My mom was always opposed to cremation but a while ago she said that she wanted to be cremated to save money. Not sure what to do.
Also, my brother was cremated. Don’t know what my other brothers will do. Well, one says he also wants cremation. My mother was very upset to cremate my oldest brother at first. Then she accepted it. I had to make the arrangements. My oldest daughter went with me. My brothers didn’t even offer.
Not sure if she really wants this or not.
She has a bad memory of her neighbor being cremated and another neighbor passed out spoons to sprinkle the ashes in her flower garden!
My mother couldn’t do it. She wasn’t interested in scooping out some ashes and putting them in the garden. Creeped her out.
She says most of our family is dead, her friends have died so she feels it’s a waste to have a wake and funeral. I understand what she is saying but she is a lifelong devout Catholic and I told her we could have a funeral mass with a short viewing before the service. That is how Catholic funerals were done before having the priest say mass at the funeral parlor. Some people still do it all in the church. She seemed to smile when I mentioned that. I want her true desire to be expressed and not to say something just because she thinks we want to hear it. Any suggestions are appreciated?
She seems okay with the cremation. Just really surprised me is all.
Your kindness means a lot. I appreciate it.
Although this is off-topic, it was brought up several times in the comments. You need help. Your "screen" name says it too! Although the veteran's paperwork is a bear, do try to get that done if you can. The third party that sent me the documents and instructions unfortunately sent me expired documents, so after all the work I did, it was rejected. BTW, in addition to your dad's SS# you will also need his military information and he will have to have participated in some part of a war for a given time - read the regulations and rules or call the VA to inquire before spending all that time doing the paperwork! I was going to apply again, but with all the other stuff I have to handle, it never got done. In some respects, I suspect it would have been rejected because of mom's income/trust assets. However, you could potentially get money and/or some in-home help provided by them. It is worth exploring. A local veteran's group might be able to assist you in filling out the paperwork and processing.
Another option - if mom needs personal care, such as help with bathing, dressing, toileting, etc, Medicare DOES provide some limited assistance. When we were exploring hiring people to come in to let mom live/stay in her condo, the nurse who did the assessment told me that if mom had agreed to getting such help, some care would be covered (Medicare did cover the cost of the assessment, etc, but because mom refused, we did not get to take advantage of that help!) It is limited, but hey, anything is better than nothing! If your mom's income and assets are low enough, she might also qualify for Medicaid - these aides and any money they can provide could help you by bringing in assistance and taking some of the load off of you. Moving her at this later stage might be difficult AND expensive and might be hard for her. It will require a lot from you, either way. Exploring places for mom will take time and energy and you DO need to check several at the least. All are set up differently and charge differently, so it isn't as easy as it sounds! Even with yearly increases. our mom is still charged less than the first place quoted, 2.5 years ago, and that was for a "shared" space (2 BR/shared bath), something I know she wouldn't like!
Depending on her condition, hospice? I have no experience with that, but perhaps others can enlighten us - would they provide in-home assistance, even on a limited basis, to help out with personal care?
Another thought - many times various organization, including churches, have volunteers who can help out. When you have the priest there, inquire about it. Even if it is just someone who can watch over mom for a while so you can get out and take a break (or a nap!), it might help.
Thanks for your info. I think mom will qualify because dad’s social security isn’t a lot. Never know but it is worth a shot. Trying to decide if I should do an elder attorney or a veteran group. Any suggestions?
I was told mom qualified for help with bathing but in my area there is a long wait list. Council on aging is very busy here.
We lost everything from Hurricane Katrina, documents, nine feet of water in mom’s house so that slows things down too. Mom came to live with us with only what she took during our evacuation from New Orleans. Not much. But the important thing it that we survived. So many died in that storm.
First, to cremate or not to cremate... The incident with the neighbor most certainly would creep your mom out, and her upbringing along with the way funerals used to be handled might have previously impacted how she thinks about her own burial. Given the neighbor didn't honor the woman's requests made it worse! However, she DID bring this up. If she is still of sound mind and says she wants cremation, let it go at that. She probably trusts that you won't do something like the neighbor did, especially since you handled your brother's cremation.
Personally I would probably bring up the topic once more, and gently coax from her what her wishes are OR let her talk with the priest alone, and she can express her wishes with him. Given that most of the older generations, family and friends, are gone, having a full-on wake, mass, funeral and burial is, at least for me (and mom), a serious waste of time, effort and money.
My take on these services is that they are for the living. It helps to have family and friend's join with you to celebrate the person's life or share in fond memories, but if no one is left for this, why would anyone want all this pomp and expense? Personally I could not hack the open-casket wake business. When my dad's mother passed, I made it as far as the parking lot, and sat in the car. When my mother's mother passed, I made it into the building, could see her minimally from the hallway and ventured no further. I had a good relationship with her. When my cousins sat down near me and started saying "Didn't she look good?", I was horrified. My only thought then was didn't she look dead? I didn't want to remember her that way!!! Funny though, the actual burial would not have bothered me so much, but no one ever invited me to one. I did attend the burial of my father's ashes (Marine cemetery), but it was many months after he passed. Mom wants cremation and burial with him, so will likely do that. In her case, she is the LAST of that generation on both sides, no real contact with my cousins, etc in many years, most good friends all gone too! Keep it simple.
If you can just confirm with her that she is okay with the cremation, and possible interment in the plot with your dad, I would go with that. If family really wants to do something, have a memory/life celebration somewhere. No need to go overboard.
She seems to want cremation now. I do think a memorial in church is nice.
I think she is coming around to cremation. It’s her choice. She does have funds for burial.
Anyway, the person opened up the cremains in the post office. Have no idea why they would do that, but whatever...
Thet accidentally dropped the cremains and they spilled all over the floor. My uncle said it was at a busy time and people were walking in the cremains. They had to ask everyone to step aside so they could sweep them up for the person. Sad, huh?
big hug. I know it hurts.
Here however the ashes must remain wholly together & buried in their entirety to have a catholic service - so check with either the funeral home or the church - if that is the case explain it to your mom as that may ease her mind about being sprinkled on a garden
Yes in the Catholic Faith it is believed our ashes must be kept together and preferably burried or mausoleum.
I think some priests do not personally feel as strict about it and do not consider it wrong to be tossed into the ocean, lake, whatever...the official rule though, is as you have stated, to be buried.
My mom has a plot, so even if cremated, she will be buried with my dad.
A very ill woman was taken to the hospital, did not come home, but was sent to a NH. Her "family" was rushed to clean out her house and put it up for sale.
The community here was upset to find her belongings, nice clothing, cell phone, personal paperwork, precious photos, and the nice sealed box IN THE DUMPSTER!
When this happened to another neighbor, the family took her newer car, but the document-the pink slip-was found in the dumpster.
This reality makes me kinda sick and depressed. My heart hurts for a stranger.
Additionally, I feel like I should be throwing my things away prior to my narcissistic family showing up one day.....
Wow, how sad.
Anyway it happens, will be the right way for you and your family. My mother was Catholic, and I found a wonderful priest. It was very nice for our family. My sibiling didn't want a Catholic funeral, thought the mass would be too long and too much, TIGHT SCHEDULE YOU KNOW. Can't spend that much time praising Mom. I was told it was a very nice ceremony.
I love your genuine response. Appreciate your kind words.
talk to your mom and ask her what she wants...my mom and i had this discussion today. She is 85 and is the only one left out of 9 brothers and sisters and their spouses. She doesnt want a big service, but she has already prepaid most of her funeral expenses. Im thankful my mom is in pretty good health right now and has tried to prepare for the future. I do see her slippinga bit and i moved inthe same apt bldg to be close by and help her as much as possible.
My heart goes out to all the caregivers who come to this forum. I sure have learned a lot from you all. Love and blessings to everyone!!!!
Ashes to Ashes, the Lord made our bodies temporary.
I love the marriage license being with them. You made me smile reading that.
So much of my parents memories were lost in hurricane Katrina. But in the end, those were only things. A few things were able to be salvaged. They moved into that house when I was a baby.
We were lucky to evacuate in time. Many people lost their lives in Katrina. My father had died in 2002. My mother had 9 feet of water in her home. She was too old to rebuild so she moved in with me. It was becoming time for her not to be alone anymore. Was sad that a hurricane forced the issue.
Yes, our bodies are only vessels for our souls. We are only passing through this world.
I work in a Catholic church and they are also able to help. A priest can visit to anoint your mother, hear her confession if she is interested, and give ALL of you the Eucharist besides talking with you about end-of-life issues and funeral arrangements. They can also have someone bring the Eucharist to your home weekly.
As far as funerals, anything goes! Cremation is absolutely accepted, but, as one person said, the Catholic church expects to have the ashes at a cemetery rather than in a home, to show the proper care and respect. You can have a wake the night before or the morning of a special Mass, but if you have been "holed up" in your home for 10 years, there may not be many there...watch your time frame. On the other hand, wakes are a time for people to come support YOU, to celebrate your Mom's life with you.
Yes, funeral home costs are high, but you get what you pay for. Some at our church have tried skipping the funeral home entirely and then are surprised they have to make decisions and coordinate everything in their grief. Others are fine doing that.
Many times churches will provide a meal after a funeral with little or no cost. Ask the priest when he visits! It's often a potluck style meal, or you may be asked to pay for the meat while parishioners bring side dishes.
I took care of the funeral arrangements for my parents a few years ago and prepaid out of their money: caskets, simple flower arrangements, obituary information, etc. The funeral home holds onto it in a trust and it is not considered available money for nursing home expenses and is properly set aside so as not to be a problem with the "look back" period for Medicaid.
I pray this info helps!
Having a priest and sacraments are at home are a blessing. Our church has a ‘sunshine ministry’ designated to help in certain situations. I have cooked meals for others in thier time of need. A little thing for me to do but it means a lot to a family recovering from surgery or after a funeral, a new baby in the home, etc.
Thanks for your warm words and encouragement. I appreciate it.
Speaking as a 71 year old woman who used to want the usual funeral, I agree with your mother. No, I do not have Alzheimer’s or dementia, but we change our minds about certain things as we get older. I would not have been able to scoop ashes either.
She and I also think the same about why pay for the usual funeral. My family has dwindled over the years. It is a waste of money to me, and apparently your Mom too.
So, do not lock yourself into anything in case she changes her mind again, but be prepared for cremation.
I agree, nothing is concrete at this point in time. Thanks.
Talk with a priest if that will help but use your own judgment as to what YOU think is best in the end.
I used http://medcure.org.
Check their website to see if your state is with MedCure. I live in Florida.
My in-laws are horrified by and adamantly opposed to cremation, but they can't tell me why. My husband and I have discussed it, and both of us have decided on our own cremation. His parents would have a fit--they've already purchased plots for us next to theirs in a place that is not where we would choose to be--so I sure hope we survive them because I don't want them to be upset.
Maybe your mom went through these thought processes: "Why am I horrified by and opposed to cremation? Hmmm, can't think of any good reason. Besides, it's cheaper, and I don't need everyone peering at my dead carcass and remarking about how 'good' (or not) I look." That's pretty much my attitude, except for I've always felt this way. If she doesn't think much of the idea of asking friends to spoon her into the flower garden, she might want to suggest another idea.
It is a good idea to decide in advance where the ashes will go; and it's not that complicated. My brother's are in a mausoleum, one sister's were placed under her favorite tree on their desert property, the other sister's were buried in the memorial garden of her Episcopal Church immediately after her memorial service in the church--except for a small amount that I kept, at the suggestion of her priest. I keep them in a lovely lidded candy dish that she owned (she was a candy hound, like me); and I added some of her husband's ashes when he passed. Some day, I will probably spread them someplace meaningful to them or to me.
Your mom seemed to be happy about the idea of a funeral mass. I expect you could have this with or without the presence of her cremains. The Episcopalians' service had the ashes on a table by the kneeling rail in a simple box covered with a cloth that was meaningful to the deceased--a quilt or scarf, for example. Brief visitation before the service, interment in the church yard, followed by a dinner in the church hall. It was lovely, just what they wanted, and comforting to the survivors. And not very expensive, either, although that was not the primary motivation.
Just be comfortable with your arrangements, honor your mother and her love in a way that you find honorable, and all will be well.
Yeah, It’s tough. Just do what you feel you should. Naked with a rock band! Wow! I think some of us that had strict religious upbringings took some time to sew some wild oats! Haha.
I adored music as a kid. Still do. If my mom knew that I snuck off with friends to go to another state to hear Bob Dylan she would have died! I told her I was spending the weekend with my girlfriend. Meanwhile, I saw Dylan and others at a concert. Do I regret it? Hell no! Music got me through a lot of stuff in my life.
But I didn’t have to go far for good music. New Orleans has great music. Our local musicians at our jazz and heritage festival rival any of the national acts. Jazz, blues, rock, zydeco, gospel, you name it, we have it at jazz fest.
As for the family all being dead- well you’re not! Neither are your brothers. And your children. And they are just the ones you mention in this post. You love your mum (that’s the way it sounds), and this important event will reflect that, whatever you choose. Wishing you peace at this difficult time.
I appreciate your kind, sensible and practical advice. I do love my mom. She surprises me once in awhile is all.
Now 20 years later, Dad's ashes are with my brother in Florida, my brother keeps them in his truck, I asked him why he kept them in his truck, he said, "Well, we never decided what to do with them, and Dad always did like to ride!"
I live in the mountains of south west Virginia, and Mother's ashes are with me. And no, I don't know what to do with them either. We were very close and I can't bear the thought of doing something with them, when I don't know what she would have wanted. Still kicking myself for not asking her when I had the chance.
I had more or less decided to have Mother's ashes put in the casket with me when I pass, but now I'm leaning more toward cremation. Funeral costs are outrageous and unless the family has money to spare, unnecessary. So someone could mix my ashes with my Mothers! Problem solved.
Cremation for our Dad was $600. all inclusive in Florida. Mother's was the same, in northeast Tennessee. Social Security paid $250. on each.
My husband is 7 years into an Alzheimer's diagnosis, I am his 24/7 caregiver. I am so exhausted and burned out, I think any day I might just fall over in a heap and pass away myself. I really don't think I have the energy to see my husband through to the end of his disease. Hmmmm, wonder what the children will do with all the ashes?
Thanks for the laugh! Your brother is so funny! I love it! My dad would pile us in the car when we were kids to go for a drive and we would ask him where we were going, and he’s reply, “a joyride!” I always thought it was fun. Your dad and my dad would have been friends.
I know, all of these ashes if they aren’t buried or placed in a body of water or something does pose an issue of where will they end up?
Oh so true!
Yeah, I think one of my cousins did that. I believe it was possible for them to rent the casket for the service, afterwards was the cremation.
I agree with her, with family and friends gone, what's the point. The point of a funeral and burial and all the hoo haa is for the LIVING, not the dead. It's all in how you and your family want to grieve her.
I'll stick to my mom's words, no funeral, no open casket, don't even go or arrange that for me, REMEMBER ME HOW I WAS WHEN I WAS ALIVE and let that be what your remember about me. She was cremated. I still have her ashes. And I am quite content with remembering her as that smiling picture on the wall and all the memories that are in my heart. And I'm not broke-marriages and funerals are mostly designed to make others rich and "putting on aires". Just my 2 cents, its really to each their own.
Your mom sounds so sweet. She was smart too!