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My widowed dad is 91. He has diabetes, kidney disease, gout, edema and occasional incontinence. He is overweight and not in good physical shape. He also has some age related memory loss and sometimes gets confused. But he still lives on his own in his house, drives, gets his groceries. He is very independent and refuses home care. He owned his own business and he has that self made man identity that makes him unable to see how much his own abilities have diminished.
He got it into his head that now that his dog has died he wants to travel and he invited himself onto our trip to Maui next February. There is no way he is going. He can barely walk two blocks without needing to sit down. He has fallen a number of times in the last few years and ended up in emergency twice. And while he can remember how to get around the small town he lives in, I could not trust him to go anywhere on his own in Maui without getting lost. He has trouble operating the phone on his iPhone and sometimes forgets his pin on his debit/credit card. He would need a constant chaperone and many places we like to go, like beaches for snorkeling and surfing or trails for walks and hikes he just couldn’t go.
I’ve thought about all the ways I could make this work for him but every scenario leads to a trip that is going to be miserable for me and my spouse and has a decent chance of Dad ending up in a Maui hospital, which is a big problem because we all live on the west coast of Canada.
It breaks my heart to tell him that he is too old and frail to do this kind of long distance travel. I know he will be upset. And yes, a part of me feels guilty and selfish, but my spouse and I work hard and need this vacation for us. I am my Dad’s primary caregiver and I get burnt out and need time away from caring for him. Anyone been through this? How did you handle it?

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I haven’t been through this, but I think you should stop feeling guilty, and focus on how to make it clear without upsetting him too much. Perhaps you could check the airline conditions of travel, and also the insurance policy issues. Find a way to tell him that they won’t let him go, rather than a judgement on him. The insurance is actually quite important, in view of the risks he runs and the costs of ‘air ambulance’ type emergency options.
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I'm thinking Dad could go on holiday - just not yours.

I wonder if at some level maybe Dad knows this..

Start researching Senior Assisted Living places that take people in for temporary respite time. Find out what it costs, how it works & if Dad is eligible. (Where I live a needs assessment is required first & it is partially funded by the Gov, the rest self-funded).

Ok yes, 'assisted living' is a fancy version of 'old age homes' but before you write it off..

A place that has full meals provided, a decent room & activities that he may like (not just ladies doing flower arranging) well it WILL give him a change of scene, new people to meet, a break from cooking & other chores.

Anyway, that's one idea.

PS. Dad's motivation to join you on hols may actually be caused by feeling anxious to stay home without your help.
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How about a long (or short) weekend to a resort an hour or two travel from where he lives.

If THAT works, promise another at some time in the future. If NOT, cut back to a ride, a great lunch, and an afternoon away, then home?

Do not sacrifice YOUR opportunity for misplaced guilt. You and your husband have needs and you are a kind and loving child to your dad.

It may be time for you to begin adjusting to the fact that sooner or later (probably sooner), he will need much more help, whether he “wants” it or not. “Reality” right now is ultimately more fair and loving than allowing him to think that he’s more capable/independent than he actually is.

Super tough for both caregiver and declining elder.
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I have a standard answer that I use when others invite themselves on my vacation or weekend trip.. I laugh and say "It's not a vacation if you take everyone from home with you." It's not directly personal to that person, just a general comment.
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Here's how you handle it. He's not going. End of story. Don't tell him what hotels you're staying at or any of your travel information.
As for the guilt, have a mai tai on the beach. In fact, have two or three. Trust me, the guilt will simply melt away with the tide like a sand castle.
Most importantly, have a wonderful time and enjoy your vacation.
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The reason he isn't going with you is not because he's "too old and frail". The reason is because the vacation is for you and your husband to refresh your marriage and you are looking forward to being alone with him — period. He may or may not be upset (and if he is, that's his mild dementia talking so ignore it because it's irrational). He may or may not remember the conversation. Don't bring it up with him again and if he does, gently redirect the conversation to something unrelated.

Are you open to finding someone to "keep an eye on him" while you're gone? I have to do this with my 93-yr old Mother who lives next door to me and still drives, and has mild cognitive and memory impairment. I have neighbors make up reasons to knock on her door and call her, people who just happen to bring by some home-cooked food, etc. I leave on trips with better peace of mind.

You aren't your Father's entertainment committee, even if you are his PoA. With memory loss it becomes more challenging to keep your LO busy in productive or enriching ways. You will need to readjust your expectations.

You maybe can promise to take him on a day trip to some place when you come back (something not strenuous for you). Give him parameters and ask him to think of places (or people) he'd like to visit. If he comes back with unrealistic destinations, this is his early dementia talking. Maybe the days for travel are completely over. You don't have to say this part out loud, but just make reasons why trips arren't doable "at this time" -- and it should never be because of you, it should be cost, travel conditions, timing, etc.

Have a wonderful vacation and don't worry about things back at home.
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Geaton777 Oct 2022
BCMan100... my apologies: you are the hubby!
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i would take the passive aggressive approach and just not mention it again or tell him the trip is canceled (but still go). definitely don't tell him it's because he's too old and frail! February is months away, in that time he could forget (if he has dementia) or something might happen with his health that makes it clear to him that he can't go anywhere. when it's trip time tell him you have to go away to a funeral in some boring place like cleveland. you would of course need to make arrangements for his care while you're away but i'm assuming you're already doing that. but directly telling him he can't go will mean four months of dealing with his resentment and there's no point in that.
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I like the answer that this is a get away for just hubby and you.

There are so many reasons why he can't go. The edema would be my main reason. I flew home Air Canada from Vancover to Toronto back to the States. The flight to Vancover was almost 5 hours. We flew economy and we had hardly any leg room. Had a hard time crossing my legs. Were like sardines. I just read from Vancouver to Hawaii is over 6 hours. Incontinence is the other thing. Those bathrooms are very small.

I am sure this trip is going to be very expensive. Its your recharging time and you do not need to have Dad along. You want to enjoy it with no worrys. Just tell him that this is a second honeymoon for you and DH and that sorry, your doing it alone.
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BCMan100 Oct 2022
OMG, I am the hubby, least last time I checked! 😁
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You need to make this a YOU problem rather than a HIM problem as he will argue with the latter. Simply tell Dad that he isn't welcome on this trip and sorry, that this trip is for YOU to go on with one another, and that you hope he understands, but whether he does or not, this is the simple fact. "No" can be a simple one word sentence. Practice saying it.
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Stop talking about the trip with him. If he brings it up again, tell him the trip is a vacation for you and your husband. Be clear that you and hubby want time for yourselves and bringing him along is not up for discussion. Ask him to respect the decision you and your husband have made about your trip.

It's also time to have a candid conversation with your dad about his limitations and become more realistic about what he can and cannot do. His needs are only going to increase. It's better to start managing his expectations of himself and of you sooner rather than later.
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BCMan100 Oct 2022
😁 I am the hubby!
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Oh my goodness, please do not do this! When my father was 80 he invited himself along on a trip to Disney World with the kids and I. I had been saving for years to take them. He still lived on his own and got along pretty well. However, he does have a habit of acting helpless when others are around. I figured at least I would have someone to split costs with. So not worth it!

He had so much trouble just getting through the airport. I was a nervous wreck trying to keep an eye on him and two excited middle schoolers. He couldn't keep up so he would find a place to sit and people watch but we felt bad so after every ride we would check back in with him. My vacation style is go-go-go and I just couldn't do that with an 80-year-old. We couldn't cover the ground I had hoped so I felt really gipped out of our trip. And the best part was the helpful people telling me I should have rented a wheelchair for him. I asked how me pushing someone around in a wheelchair would be a vacation for me. Funny how when you are with an elderly person the rest of the world forgets that you might actually have some wants and needs too. I did end up gong back to Florida the following year to Sea World and Discovery Cove and did not tell him.
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JoAnn29 Oct 2022
I too am go go. At 73 I would not go to Disney World or Universal again. Have done Universal 3x and Disney a couple. The last trip to Universal I was 69 and husband 71. Its not for our generation.
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You would not be able to get travel insurance for him, even if you find it is going to be super expensive and will not cover preexisting conditions.
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BCMan100 Oct 2022
I thought the same thing. But I did check excess medical premiums through BCAA and for a man with his age, his health conditions it was $1300 for ten days with pre-existing illness coverage. Which was a lot less than I thought. It didn’t change my mind about him going, of course.
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Have his doctor tell him that it's not advisable at this time.
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I took my parents on several three-day road trips just to get them out of their house. I booked them handicapped accessible hotel rooms with me next-door, and we did one shortish outing a day. It worked very well.
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Beatty Oct 2022
Your folks were very lucky indeed to have you able to offer such support to enable them to have these trips.

Maybe the OP would like to be the support person for Dad to have a mini holiday.. ? Or not... ? But I Ieel that is a separate agenda..

Regarding the OP's planned family holiday - with an active itinery planned for herself, & spouse, appropriate for their ages & interests - this is just not suitable for Grandad.
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Thanks for your replies. I ended up telling Dad a bit of a white lie. We just said that the room we booked was for only two people and it couldn’t be changed. It’s partly true. The condo is a 500 sq ft one bedroom and the sofa probably folds out into a bed but even if he was healthy enough to go it would have been crowded with little privacy. He was disappointed, and hearing that in his voice was a bit heartbreaking, but this was the right thing to do.
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SnoopyLove Oct 2022
BCMan, I hope you have a wonderful, rejuvenating trip filled with the spirit of Aloha! Enjoy! 🌺
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Glad you broke the news to dad & that matter is now behind you. We all suffer disappointments in life and we get over them, too, as your dad will. I hope you and your wife have a great time in Hawaii and when you get home, nice & rested, THEN you can think about taking your dad on a short adventure in the car. Win/win for all concerned.
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BC,

Just figured out your talking an area 25x20. No, not room enough for 3 and no privacy. Do not feel guilty about this. You and wife need this trip alone. Have a great time.
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Hi fellow B.C., west coaster.

I sympathize with you but on the other hand I've always felt that while it's difficult I think pussy footing around things when it comes to dealing with this type of situation is a waste of time.

I think sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. You just have to be straight with your dad. He may not understand but truly if you wait for a person with cognitive issues to understand, the dateline for your trip will have come and gone and you will be no further ahead.

If you have arrangements in place for his care for while you are gone just go and have a good time. His feelings may be hurt but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. Make it up to him somehow when you return.

Life shouldn't have to stop for us when we are caring for someone. I don't think you'd want that for someone who may be caring for you in the future.
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Glad you've told him that he can't go on your trip.

Do you have any siblings? Since you are his primary caregiver, one or more of them should step up and either come stay with your father or take him to one of their homes. Why are you the primary caregiver?
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BCMan100 Oct 2022
Part of the reason I am the primary caregiver is that I am the oldest son and the closest to my dad.
My younger brother and older sister get along with him but for whatever reasons don’t have the same bond. It’s not so much that you choose to be the primary caregiver, it’s that your parent turns to you and trusts you more than your siblings and you in turn feel more responsible for your parent. Believe me, I’ve tried getting my siblings more involved.
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I agree this isn't the trip for him to join you.
But, I encourage you to plan a trip that is at his pace and focused on time with him. Often, cruises are set up for seniors with a variety of activities for younger family members both in port and at sea. A full family vacation would be a memory you would all cherish, and together you could all "tag team" 1:1 time with dad, enjoy full family meals, and have time for your own family, too.
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Sounds like you have the issue under control, but if you must disclose a future trip, talk it up as a 2nd honeymoon. Lay on the mush. Thick. How romantic it’ll be. That might help reinforce the “just us” idea. (I’m writing as an only child whose elderly mother thought everything we did and everywhere we went should involve her)

Happy travels! Aloha!
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Would he forget about it if you didn't mention it to him? Then just tell him right before your vacation that you'll be away for a time. You don't have to tell him where you're going, unless he asks. If he asks, mention that you are going on an active trip with scuba diving, surfing, mountain hikes, etc. Make sure that has someone to look in on him while you're away, to make sure he's OK. Caregivers need to take breaks, and your vacation sounds like just the thing to do to refresh and relax. Enjoy your vacation! (and please don't feel guilty about taking time off).
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Would he accept the information from his doctor that he can not go on such a trip? If so contact his doctor and express your concerns and given the information you have given I am sure his doctor would tell him he can not go.
If he wants further "proof" take dad on a l o n g trip some weekend with a l o n g car ride (that's nothing compared to a treck through an airport and a long flight) I am sure that he would find a weekend exhausting and that is nothing compared to a week or 2 away.
Con Vince him to take his own vacation at a local Assisted Living facility. He may actually enjoy it
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Changing my post, I saw that you have spoken with him.

It is ok to say no to parents. And it is not ok for anyone to expect to join in on another person's holiday.
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Tell him it’s too long a flight & that maybe a shorter day trip with him is planned. Get home care for him while you’re away. You can also Tell him it’s your honeymoon that you never took…(or second honeymoon if you did take one) Have home health aide come in to meet you before so you’re comfortable with her & for a few hours a day she can help with housekeeping chores…& to keep eye on him. Hugs 🤗
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Check with his doctor. I say your dad's health conditions make traveling unsafe for him. And, he should be in a facility to manage his conditions.
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Please, you are not selfish. You’re correct this will be painful but sooner rather that later Dad needs to know the demands of this trip are beyond his ability. So sorry this is happening, as you certainly deserve to enjoy the excitement of looking ahead to your vacation as well as the experience.
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You don’t have to tell him he’s too old and frail and you certainly have nothing to feel guilty about nor should your heart be broken. Putting your burn out from caring for him aside, you and your husband have worked hard all of your lives to be able to enjoy these vacations together and it simply isn’t fair to the two of you to suddenly include anyone else. I haven’t looked at responses below, though I’m sure most have similar things to say but for a moment think about it if your father didn’t have his medical issues and was perfectly capable on his own would you be excited to take him then? Probably not and that’s ok because this is something planned for you and your spouse.

Just tell Dad that while it would be fun to do another time this trip is one you and DS have been planning and saving for a long time and just need to do together, a third person isn’t in the plan. So it’s not about him it’s about you and your spouse. Then go and have a wonderful, relaxing time! If you need to suggest you and dad or even the three of you plan another trip somewhere do that, it may or may not happen but it may be important for your dad to dream about.
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BC updated Oct 17

"Thanks for your replies. I ended up telling Dad a bit of a white lie. We just said that the room we booked was for only two people and it couldn’t be changed. It’s partly true. The condo is a 500 sq ft one bedroom and the sofa probably folds out into a bed but even if he was healthy enough to go it would have been crowded with little privacy. He was disappointed, and hearing that in his voice was a bit heartbreaking, but this was the right thing to do."
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I would be honest with him and say to him
"Dad we love you very much and I know how much you would really like to go to Maui with us but I hope you will understand this is a vacation for me and my husband. We are looking forward to this vacation for just the two of us. Maybe you and I can plan another trip together for another time."

This way you are not telling him he is too old and frail. No one wants to hear that. I am sure he recognizes that himself. But he should understand that this is a vacation for you and your husband.
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