Mom pees in her clothes and will sit in it all day unless I change her clothes and stand right by her. I think she has lost her smell because she says she can't smell the pee. I'm not mentally ready to put her in diapers- I change kiddie diapers in my preschool job and that's all I can handle for now.
I try to tell mom she can't sit in pee clothes all day but her response is leave me alone, this is not a big deal etc.
Is there a way to get mom to change on her own and not me hovering around her to make sure she does change??
Has she ever had a cognitive/memory test by her doctor? If not I think this is the second step you need to take (and also to discount that she's having a different problem, like UTI, thyroid, over- or under-medicating, diabetes, etc).
The first thing I'd do is to find out if she has an assigned DPoA to take care of her medical and financial affairs when she is no longer able. If she doesn't have this, I strongly recommend you try to encourage her (not force her) to do this, and you'll need to help her get it done. You can read up on what this entails on other topics on this forum, and why it's important for her to give this legal authority for someone.
The reason why the diagnosis comes second is because if a PoA is created after someone is diagnosed, it can be contested (and mostly by contentious siblings or other family members). But an actual diagnosis will give you better guidance as to how to help her, like if she can benefit from certain meds, etc.
I'm so sorry you are coming to the realization that your mom is now less able to help herself and you are working and maybe even have a family as well. FYI you and your family are a priority over your mom -- if you don't get this order correct you will burn out and then everyone will suffer in some way. Please take care of yourself. For a while you'll feel like you're drinking from a firehose. Teepa Snow has some very good videos on YouTube so that you can learn about dementia and ways to make working with your mom easier through understanding the disease and how it impacts her abilities, and what behaviors it causes her to have. Her brain is broken and she can't help it. If you step up for her please do it being as fully informed as possible. This forum is a wealth of info so search for your questions to get lots of helpful answers.
You can remove all her cloth undies and replace them with adult incontinence ones so she doesn't have a choice but to wear those (if she even realizes she needs a fresh one).
I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you help your mom!
It makes no sense to me that you'd rather clean up a body and clothing that's saturated with urine than to face reality and get your mother properly clothed in adult incontinence products. It's part of what you signed up for when taking her into your home to live with you. It's not pleasant, but it's easier to change Depends than it is to change soaking wet clothing! Not to mention, it's healthier and more hygienic for her and your entire household. Nobody should be sitting in wet clothing on furniture all day long.
"Telling your mom" anything is not going to register with her. Dementia robs a person of their reasoning skills and no matter how many times you tell them something, it doesn't get thru. I got my 80th call this morning from the memory care AL where my mother lives. She was 'getting up to go to work' this morning and fell out of bed, yet again, b/c she doesn't remember that she can't walk. So she's fallen 80x already and soon, I'll be getting the 81st call on the same matter. She hasn't gotten hurt yet, which is a miracle in and of itself, but it's only a matter of time before that changes, too. At almost 95 years old, sooner or later, she's going to break a bone in one of these falls.
Stop trying to use logic with dementia, and stop trying to ward off the inevitable with your mother. Learn all you can about dementia so you know what you're dealing with. Knowledge is power.
If she is unaware she peeing her clothes, then you have to treat her as you would a baby. Changing a soaked diaper/pad will just be part of the daily work. We're just beginning this with mother. She had her catheter removed and now has to wear incontinence briefs full time. It takes her 15 minutes to change--and she can do it herself. It's just annoying. BUT--saturated her bed and recliner everyday was completely unacceptable. The recliner got shampooed every day and didn't ever really dry. I think she really needs a new one!
Realizing our parents have come to this point in life is hard. If they fight you, it's even worse. But it's unsanitary and smells awful---and is absolutely not dignified, truth be told.
Mom is fighting us on the incontinence panties and pads, but nobody will take her in their cars if she is simply non-stop peeing, which is what she does now.
This isn't about you--it's all about mom. And yes, it's sad to see this kind of decline.
Unlike you the OP's mother is not able to look after herself, for many the need to manage incontinence is a real deal breaker when it comes to caregiving.
Urine will cause skin breakdown that will be far more difficult to handle than diapers. Depends pull-ups, in my experience - not very absorbent. Definitely augment with pads.
Adult incontinence is very, very hard to handle. There is also the massive laundry you incur. There is endless changinng of bed linen. It will ruin anything with upholstery.
I have found Unique Wellness Absorbent Underwear (pull-on) with Nasa Technology to be good for 8 to 12 (overnight) hours.
Pull-ups are completely useless once a person graduates from urinary incontinence to bowel incontinence though. Then the only choice is a diaper.
I have told my mom's story many times in my earlier posts, so I didn't mention it again here. Maybe that accounts for some of the snarkiness in this thread. People don't know the background, so they assume the worst...whatever...I'm ignoring the rudeness and choosing to focus on the many helpful tips most of you have given me. I have POA for mom.
Your furniture will be getting peed on. So will your rugs if you have any. Then the whole house stinks of piss and there's nothing you can do about it except tear up the carpeting and throw away the furniture.
Take some precautions now. Put your mother in pull-ups. Get protective covers for the furniture so it doesn't get ruined. Furniture is expensive. If your money is tight can you afford to spend a fortune on new furniture and carpets?
No one wants to see their parents or anyone they love go into diapers. You love your mom, so bite the bullet and do what must be done. It will be better for her too because if she's sitting in piss soaked clothes, she's going to get a UTI. Wearing a pull-up is better than getting a UTI. Good luck.
It had been going on for awhile (I live 400 miles away and hadn’t been home for a year due to Covid).
His skin was red and tough from sitting in urine for hours on end. You don’t want to get to that stage with your mom. We had to go above and beyond with keeping his skin clean and dry because it was so irritated.
I had to make it part of the daily routine to check him every few hours and make him wear depends. He would complain because it required him moving more often but that was actually good for him to get in that exercise.
We also started using washable chair pads for him to sleep on and similar ones for his bed. Clean up is much easier if/when the depends leak.
I felt overwhelmed at first but after a few weeks it became easier. Sending you support and love.
The change in abilities is so suprising and frustrating, isn't it? My mom was always had everything 'just so', and the loss of her ability to take care of her herself was so hard for me to understand--how was she ok with the saturated pads and wet pants? Why was she not changing out of them when they were wet? I just didn't understand at first that the losses include being able to initiate and do multi-step tasks.
After she made the switch to the incontinence briefs, she kept looking for her undies until I removed all of them from her dresser. The briefs are a bit bulky, but not too bad. If you're undressing her out of undies then this will be the same. Do you belong to something like a Costco, or Sam's Club, or BJ's? You can get the briefs there for a bit less, and in a bigger amount. We use the BJ's house brand and they're similar to Depends.
I've worked for many elders like this. I always spoke plainly, with no shame to a client and would just tell them that they pissed themselves and have get changed. This always worked better than pleading or treating them like children and promising a treat. They're still adults.
It's harder when there's dementia though. That's when you have to just get the work done and it's often an unpleasant experience for both the elder and the caregiver. More than a few times I had to put an elder's hand in their diaper and show it to them in order to get them changed and cleaned up. We do what we have to do.
What conditions does your mom have? To be willing to sit in wet pee clothes, I'd guess she either has dementia or is very depressed. Either seems like it could keep her from caring about or doing anything about her wetness.
It doesn't appear she is interested in doing this on her own. Hire someone to come in and change her. To put her on the toilet every X hours.
The Always brand pull-ups are really nice because they're light and very comfortable to wear. They are for light bladder leakage not incontinence. The Always pull-ups don't hold up when a person actually fully pees and doesn't get to the toilet.
I had tried some for a client of mine and they didn't hold up. She needed more.
Save the furniture, her clothes and your mind...give in to the adult world of a padded butt!
You might also get her an appointment to see the doctor. She could have a UTI or urogynecological problem where she can not hold her urine. Those problems could be resolved. She also could have some brain injury - stroke - that may be the reason for this new problem.
You need to change your way of thinking.
Things will not get better or easier. Hate to be a downer on this.
Your mom will start needing help with all ADL’s .
These would be efficient for mild incontinence, she said, and are actually sold as such, but she loves them.
For the OP--accepting that your mom is aging and will likely have much worse to come---I'm sorry for that. Been there with my mom & MIL and there isn't much you can do but accept and adapt.