Is it wrong of me to ask for a little payment as dad's full-time care giver?

I firmly believe in being paid for caregiving, if no family is available then the alternative would be paying outsiders for very expensive agency or facility care; paying a family member is of benefit to both parties because family almost always works for a minimal stipend. And when it comes to those whose motives are preserving an inheritance and then counting on that as payment - there may be nothing left because even the best family care giver can't do it completely alone indefinitely, plus why should family members who have done nothing receive equal benefit?

Is your own retirement fully funded?

Do you have 35 years of solid SS W-2s?

Do you have sufficient funds in tax-advantaged retirements account to sustain a healthy lifestyle after your mother dies?

Do you have a solid pension from previous employment t?

Will you have a place to live after mom dies? Don't count on he home, which may get clawed back via Medicaid?

Also ask yourself: are you bolstering your siblings inheritance by caring for mom and doing it for free?

I think retroactive is out of the question. You didn't ask for it then, so that is done. Remove it from your plate.

As to caring for your dad, having no job as a result, we on Forum often see people at the end of such an arrangement, having lost everything.
They have no physical or mental health, no job or job history, no place to live as they were living with the parents, and that home has gone to medicaid clawback when finally the parent had to go into care.
I will tell you that what you are doing is a miserable job description.

I would sit down now with family. I would not ask for PAY as this really would result in your parent having to prove they weren't gifting should they need to apply in near future for medicaid and care placement. I would ask for shared living costs. And you can divide that out your help, your driving them, your cooking and cleaning, shared costs of mortgage and utility costs if they are with you and etc. I would tell the family that you will either GET this or you are sorry but parent will have to go into care within the next six months. That you are resigning and will have to return to work. No meanness, no complaining, just the simple facts. Again, NO ARGUMENT. This is a statement.

The costs of dad being in care will be a lot. But you will be getting on with your life. As you SHOULD be. It is your ONE life and you should be living it.

Tell the family that they have a month to consider, then you will meet and get their decision and begin your plans accordingly.

If their choice is that you continue in care you all go directly to an elder law attorney to MAKE A CONTRACT. This will include costs of respite care, which you will NOW start to research for four weeks a year off. Costs of respite care will come from your Dad's social security and will be paid by the POA out of his S.S. funds.

Good luck. Hope you get back to us on your own choices for your own life. I wish you the very best.

You should be paid. If not, walk away. If your father needs help, all of you will need to find a way. It is not up to you to give up your financial future to care for your father. The only reason they are reluctant to pay is because it reduces their inheritance. Walk away and don't come back until they can pay you market wage for your services.

Lin,

Welcome to the forum.

Of course, you aren’t wrong to wish to be compensated for your work in caregiving for your father.

I am sorry that you are doing all of the ‘hands on’ care alone. You’re not alone in this.

Many caregivers do not receive help from their siblings. In an ideal world everyone would do their share but often times this isn’t possible due to various circumstances.

You should be concerned about your own financial future. Do not lose focus on what this means for you in the long run.

How much longer are you planning to continue caring for your father and neglecting your own welfare?

Have you considered placing your dad in a facility where he will have his needs met and you will be free to seek a job that will allow you to earn income to support your own life?

Best wishes to you and your father.

This is absolutely not an unreasonable request. If you're responsible for your dad's bills and manage his bank accounts, you should just deduct a reasonable amount automatically. I learned this lesson myself. I'm the caregiver to my mom, I pay her bills, do her shopping, maintain the house, etc. As my mom's dementia has worsened, I had to cut my hours at my job and took a pay cut. I realized that I could no longer afford the cost of paying for groceries and necessities out of my own pocket. I had to devise a reasonable reimbursement for myself that is more than reasonable. Shame on your siblings for not doing more and offering such compensation automatically. Wish you all the best!

I don't think it is unreasonable, however, I am imaging that you are living rent free with your father and food is also supplied, that may be the rub. So perhaps a bit less like $500 a month spending money.

IMO, the best option would be for you to get a job outside the home and build for your own future.

Are you asking us if it is "wrong"? Of course it's wrong!

Now are you willing to do something about it? Or did you just want some validation?

You do not mention dementia as part of dad's diagnosis.
If dad is cognizant why are your siblings the ones to determine if you get paid or not.? That should be dad's decision.
Begin looking for a place to live. Get a job lined up.
Once you have that give "notice" that as of xx/xx/2023 you are "quitting" your job.

If you do get paid then forget what happened in the past. You need to have a caregiver agreement. Legitimate hours, there needs to be at least 1 more caregiver and you can not work 24/7. You need to pay taxes on what you earn. This will hep you later as that will count towards your Medicare and Social Security when you doo retire. Check the going rate for caregivers in your area and you should make at least what the average hourly rate is for what you do.

I just have a tough love question for you. Do you consider yourself a slave? Two people cannot live on one person's retirement. Even 1k per month is way below the poverty level. Have you contacted APS about both of your situations