How can I manage all of this mess without going crazy?
I have the worst headache right now! It's about 12:30 at night and I can't sleep. Here's what I did today: 6:45 am: Woke up 11-year-old cousin for school. 10 am: Woke up and got Aunty ready for the 11:30 visit by the home health nurse and the 12:30 visit by the physical therapist (who came just for an initial evaluation). After she left, Aunty decided that she doesn't like the therapist and may call the agency to tell them that she doesn't need physical therapy). After that, she complained because I misplaced some important paperwork of hers (which resulted in a shouting match because this is not the first time I have los t something of hers around the house.) Later, when POA cousin came to pick up her son (whom we watch after school), we went out to get take-out for everyone's dinner. Back home, I realized that I forgot to get 11-year-old's food (he wanted something from a different store).So Aunty complained about my forgetfulness. This led to another discussion of how I lost a piece of her jewelry while she was in the hospital. When cousin POA went out, I had to watch the 16-month old. She returned, then we ate.She stayed for another hour or two and left, but the 11-year old is spending the night and I have to wake him up for school. After a while, I got Aunty ready for bed, ironed the 11-year old's school uniform and ran his bath, then cleaned up after him when he was done. Then I watched a little TV with Aunty. When our show was over, I went to bed but couldn't rest for about 2 hours. Typed this post , then took a Tylenol PM. Hopefully I'll get to sleep soon.
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I was murderous at the lack of respect to me.
So when he went out I went shopping and bought a large suitcase from a jumble sale I think it only cost me a couple of pounds/$ .When I got it home I wrote in large felt tip pen letters
Why dont you leave home while you know it all?
Well that night he called my bluff and went... I was devastated but i knew this was a lesson he had to learn. He was 17 so I rang his head of year - and explained the whole situation to him through the tears. He was quite supportive but I could tell he thought I was a loony tune.
My son stayed away 3 nights and then rang me to ask to come home. He came home but home was very different. If he couldnt be in by the designated time the doors were locked and bolted. I was reasonable midnight or even up until 2 if he rang to let me know at weekends 11 pm duting the week BUT ONLY IF HOMEWORK WAS DONE FIRST. And my house was not to be used as either a hotel or a cat house
He is now a great guy but he never forgets that I set him boundaries and forced him to acept them or go..... his choice. He's had to set his own boundaries with his children of late and he now knows just how hard it is to do but how important it is to do it from the get go.
So go set those boundaries gal if you dont you will rue the day hun
By the time he was seven he could cook a sunday roast and time it to get it all cooked by the same time. While my daughter was the plain cook and followed instructions my son was inventive so we had roasted vegetables long before they became popular - trial and error stuff and some disasters (brussel sprouts dont roast well!) They tidied their rooms from the time they could get things out of the toy box - if they can get em out they can put em back. They helped me do the washing loading unloading or hanging out theyhelped me dust so they knew how to do it.
SO they were well versed. Now however my son drives me nuts - he is almost OCD about tidiness in the home. My DIL is a very tidy person but cant boil an egg, however she can do all manner of things artistically and my grandsons room has had a full disney park painted on all four walls by hand and then a cars scene and now it is about to become Jurassic Park so between them they have amazing skills but they have tidiness at the top of the list. He never leaves a spoon unwashed let alone the breakfast things, she puts every reel of cotton back in colour order in her reel case (Idont even have a reel case for heavens sake)
I dont regret teaching my son and daughter that all the work in the house is to be shared though - my son can knit and sew, my daughter can clean gutters and wield a paint brush
Look I know Aunty/grnadma whatever he called her used to do all of this for you but you're growing up now and it's time you took some share of what happens in this house.
I need you to
Get yourself up in the morning - here is an alarm clock to help you BUT if you dont get up then you will be late for school and suffer the consequences
At night before you go to bed all your clothes must be laid out ready for the morning and you will have to do your own ironing but don't worry I will show you how - after all you have to learn as I am not going to be around for ever now am i?
I know you like (insert fave food from takeaway) and I promise that sometimes as a treat you can still have it but when we decide on a fast meal we do it because we need the time freed up. If I have to go to 2stores or 3 stores then I am making work for myself not saving time so in future you will be having what we have or you will have to make yourself a sandwich or something and clean up after yourself.
I also need you to do some of the chores (washing up/loading emptying dishwasher/emptying trash - whatever you need him to do
Finally if he starts on the but but but route you say...this isn't negotiating poppet this is what is going to happen as of next Monday or whenever. between now and then I will make sure you learn how to iron, show you how to set the alarm and show you how to od some of the chores I need you to do to help us now. You are growing up onw so it is TIME that you learned how to do things for others instead of them doing for you
when my family was younger we didnt afford to have fast food very often but every time we did our youngest son would want to order something different just to be a pita . he NEVER got by with it , not even once . he was told to have a cheeseburger like the rest of us or go home and eat squirrel heads . might not sound like a big deal to order him something different but it indeed is . as a 27 yr old adult now hes a really mature and versatile person . if he came over and i was eating squirrel heads he'd have a couple of them and be appreciative of them ..
my mom used to try to be bossy too . " dont nick that countertop , dont scratch my teflon , etc ' . chop chop , scrape scrape ..
if you let people push you around they wont respect you , in fact , why should they ? " spineless " isnt a positive attribute ..
Families evolve as we all age, and it becomes no longer possible to keep life the same as it was for most of the family members. It's not reasonable for your aunt or cousin to expect you to add coddling duties to your list.
Many of us have had to do things our way so we could manage caregiving and our own responsibilities. It can start with small things, like switching to online banking and bill paying. It can be ordering groceries online, instead of trips to the store. As frequent flyer has written on other postings, make a list of everything you do, then start crossing out things that aren't essential.
2ndly, why run around to different stores for the 11 yr old? Sometimes yes, but not to be expected.
3rd...make sure you're unknowingly putting on the "martyr cape" in the morning doing all for others and then feeling resentful. It is hard to say no when you are used to being selfless but you have to start with small no's here and there.
Good luck
Well the topics are
1. Fire prevention in the home
2. What is dementia?
3. How to relieve stress in your loved one
4. The best ways to prepare meals for the elderly
5. When to call a doctor
Now I am sorry but if you dont know any of these things then you shouldnt be damned well caring for anyone with dementia
I have in place a risk assessment and action plan - I did it the social workers thought I was insane but it was the only way I could prove we have no egress from the house if I am at the shops and there was any form of incident that required mum to get out
I have had the fire brigade visit and tell me what I need and that is in place
I think I just about know what dementia is I live with it and have done siince the onset and have researched enough ...havent we all?
How to relieve stress in the elderly ....nothing for the caregiver then because of course we have no stress....little whinge there. I massage mum every day and I mean every day paying close attention to her feet legs back and neck to relieve her stress
When to call a doctor.... try whenever I need one...unless its after 5 or a weekend and not on a bank holiday oh and not before 9 am and be prepared to wait 10 minmutes before the phone is answered unless of course you dial 911 (999 over here)
Preparing meals for the elderly ... I am 62 I have cooked for myself my children and my family for 42 years, I prepared meals for Dad when he could only eat pureed food. I can cook anything from English to Chinese and back through Italian and Indian via French as well as Jamaican Mexican and Creole and I know which ones I can prepare for Mum and what she likes so exactly what am I going to learn?
Now had that been how to use a hoist
The ins and outs of ways to access help when you need it
How to get respite care
Managing on a shoestring
Now that would have been worth it.
And the trainer? Well sadly I know her and she is going to be paid £400.00 to train 6 of us. Thats more than we get when added all together ..........rant rage rant some more
You shouldn't have the responsibility of the 11 yr old if u have to do for him. Why an 11yr old would want to stay with you is surprising to me anyway. After a day of taking care of your Aunt, a 16 month old is too much. This person is using u as a babysitter. If on the whole u enjoy having both but there r just those times ur tired tell her that. I'm not a morning person, so the 6:30 thing would not fly for me. Suggest 11yr old can stay on weekends but not school nights. Also, u want a heads up on the baby. Do u get time off for yourself. Tell them even maids/indentured servents got a day off. Even if ur living rent free, you are doing her children a big favor. This is a learning experience. If they get mad, oh well. If u can, start thinking about ur future. 65 comes faster than u think. You will need to be financially secure.
On top of that there is huge huge pressure every time I want respite - at this point the state charges me (mum refuses to pay for it) 350$ a week and I appreciate that is subsidised but where do they get their sums from?
Care at home via family member
Income 420$ a month
Outgoings 800$ a month 600+food +car
Surplus -380$
Care at home for 3 weeks plus 1 week respite
Income 420$ a month
Outgoings 1150$ a month 600+food +car + care
Surplus -730$
Cost of a care home to the state 450$ a week (at which point they will try to force the sale of the house)
Cost of care home to Mum 450$ a week
Me homeless and unemployed at this point
You go figure who gives one toss about the caregiver. Why do we so often feel worthless because the state thinks we are worthless