative behavior.
I too recommend few calls, it’s just the same negative conversations over and over.
It’s so hard seeing our loved ones go downhill, but we need to keep our sanity too.
Good luck
It really is as simple as that.
It's not your job to keep your dad entertained or happy, as he will never be happy, and you have to learn to be ok with that.
So when he starts to complain you on the phone, you tell him that you'll talk to him when he's a better mood and when in person he gets negative you just tell him that you're going to leave and will come back when he can be more positive.
So limit your calls to just a few times a week, and your visits to once a week if you have to, so your dad if he wants will get more involved with the activities at his facility.
If you're not always the answer he may finally step up and venture out in his new world at the facility.
As far as calls go, tell dad you're very busy at work and aren't allowed to take calls. Even if you don't work, tell him you do. It saves A LOT of headache and explaining. Like why you can't take him here, there and everywhere. Like why you can't take 15 calls a day, etc. My mother thrived on misery, she was an Energy Vampire. Had I let her, she'd have sucked every ounce of energy and joy right out of me. For 10+ years I dealt with her histrionics and theatrics. And dementia too, down the road. It's my personal opinion that depressed and miserable people's brains are wired TO develop dementia. All that complaining manifests itself into full fledged dementia at some point and then the REAL headaches begin.
So prepare yourself now by setting down boundaries and sticking go them like glue. Because guys like your dad and my late mother are busy looking for the cracks to slither through. Make sure there are no cracks. My mother lived to 95 and caused me heartache and sorrow like no one else on earth. Then 11 months later I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.
The moral of the story is this: take care of YOURSELF because there is no making dad happy.
You're right that depressed people could be more likely (although it isn't inevitable) to have dementia when older. People who suffer from depression often have anxiety disorder as well, and the cortisol that is released in the brain can have a long term detrimental effect.
However, depression isn't being miserable or complaining, although it can become part of it. I have had to contend with a chronic depressive disorder since I was very young, as well as flare ups of severe anxiety disorder. Otherwise, I'm one of the calmest and most cheerful people, according to my colleagues - and even my friends, who have actually seen me in the depths of depression. People call me to help them look on the positive side of situations.
Miserable people aren't necessarily depressed. Some people are so used to looking at the negatives of everything that they feel comfortable on the bad side. You can't persuade them to come over to the sunny side, not even if it were paved with gold.
Also, some people think that it's other people's job to make them happy and to provide them with everything they need. They won't take on any responsibility for themselves. That's what this father sounds like - it's his children's responsibility to make everything right for him. It's time that he and they realise that it's not!
Figure out number of visits per month and number of calls that you can tolerate, and stick to that. For actual emergencies, he can tell the staff and then they can call you.
I think this is the only way to handle it in this case.
As for the guilty feelings, need to work on those feelings. You have done so much for him already.
Is taking repeated calls per day actually helping him? Is it the same topic over and over? So how are you helping him if its the same topic again and again ? For my dad, I realized we were discussing the same 2-3 non solvable complaints on a daily basis , so eventually I realized that discussing them again and again was not helping him, and was just reinforcing his calling about them, and focusing on negative things. Then I realized to cut back on calls for repeated things, without feeling guilt.
For doctors etc, whenever possible I try to find those who will come visit at the Assisted living. Also, for blood test, try to get Quest or similar labs to come draw in the AL. My dad's place has nurses around every day, so that helps with coordinating blood test draws, urine tests etc without having to take him anywhere.
Start blocking his calls, limit your visits. The stress will damage you mentally and physically. Don't let him shorten your life with his negativity and selfish complaining. Don't run over and help him every time he snaps his fingers.
Dad is used to being waited on and spoiled. You can try being brutally honest, but don't expect him to listen.
my dad went thru a stage like this and I had to take a step back and let my sister deal with him
feigning illness. Have you a relative that can help
and you take a little sanity time out ?
if not
you really need to establish boundaries
he’s prob lonely and a bit scared - it can get frightening getting older and also dealing with change
maybe tell him you can only take calls between x and x time
but it looks like you need a little break from him
my break restored my sanity and my dads moods improved
you need help and if that’s not available then to instate boundaries to protect tine for you
any relatives at all who could help
sometimes loneliness boredom and afraid of mixing again can make people behave badly
you need some sanity me time
( it sounds like he’s pushing to maybe live with you - he’s lonely - I was lucky to have siblings to help and we divide the time/days between us. My dad still
hints at living with us - I think it’s the thought of his age and being alone root cause- I have actually bought a new house with a room for him snd renovating and since he knew that his mood improved and he’s back to normal eating - and happy) loneliness can do strange things to people
you need someone to help you tho so that you get a break
family or care person that comes in odd days and no calls on those days
- find someone who can help you
tell
Him doctor says you’re under too much stress and very anaemic- need to rest so you’re having soneone come in x days and you’ll be available other days until you’re better
Ong- I’m Pinocchio!
You can’t fix old . You’ll have to limit visits and phone calls , and keep them short . Maybe you have been going too often . Let him adjust more . Don’t orbit around him trying to fix things and make him happy. Back off , you are not responsible for his happiness .
Don’t tell him to go to activities either .,Let him sit alone if he wants. Some don’t want to go to activities , that’s alright .
Some prefer to happily or unhappily stay in their rooms . Maybe he needs an antidepressant or anxiety med as well .
My mother went to some activities for awhile and my FIL to one activity , but they did not want to admit that they were going . They wanted to play the “ lonely card “.
I would encourage you to make or buy some nice, sharable treat and take dad to some activities and share the treats as a meet and greet. Made my dad very popular in his facility and got me off the hook of having to be his every interaction.
Good luck, this is the hardest thing I have ever done, dealing with a parent in a facility. You will get it sorted out.
My mother would have thrown the treats at me and said she’s not in kindergarten . 🙄🙄.
Im dealing with a similar situation. Recently moved my father to my him with my family in a whole other state. He was living alone and does have Demetia. He had no one to care for him and I was going back and forth monthly to make sure he had everything he needed and to check on him.
Its the same thing everything is about how expensive something is or I’m board but won’t I have in activities.
If you are the only one caring for him you need to set boundaries and limits for yourself. Take a day or two do NOT answer your phone unless absolute emergency. Get a massage, yoga the beach something just for you. It has to be done.
Mine lives with me so I make sure I get at least an hour a week out of the house away from him.
You’re doing a great job. Caring for a parent is not easy!
Hang in there!!
Tell him you’re going to call him every evening, let the rest go to voice mail, you set the time of the call, ask him what’s new refuse to go over the same old same old - nope what’s new today Dad.
Appointments, ask the docs what’s the minimum visits he can have. They’ll usually be glad to go to every 3 months instead of monthly for stable chronic conditions.
You have to get your sanity back. Hope this helps.
Your situation sounds so similar to mine. My Dad was in IL for years but things got really bad with him sleeping all day and messing up his medications. He has lactose intolerance and refused to take lactaid before meals/snacks so bowel incontinence became (and still is) an issue. Finally moved him to AL in February and, although things are a little better he constantly reminds me of how much he hates it there and how terrible the aids are. I have 2 siblings who come down for a few days and take him to dinner, and then leave just as he is winding up for another GI episode. But I will say finding this forum has been a Godsend for me. Sometimes I read others’ stories just to reinforce that I am not alone (and neither are you!) BTW my father is 97. For me the battle I face everyday is the guilt, or FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt). This happens both in and outside of his presence. Take breaks when you need them. Perhaps even depriving him of immediate attention might jar him a bit?
Anyways, best of luck to you!!
I spent 40 plus years trying to make an unhappy negative mother happy . It didn’t work .
Stop trying . At 92 you can’t change him , he’s either got to figure it out on his own , or you have to accept that he will be unhappy .
My MIL is declining and has now been making more and more demands of us as far as entertaining , and more visits the last few years .( We can’t , we live 200 miles away) . The more she declines the more demands and requests . So far she has said she doesn’t want to move in AL near us . She doesn’t want to leave her condo .
But it doesn’t matter , you aren’t the entertainment commitee even if you live close by . It’s how it goes with some elderly . It’s difficult but , you have to set boundaries .
So, its hard to "help him to be happy". The others have commented to you on their experiences over many years.
if there is clear cut depression or other mental illness going on, you can support him to get medical treatment for that. They you can advocate to make sure he is getting enough food, care, and social contact (which can be just getting together with the others in the assisted living, ).
You can see that your tasks end with the items above. It may just not be possible to have him actually be happy. Hopefully with time he will get used to the assisted living and life as it now is. As you mention, you have tried a number of things taking countless hours, and those have not made him more happy, so it just may be at this time that there is no way to make him more happy.
One of my step sisters talks to her dad every week on the same day, at the same time, and has done so for years. I thought the routine a little odd at first, but I now realise it stops there being constant calls.
My other step sister, who lives nearer, has started visiting every Sunday afternoon. She gets his meds ready for the week, sorting the morning and evening tablets into each day's labelled pots. I had suggested this before, but he was resistant, so she just did it without asking :D
When either of the sisters has to change the routine, they give notice without apology, but knowing he'll see or talk to them helps their dad manage his worries and his expectations.
My step sisters send WhatsApp messages with their Wordle scores and their dad sends his to all of us every day. I add a thumbs up emoji, but refrain from an actual message, in case it sets off complaints or demands. This way we know he's okay and there is some form of contact.
I was the first point of contact for years, visiting every week and helping with all the errands and more. When Mum's health got much worse last autumn, my stepdad's demands became too much (getting me out in the middle of the night, having to go round every day after work, and walking lots because I don't drive despite having an issue with my joints); I ended up ill and took time off work with stress.
He stopped being able to do the most basic of tasks, like make a cup of tea or phone the doctors. Not because he really couldn't but because he wanted me to do everything for him. I started dreading seeing a message from him.
I had to cut him off early this year and made him spend money on hiring carers. Even while I was bending over backwards to do everything for him, he was still complaining about me and to me, so I thought he may as well complain while I take my life back.
I made sure that he and Mum had care and I have been there when really needed, but not at his beck and call.
What I've been doing more recently is agreeing with him that, yes, everything is bad, but that's life and all you can do is put up with it. Then leave. I've stopped letting his negativity affect me.
Now that my mum has passed, I will still be there when really needed, but my step sister can now take the lead. She doesn't take any nonsense!
I'd advise you to be like her.
No guilt . You did nothing wrong .You did not make your father the way he is . No one has to live with that toxicity in their home .
If so back off some of the things you are doing for him.
If he has no urgent medical appointments and the ones he has are just follow up or lab work the ALF has transportation and they can take him. You can bring him when there is something more urgent or for an annual physical or if you think there is a specific problem.
You restrict his calls.
If you are working this gets real easy.
"Dad, I can no longer take calls during work hours. I can return calls and call you when I am off work." If it is an emergency the facility will call you.
You need to realize YOU are not responsible for making dad happy. YOU are not responsible for his depression.
If he is too busy to get involved with the activities at the ALF then he is doing something. Now if the reason he is busy is because he is calling you then that will change when you stop taking all his calls.
And...how often do you visit? If it is more than 1 time a week cut back to once a week. Let him find something to do himself.