He complained for several years he was lonely living where he was. Both y brother and I lived at least 400 miles away. So, I moved him to an ALF 10 minutes from my house and have spent countless hours getting him settled, finding doctors, getting all the finance stuff arranged, having him over to my house for dinners/holidays with the family, etc....and nothing makes him happy. He calls constantly with the same list of physical complaints that we have already seen all kinds of doctors for and tested for (including dementia). It all comes back as just a part of normal aging. He needs more assistance (he's getting his medications mixed up) but, complains loudly about the price of it even though he has plenty of money. I sure some of his attitude is due to depression/anxiety but, when I encourage him to do activities in his new home to meet people, be happier, he always says he's too busy! Every interaction with him is very negative to the point where it is affecting my own mental health. Every time I see him calling on my phone or I look on the calendar and see I have to take him to an appointment somewhere, I feel sick to my stomach. Then I feel incredibly guilty because I should want to help my dad. I don't know how to handle this short of just restricting his calls and the time I spend with him. Any thoughts?
Another option is to hire caregiver service to take him to his appointments. In my area you pay a 3 hour minimum.
Do the minimum of appointments--push for the minimum.
Here is what I suggest to help you cope with this situation. I would limit taking calls to just once a day. If there is an emergency, you will be notified. If the ALF has a service for bringing residents to appointments, I'd have it set up for them to bring him to the less important appointments. I also wouldn't get involved in his day to day life at the ALF. If he wants to participate in activities that's great. If he doesn't, he doesn't. He's earned the right to decide that without your input. I would also visit only once a week.
I wish you luck. This isn't easy.
You ignore them.
When your father calls and starts up with the complaining and the negativity, tell him you will not listen to this and end the call. When you are visiting and he starts up with it, the visit ends that veyr minute. Then tell him you will not be visiting if all he's going to do is complain and spread around negativity.
I got married recently and could not have my mother at my wedding because of the complaining, the negativity, and the misery spreading. She ruined the first one more than 30 years ago the same way and I wasn't going to let her do it again. So she sat home watching cable news and working herself up into a panic like she does every day. People rarely visit her because they don't want to deal with the instigating, negativity, complaining and misery.
Our parents are emotional vampires. Making others miserable is how they feed. You just have to leave them to it. They're not interested in enjoying anything or trying to be active and social. Their only enjoyment in life is bringing others down. Your father's in AL. Let him find people there he can feed off of emotionally.
I had to take a big step back from my mother because if I didn't, who knows what would have become of me. I moved back in with her for a few years to help her out and it almost resulted in a tragedy.
Save yourself and stop being your father's sounding board.
My mom was the same way when I moved her to assisted living. The only thing that changed her mood was meeting a man. He lived in down the hall from her. They befriended one another and all of the sudden she had someone to dine with, watch tv with, sit outside with, etc. I bet your dad would not be calling you with complaints if he had a female companion. Start showing up at meal time and sit at a table with other residents. Start asking them their names and where they are from...introduce your dad. Once you do that a couple of times he will be able to do it on his own. Talk with the activities director and let her know what you're doing and ask that she pull your dad into things with these same people.
My mom didn't have hobbies, was not a social person and always very negative. The dementia exaggerated all of those traits and it was not pretty. My mom connecting with this man was the only thing that saved my sanity. You shouldn't have any trouble pairing your dad up with anyone....there are usually 20 women for every one man in these places.
Good Luck!
For him, get him a referral to a psychiatrist, preferably a geriatric psychiatrist. This doctor can evaluate and treat his mental health issues - probably depression. Just remember that it takes time for psychoactive medications to be effective and to find the right combination and dosages.
It sounds like he has dementia. Read / study it so you understand what symptoms you are dealing with (as) the brain changes.
[It sounds like] You are interacting with him as if he is the same person you've known for many decades. He is not the same person so you need to change how you 'see' him and respond to him accordingly (with a changing brain).
If you do not change your 'intention' (mission to 'make him happy') you will continue to burn yourself out. You need to deal with your guilt as this seems to be running you. Once you understand what dementia is, even if he isn't diagnosed, he is changing - and you need to change your intentions, thoughts, behavior.
You need to learn that it is - not only OKAY for you to let limits with your time/energy - it is essential. Otherwise you will continue to lose your 'self,' feel frustrated and exhausted - and 'feel sick to your stomach' as you say . . . of course you do; you are not allowing yourself to have any down time / life of your own. The question is "why not"?
Tell yourself it is okay to set boundaries with him.
If he decides not to socialize with others, that is his choice.
If he has 'plenty of money,' find caregivers / people to help him socialize - either on a one-to-one situation or a caregiver can accompany him to facility events to ease him into it, or take him out for lunch - whatever. If he doesn't want to go, that is up to him.
He will always have reasons / excuses not to xxx.
You need to tell him what you will / will not do and make arrangements for others to support him / keep him company. First, you need to feel that you DESERVE a life of your own and that your dad is not your full responsibility - to the point you are overwhelmed, exhausted, getting sick. Why are you doing this to yourself?
Why do you take it upon yourself to do 'everything' - when he has the money to hire others to SUPPORT YOU to have a life of your own? You need to consider the quality of life you want for YOURSELF and adjust your interaction / visiting accordingly. This may be a pattern of yours for decades with your dad - perhaps it started in childhood. Once you understand what is running you, you will be able to make decisions to change it / stop.
He is running circles around you and you are allowing it.
If you do not stop, it will continue.
If you need support, get into therapy. And, let him pay for it.
So few have the financial resources he has; he is so fortunate.
Gena / Touch Matters
Q2. Where does it come from?
I almost did all that until I learned I was banging my head up against the wall over a very unhappy person and needed to back off in order to not lose my own family relationships. I could no longer spend so many hours trying to make a person happy who I realized did not want to be happy.
And what I learned was that backing off was the right thing to do , it made them adjust to assisted living better , rather than them just waiting for me to come visit . They learned to find other ways to occupy themselves.
In order for a caregiver to have compassion and be able to deal with the negativity , many of us have to limit the exposure to a tolerable level . We can’t all be martyrs .
I don’t see compassion or support for caregivers in your post , I see criticism .
If so back off some of the things you are doing for him.
If he has no urgent medical appointments and the ones he has are just follow up or lab work the ALF has transportation and they can take him. You can bring him when there is something more urgent or for an annual physical or if you think there is a specific problem.
You restrict his calls.
If you are working this gets real easy.
"Dad, I can no longer take calls during work hours. I can return calls and call you when I am off work." If it is an emergency the facility will call you.
You need to realize YOU are not responsible for making dad happy. YOU are not responsible for his depression.
If he is too busy to get involved with the activities at the ALF then he is doing something. Now if the reason he is busy is because he is calling you then that will change when you stop taking all his calls.
And...how often do you visit? If it is more than 1 time a week cut back to once a week. Let him find something to do himself.
No guilt . You did nothing wrong .You did not make your father the way he is . No one has to live with that toxicity in their home .
One of my step sisters talks to her dad every week on the same day, at the same time, and has done so for years. I thought the routine a little odd at first, but I now realise it stops there being constant calls.
My other step sister, who lives nearer, has started visiting every Sunday afternoon. She gets his meds ready for the week, sorting the morning and evening tablets into each day's labelled pots. I had suggested this before, but he was resistant, so she just did it without asking :D
When either of the sisters has to change the routine, they give notice without apology, but knowing he'll see or talk to them helps their dad manage his worries and his expectations.
My step sisters send WhatsApp messages with their Wordle scores and their dad sends his to all of us every day. I add a thumbs up emoji, but refrain from an actual message, in case it sets off complaints or demands. This way we know he's okay and there is some form of contact.
I was the first point of contact for years, visiting every week and helping with all the errands and more. When Mum's health got much worse last autumn, my stepdad's demands became too much (getting me out in the middle of the night, having to go round every day after work, and walking lots because I don't drive despite having an issue with my joints); I ended up ill and took time off work with stress.
He stopped being able to do the most basic of tasks, like make a cup of tea or phone the doctors. Not because he really couldn't but because he wanted me to do everything for him. I started dreading seeing a message from him.
I had to cut him off early this year and made him spend money on hiring carers. Even while I was bending over backwards to do everything for him, he was still complaining about me and to me, so I thought he may as well complain while I take my life back.
I made sure that he and Mum had care and I have been there when really needed, but not at his beck and call.
What I've been doing more recently is agreeing with him that, yes, everything is bad, but that's life and all you can do is put up with it. Then leave. I've stopped letting his negativity affect me.
Now that my mum has passed, I will still be there when really needed, but my step sister can now take the lead. She doesn't take any nonsense!
I'd advise you to be like her.
So, its hard to "help him to be happy". The others have commented to you on their experiences over many years.
if there is clear cut depression or other mental illness going on, you can support him to get medical treatment for that. They you can advocate to make sure he is getting enough food, care, and social contact (which can be just getting together with the others in the assisted living, ).
You can see that your tasks end with the items above. It may just not be possible to have him actually be happy. Hopefully with time he will get used to the assisted living and life as it now is. As you mention, you have tried a number of things taking countless hours, and those have not made him more happy, so it just may be at this time that there is no way to make him more happy.
I spent 40 plus years trying to make an unhappy negative mother happy . It didn’t work .
Stop trying . At 92 you can’t change him , he’s either got to figure it out on his own , or you have to accept that he will be unhappy .
My MIL is declining and has now been making more and more demands of us as far as entertaining , and more visits the last few years .( We can’t , we live 200 miles away) . The more she declines the more demands and requests . So far she has said she doesn’t want to move in AL near us . She doesn’t want to leave her condo .
But it doesn’t matter , you aren’t the entertainment commitee even if you live close by . It’s how it goes with some elderly . It’s difficult but , you have to set boundaries .
Your situation sounds so similar to mine. My Dad was in IL for years but things got really bad with him sleeping all day and messing up his medications. He has lactose intolerance and refused to take lactaid before meals/snacks so bowel incontinence became (and still is) an issue. Finally moved him to AL in February and, although things are a little better he constantly reminds me of how much he hates it there and how terrible the aids are. I have 2 siblings who come down for a few days and take him to dinner, and then leave just as he is winding up for another GI episode. But I will say finding this forum has been a Godsend for me. Sometimes I read others’ stories just to reinforce that I am not alone (and neither are you!) BTW my father is 97. For me the battle I face everyday is the guilt, or FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt). This happens both in and outside of his presence. Take breaks when you need them. Perhaps even depriving him of immediate attention might jar him a bit?
Anyways, best of luck to you!!
Tell him you’re going to call him every evening, let the rest go to voice mail, you set the time of the call, ask him what’s new refuse to go over the same old same old - nope what’s new today Dad.
Appointments, ask the docs what’s the minimum visits he can have. They’ll usually be glad to go to every 3 months instead of monthly for stable chronic conditions.
You have to get your sanity back. Hope this helps.
Im dealing with a similar situation. Recently moved my father to my him with my family in a whole other state. He was living alone and does have Demetia. He had no one to care for him and I was going back and forth monthly to make sure he had everything he needed and to check on him.
Its the same thing everything is about how expensive something is or I’m board but won’t I have in activities.
If you are the only one caring for him you need to set boundaries and limits for yourself. Take a day or two do NOT answer your phone unless absolute emergency. Get a massage, yoga the beach something just for you. It has to be done.
Mine lives with me so I make sure I get at least an hour a week out of the house away from him.
You’re doing a great job. Caring for a parent is not easy!
Hang in there!!
I would encourage you to make or buy some nice, sharable treat and take dad to some activities and share the treats as a meet and greet. Made my dad very popular in his facility and got me off the hook of having to be his every interaction.
Good luck, this is the hardest thing I have ever done, dealing with a parent in a facility. You will get it sorted out.
My mother would have thrown the treats at me and said she’s not in kindergarten . 🙄🙄.