My mom was always opposed to cremation but a while ago she said that she wanted to be cremated to save money. Not sure what to do.

I'd try to honor her wishes. Do you think she's not being honest with you about what she wants? If she's able, she could select what she wants for herself now. Pre-planning is possible. I'd get an idea of what the cost is, so you know what she can cover. Traditional funerals can be very expensive and may not be feasible for some families. I looked into Direct burial to keep costs down, since my LO always wanted burial. She has a plot in her church's cemetery, so, I think we can keep cost down to within her life insurance coverage.

I’m a lapsed Catholic, but I believe that cremation is now accepted in our religion. Does Mom know that?

Neither one of my parents wanted a wake, a viewing or even a memorial service. They were cremated and interred and that was it. Mom can have a Mass said over her for the family and whoever else wants to attend. Speak with her priest and whichever funeral parlor she chooses. A funeral is a personal thing and she should be able to have whatever she wants. There is nothing that says she has to have a large, expensive funeral. Any funeral director should be willing to help her plan a service that she is comfortable with.

The Bible says from dust to dust and ashes to ashes. So I think that any way you choose will be fine.

I agree, it is silly to spend thousands and thousands to be buried, when you won't even spend money for your care.

We are gone when our bodies are dead, we are spirits that live in these meat bodies, kinda like our meat bodies live in our brick and mortar houses.

NHWM, have you brought up facilities with her? I am asking because this is the kind of curve ball that gets thrown when manipulation is the order of the day.

Of course you are overwhelmed and out of sorts, yikes, you have been caring for 14 years without a break. Who would know what to think of this, not me. But because of my parents I am always keeping my eyes open for manipulative behavior.

Hugs!

Talk to your Priest. Maybe a Mass can be said with the urn in the place of a casket. Viewings are for the living to give condolences to the family. Do you really need to view the body? I just went to a viewing where a beautiful urn was placed in the center of a beautiful wreath. If Dad has a burial, maybe Mom can be placed in his plot.

Once you get ur info then approach Mom again. Make a list of what she wants at her funeral. Flowers, songs etc. Its her funeral. If she wants a quiet one why not. By letting her decide, you don't have to plan or feel guilty did u do enough. Funerals are changing. People are going simple.

isthisreallyreal,

I did bring it up. I am ashamed of how it came up. I was up all night with her, then was just dozing off when she called me for something else.

I kind of blurted out that there were places that were available for seniors who need help 24/7. I mentioned how tired I was and did not want to be criticized at that moment for not being completely awake and that the pressure was getting to me about not feeling like I was perfect, also I did the same things daily so I truly didn’t need detailed instructions like she was speaking to a child.

Then, of course the guilt hit me when she started saying to me I was “fussing with her.” I really hate that expression because that was not what I was doing. I was merely telling her how I feel. But if my feelings don’t jive with hers, she gets bent out of shape.

I love her. I truly do. I feel for her. So hard living with Parkinson’s but I do get tired. I even reminded her of the story of my brother having colic and didn’t sleep and how she and my dad slept through the alarm clock from being so tired! I said to her, “Mom, that was a few months in infancy but this is well over a decade! Since 2005!” She got very quiet then.

She also responded by saying, “You are tired of taking care of me.” She said facilities were too expensive. I told her to free up the money she had in cds even though she doesn’t have a lot of money. It’s something to help.

I told her anyone would be tired without any other help. Then I said something I probably should not have said, I told her that maybe her sons would visit then because she painted an ugly picture of me when she criticizes me to them. Of course they don’t need any influence from her. They are basically selfish people. I doubt they will visit much. Get this though, one of the facilities is right next door to my younger brother’s apartment complex! Could probably see him drinking beer with his friends hanging out in the courtyard from her building.

There are loose ends, veterans benefits. So while I already blurted it out. I went ahead and asked her for my dad’s social security number because I didn’t know it and they need it. As you know, isthisreallyreal, I have so much pent up inside from dealing with this for many years. I had planned on telling her calmly but, oh well...

Not sure who to speak with for vet benefits. I have three phone numbers for three people from the different facilities. One is a 3rd party group, they collect a fee to speed things up, the other two are directly with veterans association.

Shoud I ask to sample the food? I know that might sound silly but I want her to have good food.

Also, only one place has a small kitchen and common laundry area that can be used by anyone.

One place has a roommate if you want it? Is that a bad idea?
None of these places are cheap!

One is privately owned by a group of individuals. Others are cooperate.

There are elevators too. She uses a walker. May end up in wheelchair. Will she complain about elevators? Is it going to be hard to get to dining room? Will she stay holed up in room? What about the toilet? I have her using bedside commode now so she won’t fall going to the bathroom. Gosh, I feel overwhelmed. Set me straight, will you please? Am I just anxious about this transitioning time or being irrational? Did you go through this? Lots of decisions and frankly I feel lost!

Thanks for asking. I was thinking of pm ing you later because you have helped me sort through stuff. I don’t want to over burden anyone but I am so grateful for suggestions. HUGS BACK TO YOU!

Go along with her faith practices prior to her illness or old age.

Can the family contribute financially?

NHWM,

You have a great deal on your plate. This sounds like it is one more thing weighing you down.

My family is not Catholic and everyone has been cremated for the last 50 years. It is much more common in my part of Canada than burial.

Can you have a priest come to the house and talk with you and your mother about the options available to her? You can also talk to a funeral home about the costs and prepayment options.

You need your rest and if Mum is keeping you up all night, then perhaps it is time for 24/7 care outside of your home?

Others can help you, with things like using CD's for pre-paid funeral expenses, and for her care. As you know, addressing the whole picture with a care plan will clear up a lot of anxiety for you. I usually read more than I did this time, so I apologize for not knowing more about you.

Take great care of yourself.

Everyone,

Please read the post that I replied to isthisreallyreal and chime in. I would appreciate any input. Thanks. Just feeling lost and a bit down, I suppose. I’m trying to stay focused and remain calm and positive. God knows, I don’t want negativity to take over. That is another reason I feel I should place my mom in assisted living because her negativity becomes contagious and I hate that. It rubs off at times and we have to fight it.

Needhelp, we used to have a hug option with a message that said:

"It's okay not to be okay."

Most useful piece of advice I've ever heard in my life!

It is okay to be down and out of sorts. It is okay not to get everything right. It is okay not to know what is the right thing to do.

If it can be achieved without any silly financial sacrifices, if it will comfort your mother to think that there is a religious plan in place, and above all if it will comfort you to know that you've maintained your mother's lifelong beliefs, then you go ahead and have a burial.

But if it can't be done, it is also okay to make the best arrangements that you can manage. Your mother herself has previously recognised that sometimes people just have to do the best they can.

There is no way of getting this actually wrong.

Even so, whatever anybody says, what you're going through is a phase of life that mainly sucks. Do not ever apologise for how you feel about that.

She does not have to have a wake and a funeral. With or without cremation.
In many areas if there is not "public" viewing the body does not need to be embalmed. The family can have a private viewing but once others come the casket must be closed.
There would be the cost of an urn VS the cost of a casket. I am sure you can get inexpensive caskets and expensive urns.
You can have a simple burial or an elaborate one, you can have a simple cremation or elaborate. The cost of a plot or columbaarium.
If your mom is able take her to a funeral home and they can help her and you plan exactly what she wants and if you want to keep the cost down they will help you do that.

This is going to be my funeral. No viewing. No service. Just a graveside service then everyone can go to lunch somewhere.

What is getting popular here is to have a viewing and hour or two before the service. No viewing the night before like they used to do.

I just read your post to "isthisreallyreal". Take a DEEP BREATH!😊

First, I understand the guilt but forgive yourself. When your are exhausted, you just don't have the patience. I would have done the same thing. And I think they need to hear it.

Its time to place Mom. Her illness is going to be more than you can handle.

The ALs allow you to have a meal with them. Maybe one with one floor wil, be better for Mom. As my daughter says, nothing is going to be perfect. But, you are burnt out. You need a break.

In response to your follow-up posts about being overwhelmed with caregiving. I'm not sure if some people just feel an incredible duty to provide care to a parent no matter what, but, to me, it's advisable to take a step back and see just how reasonable it is. I read where you are considering looking at facilities and you are concerned about so many aspects of the facility and care she would get. I often wonder what the reaction would be if they told you there would be one caregiver for her who would work 24/7 and have no time off. Often, that's what loving caregivers do and they are surprised when they collapse from mental and/or mental exhaustion. I'd try to get some help in the home or explore other options, before you do suffer yourself. I only provided hands on care for a short time and suffered serious health consequences later. It took me a year to recover from them.

I am all for respecting our elders, however, sometimes, I think we may need to overrule their denials, protests and magical thinking, when it involves our own health and welfare. That's important too. I hope you can find the answers you need.

Oh, NHWM! I can't imagine your extreme exhaustion. A big hug to you for trying so hard!

I hope you don't mind if I sidestep this thread and recommend that your first priority is to find another place for Mom to live where she can be safe and cared for. My dear, you cannot continue this way. Your mom could live for years but with your extreme exhaustion you may not. You must protect yourself and your husband first.

Additionally, I hope you can get with Aging Services and see if your mom and you qualify for respite care, where someone comes in to be with your mom and you're free to rest or do whatever you want.

Sidestepping back to this thread, betwixt seeking a home for your mother, Tothill made a great recommendation for your mom's priest to come in and speak with her. My mom was Catholic and her priest said cremation was an option. With her speaking to her priest, this conversation may be more "official" than her "thinking out loud" with you about her thoughts on cremation. You might be able to get confirmation that's what she wants.

When I was my mom's live-in caregiver, when we were at the kitchen table and she was relaxed and mentally "with it" (she had dementia) I'd bring up her last wishes, thoughts on a memorial service, and ask if she wanted to give gifts or certain items to certain people. I did this about three times, usually asking the same things. Each time she said the same things, which assured me I had her true preferences even when the dementia worsened.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and help you, NHWM! Be good to you.

I would call the local parish and ask about getting some attention for your mom. She can get anointed (sacrament of the sick) now...even if she’s doing well. Assure her that she will have either the Rite of Christian Burial or a mass, which ever she prefers. I didn’t get much guidance from my patents except the cemetery and the picture to use for the paper. The funeral parlor and church will help. I preferred lunch at a restaurant, rather than at home, afterwards. Think of a saint for cards. Maybe she has a favorite bible reading? I didn’t do a eulogy and feel ok about it. I hope you’re enjoying some time together...that’s the best! I wish I had gotten a little puppy or cat. I did find a house call doctor...they would just come in and out to take blood...so much easier than going to the doctor. My heart goes out to you.

My mom never wanted to be cremated (cremation only recently gained popularity here in my area of the South) until she decided cremation would save her some money. My dad wasn’t even cremated. We cashed in her insurance policies (we would have to anyway because of Medicaid) & did a prepaid funeral/cremation plan. Her ashes will be buried in a plot at the cemetery next to my Dad.

There is no religious opposition to it in my family, it’s just that no one we know has been cremated, so we were really surprised when she said that.

my view is when a person dies they are gone. Period. The time to buy flowers and pay homage to a person is when they are alive; when they die it's too late. Whether or not you decide to go burial is entirely up to you..but consider your or her finances. Does not matter how the body is disposed because the body is now a carcass. I would go the cheapest route. Money is for the living..when a person dies, and you need things repaired like a new roof, home repairs, new washing machine, etc., I would go the cremation route. But that's just me. Usually people with end-stage chronic diseases like old age and Alzheimer's, their home will need a considerable amount of repair and appliances replace. Does your home need a paint job? To do it properly you use highest quality paint and several coats. It should cost over a thousand, if not several thousand, for that. You are talking about several coats of high quality paint..not that cheap watered down crap.

If you have the money for a burial--and let me assure you what they do to the body is quite hideous including drain all the blood out and fill it with formaldehyde, and sew the mouth shut, and even break arms that have undergone rigor mortis to make it fit in the casket and give it the "peaceful" look, then spend $10,000 +.

In my opinion, if money is an issue get a cremation and be done with it.

We are in the opposite end of the spectrum where my mom expects me to hire AirForce one to fly her body to Ohio and put on a million dollar funeral for her. Trouble is; she doesn’t have a million dollars and has alienated everyone in the family and has only one surviving friend and that lady is on her last leg. I had to tell her that her budget covers cremation, a nice urn and a car trip to be buried with my father. I would be very grateful if my mother was more realistic.

Big hugs, first off.
Now, thoughts. Have her priest come, as others knowledgeable of her religion have suggested, to perform whichever service/rite is appropriate now, while she is with you. Discussion of options from the church viewpoint, absolutely. Could it be she ‘needs’ the permission from her church, in her psyche, to consider the cremation option? If that should then be her wishes, most research of the options can be done on the internet these days, if you wish to avoid some of the funerary industry ‘sell’.
My own family has been moving toward cremation the last few decades. I like to think of it as hastening our loved ones back to ‘dust’ for the trip to be with the Heavenly Father. We’ve researched cremation cost for ourselves, facilities, and some have the pricing all published, from picking up the body, to the urns selection. As we east coasties, and love the sea, having been sailboard liveaboards for years, we researched burial at sea as well. Don’t have family in town, not even in this state, don’t expect relatives to travel for a service, nor expense for shipping a body to my sons. Seems the most expeditious for us.
I am haunted by my nasty sister’s comments to me when we went through the traditional funeral for baby sis. I said I wouldn’t be expecting this of my family, we have decided on cremation. My sister immediately said to me I couldn’t do that, as I needed my body for the afterlife. Say what?! Her God isn’t powerful enough to give someone their body back, whole, free of sickness?! Made me realize how twisted things can get. The whole business of death has become financially out of reach of most of my generation anyhow. They did it to themselves. That said, I have a file on my computer, with the website links, phone numbers, step by step, who to call to arrange, each step. Burial at sea is a small additional cost, but really, I don’t expect my grandchildren to cart my ashes from home to home in their adult lives.

two things come to mind in reading these posts.
1) you commented that you are a prisoner in your home and cannot go to mass with your husband because you cannot leave your mother. before worrying about her burial, you need to immediately find her another place to live. Unless you really want to be giving up the rest of your life and healthy years to her. And in the meantime you really need to stop putting up with her verbal abuse.

2) then you can consider her funeral wishes if they are reasonable and feasible. If not, then, really might be better not to talk about what she wants and then just do what she can afford when the time comes. We know our mother probably expects a wake at funeral home, then a limo trip to church for a mass, then graveside service and lunch for the attendees. All of her close relatives are dead, my sister, brother and I are in agreement, no wake, just a priest with a graveside service. She has nieces and nephews but that's it. When at someone else's wake, my 2nd cousin said, she probably would see me next at my mother's wake since she is the last one left. I replied no, we are not having a wake, and she was shocked. And said so. Told her even if she has money left after her care, we are not spending $10,000 on a funeral. But we are not going to try to explain this to my mother, we just don't discuss it. So then, we don't have to go against her wishes.

Good luck to you and let us know how you are doing

It is a waste of money.

The Catholic Church has been fine with cremation for years.

My FIL died two years ago, and my MIL had him embalmed ($$$ because he'd had brain surgery and needed major repairs for viewing), a rosary in a rented casket ($$ transportation to the church and the guys from the mortuary there to rearrange him for the open casket), funeral the next day ($$ mortuary guys to open the casket again, close it, and transport him, church fees, flowers), then cremation ($ because FIL wanted to save money!). Total cost BEFORE the cemetery plot and the reception afterward -- $20,000.

All that was for MIL, because she was the one left who cared about that stuff. Everything could still have been done for a fraction of the expense had she not had him embalmed and an open casket. (Let me tell you, an open casket after brain surgery isn't a good way to go.)

My dad died in November, and his cremation was $2300. My folks' church doesn't allow bodies or ashes to be present, because they believe a memorial service is a celebration of life and the body is not the person any longer, which I agree with. Still, after feeding 250 people afterward ($6200), paying for the church and flowers ($600), and a niche in a wall at the cemetery ($6,000), my dad's cremation and burial cost $15,000+.

Have a priest visit your mother now, while she can still get benefit from the Church's ministering. After she's gone, the services and how her body is disposed of is more for your comfort and benefit.

I'm pretty certain MIL spent $40,000 she doesn't really have to spare on FIL's service. If that's what your mother wants, and she can afford it, so be it, but if she can't, think about how much comfort you're providing to a funeral home vs. how much you're providing yourself before spending a fortune.

Simply say "OK Mom, if that is what you would like, we'll do that." See what happens...it sounds like she likes your idea, so I wouldn't discuss it much more with her....it sounds like she knows what she wants.

Good morning,
If it IS her wish, then do it...

Many people will give you their opinions on what you should/can do with your mum.

It is very cruel to abandon your parents when they are at this age.

Nursing Homes, IS NOT a Holiday Inn nor a vacation Spa. Many times your parents are left to suffer in silence, then they die...

Before you make ANY decisions, here is something you need to ask yourself.
"When my mum dies, will I have any regrets about the decisions I have made for her care?" If, your answer is NO, then do whatever makes you feel good.

Regardless what our parents did to us whilst growing up, we have to BE the change. This is her Karma, what will be yours?

No judgments from me, just a word of caution.

We need to spend the money on our loved ones when they are amongst the living. NOT when they are gone. Don't make purchases of high priced C
Caskets and flowers... It is a business which takes advantage of the grieving family.

My opinion...

People thought I was weird at minimum, and maybe so, when, as part of my conversion to the Catholic Church in my 40s I took care of all of my funeral arrangements as well . I think you are never too young to provide for what is inevitable. I just wish I had long term care insurance.

Im so grateful to God that I did it then, because I could never afford it now and there is no one who could provide this peace of mind for me.

I wanted and still want burial as what is best, but I was assured cremation is fine, and I have provided something for funeral, presumably funeral mass, but since I could not pay for it all I will get what I get. Currently I will be cremated and my spot is all paid for. I think it is good and a source of great peace to see your spot and know where you will be and that it is all taken care of.

Viewings and rosaries together with funeral masses are so very essential acts of love to the soul moving forward. If there is no money for burial then cremation is fine but scattering of ashes is prohibited and you purchase a spot for the ashes with urn at the cemetery just as you would ground for the casket. No difference, because the body itself is sacred and must be showed due respect. Your mom should know that a trusted person will ensure she is immediately placed in her spot as part of the religious service.

If you are really worried, plan to have Gregorian masses said for mom, and yourself. Some religious orders still do them. I still need to figure out how I will provide for that.

I can't give advice on how to handle your parent. I don't know if she would listen to a priest.

I am very devoted to the souls in purgatory. They are the greatest testimony to the efficacy of the Catholic process on death and dying.

Last rites are also very important. I finally made confession yesterday after being away for like 9 months and am so at peace. Should go every first Saturday and this may be longest time I have missed. I think this is a great topic for the family individually to mention in confession, especially mom of course. Perfect timing cause it's Lent too.

I guess really no advice, but pray, seek counsel from a priest for your own peace regarding this matter, and always remember the souls in purgatory, the dying of this day and night, and those in their last agony in your prayers. It will be us too someday.

I wish our families did not worry us so much!

Clearly, she doesn't like cremation, don't cremate her. Don't confuse the wake and funeral costs with traditional burial. Work with the funeral home to keep the costs at a minimum. Frankly, this is her last choice; honor it.

QUick response: IS money an issue? Regardless, one's wishes should be respected. See if there is a local "memorial society" in your area, a state funeral directors assn...someone should be able to give you a lead on less expensive burial options, i.e. without the elaborate casket etc. A decent funeral director should be able to help as well, if not try another.

Once soul sheds its body, it’s use is gone. We are created from elements of Earth. We nourish the body by eating off the land. Whether, you bury or cremate, ultimately the body goes back to mother Earth in one way or the other. Hindu’s quickly cremate the body to prevent the confused soul from trying futilely to get back into its body. That’s the only home it has known since birth. To prevent that and send the soul on its journey, they cremate the body. Once the body is burnt, it has to move on.

If cremation was her request, then follow her instructions....just make sure that’s what she wants by conversing with her. One thing is certain though, the soul at the time of departing it’s physical sheath will look to see it’s relatives and friends near it, even if the person has lost the ability to speak. That’s what is more important!