Husband found out his 88 year old mom cut him out of her will in favor of his indigent sister who has put her through one crisis after another for 40+ years with amazing consistency. Sister and her husband currently live with their daughter. They have 4 children and 3 grandchildren, no home, no rental. Mom lives alone in a small home with reverse mortgage. The initial money is all gone and she lives on SS. My husband has consistently provided his mom with landscaping, painting, handyman and mechanic services for many years. Going immediately or as soon as he can if non-emergency. Also, he's gifted her necessary items like toilets, faucets, disposals, etc. He even fixed her broken sewer line saving her $3000. Mom is unimpressed. She sees these things as her due. Son-in-law has no skills so has to be my husband. What she really wanted from my husband he didn't provide... a new car, new cabinets and new countertops for her reverse mortgage home, cable TV, a larger TV than the one he got her. MIL says her daughter is committed to caring for her going forward and she has no one else (as my husband and I look at each other with raised eyebrows). I took care of both my parents in their last years. MIL won't listen to how Medicaid works should she need it. Said she's not going to worry about such things. Somehow MIL believes that years of rescuing her daughter will secure her a daughter/friend and goodwill, and she's sweetening the deal with a payout. MIL says my husband said he didn't want anything from her. That was taken out of context. Honestly, my husband would be very happy if mom needs all her money for herself and there's nothing left, but he'd also like to be remembered if there is anything left over. And we do understand that a will is no guarantee that things will go as planned. I know full-well what can be done with a power of attorney written correctly. My husband says his sister should step up and take care of her mom out of principle. Sister has also gotten money for years from their dad and stepmom. They've given her family money and 13 vehicles so far and not a single repayment on signed promissory notes. If mom sold her house now she would get almost $200K in equity. MIL says she's signed the will and she can't undo it. She doesn't know where it is or what else she's signed. We told her we're afraid for her future. The daughter has stolen mom's credit card before. Mom says she doesn't remember that. She's now conveniently forgotten all the terrible stories that kept her upset over the years. She and daughter are living a cozy little life now, going to church together, shopping, paying bills. We're not only afraid mom will be taken advantage of, but the daughter will be spiteful and stop giving us information on mom. For instance, if mom goes into the hospital we won't be informed. Mom admits that daughter can be spiteful and she walks softly around her. There's no hope here. My husband wants to cut the connection as they clearly were going to continue to use him for his services and avoid the truth as long as possible.
This story is tragic all the way around.
Mom is going to do what mom is going to do. So is the sister.
They are living their lives exactly as they wish to. I would highly recommend that you do the same.
You probably know better than anyone on this forum that you cannot influence them to change their behavior. So, I would stop trying to and live my own life.
Are we hurt by the actions of our family members at times? Absolutely we are but there comes a time when we have to let them be them and you be you. Don’t involve yourself in their lives anymore than you want to.
1) See an attorney
2) See an attorney with your mother-in-law
3) Have her son see an attorney with his mother.
All these details needs to be discussed with an attorney 'if' your mother-in-law will. If she will not, then that is your answer. Let it go.
Gena / Touch Matters
"Mom lives alone in a small home with reverse mortgage. The initial money is all gone and she lives on SS."
What will be left to inherit?
Stop doing so much for her. let her know that her 'beneficiary' can take over the things your husband has been doing. This is kind of a win-win.
Agreed. I have things in writing for what happens with this property. My mother will make the ocassional threat about going to a lawyer and changing her Trust and Will. So I remind her what the term 'Irrevocable' means and that she has no cards to play.
Now this is someone who I catered to for over 60 years, while my brother did little or nothing.
She also bought him a convertible, I took her to the car lot, the guy who was helping her said "Are you buying one for your daughter too"! Oh no, she has one, I did, it was 12 years old.
That was a real slap in the face, not actually about the money it is about indirectly saying to me "You mean nothing to me, I am just using you".
Well, that ended that, I never spoke to her again, it's been almost 13 years and this is the third time I went no contact. This time it is forever.
My brother is stuck with her and he is going through Hail as she doesn't have me to take it out on anymore, she is 98. I help him behind the scenes, support him.
Not one other member of the family speaks to her, her brother hasn't for 35 years, she is poison.
I would give her no more money. Tell her to get it from the daughter who inherits everything. Your bank is closed.
You said she lives in a small home and there is still 200k in equity? That goes down as she receives money against it every month.
After your MIL is gone your SIL will continue to have her hand out. People like her just think other people need to be bailing them out. Put your husband on notice now that you will not be subsidizing her. I write this because I know this from my life experience.
Her spiteful daughter stands to inherit whatever mom has so she can take up the responsibility of her in exchange.
If she is unwilling to be fair to her son (your hsuband) then he should abandon her. Don't do anything for her. Don't pay for anything. Don't arrange for any home repairs or make sure thigs get taken care of. Call her once a week to wish her well, and if she starts complaining hang up and start calling once a month.
She has decided to put her money on the spiteful, incompetent, basically useless daughter and she's going to lose. So let her lose.
She is making the choice to push her son away by the disrespectful and entitled way she treats him. So he should go away.
So what's the advice you need from this forum? Cut the connection, as your H wants.
It isn't about the money. It's a slap in the face to all the work, literal WORK he has done for her. But since she has teamed up with a greedy sister, there probably won't be much left anyway. And once the sister is alone, any remaining assets will tank.
So once he cuts contact, I'm sure the phone calls will come wanting him to fix things and do her bidding. If husband picks up the phone, there's options.
"Mom, I'm getting older too and can't do as much with your house like I used to. I know of some people you can call if you need house repairs."
"I think you and sister have all you need there. She can find help if it's needed. If an appliance is broken, buy a new one."
"Mom, since you cut me out of the will, I assume you don't love me or appreciate all the work I've done. So I won't upset you anymore by going to your house to fix things."
Sometimes we want to keep trying, but your husband is right. It's over. If these people were gone from your life, so would be the stress, heartache, time, and money you've expended on the situation. How free you'd feel!
After the breakup, what if she calls you in the middle of the night because her toilet is overflowing? Have the number of a good plumber available and slowly read it to her over the phone. Then go back to sleep.
I wish you luck.
The daughter is using her mom. Mom doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. They are both incredibly self centered people and are users. Your husband was used. Put an end to it now. Walk away and don’t look back.
Your husband is heartbroken over this. I’m so sorry.
I don’t see a resolution for this but if I were the son, I would back off from dealing with his mom or sister.
It’s wonderful when people can find healing in their families. I don’t think healing will ever happen in this family. As much as it hurts, let it go and live your life. You’re not going to get anywhere with the mom or the sister. They don’t care about you or your husband.
They ditched him and he can certainly choose to stop being involved in their lives.
No one gets to choose their family members. Some of us are stuck with rotten relatives. You can choose other people in your life that will treat you right. Your husband needs focus on rebuilding his life without his mom and sister being in the picture.
But it sounds like there is not going to be much left in any event. Once bills are paid and the expense of clearing out and selling (if there is anything from that after mortgage is paid) there might not be much left.
Putting it bluntly...
Is your husband doing what he does because he loves his mom, because he WANTS to do these things or is he doing them because he may inherit some money or trinkets? If he is doing them out of love and respect then it should not matter if he is in the Will or not.
If he is doing these things because he might inherit then he should stop if he knows he will get nothing.
Your husband must realize that there isn’t a reset button that he can press to start all over.
His mom and sister have shown him with their actions exactly what they think and feel about him. He has been cut out of the will. Their only interest in him has been about using him.
It’s time for him to start believing them. It is futile for him to believe that change is possible at this point.
They are only interested in their point of view because they view themselves as being so special. He isn’t special to them.
I’m so sorry. It’s especially painful for your husband and painful for you to watch him suffer.
Mothers are programmed to support (most, not all I suppose..) but it all gets too skewed to SAVING that kid. The kid doesn't learn to support themselves or worse, learns that Momma always fixes their messes including financial ones. Even worse, becomes manipulative to GET extra money or attention.
'Spoilt' was the old way to put it.
Spoilt can become entitled. Entitled can elder abuse.
Supporting your widowed mother was an imperative in societies with no old age pensions or retirement savings. Our society is not structured that way.
Your MIL HAS means. She chooses to divert HER means towards her daughter while sponging off her son.
There's also a verse in the Bible that says that parents shouldn't provoke their children. Justice and fairness go both ways!
It’s time for your husband to walk away from this situation as it’s clear that he’s being used by his mother.
What happened?
If your husband wants to call or visit mother when the sister is not there , that’s up to him . He should not feel obligated to though. I’m assuming he is not POA either, therefore he has no responsibilities. If the mother gets angry that her son is not “ doing what she wants” , or treats him poorly he can cut off all contact . Or by all means he can just cut off all contact now.
Do not help the mother with any of your own money. Should she run out , oh well . Let her favorite daughter help her figure out how to get Medicaid, since mother says the daughter is committed to taking care of her . I would stay out of it.
It will take time to get over the hurt and feeling used. Your husband needs to believe he did nothing wrong , cut his losses and move forward . Good luck to you both. You did not deserve this . I’m sorry .
On the other hand I was never close to my parents but they split what was left ( not much) equally between myself and my sister.
I think someone who cuts family out of their will is their way of telling them they do not care about you.
Let her do as she wishes and live the best life you two seem to have decent finances and a good marriage so enjoy that focus on that, there’s no guarantee about anything w her will and he should not be pressuring her to do so. It sounds as if you two are fortunate to have each other and what you do so I would focus on that
If the sister is indigent and needs it more than the brother then that's understandable.
It should be totally understandable for the son to do absolutely nothing for his mother then. Let the sister take over if she is the one being paid to.
The part I don't get is the sister's loser husband. The OP says the sister is indigent. He doesn't provide in any way for his wife and kids? Does he too sponge off the mother?
That's completely unacceptable.
The OP's husband should do zero for his mother. Her daughter, SIL, and grandkids who she's taken care of all of their lives can step up now.
The villifying of the family member who actually takes care of them is very common.
So many of our elderly "loved ones" decide to make their beds, so now they can lay in them.
I'm sorry for your sister who is miserable though. Maybe you can offer to help her get your mother placed in facilty care. Whatever you choose to do, make sure you do not get pulled into taking responsibility for your mother again.
As for the handsome lawyer who very likely took advantage of your mother, talk to Bar Association in the state this happened in.
If your mother has dementia or cognitive decline (both are kind of the same thing), then you may be able to get that lawyer in some trouble.
I would certainly try to.
I expect to be cut off myself. My brother has slandered me to anyone who would listen. My parents expect me the female to do all the work to care for them and my brother is along for the ride. I know it's unpleasant and awful.
I hope that you aren't doing anything for your parents. If your brother is the one running his mouth then he can be the one responsible for the caregiving.
You imply she is medicaid eligible at this point which means her assets and income are low. She clearly needs someone other than the sister to help her navigate the system to apply to get the funding to sustain her. If those gifts of cars and other things have happened during the look back period, she has jeopardized her eligibility. If she gets talked into giving additional large gifts by the sister, it is jeopardized.
I would not blame your husband to walk away entirely. He owes absolutely nothing to his sister. She has her own life and family and must manage that by herself. He has been hurt by his mom for lack of appreciation and symbolically rejecting his love for her through cutting him out of the will. If the sister does not inform your hubbie about his mom, so be it. If that is too difficult for him, then support him through trying to maintain some communication so that the chances for notification of key health events will be made. As others have said, he should not feel obligated to continue to be her handyman. Sis has made that commitment to care for her. Coordinating contractors should be part of her duties.