How can I manage all of this mess without going crazy?

I am ambivalent about posting this as I am not sure it will be taken in the loving way it is meant, but you need to grow a backbone! You somehow have been conditioned by your family into believing that you owe them something. You make it possible for your Aunty to reject professional care because you are willing to step in and fill that role. She and her granddaughter POA won't accept reality because they don't have to. They don't care if you are up to the task, either physically or mentally, because they don't seem to value your needs or opinions at all. If you look after your own needs first they will have to make other plans, if you continue as you are they never will, and you will grow old being the unappreciated family caregiver. Eventually Aunty will die or she decline will enough that she must accept nursing home care, what will happen to you then?

Gospelgirl223 - no one is forcing you to care for your aunt. Why not move out? Decide what you are willing to continue to do for your aunt and do that to help her, but decide not to be the family door mat.

Have to agree with everyone although I can't do it myself! that said there are limits even to my tolerance. You need to call a family meeting BUT before that you need to log all you do and I mean everything - yes it may drain your last bit of energy but it was the only way I could PROVE to a professional that I needed help in the form of respite care and I needed it immediately.

6:45 am: Woke up 11-year-old cousin for school.
10 am: Woke up and got Aunty ready
11:30 visit by the home health nurse
12:30 visit by the physical therapist (who came just for an initial evaluation).

Now I dont have a camera in your house honest but I bet you did much more than that and yuou havent logged the duration - so did you just shout your cousin's name and then that was it?

Clearly Aunty is not that mentally competent I'll explain why later and what does getting ready entail? washing/ showering/ toiletting/ massaging creams in/ giving medication and making sure she takes it? dressing her? finding her clothes?

It doesn't matter what your aunty thinks she needs if the OT thinks she needs therapy then she needs therapy - that she wont accept help is another matter - once you stop doing the things she would be able to do after she had therapy she might see the value of it - use it or lose it is a common phrase emerging from my lips and I am quite harsh about it - I dont shout but I am very very formal when I say it

After that, she complained because I misplaced some important paperwork of hers

This is not your fault - if she was competent she would have filed it away she didnt her fault. Put the blame back to her use something like - why didnt you file it away if it was important? or You say you are competent but you are losing track of things. If she shouts at you walk away you are never to allow her to abuse you and yes it does work both ways - even if it isnt deliberate it is still abuse

Later, when POA cousin came to pick up her son (whom we watch after school), we went out to get take-out for everyone's dinner. Who is this we watch after school dont you mean you watch? how long fo?r what does it involve? how does it impact on caring for aunty?

Back home, I realized that I forgot to get 11-year-old's food (he wanted something from a different store) - Tough he has what you have or he goes hungry not your job to be running around after him - let him sulk - he will learn

So Aunty complained about my forgetfulness. This led to another discussion of how I lost a piece of her jewelry while she was in the hospital.
Her fault she should keep it in a locked box then it wouldnt get lost

When cousin POA went out, I had to watch the 16-month old. Erm hello reality check Cinderella there is no glass slipper and no prince charming tell her no

She returned, then we ate.She stayed for another hour or two and left, but the 11-year old is spending the night and I have to wake him up for school. NO NO NO NO NO tell her you simply cannot be looking after his every excruciating need and your aunty as well you are burning out

After a while, I got Aunty ready for bed, and how long did that take~?

ironed the 11-year old's school uniform and ran his bath, then cleaned up after him when he was done. This is not a child this is a brat - my 4 year old grandson cleans up the bathroom ok he cant iron and he cant run his bath but the child is 11 for heaven's sake MAKE HIM DO IT as for the clothes tell your cousin POA you are not ironing clothes for him and if you DO decide to yes to looking after said brat then he must come with the right clothes, pressed and ready for him to wear

So now you can see that you havent mentioned getting lunch dinner tea drinks, cleaning laundry, bed making, washing up tidying keeping paper filed away (if Aunty is incapable)

This simply isnt on record everything have a meeting and tell them you have to help or I WILL walk away not because I want to but because I cannot keep doing this amount of work without a break - in the end I will be ill and then there will be NOONE .

Go for it gal you can do this - you might feel sick in the stomach with the number of butterflies you will have in there but you HAVE to do it for your own sanity

Knowing gospelgirl's situation does make a difference. We have so many new posters come in each month that it is hard to remember each one. Her post is at https://www.agingcare.com/questions/be-my-best-to-everyone-and-still-feel-good-about-myself-180149.htm

gospelgirl, if we could go back in time I would say Don't quit your job! But I know we are beyond that point now and you do receive disability. I am actually glad that your cousin is there to help, since she is able to drive. That makes everything easier. I could kick your aunt's butt, though, for working at your self esteem like she does. I've found that when people tear others down, it is because they themselves are insecure. They aren't fun to be around.

From what I see your family is lucky to have you. Reading your history, I imagine you feel that you have a debt to your family. But reading what you are doing for them, I know they are lucky. It looks like the only thing you're not doing is driving. If your aunt isn't happy with that, then she isn't going to be happy with anything. I would let her words roll off the best I could and walk away when you need to. It is what I do when my mother starts yelling.

ummmm my 2 cents: an 11 yr old can start to learn how to set an alarm clock and begin to learn how to wake up. It won't happen overnight, you have to teach them how but eventually they catch on. Did you plan to be his alarm clock until adulthood?

2ndly, why run around to different stores for the 11 yr old? Sometimes yes, but not to be expected.

3rd...make sure you're unknowingly putting on the "martyr cape" in the morning doing all for others and then feeling resentful. It is hard to say no when you are used to being selfless but you have to start with small no's here and there.

Good luck

Because Care Givers often times don't get financially compensated for our contributions, other family members have a tendency to think that 'room and board' equivalent is plenty. Maybe POA should be reminded that you are saving the estate (depending on costs in your area) $7K mo in a facility. Don't get me started on the nanny/daycare responsibilities you are providing. You're really getting dumped on. I think there should be a name for the services we provide. 'Care Giver' sounds about as important as a jar of warm spit.

I meant to share with you a copy of my daily log - I will just do 12 hours so you can see what I mean - You do so much more than you actually think

05:30 06:00 Toiletted changed pad bowel normal washed and creamed assisted back to bed 25 mins
06:00 06:30 checked mum was sleeping - needed a drink 10 minutes
06:30 07:00 Ordered some clothes on line that Mum wanted
07:00 07:30 Had a shower myself and got dressed
07:30 08:00 Got clothes out ready for the day and prepared shower room for showering
08:00 08:30 Meal Preparation Medication Pain relief Pain relief gel Beverage
08:30 09:00 Chat Bathing Shower Dressing
09:00 09:30 Chat Bathing Shower Dressing
09:30 10:00 Laundry 30 mins
10:00 10:30 Cleaned commode and sanitary ware replaced towels cleaned bathroom windows and shower screen 30 mins
10:30 11:00Toiletted changed pad beverage 15 minutes
11:00 11:30 Found right tv station for mum chatted about which she wanted for about15 mins
11:30 12:00 Toiletted changed pad juice 15 minutes
12:00 12:30 Meal Preparation Medication Pain relief Pain relief gel Beverage refused food wanted something else
12:30 13:00 Meal Preparation
13:00 13:30 Washing up breakfast and lunch things
13:30 14:00 Cleaned tidied kitchen put washing out to dry
14:00 14:30 Toiletted changed pad beverage 15 minutes
14:30 15:00 Filed Mums papers and recorded them
15:00 15:30 Rang doctors and hospital and bank
15:30 16:00 Social worker called on phone for 15 minutes re using carers in house - mum wont allow them
16:00 16:30 driving to meeting with Psych
16:30 17:00 meeting with Psych
17:00 17:30 driving home from meeting with Psych

An 8 year old can iron. Acquaint the 11 year old with iron and ironing board and the washing machine. If he doesn't like a take out meal he can eat cereal that night. The POA needs to be made aware and participate in the care. If your aunt is abusive, walk out of the room. You have more control than you realize.

Gospel, you don't have to do everything the way your aunt did because your situation is quite different than hers. She was an able bodied woman, who took care of herself and CHOSE to do for the child. You are a woman with your own physical problems who is taking care of your aunt, now an elderly woman unable to care for herself. To help her better and keep yourself healthy for both of you, you can also choose which childcare duties are no longer possible for you to do.

Families evolve as we all age, and it becomes no longer possible to keep life the same as it was for most of the family members. It's not reasonable for your aunt or cousin to expect you to add coddling duties to your list.

Many of us have had to do things our way so we could manage caregiving and our own responsibilities. It can start with small things, like switching to online banking and bill paying. It can be ordering groceries online, instead of trips to the store. As frequent flyer has written on other postings, make a list of everything you do, then start crossing out things that aren't essential.

people are trying to tell you you shouldnt spoil kids or adults but you dont seem to be hearing what theyre sayin .
when my family was younger we didnt afford to have fast food very often but every time we did our youngest son would want to order something different just to be a pita . he NEVER got by with it , not even once . he was told to have a cheeseburger like the rest of us or go home and eat squirrel heads . might not sound like a big deal to order him something different but it indeed is . as a 27 yr old adult now hes a really mature and versatile person . if he came over and i was eating squirrel heads he'd have a couple of them and be appreciative of them ..
my mom used to try to be bossy too . " dont nick that countertop , dont scratch my teflon , etc ' . chop chop , scrape scrape ..
if you let people push you around they wont respect you , in fact , why should they ? " spineless " isnt a positive attribute ..