He complained for several years he was lonely living where he was. Both y brother and I lived at least 400 miles away. So, I moved him to an ALF 10 minutes from my house and have spent countless hours getting him settled, finding doctors, getting all the finance stuff arranged, having him over to my house for dinners/holidays with the family, etc....and nothing makes him happy. He calls constantly with the same list of physical complaints that we have already seen all kinds of doctors for and tested for (including dementia). It all comes back as just a part of normal aging. He needs more assistance (he's getting his medications mixed up) but, complains loudly about the price of it even though he has plenty of money. I sure some of his attitude is due to depression/anxiety but, when I encourage him to do activities in his new home to meet people, be happier, he always says he's too busy! Every interaction with him is very negative to the point where it is affecting my own mental health. Every time I see him calling on my phone or I look on the calendar and see I have to take him to an appointment somewhere, I feel sick to my stomach. Then I feel incredibly guilty because I should want to help my dad. I don't know how to handle this short of just restricting his calls and the time I spend with him. Any thoughts?
You can’t fix old . You’ll have to limit visits and phone calls , and keep them short . Maybe you have been going too often . Let him adjust more . Don’t orbit around him trying to fix things and make him happy. Back off , you are not responsible for his happiness .
Don’t tell him to go to activities either .,Let him sit alone if he wants. Some don’t want to go to activities , that’s alright .
Some prefer to happily or unhappily stay in their rooms . Maybe he needs an antidepressant or anxiety med as well .
My mother went to some activities for awhile and my FIL to one activity , but they did not want to admit that they were going . They wanted to play the “ lonely card “.
my dad went thru a stage like this and I had to take a step back and let my sister deal with him
feigning illness. Have you a relative that can help
and you take a little sanity time out ?
if not
you really need to establish boundaries
he’s prob lonely and a bit scared - it can get frightening getting older and also dealing with change
maybe tell him you can only take calls between x and x time
but it looks like you need a little break from him
my break restored my sanity and my dads moods improved
you need help and if that’s not available then to instate boundaries to protect tine for you
any relatives at all who could help
sometimes loneliness boredom and afraid of mixing again can make people behave badly
you need some sanity me time
( it sounds like he’s pushing to maybe live with you - he’s lonely - I was lucky to have siblings to help and we divide the time/days between us. My dad still
hints at living with us - I think it’s the thought of his age and being alone root cause- I have actually bought a new house with a room for him snd renovating and since he knew that his mood improved and he’s back to normal eating - and happy) loneliness can do strange things to people
you need someone to help you tho so that you get a break
family or care person that comes in odd days and no calls on those days
- find someone who can help you
tell
Him doctor says you’re under too much stress and very anaemic- need to rest so you’re having soneone come in x days and you’ll be available other days until you’re better
Ong- I’m Pinocchio!
Start blocking his calls, limit your visits. The stress will damage you mentally and physically. Don't let him shorten your life with his negativity and selfish complaining. Don't run over and help him every time he snaps his fingers.
Dad is used to being waited on and spoiled. You can try being brutally honest, but don't expect him to listen.
Figure out number of visits per month and number of calls that you can tolerate, and stick to that. For actual emergencies, he can tell the staff and then they can call you.
I think this is the only way to handle it in this case.
As for the guilty feelings, need to work on those feelings. You have done so much for him already.
Is taking repeated calls per day actually helping him? Is it the same topic over and over? So how are you helping him if its the same topic again and again ? For my dad, I realized we were discussing the same 2-3 non solvable complaints on a daily basis , so eventually I realized that discussing them again and again was not helping him, and was just reinforcing his calling about them, and focusing on negative things. Then I realized to cut back on calls for repeated things, without feeling guilt.
For doctors etc, whenever possible I try to find those who will come visit at the Assisted living. Also, for blood test, try to get Quest or similar labs to come draw in the AL. My dad's place has nurses around every day, so that helps with coordinating blood test draws, urine tests etc without having to take him anywhere.
As far as calls go, tell dad you're very busy at work and aren't allowed to take calls. Even if you don't work, tell him you do. It saves A LOT of headache and explaining. Like why you can't take him here, there and everywhere. Like why you can't take 15 calls a day, etc. My mother thrived on misery, she was an Energy Vampire. Had I let her, she'd have sucked every ounce of energy and joy right out of me. For 10+ years I dealt with her histrionics and theatrics. And dementia too, down the road. It's my personal opinion that depressed and miserable people's brains are wired TO develop dementia. All that complaining manifests itself into full fledged dementia at some point and then the REAL headaches begin.
So prepare yourself now by setting down boundaries and sticking go them like glue. Because guys like your dad and my late mother are busy looking for the cracks to slither through. Make sure there are no cracks. My mother lived to 95 and caused me heartache and sorrow like no one else on earth. Then 11 months later I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.
The moral of the story is this: take care of YOURSELF because there is no making dad happy.
You're right that depressed people could be more likely (although it isn't inevitable) to have dementia when older. People who suffer from depression often have anxiety disorder as well, and the cortisol that is released in the brain can have a long term detrimental effect.
However, depression isn't being miserable or complaining, although it can become part of it. I have had to contend with a chronic depressive disorder since I was very young, as well as flare ups of severe anxiety disorder. Otherwise, I'm one of the calmest and most cheerful people, according to my colleagues - and even my friends, who have actually seen me in the depths of depression. People call me to help them look on the positive side of situations.
Miserable people aren't necessarily depressed. Some people are so used to looking at the negatives of everything that they feel comfortable on the bad side. You can't persuade them to come over to the sunny side, not even if it were paved with gold.
Also, some people think that it's other people's job to make them happy and to provide them with everything they need. They won't take on any responsibility for themselves. That's what this father sounds like - it's his children's responsibility to make everything right for him. It's time that he and they realise that it's not!
It really is as simple as that.
It's not your job to keep your dad entertained or happy, as he will never be happy, and you have to learn to be ok with that.
So when he starts to complain you on the phone, you tell him that you'll talk to him when he's a better mood and when in person he gets negative you just tell him that you're going to leave and will come back when he can be more positive.
So limit your calls to just a few times a week, and your visits to once a week if you have to, so your dad if he wants will get more involved with the activities at his facility.
If you're not always the answer he may finally step up and venture out in his new world at the facility.
See if the AL has options to take him to appointments.
Limit calls to once a day, maximum. As soon as he gets negative, say goodbye and hang up. There is nothing so interesting going on in his life that he needs to update you multiple times a day. If you’re visiting and he starts to complain get up and leave.
It’s like a toddler throwing a tantrum for attention. Don’t reward negative behavior.
I too recommend few calls, it’s just the same negative conversations over and over.
It’s so hard seeing our loved ones go downhill, but we need to keep our sanity too.
Good luck
It seems that Dad hasn't much changed over all. Aging often does just exasperate our natural proclivities toward negativity if such we do have. And that's been the case for him.
He is unlikely to change.
Therefore, what must change is YOU. That's the only person you have control over.
You already know the answer. Yes, restricting calls are part of it. But FIRST, given your dad doesn't seem to have dementia, I would start HERE>>>>>>>> HONESTY!
You need to go see Dad. Sit him down where you are knee to knee and eye to eye.
Tell him this:
"Dad, I worried so when you were far from me; you seemed so unhappy. I felt responsible for that. I thought I could make you happy with this move. But that hasn't worked. I think I understand now that it wasn't just being far from me and alone, it was so much more. Aging is tough stuff and you have taught me that for sure.
But of late, Dad, your calling me so often, your being so unhappy, has made ME unhappy. And I just cannot allow that.
If visits to you are going to affect my own mental a physical health then I have to cut them SHORT and that's the last thing I want to do. So here's the truth.
1. When I visit you I am willing to hear a bit about things that bother you that I might help with. But then I need to hear other things. Good things. If it is all negative my visits will be short.
2. I want to hear from you, but I need our conversations to IMPROVE my life, not to harm it. So call me when you are in a good mood. And know that I can talk with you in the morning and at night, but the calls will not be long.
3. Dad, I know this is hurtful, but you have had your life. And you have opportunity here to make friends and do activities. I love you and I want your happiness, but I cannot create it, and I cannot allow you to make ME unhappy. I love you. I want to support you. But I have a life to live myself now, my friends, my home, my garden, my grandkids (whatEVER).
Then on you go. IF that doesn't work, sorry, but you'll have to crack-the-whip. You will have to stop answering calls other than a.m. one and p.m. one. You will have to exit with a hug telling him "Dad, I will come again soon and hope you will be in a better mood. I am so sorry things are so tough for you".
Sorry. No other way. Honesty is tough, but boy, you get SOOOOO good at it once you try, and it is SUCH A RELIEF.