How do I keep my mother from invading every moment and destroying my own health?

Hi everyone, may I vent for a minute. My hubby and I spoke to mom yesterday. She is again,taking too much insulin it is way to low. We spoke to her about getting outside now that it's beautiful,etc. Well, I planted a garden yesterday and showed it to her. My mistake. Today,she moved about 15 25 lb blocks, tramped through my fresh planted garden and covered up the back portion with her blocks.I don't know if this is revenge for talking to her, certainly contempt for my efforts. Running away sure sounds good to me. My hubby tried to talk to her and she is now alluding to "knowing what she aught to do, but doesn't have the nerve". I just don't have it in me any more to feel sorry for her crap. She will complain for weeks about her sore back and probably not go outside again for the summer. Oh well. Thanks for listening.

Hi ajasHE,
You might have to wait until YOU can take control of the situation. If she still has any awareness and control of herself, then it's going to be difficult. The thing about Narcissistic mothers, and US, their 'born to be selfless for N's benefit", is that we have been programmed to feel guilty if we don't jump when they say JUMP!
Can you PRETEND that she is someone else you don't know, and don't care about? I mean, anyone who puts up with this crap for 50 plus years ought to be NUMB by now. Right?
Yeah, I'm not either...BUT, remember the self-help philosophies that tell us, "YOU have to change your own behavior, attitude, reaction..." yada yada yada. It takes rebelling, big time.
Yesterday, I placed my Mother in a residential care home. Yesterday, I cried and felt like someone died. Today, I got a call from the owner of the home who said, "Well, she is interesting. Different from anyone we have ever had. ( wha ha ha) She can't be left alone for longer than ONE MINUTE, and someone has to SIT WITH HER AND HOLD HER HAND. We're working on it." uh huh. He also said she did the "I might as well just DIE", ploy, and he said he wasn't interested in talking to her if she was going to play games with him. Oooo, I like this guy more and more.
Of course, dementia is dementia, and bad behavior is her MO when she doesn't get her way. I know, been experiencing it for almost 60 years.

I like my home this way. The energy is calm today, and all the windows are open to air out the negativity. I have to go to the dentist and have skin grafts, but other than that, I'm happy. I will go visit her this afternoon. She has only asked for me once since yesterday, so maybe I'm not that important to her survival after all. Gee, and I put so much of myself into this for the last year. Maybe it's not about WHO is doing for her, but simply that someone, anyone, does for her?
We have plenty of people we can do for, people who love us for who we are and don't take advantage or try to use us up for their own selfish needs. I am sure my Mother does not care that I have been exhausted, or have not slept for almost a year, or have gained 10 pounds from stress eating, or that my husband lets her listen to music in the family room instead of him being able to relax at night and watch the news, and oh so many other things that I am still way too tired to think about.
She was self centered when her children were small, and it never changed.
I know not all elderly people are like this, but dementia brings out the very worst in a Narcissistic personality.

Final Best Answer I can give: Take charge and get POA, if possible, tell the siblings you are done with her ruining your life and tell them to help you find a place. Get her moved and visit for an hour every couple of days. When she starts her manipulations, get up and go home. Do not respond to it--I'll bet you can run faster than she can and get to your car before she could catch you. It will be hard at first, but she will be safe, and it will be good for YOU. The leaving and the running:D
Every day will be better. Good Luck and let us know your progress.
Hugs, Christina

I remember when I started with my mom I thought I was going to guts nuts and loose my health..but stuck with and got a caregiver which helped immensely. I had a narcissitic mother...which I am thinking now develop into Dementia/Alz later on. I have been through the entire deal now..my mom passed away 3 weeks ago. I can tell you that I would not change taking care of her even though I did not want to many times. I checked out long term care around me and was grossed out and took Family Leave and took care of her with the caregiver and the Hospice team and so glad I did it. Each person is different, just look at your situation carefully and think long and hard before you do anything at this point in regards to your mom. You will come to the right decision as time goes on.

I am trying from a short distance to care for my mom. her memory is getting worse about conversations mostly. she is feeble but still ambulatory. she is narcisisstic which makes it really tough. she lives in a apt. at my sisters but their relationshio has deteriorated so they barely communicate and mother is always sniping at and about her. She won't move in with me because she doesn't want to lost the money she spent on building the apt. she get Meals on wheels but doesn't eat them. she lives on ice cream and junk. I am so burned out and tired I hope she dies then feel guilty about that. Dad has been dead since 1997. Mom was 'pretty good' till about 5 years ago not long after she gave up her house and moved in with my sister. She is a master manipulator. I am worn out emtionally. Any reccomendations. She WILL NOT go into a home and really doesn't need to except for out sanity. I dread Tuesday and THursday mornings. My sister dreads everyday and has started spending all day away which leaves mom alone and more for me tor worry about. My sistere says "sorry, I can't do anymore." I feel like the entire family depends on me to 'take care of things', not just mom. help!

JennieB - I know how you feel. My mother is the same way. She has not called the doctor but she listens in on phone calls and if you go to another room, she thinks you are talking about her and pouts. My husband and I can't have a decent argument without her making it about her. If we have a disagreement, she will say, "I known it's about me." In a way it is about her. Because she is always there. I have 6 other siblings and like you, can't get a one of them to take her for a weekend. Even if they were to say yes, she always says, "I don't want to go anywhere." I'm so tired of not having the freedom to do what i want to do . I didn't promise my dad but in a way I did. He took care of her until he died in January and I know he died in peace knowing that I would care for her. If I told her that she had to move, she would never forgive me or speak to me again. I've only had her for 8 months and I'm so tired of it. I cannot imagine 13 years!!!!!

Peace and Blessings to all adult children who care for their difficult elderly parents. I am moving my Mother this morning in a couple of hours. It does not help to be sitting here feeding her her fruit and yogurt, as we have done every morning for almost a year, and listening to Perry Como sing the Lord's Prayer.

Yet, I am not willing anymore to sacrifice my own well-being, my husband's privacy in his refuge, and our freedom as middle life adults with a lot of living and working to do. Tough but loving choices are painful.

JennieB - I agree with those that say move out and/or move on. My parents live independently (barely) from me down the road, and believe me, there is STILL plenty to do! I also have siblings that never help or visit. They do nothing. But I will ultimately refuse to have them living here because it will crush my family and kill me. If they are in between housing or NH or whatever down the road, I'll help but it won't be for the long run. When the other two don't give a sh@t, why should I ruin my life. Dad has dementia and Mom self medicates. It's really pretty.....But I get to come home very day and regroup. So should you. xoxo
-SS

Isn't it amazing that caring for your moderately confused Mother is more stress than raising children. She is still at her home, but I am with her most of the
time. Taking her to appts., making sure she has food, bringing her to my apartment for meals and games of cards (war) going out to eat, playing slots at the local S.O.I. (lol) shopping, doing her laundry, taking her to get her hair done, etc. etc. Every day asking about money, does she get S.S and pension she is always asking. She does very well in fact, but think she doesnt have money. Mark everything on her calendar for events coming up. Going to try and take her to a senior center to socialize with her own peers, hope this helps. Problem is, what about me. No siblings to count on, but a cousin who is very good with her. Wants to know what we are doing everyday. When I was growing up as a single child, she was never there, always working, even on holidays. Was left alone with the exception of walking to my Grandmother's house. Now she is saying I don't like to be alone. Tip of my tongue is "where were you when i was a child", but she is 90 and guess i have too much respect. The past is the past. I work at home 4 days a week, and I would love to be able to do the things I want to do, but feel too guilty and wonder what will happen if I go out with friends, which is not very often. Guess we have to take it day by day. I know that someday, I will have to place her in a personal care setting, something I dread doing. I feel so lost and I cry at times because I know that I have lost my Mother. I have to live in her world now. (Just venting)

Please don't do what I did to myself. My mom passed away 7 years ago and I promised her that I would take care of my dad. He wanted to continue living in his own apartment so I had to go there every day sometimes 3 times a day because I had no help from my brother or sister. I even would run to his beckon call at 3:30 a.m. because he was not feeling well. I felt like I "had" to do it and not complain about it because, after all, he raised me and now was my time to take care of him. It came to the time last year where I could not do it anymore. I was running myself ragged and not even taking care of my own health issues. I spoke to my siblings and we all agreed, of course they were very willing, to place him in a nursing facility because of his health issues. He is now there a year and still making me feel so guilty about placing him there. I have just finally gotten over the guilt because he is receiving 24/7 care and has never looked better. I know my mother would agree with me that I made the right decision. I now am suffering with my own health issues that I should have taken care of last year. Please don't do this to yourself. I almost ended up in a divorce because my husband couldn't take seeing me running around like a lunatic and we didn't have a normal family life. My sons were even complaining that they never saw me. I finally am realizing that I lost who I was seven years ago and am just trying to build my health and find some normalcy in my life. Do what you feel is right in your heart; do it for you, your mother and your family. You will see that it was the right decision to get her the proper care she needs. Good luck to you.

Well she can't take care of herself. But she's an adult and the law says she has all the rights of someone who can take care of herself. Unless you are her guardian or she is incapacitated (which she might be during an "episode") there is nothing legally you can do.

This is the fine line so many of us walk. We can only do what they will allow.

My mother is an expert at putting herself in situations that will create a problem. But there's nothing I can do about it. She has a gall bladder full of stones and refused surgery after the mess became infected.The doctor told her he'd check her every two weeks for possible reinfection, but now she's decided it's too much trouble.

What does one do? Nothing. She's not my child. I have no legal responsibility for her. But it will be me who looks after her when she becomes ill again.

In follow up to previous response . . . I have a power of attorney, but how and when do I insist on using it? Most of the time, my mother insists she is capable of taking her meds, keeping her books. What scares me is about once a month, she claims she doesn't know where she is, where the groceries came from, etc. Her doctor says that she probably is capable as long as she's not having an episode. Great . . . she seems so scared during these things I try mainly to comfort her . . . not take things away., but I can not seem to get the doctors advise through my thick skull. How can someone in this situation be trusted to take care of theirself? I don't know.

N1K2R3 - Funny response. Mother lives in our home, not the other way round. She lives on social security, hasn't paid rent in 13 years and is broke by the middle of each month. She won't allow me to help her with her finances, so I'm not sure where all her income is going,but I know she couldn't make it on her own financially. Any other ideas?

Move out.

Thank you for the book recommendation, RG. I always felt like a disconnected entity, thought I was in the wrong family. Actually, hoped I was. I used to run away as a child on a regular basis, but no one ever came looking for me! I'm not kidding! Well, it taught me to enjoy being alone, and it didn't kill me, but I grew up having very high expectations of myself, and low ones of everyone else. Blaah!!

I've read enough of these questions to know we women are dealing with very demanding, narcississtic mothers. On one hand our guilt keeps us caring for them beyond our present physical capacity to do so. But we're constanty reminded of what we didn't get as children, as one responder said. I am reading a book I'd like to recommend "I Am My Mother's Daughter" by Iris Krakow. 100 stories tell of dealing with this kind of mother and what their responses and reactions were.

Hi Maggie, glad to hear she's still alive. I've tried talking to my mom, but it does no good. She has an excuse for everything. Lately, she doesn't get out of bed til 10 or 11 and she's a diabetic, so this really messes up her dosages and meals. I've offered to help with both issues, but she insists that she's capable. It seems like there are no perfect answers but at least we are all trying.

I'm not sure I understand your question. Is your husband showing these types of behavior too? If so, I would think the same answers would apply. No matter who we may be caring for, the stress and frustration would be similar. Maybe even harder if it involves a spouse because we choose to "love,honor and cherish", but even at that, sometimes we need help or they need help that we just can't give. Doing our best is the best we can do. Good luck to you.

I think this might be a silly question but on this forum everyone seems to be caring for a Mother or Father. The questions/answers are directed to the Caregiver, their children. What I would like to know is could I use some of these recommendations on my husband. There is only me and no one else and the dogs aren't any help but they are good listeners :) Any suggestions would be very helpful.

I told my mother I've had enough and I couldn't look after her anymore. She's still hanging on to her home and living crisis to crisis. Last time I went over I took the police with me and made them go in first to check on her because I was afraid she was dead when she didn't answer the phone. Also if she was alive I wanted her to know that I was starting to involve the public authorities against her wishes. BTW she was still alive.

"If I say anything to her, she cries and asks if I want her to leave."

Next time she asks if you want her to leave say "yes" and start the dialogue. Go out and get brochures of nearby facilities and have them ready to show her. It is time you reclaim your life. You can honor your Father's wishes by finding a good place for your Mother.

The commandment, "Honor your Father and Mother", comes to mind every time I am faced with this, which is every day.
Jennie, dealing with a manipulator and thinking you have to put up with her sick behavior, and with the mocking of other family members, is beyond unacceptable.
I am moving my Mother this Sunday into a residential care home, as Lilliput has described. It is a house in a regular neighborhood with 5-6 other similar people with their own rooms and live-in caregivers. My Mother was in one after her husband died 3 years ago, but was over-medicated and the head CG was a yeller. I got her out, brought her into our home and started the journey of caring for her 24/7, with 2 good caregivers during the day. We got her off of unnecessary medications and after 9 months, she is more alert, but also more demanding and everyone is exhausted from her needing 1 on 1 attention every waking minute. Who can do it? What about everyone else?
Being in this position of caring for my Mother has been an eye opener: I realize that growing up, all she provided was food, shelter and clothing in the way of basic needs. I continued to seek, through my own natural will to survive and thrive, to find my own way. So, I am a late bloomer, but I have a broader perspective and gave my children what I did not receive: nurturing, affection and encouragement. That is what a parent is supposed to do. Isn't that what you do when you love and cherish something beyond yourself? That is a fact, and what they dole out is not love of others, but a sick, self-concern. Please find a nice place and enjoy your life with your husband. God Help Us All.

When you promised your dad that you would care for her, it did not mean that she has to be under the same roof. Your mother needs specialized care that you are not trained to give her. She is also a little bored, from lack of social contacts, and needs to have her energy re-directed. Again, this cannot happen if she is in your home.
And as Carol mentioned above, you have to protect your health. People here used to say that to me long ago and I thought I could do it all. Three years later, I have hit the wall and my health is suffering for it.
Today, call around to facilities that specialize in Alz/Dem care. There are so many nice ones now that look like homes instead of "facilities." Vist a few - you need to see for yourself that she will be cared for.
If the family protests, ask them to "rotate" taking care of Mom. I doubt you will have any "takers." At the very least look into in-home care or adult daycare so you and your hub can get a break.
You posted in this forum because you need to make a change. Start today.

You've honored the spirit of your promise to your dad. He wouldn't expect you to destroy your own health and perhaps even your marriage, to care for your mother who is obviously ill. Her paranoid behavior could be dementia. Please have her doctor check her for dementia. Whatever the results, 13 years is long enough for this kind of life. She will outlive you if you allow this to go on. It's time to look for a nice assisted living center. She will protest and cry, but do it anyway.
If your siblings think this is so amusing, they need to take their turn caring for her. If they aren't willing to do that, then they need to back you in making this change.
Good luck - you will need to stand firm. But let everyone know your health is threatened by the current situation and you need to get some rest. You can make sure everyone knows you will visit your mom, and that you expect them to do the same.
Carol